Creative Meanderings

So I am a little behind in updating on the coaching sessions. I am continuing although I do sometimes go back and forth on whether or not I should due to costs. However, as I often say to people there is no price limit for mental health and stability. Plus, Karen is good at reminding me how without the coaching my subconscious mind will continue to win over the conscious one. 😉

In session 8 we addressed some of my issues with Halloween and dressing up in costumes. I had been feeling like it was time for me to admit that my hatred for the silly holiday was imbedded in other issues. In talking about how I dislike pretending to be something that I am not even for a day, we discovered that there are a couple of incidences: “The left-handed incident” and “The China-doll incident”.

“The left-handed incident” is about me being punished for being left-handed when I was in my second adopted family. I was told that the reason I was bad because of something that is natural. They would tie my hand behind my back so that I could not use it. From this I began to believe that I was bad and that there was something wrong with the natural me. Once removed from that I determined that I would no longer be anything but me – ie no costumes!

“The China-doll incident” is about when I first moved to the Bilyeus and my mom thought it would be a nice costume for me to dress up as a China-doll. I remember not being wholly into it in the first place, but then after going to houses and having to explain myself I felt awful. Besides that, I’m not even Chinese! Thus, I again reaffirmed that no one was going to get me into another costume or force me to be something I am not.

In fact, I often think other people are crazy to want to enjoy Halloween or dressing up. So, the separation of truth and fact is that no where has it been said that I cannot be me or that the natural me is bad. People dress up for fun and to enjoy themselves, so I should be happy for them with confidence in the fact that I can choose not to participate for equal reasons. 😉

Session 9 was last night as I chose to skip last week due to feeling stressed out and worried about the Apple training. Karen wanted to focus on that as she felt that my fatigue was coming from a ‘virus’.

Seems she was not wrong! Although the Apple training is definitely a great opportunity, a part of me feels torn about it because my true love is writing. While I would love to move into consulting rather than doing what I do now, it is still not the answer to following my dreams. So, I struggle with the idea that I need to make money and a belief that I cannot do it by writing. Where did that idea come from?

From the time I was eight-years-old I knew that I wanted to be a writer. I remember a conversation with my dad about it and him telling me that it was not a bad dream, but that I should look for something that makes money. That practical and guiding statement crushed my eight-year-old dream. It was not intentional by any means; but how did I know that I could not make money writing? I did not. However, I told myself this by letting that statement block me from pursuing a future in writing for real.

When this came out, I felt a little sad. It almost feels as if I have been wasting my life…. Of course, I do not regret or discount what I have accomplished in my life. Yet, I could have been making good money writing for a living had I not let myself believe that it was not a viable option for my future. However, now I can make that dream into reality. So, that is the focus of my future now.

Although I felt quite tired when I first began the 9th session with Karen, by the end I definitely felt better and more inspired to look at ways to put my dream plan into action. Thus, credit must be given to this coaching process!

-T 😀

On Monday, I had my sixth session with Karen, which left me feeling really excited and inspired to focus my attention on a few matters.

Our talk centered around my perceptions of debt. While I generally don’t stress about my debt because I just don’t really think about it, it does always linger in the back of my mind and causes me to feel a certain negative way.

We looked at it as perhaps starting somewhere in foster family 2 when I was first introduced to religion in a traumatic way and started to feel as if I should feel as if I owed them something for taking me in. When I think about owing somebody anything it upsets me because I start to feel trapped. I also feel as if something is being taken from me whether it is my dignity, identity or something physical.

This “tape recorder” then repeats itself as I continue to stay in debt. My sense of owing forever is confirmed by the financial debt that I continue to accrue.

Therefore, the goal is for me to believe that I am free despite my circumstances, whether it is money, debt or location. I always have choices and always have the ability to change the circumstances as long as I do not let my mind continue to entrap me into thinking I do not.

Karen called it a “prison wheel”, which is a good one. This is one wheel where I have a lot of paths that lead to it. 🙁

In any case, the end result is to “Be responsible for who I am being!” and “Don’t put off fulfilling my purpose.”

This led me to really think about pursuing writing more. I need to get myself more disciplined again towards writing, but I think it is definitely something I can do.

The final thought for this is that I have two more sessions left before I decide to continue or take a break until my finances are settled. I haven’t come to a decision just yet, but will have to soon….

-T 😀

A lot has happened in the past two sessions that it is a little hard to keep up, but I will try to get to the gist of them.

Session 3:

I was supposed to write 25 things that I am proud of about myself and I got to about 14 on my own. My focus was on things that I had done, but not really anything about who I am. In the session I finished the list looking at qualities of myself. This was good to see because while I think of myself as fairly confident, I realized that my confidence is found in my actions/results not in my person which explains why I feel down about the delay in my PhD work or lack of joy in my daily work.

We also discussed an issue I have been having about a friend. I love her to pieces, but she is ALWAYS late to meet me and even when we do get together after a very short time allotted for me to say what is going on with me, the rest of our time is usually spent on her. By the time I leave I am generally exhausted and wonder what benefit that was to me…. Sometimes I think that I should have a long talk with her, but then I don’t. So, Karen wondered what role is being fulfilled by this friendship and strangely it went back to my brother.

I love my brother to pieces too, but we do not keep in touch as we should and unless I am at home we really do not talk to each other. Despite my attempts to get him to come visit or sending texts now and then, I feel as if our relationship could be better but isn’t because I do not say anything to change it. In fact, I hold on to a lot of guilt about him from when we were younger, but the real truth is that it had little to nothing to do with me.

So, we ended with me being more aware of these issues.

Session 4:

Session 4 was a little bit different due to the “Face Plant” incident and matters that came out of that. As my previous post discussed, I really had a reboot on my thoughts and had written to Karen saying that I needed to stop our sessions to save money and get myself out of debt. She immediately tried to sort out what the source and problem was since it was such a quick change.

So, we talked in great length about the issues that came out from the “Face Plant” incident. My fight with R seemed to have triggered my great fear of losing friends, him not supporting me thus leading to being abandoned and rejected. Without my friends or him, I feel alone.

Karen pointed out how our money situation is often connected to our self-worth. If we let money determine our actions then we will never really be happy. This is true for me in that I overspend to try to console myself into a happy state. However, because I have so much debt, I have put my self-worth in a negative spiral. On the other hand, people who focus too much on having money put their self-worth into the amount that is in their bank account losing focus on their own being.

Furthermore, my current issue about debt is that I feel trapped. Karen pointed out that indeed I am not trapped, but it is merely a perspective that is not true. I can leave. I can go to jail. I can never return to the UAE. I can do a number of things to accept my financial situation, but it does not mean that I am trapped. I am only trapped in my mind and it is controlling my behavior. So, taking responsibility is one step to releasing my sense of trapped as long as I know it is a choice.

I really felt much better after this session with my outlook. The current plan is to finish out four more sessions since it will cost nearly the same if I do the full month or stop now. Then, I can reassess where I am at. Hopefully, I can find a way to continue, but if not I will take a six month break until my money is sorted, then return. So, we’ll see how it goes.

-T 😀

Last night I had my first session with the life coach – Karen.

We started with my first memory, which I have always described as:  I am in a crib and looking up trying to say something, but am not understood.

Through the session, I came to realize that this seemingly simple way of describing the memory has been creating a negative neural pathway in my brain that has been telling me: I am not heard; I have no voice; You don’t understand me; You don’t get me; I have no permission to speak; I can’t speak; I’m not important enough to be understood; or I have no value.

These are sentences that I have said a million times to myself or to other people when I feel misunderstood. The frustration that I feel then often causes me to isolate myself from others because I get tired of trying to prove that those words are not actually true.

By the end of the session, I found that simply describing the memory without hidden nuanced feelings like this:  There was a crib. There was a person. There was me. I spoke. There was no response. makes the truth clear and takes away the neural connection to a negative feeling attached. What my sad three-year-old self felt at the time was merely a perception and is not a truth to my current reality; therefore, I should not continue to repeat the patterns.

So, I am left with the choice to separate the truth from the perception with negative feelings or to continue to hold on to the memory that leads me to negative thoughts.

It was an interesting session because while on a very intellectual level, I already know and do this, it was good to also have it said out loud to me with a clear action plan of choosing. I like to have things brought down to the level of my control (control issues? indeed! :P). The time went very quickly actually, so we have a follow-up session next week. It should continue to be interesting. 🙂

-T 😀