Existential Contemplations

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 042022
 

Of late, I have been questioning my purpose in this life. When I was heavily into the world of Christian teachings โ›ช๏ธ, I was convinced my place in the “body of Christ” โœ๏ธ was the butt or bottoms of the feet ๐Ÿฆถ๐Ÿผ; wherever it was that people squashed and used taking the place for granted in its purpose. They are still very important parts of the body, but greatly unappreciated. So, for the most part I have found contentment as that being my general role in the whole of society. ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿฝ

When I read about Buddhism, I accepted the belief that suffering is just a part of life. Through meditation ๐Ÿง˜๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ and yoga, I found that I could cope with the varying degrees of “suffering” that ebb and flow.

However, I am still human and imperfect. My ego wants there to be more than suffering or being the brunt-end of the greater whole. It is in this desire that I struggle.

For the most part, I do not put much stock into human beings. Everyone is fallible – myself included. Everyone will disappoint – myself included. Everyone will be a weakness at some point or another – myself included.

In partnering with another human, we have a tendency to let ourselves believe that person is infallible, will never let us down, and will always be our strength. Basically, we put all our eggs in their basket and expect them to cherish, protect, and keep them from breaking at all costs as we would if we had kept them in our own basket. Some couples just get a bigger basket and put all their eggs together, but if anything happens to either one’s eggs they blame the other for not caring sufficiently to keep them safe. Modern day couplings seem to prefer that each one keep their own basket and avoid the sharing of responsibility for the other’s. What all of these scenarios presume is that the baskets are already full. ๐Ÿงบ

Imagine if, instead, we acknowledge we only have a few eggs in our own baskets and together we add to the filling of each other’s with more eggs while still keeping responsibility and control over our own baskets. Wouldn’t that be more satisfying and less controlled by another, or at least, avoid a sense of co/dependency?

I know – it’s an ideal more than a reality.

Also, I digress. I mean, how does holding on to our own baskets and helping each other fill them up have anything to do with our purpose of existence?

Well, I recently did a search on how to avoid depression or what to do when one has suicidal thoughts and is looking for purpose. It was more for research on my novel, but also somewhat related to my own thought patterns of late – not to worry, though I’m OK, I promise. ๐Ÿฅฐ

Still, I found the online advice to be rather useless. ๐Ÿ™„ Advice like: find something to be grateful for and focus on that; do something good for others rather than focusing on yourself; reach out to others; etc. are good points, but honestly I call BS on their efficacy. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

For one thing, someone who is on an emotional and mental decline will struggle with the first two suggestions as it takes quite a bit of motivation to take action on something. The latter is probably ideal, but to be honest, I can count on two fingers โœŒ๐Ÿฝ, or maybe even just one โ˜๐Ÿฝ, the number of people whom I could reach out to and trust that they would actually listen to me: without judgment, offer of advice, or compare my woes with their own, as feedback to me. Although I never participate in FB posts that say something like “I’d like to see if at least five people will respond to this post as a reaction to suicide awareness or acknowledgment of depression…“, I do not disagree with the sentiment behind them – I just don’t like FB posting that much. ๐Ÿคช

The fact is that people have their own lives, are figuring out how to survive their own woes, and also mistakenly think they are the only ones experiencing their thoughts and challenges in a world that celebrates the image of “having it all together” or living the perfect life. Therefore, we have somewhat lost the art of getting together for a cup of tea/coffee and sharing with each other the frustrations, challenges, and angst that is called life.

Although I do think I am the most important person in my world, I also know that I am NOT the most important person in others’ worlds. As much as I think that is strange, I respect it. ๐Ÿ˜œ So, I am trying to revert my mind back to a sense of calm and acceptance as to the importance of being the backside or bottom part – I mean you try imagining sitting down without a soft cushy bum or walk without the bottoms of your feet. I am also reaching out to my one (maybe two) trusted peoples who will let me rant and vent with open-ended ears and love. [Thank you ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿฅฐ – you know who you are!]

Through all of this, I accept “suffering” is a part of life. We are all in it together and together we shall survive if we just give each other a chance to discover our roles/purpose in this life, and give love through compassion where and whenever needed.โค๏ธ

~T ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‰โ™‹๏ธ

At What Point?

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jun 302022
 

A result of having so many visitors is having a lot of varied conversations observing not only styles of communication, but also hearing and seeing responses that reflect one’s personality and view on life.

One of my recent ponderings, that is somewhat related to conversations I’ve witnessed, is the question – At what point does an individual feel that something is enough to change their habits for the purpose of having a better life?

When I asked a recent guest this, his response was that it is when one is faced with a sense of mortality. Basically, a near-death or exposed to death kind of situation.

I feel that this is still an inadequate answer because I have not had this kind of experience, yet I have a strong desire to reflect upon myself to adjust my habits so that I am not prohibiting myself from living the best that I can whether it be with my health, my safety/livelihood, or my relationships. While I have long accepted that I do not think like the majority of people, I also have never accepted that I am alone in how I think nor that I might be wrong…. ๐Ÿ˜‘

Obviously, people who do not want to die before they are ready – if they are ever so – will make adjustments to their way of life, if faced with their mortality, until they begin to take life for granted again and return to their “normal” way of life.

As an example, I think back to my grandpa H, who had a heart attack due to a lifetime of unhealthy living. When he came out of the hospital, he temporarily vowed to change his habits. In the end, it was too late as he was taken from us by an aneurysm after being lazy again with his walking and eating. While, on the one hand, we could say that he enjoyed his life and that it doesn’t really matter when one goes; on the other hand, we could argue that he could have continued to enjoy life for many more years than he did. Who is correct? Does it matter? ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

Personally, I am OK with death. It is a part of the life cycle and when one’s time comes, it is what it is. For me, I am ready anytime as I am very content with the life I have led and the one that I lead. Still, I do not live recklessly nor do I want to have a suffering kind of death – like with cancer. So, I take care of myself and I generally ensure that I do not cause others to worry about my behaviors leading to untimely death (for the living). To be honest, I don’t really know the reason why I think this way, which is why I am curious about those who don’t.

Still, if it is true that most people are not ready to die right now, then why do people continue to smoke when they obviously have bad health; text while driving; drive too fast at the risk of hurting not only themselves but others; drink to excess regularly; etc.?

Now, I’m not questioning one’s desire to have a good time, drown out sorrows, avoid facing personal or external issues, and various other reasons that one might choose to do any or more of the above. I am questioning at what point would it take for someone to want to change their life or to see that such behaviors might not contribute to a longer-lasting and fulfilling way of life? Or, maybe the question back to me is what is a fulfilling way of life and why can’t it be doing the above? ๐Ÿค”

Anyway, I am honestly not judging nor condemning. Mostly, I’m curious and pondering. ๐Ÿคฏ These are the kinds of conversations I like to have…. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿคช

~T ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‰โ™‹๏ธ

 Permalink  Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 212022
 

It seems that my period of angst and frustrations is not yet over. ๐Ÿฅบ Although I had made an attempt to adjust my brain so that I was not thinking like a spoilt child, it only took a few rude words to send me back into the pit of despair.

Basically, I feel untethered. Not lost. Not confused. Not distracted. But, without purpose, meaning, and perhaps even mis- and displaced. ๐Ÿ˜ข

For the second time since being married to M, I find myself in a position of complete dependence with no actionable solution. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ Although there are projects I can do around the house – there are plenty -, or words to be written, or various other tasks that could be created, none of them make me feel “useful”. So, when I asked the man to take the garbage up to the top of the drive and he retorted with ‘you know, you’re capable of taking out the garbage and you can’t complain about not having purpose if you want to play the gender card…’ (I paraphrase a bit), I silently stewed in molten lava ๐Ÿคฌ with my frustration at his utter lack of comprehension as to what I thought I had made clear to him the night before. Obviously, I had not either from my own lack of explanation or his lack of desire to understand – I choose to think it is the latter reason. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Even my dad, in his wont as a man to try to “fix” the situation, gave me advice to go outside and find projects that will make me feel good with physical exertion or, at least satisfaction that I have something to show for my efforts if there is nothing else I can do.

While neither men were incorrect in their statements and suggestions, both men are missing the point. I am a highly educated, intelligent woman who does not find satisfaction or meaning in doing things around the house or outside. Aside from the fact that I am basically allergic to the outdoors between the bugs, plants, and practically the air, it is my brain and mind that needs to feel valued and worked. Like our Beagle puppies, I need to be challenged and intellectually stimulated with a reward at the end – like money, or treats in the case of the pups. ๐Ÿถ

My anger arises from being told that I can make myself useful by cleaning up after him, doing his/our laundry, taking out the trash, or doing whatever other chores around the house that he doesn’t want to do because he has purpose as the one making an income and controlling every other aspect of my life. I am not allowed to complain or ask him to do things because I have expressed a dissatisfaction with my current situation. ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ™„

Admittedly, I realize I may not be helping myself either as I say it is a lack of money, but that I don’t want to work full-time (plus I actually cannot due to our visa) or that I don’t have a sense of purpose each day – which does not equate to doing tasks around the house. Still, I rebuke the idea that I should shut up and take care of things myself no matter if it is domestic or otherwise just because the “man” can’t appreciate the fact that I’m discontent at a lack of control over my own decisions that involve having to spend money, which is basically everything.

So, I am trapped and stuck.

I know it is not easy for him either and realize that my discontent is probably not helping him…. He tried to say that I should see that my purpose for the moment is to support him since he is the only one who can get us through this period of challenges. He’s probably right, but it doesn’t mean that I like it. It also doesn’t change how I feel – for now.

My current solution is to control myself and what I can within my means. I’ve returned to making a daily hourly schedule for myself along with my todo lists. This gives me direction each day at least. I’ve temporarily accepted that my almost 46-year-old self has to ask for permission and funds to spend money on little luxuries like getting my nails or hair done or going out to a cafe to work/write. Plus, I am doing freelance work to try to earn some spending money when I can since my visa is less threatened by that. And so, that is the current reality.

While it keeps me in a bit of a funk, it also is manageable for the moment. ๐Ÿคช Maybe now I can focus on writing and doing other productive things that I do enjoy as a distraction ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฝ until this phase ends – and, it will eventually. ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿฝ

~T ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‰โ™‹๏ธ

Doing and Being – Me

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 102022
 

Last week’s poem was a few days/weeks in the making.

I have been feeling a desire to return to writing poetry as sometimes prose is too wordy and lacks an elegance that poetry has in expressing thoughts or emotions. It has been a while since I have used it as a way of expressing myself, but it finally turned into something. This poem came out of recent conversations and ponderings.

My father has always had a zest for life. My husband carries that same attitude toward it. Pea (our female Beagle puppy) seems to have it, while Monty (her brother) is less cheerful – albeit still very cheerful. I do not have it. I never have. In fact, I barely even understand the concept of it.

Still, aside from one or two moments in my life, I have not considered escaping it by my own means. It is not the case that I even hate it. My life is good. The Universe and God have given me more than others might even imagine possible. Yet, I do not love the act of living.

For as long as I can remember, I have said and felt that if I were to die tomorrow, it would be with relief and satisfaction that at last my time in this world is ended. This is not to say that I actively put my life in danger nor that I have a completely blasรฉ attitude about how I go about living. It is to say that I do not hold on to any particular passion or mission that I feel I must fulfill in order to live fully. In fact, passion and mission are not something I think I have ever had nor desired.

Some people are driven by a passion for a craft, a political stance, a fight, an activity, a sense of changing the world. Some people think it is their mission to achieve some goal of success whether it is money, life changes, global improvements, human advancements and the like. I am not. I do not.

So, why do I get up every morning? Why don’t I just kill myself as my husband once asked me in a frustrated conversation about my laissez-faire attitude toward life?

The truth is that I don’t have an answer. I no longer actively consider what gets me out of bed. I no longer actively desire to know my purpose. When I was younger, I spent a lot of brain power on these questions and contemplated, read, discussed how I should live a purpose-filled life. What I found was that, it doesn’t matter.

All our aims at finding happiness, wanting what others have, trying to change the world, being concerned about the state of society, etc. contribute to a continued cycle of discontent and frustration. I have learned that by finding contentment in myself, my life, my ways – all the areas of my control – I do not need nor desire to be involved in the other thoughts. Call me selfish, if you like, but honestly I don’t care.

I have always felt that we, humans, are too controlled and dependent on others. My belief in the power of humanity is based on the power of individuals realizing their strengths and then working with others respecting each other as individuals to create something better. Unfortunately, this rarely ever happens – but it does, and when it does – WOW. Perhaps, it is those moments that I live for….

In any case, I do not feel that life is meant to be about being happy or having zest for the living. While I hope that I have and give value to others, I am also content to just do and be – me.

~T ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‰โ™‹๏ธ

A poem: Life Just Is

 Writing  1 Response »
May 052022
 

Life just is – a wandering of this world
trying to discover what will unfurl.

Life just is – a string of experiences
some good, some bad, some open doors, others fences.

Life just is – a chance to learn
about ourselves, about others, about on what we should concern.

Life just is – but a brief moment
and of what is beyond us, we only have a hint.

Life just is – the here, the now
and each day, I simply try to survive it somehow.

~T ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‰โ™‹๏ธ

Looking for the Silence in the Noise

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 182021
 

Well, we are in Italy ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡น again. I am not yet ready to update on the settling process; it will be coming soon as there has been some progress, but the art of learning to be patient continues to be the school of life. Either way, I will soon be graduating ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐ŸŽ“ or dropping out ๐Ÿ‘Ž. So, stay tuned for that. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Recently, I have been waking up to the sound of videos and going to bed to the sound of videos ๐ŸŽฅ. Even as I tried to write early, I was forced to listen to the sound of a video only occasionally interrupted by a one-sided phone conversation.

My other half likes noise. A common phrase expressed by me throughout moments of the day is, “It’s a bit loud…”. ๐Ÿ˜›

Last night, we had a disagreement that miraculously was not an argument ๐Ÿ˜‡ despite the nature of the topic and our state of minds. The heat wave ๐Ÿฅต, lack of A/C ๐Ÿ˜“, lack of consistent wifi ๐Ÿ˜ก, and ongoing unsettled way of life ๐Ÿ˜ are contributing factors to my less than cheery temperament since we arrived again in the land of pizza ๐Ÿ• and pasta ๐Ÿ .

Rest assured that M and I are indeed on the same page overall. I have enough awareness that while we go about life differently, we are still partner’s enjoying an adventure together. We love each other ๐Ÿ’— without a doubt. We have managed to grow closer even through these past couple of crazy years so far; and so, in that area, there is nothing to worry about nor to complain about (generally).

This does not deny the fact that he frustrates me to no end and vice versa – though obviously me less so to him…! ๐Ÿ˜›

There is a darkness that fills the space we live in here – not just literally from limited windows and stone walls, but also figuratively in its energy. There is a darkness that surrounds the people we are heavily relying on for our peace of mind, stability, and future. There is a darkness that does not belong in an otherwise beautiful and bright place/expereince.

Itโ€™s no secret that Italy was never our first choice of destinations. Once we arrived, though, we both agreed to follow the path that we are on. While I have had hesitations from the start, I have continued on whilst keeping the prize in full view. However, it has not been the smooth and straight path that I was led to believe it would be when I jumped on board.

Like the windy roads that we drive on everyday, it is unknown what is around the bend. When a car drives slowly in front of us, it is not clear if it is better to follow it slowly, or speed on by.

Similarly, I feel that we sometimes speed up only to slow right down, and then not know if we should pass or just enjoy the slower scenery passing by.

While M enjoys the speed and blurring sights, it seems to have become white noise to him along with the sounds of the mindless videos he watches as a distraction from our current reality. For me, I just want to stop ๐Ÿ›‘, breathe ๐Ÿง˜๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ, and enjoy a bit of quiet/calm. Unfortunately, this tends to come out in expressions of impatience and annoyance at all that is not these things (totally my bad!). Unfortunately, the craving to walk in the light gets overshadowed by the darkness that swirls around this Italian path. Unfortunately, my determination to keep following this path is quickly waning with each dismissive comment, eye roll ๐Ÿ™„, and command to trust a gut that I know from experience and anecdotes cannot always be trustedโ€ฆ.

At what point does it become my gut that gets trusted? At what point does my vote get taken as importantly as his? At what point do we agree to call it a day with this path we are on?

He says that we will know.

How? When?

We donโ€™t know.

So, my curious logical brain understands the desire to see where the road ends – whether positively or negatively. If we change course now, we will never know if it was worth it or not.

The good thing is that either way, we will be okay. We will just choose another path if it doesnโ€™t end up as we hoped. Or, we will reflect back looking at the hill we climbed and feel satisfaction that we stayed the course despite the winding road.

In the meantime, I just want a bit of silence. So, I write in the late hours when the house is dark, the man slumbers, and itโ€™s just me with the fans as white noise over the pounding of the keys as my fingers try to keep up with my thoughts to find the silence within the noise.

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Dichotomies of Youth

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Aug 142021
 

Itโ€™s true that I have a critical view of the world and people. I probably should have trained to become a judge ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿฝโ€โš–๏ธ as I hold individuals, including myself, to a high moral standard. Also, I am a constant observer, analyst, and commentator on human behavior. Often, this comes out as harsh, arrogant, and not very empathetic or compassionate comments to those who are privy to my personal thoughts.

For the past month we have been staying with friends with an occasional trade-off of watching their daughters. Even when our friends are home, we still spend quite a bit of time with the girls. One (P) has just turned 10 and the other (C) recently turned 12 – going on 40.

While I generally enjoy children, I have never been able to cope with certain behaviors – no matter what age.

With C, I basically have no issue as we have a similar temperament and her being a middle-aged pre-teen is relatable for me. Of course, like any human, she has moments of irritation and clear lack of life experience. I AM empathetic, compassionate, and kind with her expressions of thought, whether with undesired attitude or not. Overall, she has a reflective and harmless way. Plus, sheโ€™s a fellow Cancer sign ๐Ÿฆ€ and intuit.

On the other hand, P pushes all my wrong buttons ๐Ÿคฌ despite moments of cuteness and acceptable sauciness. ๐Ÿ˜œ Obviously, sheโ€™s only ten. However, she already has a mastery of selfishness, smugness, and laziness that I cannot wrap my head around as my core values do not align. Her aura is one of frustration for me, because while I believe she will be able to outgrow these less attractive ways, I worry that her early awareness of manipulation and deception will twist her path in becoming an upright human; though, I maintain optimism that I will be totally surprised at being wrong about her.

In another of Mโ€™s strangely dismissive comments about me, to me, he retorted that I judge no one as a โ€œgood parentโ€ all the while not ever having had my own children.

Itโ€™s generally easy to throw this comment at someone who is childless as there is no comeback for them. It is also an excellent way to shut down a discussion or analysis of the human condition. Usually, I take it as a way of evading any potential negative criticism that might be directed at the one closing the door of rhetoric. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

For me, I freely admit that I donโ€™t know what it is like to raise children and struggle to guide beings into becoming functional adults within my personal life. However, as an educator ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿฝโ€๐Ÿซ and researcher in the development of people, I feel that I have both an academic and tangential knowledge of what young people need. The more important aspect is that I view these youth without an emotional or biased attachment that comes with having oneโ€™s own offspring.

So, while my husband can be flippant with his comments, he forgets that I am actually educated in helping children grow, as a classroom tends to be as important for creating adults who contribute to the success of society as does the home. One could even argue that it is more so.

Further to his comment, I am not particularly judging othersโ€™ parenting skills as I am fully aware that life is complicated and itโ€™s a challenge to balance survival with child rearing. I am in awe of people who choose to bring another life into this world and attempt not to โ€˜fโ€™ them up. ๐Ÿ˜… I never felt able to take on such a heavy responsibility as it took me years to sort myself out. So, I have zero regrets for not having my own mini-meโ€™s, but a thousand respects for those who do. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

Basically, I find it interesting/curious ๐Ÿง to see how two beings can come from the same parents and be so different. I often ponder out loud how to curb what I deem to be more worrisome characteristics in a young person so that it does not become a challenge for them or their parents later in life. Ultimately, though, everyone does their best – for the most part. Nature is a very strong feature that no matter how much nurturing is given cannot always be tamed.

Either way, Iโ€™ve been learning about myself and M even more through the shared kid-duty responsibilities and enjoying getting to know these young people (and their parents) even more. I look forward to seeing how they change over the coming years. ๐Ÿ’ž

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Happy 45th!

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jun 272021
 

With the average lifespan of a woman being about 81.1 years according to 2020 stats, Iโ€™m more than halfway through my walk on earth. However, I consider myself good to at least 90 or so; therefore, I shall call this year mid-life.

Thereโ€™s no crisis in thought like there was around my 40th when M mentioned that I had another 40 years to go. The past five years have given me perspective with the last two or so really providing me the ability to appreciate my life so far.

Someone told me recently that I must feel so wise and experienced compared to others after I had given her a brief on how Iโ€™ve spent my adult life so far and the choices, either made for me or by me, that led me to where I am today. I replied that it is not a hierarchy or about comparing. We are all handed a certain deck and itโ€™s all about how we play them, which can be somewhat based on luck of circumstances as well as how we create our own realities.

For me, Iโ€™m certain I was born with my stubborn streak. My baby โ€œresting bitch faceโ€ pretty much makes that clear. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

My โ€œluckโ€ was that I was provided with influences early on in life that werenโ€™t what one would consider to be the most positive, so my stubborn streak guided me toward being โ€œgoodโ€. After all, I have been told my Korean name โ€œSun Huiโ€ means โ€œgood girlโ€. However, the truth is that I could have just as easily gone the other way had I not been naturally inclined to contrariness. ๐Ÿคช

In any case, I sit today in pure contentment with my life. As I write, there is a soft breeze blowing in the perfectly tempered sunny afternoon of southern France. I spent the day by the pool in the company of my love ๐Ÿ˜ at the easy pace of zero expectation. After a week full of activity and birthday celebrations that started early due to plans that remain fluid, as always, it has been an amazing day of quiet ๐Ÿคซ.

The thing is, upon reflection, it has not been an easy journey to get to this place of peace and calm (and continues to be a daily balancing act). While I am very grateful for the ability to lead the life we lead, I do not underestimate or devalue my own participation in creating the lifestyle of my dreams.

It hasnโ€™t been all sunshine โ˜€๏ธ and champagne ๐Ÿพ .

When I hear others talk about the things they want in life or envy the life I have, but are in the next breath unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or persist in the activities and mindset required to make their hopes and dreams a reality, I am dismayed and disappointed. We are all fully capable of creating the kind of world we want to live in. It is easy to complain or give excuses or blame others for the reasons why we arenโ€™t living the life that we want, but an honest look at ourselves will probably reveal the unwanted truth of our own responsibility, fear, and laziness in why we are discontent. We need to own that truth and decide what we want to do about it.

One thing I have never fully been able to understand is the mentality that many I have come across in my life hold of the world owing us something. Sometimes, that โ€˜worldโ€™ is attributed to parents or friends or people of our past. Although we are beholden to others when we are children, as adults all of that responsibility becomes our own. Dwelling in the what-ifs or finger-pointing is a complete cop-out to me. Every one of us (in the fairly privileged first and second worlds at least) have the ability to change our lives.

If we want to have more money, then we have two choices – change our jobs or work more jobs. If we want to have more free time, then we have two choices – accept having less money or make more money to provide the ability to work less. Whatever it is we want, there are basically two choices – do something about it so that we can have it or accept that we donโ€™t/canโ€™t have it.

No one else is responsible for those choices or wants. Once we have our basic needs met, everything else is on us.

This is how I have led my life.

I didnโ€™t want to stay in Oregon after finishing university because I realized there was a whole world out there I knew nothing about. I hated Japan when I visited, but my options at the time were to go back to Japan or stay in Oregon. I didnโ€™t want to continue being married to the man I had committed to after realizing that he wasnโ€™t going to be husband I deserved. I hated the thought of divorce, but I hated the thought of living life being miserable even more. I didnโ€™t want to become an English language educator because I had imagined a different career. However, I wanted to travel and I didnโ€™t necessarily want to spend more than a couple of years training or working my way up to be able to travel and see the world as I have. I didnโ€™t necessarily want to get married again because a legal document does not make a committed relationship. Yet, upon finding the person I could see myself growing old happily with, I preferred to compromise than be alone or in less contented relationships in the future.

Life could easily have been different. It is not hard to justify an argument that I entered life with a rough start. It would have been easy enough to blame my birth mother, my temporary families that abused and traumatized me, my seemingly unlucky start to life. I could have taken a different road and view of the world. However, thanks to my stubbornness and a bit of lucky elements I have survived and worked very hard for this 45th birthday of contentment.

No sad piggy tears for me!

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Europe Phase II

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Apr 272021
 

Six months ago, we landed in France planning to rent for a few months and then finding a place to put down roots long-term.

As life continues to remind me, most things rarely go as planned…. First, there is COVID with lockdowns and difficulties in being able to explore areas. Then, there is a lack of knowing exactly what we want. More importantly, there is the Footner element that requires fluidity and flexibility in any type of planning.

It doesn’t mean that there isn’t eventually follow-through, it just means that the timing and commitment to a decision may not happen as one (I) might prefer/desire/hope/dream!

Therefore, for various reasons, we leave on Sunday for what I’m now calling Phase II of our European settlement adventure.

Where are we going?

We will be heading to a small town in the province of Umbria, Italy.

Why are we going there?

Well, the short answer is because we paid a good chunk of cash to ensure that we can get visas. Although, by some weird twist of fate, M has already gotten his French visa, I have yet to hear anything regarding mine. My “free” 90-days stay has long passed, which causes me a bit of strife even though I do have a registration number and can be here as a former EU citizen’s spouse. However, the complications of Brexit, etc. make me less comfortable with those mere threads of bureaucratic legitimacy, so off to Italy we go where I already have an agreement for a residency visa there for at least the next five years – renewable.

What does that mean exactly?

It means that we have to have a ‘residence’ in Italy to legitimize the visa and all other paperwork and status comes through Italy instead of France, as we had originally planned. Thus, we need to head to Italy for a month or so to get the paperwork done and to move forward with our settling in Europe. We have a place rented, though we may find a larger space as our aim is to have a “winter” home there as well as an address to send our stuff that is still in Japan. There are worse things to plan, I’m sure! ๐Ÿ˜›

I have made M promise that we are coming back to this area of France as my new friends are here and I don’t want to just disappear. Though, he has put some typically “Footner” twists into the Phase III plans, but since those could change by the time I finish this post, I won’t bother to put it down into print just yet. ๐Ÿ˜‰

So, Europe Phase I has been lovely and definitely worth the Japan departure six months ago. My French is coming along fairly well, though I have started an online class to improve my speaking and listening. I figured it was a good time to do so since I’ll be away from any chance of being exposed to it while in Italy and I don’t plan to learn more than a few words in Italian so as not to get too comfortable!

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

2020: Pausing to Breathe

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Sep 072020
 

It is becoming popular to say โ€œ2020โ€ sucks because of COVID-19. It is becoming acceptable to complain and then blame it on the year that so many claim has not happened nor looks like it will before 2021 arrives.

I am curious to know if there is a common introverted vs extroverted response to the evolution of this year, or if optimists react differently than pessimists.

As a realist, here is my take.

The abnormality of this year has been like hitting the pause button on a movie. As someone who actually gets overwhelmed by all the motion and noise of the world, this pause has been like going figuratively out into the woods to take a long deep breath of fresh, clean, pure air.

So, when I hear all the moaning of the noisy minority I think I feel a kind of personal affront to who I am because to be perfectly honest, this has been an amazing year for me. I will be remember 2020 as the year that the world stopped long enough for some of us to take a long deep breath.

In a way, we have seen a division in personalities.

There are those who have told me that all the negative realities of the world are overwhelming them mentally and physically that they are struggling to face the days. There are those who have told me that they feel trapped by the lack of travel or free movement. There are those who have told me that they are bored with their lives because they cannot โ€œdoโ€ anything.

My response to those who are overwhelmed by the negative realities because they tend to spend the majority of their time on social media or watching mass media feeding their brains with all the negativity: turn off the noise!

My response to those who are feel trapped: exercise, plan an amazing trip for next time and save up all the money you can now so that when the freedom is returned you donโ€™t look back and wonder why you didnโ€™t prepare for travel and moving again. Be proactive and prepare!

My response to those who are bored: get over yourself and DO something for others. So many restaurants, organizations, programs are struggling. Look them up and offer to DO something or donate if youโ€™re one of the lucky few who has the income to do so. There are a million things to DO in a day that there is really no excuse for this statement.

Now, before my reader says, but: Do you follow your own responses? I preemptively respond with a YEP. And, though it may mean I have to toot my own horn, here is what I have been doing that addresses these perspectives.

1. I have screen time set to turn off every day from 7pm to 5am and itโ€™s off all day on Sundays with the exception of one or two apps that I might use or that I use with my family in case something comes up. I also look at social media twice a day for a max of about 30 minutes or I look for the sole purpose of the magazine to get more followers or contributors. None of it is allowed to be processed too deeply on a regular basis. I do not watch or read the news, so most information comes via word of mouth or an occasional headline that I might see.

2. I admit that this is a little unfair in that we are preparing to move countries and so I have this to look forward to sooner than most. However, as someone who is used to traveling every few months, it has been a challenge. Instead, I have focused on building up our savings account and ensuring that we have a fund to splurge out – plus that fund is allowing us to not stress over the big move.

3. Aside from starting the magazine, I have donated to a homeless organization, used smile.amazon.com to support a โ€˜charityโ€™ organization every time we purchase something online, bought from local venues, sent random gifts to others, made gifts for others, and more. So, despite not being an overly charitable person, I have made an effort to push myself to be more generous.

Iโ€™m not trying to sound arrogant, but I am trying to say that I am no one special and there are numerous times in my life when I could have said that I prefer the path of darkness, self-pity, anger, bitterness, and wallow in the murky waters. I could have found a number of people to support that way of thinking and to tell me that I deserve to feel that way. However, as Robert Frost wrote: I chose the road less traveled by.

To me, itโ€™s the easy and lazy way to go with the belief that life sucks. Itโ€™s simple-minded to say 2020 is the worst year ever or to blame a year – which has no personified qualities whatsoever. Instead, it takes character, integrity and strength to find a path forward that inspires and leads to the best version of who I can be. I want to look in the mirror every day and be satisfied with the person looking back at me instead of dodging the mirror altogether or playing a negative tune at the reflection.

We all have the ability to be and do more. Just do it – one step at a time.

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