Restoring Humanity

Nov 092020

I don’t normally provide political commentary on social media or public platforms because I know how divisive such topics can be, and without the ability to have face-to-face dialog on such topics, I try to avoid pushing those hot buttons. 💥 However, there are times when I feel the need to do so – like now. 😜

Growing up, I had a fairly conservative bend to my views. On many issues, I still have a fairly black-and-white, or conservative, perspective especially when it comes to crime and punishment. However, there are probably more issues on which I am either middle ground or liberal, like a woman’s right to decide on anything related to her body or socialized healthcare, etc.

Having lived abroad pretty much all of my adult life, I do not take part in discussions related to taxes or local legislations that I am not involved in. I do not feel that I should have a say as I do not pay taxes in the US and probably never will. 🤷🏽‍♀️

One perk of living abroad is having an outside perspective 👀 on my country and also seeing it through the eyes 👁 of others. I was in the UAE when our current head of state was elected and I sat in disbelief 😳 as others cried or shared their own bewilderment 🤯 at what the American public had decided.

At the time, I understood how it happened. I even had some sympathy for why it happened. However, after four years of watching, listening, and having dialog with fellow countrywo/men and non, I am disappointed by the state of affairs 😣 and how the Elections of 2020 have shaped up as I observe from abroad along with the rest of the world as my nation continues to fight amongst themselves. 🥺

It has been with a deep sadness 😥 and utter disbelief 🤬 with the lack of decency and humanity that we watch what is being acted out in America. Yet, what is to be expected when the leader of our country constantly encourages rhetoric that stems from selfishness and ignorance? 😡 It doesn’t matter anymore how he was allowed to be in such a position, but it does matter how we move forward. 😏

I learned when I was young that it’s not necessarily in how we behave when we win that shows our character, but it is in how we lose.

I’m not saying that Democrats or liberals would necessarily have behaved any better than the prez or those of his party are now, which is my point.

When, why, how did we lose touch with our humanity? At what point did the rhetoric push us to accept that tolerance, meaningful and open dialog, and the gentlemanly way of agreeing to disagree were no longer part of the etiquette that allows us to live together in peace? 🙏🏽

Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be angry about racism, violence, discrimination, and all the other soap box topics. I’ve got plenty of my own to stand on and shout out about. 💪🏽 What I am saying, though, is that there has to be a humane way of expressing and addressing these issues that don’t lead to peaceful protests turning into violent 🤕 activity causing everyone to forget what the main point was in the first place. Or, there has to be a way that people don’t feel the need to use guns or force to feel safe in their own homes and personal spaces. Or, there has to be a way to speak without screaming and gnashing of teeth. 😬🤔

The reason I did not vote for Trump is not just because of the issues, as there are many things he has done for the country that I would happily consider as positives in terms of the economy.

The reason I did not vote for him is because he is NOT a decent human being and should NOT be the face or human that represents the nation that I love. If I had any sense that there were redeeming qualities about him or that he showed an inkling of humility in his speeches, then I may have considered voting another way.

No one is perfect. No one is the ideal human being. 😇 I have no illusions that previous presidents were faultless, especially with their politics. However, this is what makes them human. The ones that have been loved for their service are those who showed qualities of being human – compassion, empathy, humility, and grace. These are the qualities of leaders that inspire and make others aspire to be like them.

I truly hope that no one ever says to me that they want to be like Trump. I think that says it all.

~T 😀

Where to even begin…?

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 022020

There is so much going on in the world these days that it really is overwhelming to try to process it all. It’s hard not to get caught up in the fury that rages, or to want to ostrich my head in the sand or put a towel over my face in hopes of not being seen – or rather not seeing or hearing what’s happening outside of my bubble.

Today, I will discuss what is spreading internationally – and I don’t mean COVID-19.

The cups of rage, injustice, frustration, and inhumanity runneth over creating a massive tidal wave of destruction, bloodshed, and further inhumanity.

Let me first say that while I absolutely am for ALL LIVES MATTER as I posted about almost two years ago when a similar pandemic filled the streets with protesters, I am not silently (or even noisily) condoning racist behavior IN ANY WAY.

However, combine the three stories below with months of forced isolation where people are getting brainwashed through whatever media channel they prefer to watch and it is no wonder that there is an outrage that explodes faster than the actual virus that the world has come to, justifiably or not, fear.

Ahmaud Arbery

Christian Cooper

George Floyd

I like Kevin Hart’s message about the media’s responsibility to create the right narrative, which is not about the protests and rage, but it should be “on the side of the solution”.

“Everybody’s conversation should be about the change.”

This.

This is a systemic problem that needs to be addressed properly. Our conversations should not be about race or color. The conversations should be around why humans in power think it is okay to dehumanize those without it (George Floyd). The conversations should be around why the human ego has become so big that we only think about ourselves at the expense of another person’s safety and freedom (Alice Cooper). The conversations should be around why anyone thinks they are above the law to take it into their own hands based on a horribly misrepresented world view of another person (Ahmaud Arbery).

We need to talk about the history that continues to repeat itself when a country (countries) decided to build itself up at the expense of another society and culture. It has been happening from the building of the great Eyptian structures to the development of the United States.

Success cannot last when there is no acknowledgment of the sacrifice, shedding of blood, sweat, and tears, and recognition that without the history of this, societies would not be where they are today. We know this to be true individually, yet somehow when it comes to the masses, we choose to ignore it – ostrich; avoiding the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy).

When we fail to have compassion and gratitude for what others have done for us, we lose the right to progress smoothly and gently. When we fail to acknowledge and thank those who paved the way for us to have it easier or better, we lose the right to moan about the struggles we have now. When we fail to learn from the past, we fail in the present and lay a path of continual failure into the future.

Healing must come at a deep and meaningful level. We have to have the right conversations. They aren’t conversations of white vs black; Asian or non Asian; man vs woman; rich vs poor. These are the consequences or the death from the virus, so-to-speak. Instead, we need to talk about power as the source, ego as the source, humanity as the source. When we can understand and heal the source, then can we remove the rot that is spreading throughout.

So, it saddens me deeply to see the world destroying itself on so many levels. It worries me to see how easily people comply to fear which leads to limited understanding from limited information which leads to Lemming-ton. We should all be worried when governments issue militarized curfews to prevent free speech and freedom to protest against the powers that be. We should all be worried when leadership passes bills to prevent the spreading of incorrect facts and lies under the pretense of free speech. No wonder the world is angry….

~T 🙁

Comfort in Isolated Community

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Apr 092020

These days, my parents and I seem to be Skyping about every two weeks. Although they are still young at heart and generally fit, I do remind them that they aren’t getting any younger – much to their chagrin. (It’s my duty as a daughter to keep it real! ) Therefore, our regular catch ups serve multiple purposes. 😉

There were periods of time in the past when it would be months in between our chats. It was partially life, partially technology, partially me, and partially them. There was never a major reason for it – it just happened. Still, I knew I could always call them anytime.

Despite my fairly blase (or anti-drama/extremism/it’s a conspiracy somewhere) attitude toward our current global situation, I realize that it is probably getting more radical as time passes. Therefore, it makes it even more comforting being able to talk with people who think like I do.

Of course, my beliefs are heavily influenced on how I was raised, so it’s natural that my family and I have similar outlooks and responses to the world. But, we have had quite varied life experiences. Also, not everyone who is family thinks the same way – nor should it be expected. Yet, talking with my parents this week made me really appreciate our commonality.

Or, maybe, what I appreciate is that we have always had the ability to share freely how we think about life without judgement or fear of upsetting the other. Thinking back, this has always been the case. Our immediate family has no secrets – that I know of! – from each other; of course, it wouldn’t be a secret if I knew. 😛 Perhaps, it is that I have no secrets from my family; therefore, I feel completely at ease discussing any topic with them whether it is in person, via Skype, or through writing.

It is a reminder to me how perfect of a match my parents are to me.

Once, my brother shared his opinion of our parents, which drastically differed from my own. This is absolutely not to say that he doesn’t love them to pieces, but he experienced growing up with them in a different way than I did.

It’s one of those great psychological wonders: how do the same parents end up with two completely different children in personality? We’ve all read about, seen, or even know examples of this dichotomy. It’s always a mystery. If we consider that the parents treated each child basically the same, then how can the children grow up to be so different?

Well, we are individuals, of course. We all experience the same events in a myriad of ways that are unique to our psychological and chemical make-up. Of course, we are influenced by our environment, and obviously even the best of parents cannot treat their children exactly the same (no matter how much they try to convince us otherwise).

Still, some siblings are shown to think exactly the same. Some families are shown to be a complete entity of their own.

For most of my young life, I believed this kind of similarity could only happened to blood families. If you shared DNA, then it was no mystery as why or how they were similar.

However, with age comes some wisdom and with reflection comes knowledge. It is not always about blood, but it is always about spirit. The Universe deemed it right and completely logical that I would be raised by two people that I call ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’. I didn’t at first as it took me years to convince myself that they were mine to keep forever. But, now, there’s no doubt that we are cut from the same cloth – just with different designs.

So, during this time of self-isolation and quarantine, I find that it is not that hard to be away from others. It’s like my best dream come true, really – though not so great as to the way it came about.

I don’t have to communicate with others to absorb their reactions to the situation and vice versa. I don’t have to worry about offending others if I disagree or stress myself out in keeping my thoughts to myself. I don’t have to be influenced by other’s energies other than my husband’s.

It’s bliss.

Just a final disclaimer – I’m not an advocate of surrounding oneself with those who always think the same or mutually agree on everything. OMG, would that be boring! I do love a good debate and discussion on different perspectives. I’m just saying that in this time of high anxiety and stress for most, it is comforting to know that I have an isolated community who gets me. 😉

~T 😀

Golden Joinery

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 172020

There is a Japanese art form called kintsugi or kintsukuroi, which is used to repair broken pottery using a metal (gold or silver generally) to repair the broken item.

When we fall in love or start a new relationship, whether friendly or romantic, we look at the connection as perfect and untouched. Like we do with decorative plates, we try the best we can to protect the original purity of the shape, quality, and value.

However, since we are not able to put our relationships into a safety box, after the ‘honeymoon period’ levels off, normal wear and tear starts to dim down the initial brightness.

Every time we fight with someone a little crack is made in that perfect plate. Even without knowing it, the cracks can continue to spread into a myriad of microscopic lines like a snowflake. Relationships often end because those little cracks go untreated which can weaken the integrity to the point that the plate completely shatters into millions of pieces with no possibility of being put back together again.

Before getting to this point, there are obviously various ways to prevent a total breakdown.

There is a Japanese philosophy called wabi-sabi, which is to appreciate flaws or imperfections due to the natural wear of life. They also follow the idea that change, imperfection, and even fractures are inevitable aspects of living.

These are reasonable philosophies to take on in many ways. To add to them, I also like to consider that if we apply melted gold or silver to the cracks, it not only makes the piece complete again, but also adds value to the original. It may not be the same as when new, but the mended version may be even stronger and more beautiful.

Relationships of all kind take effort. We have to regularly take the piece off a shelf to dust, inspect for any unsuspecting cracks or chips, and appreciate the beauty that it brings to our lives. All too often, we forget to put in the effort and take for granted that it will always be there safe on a shelf.

Whenever I fight with someone, I feel a little like (not to be too dramatic) a piece of me dies. It’s as if a tiny hole has been poked like the inverse of a black screen that allows in a stream of light, but a spot of darkness enters instead. I believe that it is these dark spots that turn into cancer if not addressed completely to plug up the holes with beautiful gold or silver.

Being the kind of person who struggles to express positive emotions it is a good reminder for me to keep gold on hand when I might inadvertently cause a crack or even a hole to open while maintaining a balance in wabi-sabi.

Tidying Up!

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 232019

Sometimes I wish that I had more of a business mind to take my interests and turn them into something that makes money. Or, that at least I had known it was an option earlier in my life. I know it’s never too late and I do have some ideas brewing that could generate income, but for the moment, just read on as I half lament and half feel inspired. 😛

In my early adulthood, I remember saying that I wish I could get paid to organize people’s homes because I love it.

Then, some 20 years later, Marie Kondo hit the bestseller list and now has her own TV show. I suppose it’s timing and circumstances, plus more ambition for such things than I have/had.

Instead, I’ve read her book and devoured her show on Netflix as I share her excitement in seeing a mess turn into organized bliss. Plus, the changes that occur in a person through the process is worth even more. Perhaps, this is actually the real draw to my love of organizing and positive change. Besides, there are always the extreme hoarders that I definitely would not want to have to try to organize and would make me doubt a full-time effort in such an area. (See, there’s always another perspective! 😛 )

Anyway, along the vein of tidying up, we have been working on our own house in terms of our physical belongings. As I posted a couple months back, I threw away bags and bags of papers that I had taken all over the world (literally) with me. On top of that, during the recent winter break, we went through clothes and closets getting rid of more unnecessary things in our home. It’s still an ongoing process that requires baby steps, but it’s a refreshing activity when more space is created allowing an air of lightness and joy to replace it.

The new year’s period in Japan is a time spent cleaning the house to make more space for what the coming year has to bring. The act of cleaning has a spiritual element as well, which I can appreciate. There is something about the cold breeze and bright sun that allows a refreshing air to enter the home (briefly before we turn on the heat!) as a way of starting the new year cleansed.

Something we don’t often talk about, though, is tidying up our relationships or the energies that we both give off and receive.

However, this is also necessary from time to time.

Therefore, I am somewhat tidying up my relationships with others. While I want to remain compassionate and understanding of others’ perspectives and where they are in their lives, due to my sensitivity to others’ energies, I have committed myself to no longer enabling the dark clouds to enter my light space.

Through tidying up my mind in daily meditation and releasing my thoughts regularly in my journal (combination bullet and daily diary as well) as well as posting more here, I find that I am better able to maintain my own joy and focus. Although we do not live in isolation, nor is it healthy despite my wistfulness for such a life, we can take control and responsibility for how we let others affect us.

Since I know that when someone writes or shares a “woe-is-me” kind of story it affects my mood, I have determined not to promote it by giving positive reinforcement towards the comments. Or, if someone moans and groans about something in the office or their lives, I will not indulge the pity party that is often desired.

Now, this is a delicate balance because I, by no means, wish to be insensitive to the fact that sometimes we just need to release our thoughts and feelings to those whom we trust and are close enough to. It’s an honor to be such a person for someone. However, if I provide a positive response to encourage that person to see the situation in a different light and s/he doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to shift their perspective, then there is not much I can do. Also, I’m not responsible for their shift, unless I’m in a ‘life coach’ role (in which case I’m paid or expected to fulfill that role). Therefore, in order to walk in the light, as Olivia Pope in Scandal often says, I have to rise above just being a ‘listening ear’ and ‘shoulder to cry on’ if it threatens to bring me down as well.

There is a lot of angst in the world and we all have our phases or days in life that are less than shiny. I’m not immune either. However, we have choices. We can choose how we respond to others. We can choose how much we let affect us. We can choose how much time we spend with people. We can choose the actions, words, and steps that we take in our lives. We can’t control the results that come from it, but with each choice, we must know that there will be a consequence of some kind.

So, in some cases, my choices in tidying up may have negative results – it’s happened before – or they may have positive ones. Either way, I’m content if it helps me to fulfill my goals and purpose in life to inspire others to walk into the light and shine with their best foot forward. 😀

While I may not be ‘tidying up’ just physical spaces (neither is the KonMari method), I am enjoying a lighter space in my mind and heart. So, beware if you’re a person in my life who’s not quite in the same place with all this as I am. I don’t love you less nor do I judge you more. I accept you are where you are. I offer my love always. However, you may see or hear a bit less from me.

**Disclaimer – please understand that never on any circumstances would I ever turn someone away or not make time for someone if they really need my help. Those who know me, know, my love and loyalty is deep and forever.**

But, for the superficial levels, you’re on your own! 😛

~T 😀

Ms B***h

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 162017

Last night I finally came to an understanding about my mood since I returned from Japan. M had been gently complaining about my ‘tude a bit, but I had been ignoring him since he was annoying me with Mr Gropey. 😛

However, as I was telling him a story – a not very interesting one to be fair – he was falling asleep. Similarly, a few days ago, I was also telling him a story – again probably not that interesting – when he interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me his unrelated thought and then again later that same day completely ignored me whilst on his phone.

So, as I got a bit annoyed last night because I asked if he had fallen asleep while I was talking, he laughed and said now he was awake, could I tell him another “interesting” story…. Although I was good-natured about it, I said to him no wonder I have a mood when the only person I talk to in a day is him and he ignores me or interrupts me – ie. is disrespectful and rude to me. In his mind, he does not see himself as being rude and somehow justifies his behavior because of disinterest. As if I am always interested in the dribble he shares about work, clients, etc. That is not the point. I listen because he wants to share with me. It should not have to engage me or draw my attention as I appreciate that he wants to release his thoughts, frustrations, etc. with me. However, this is not being reciprocated.

On the other side, I also need friends to relieve some of the pressure off of him as my only sounding board in a day. After a week with my BFF with whom I can ramble on with about anything and everything, I came back to a solitary world – which I do enjoy -, but acknowledge may not be the healthiest of worlds for me.

The problem is that my circle of friends has diminished and changed. My closest friends are caught up in the world of mommyhood and being working mothers. In fact, that just seems to be the general world in which I am in – no matter what circle I try to enter. The MRTTAD ladies are all moms – hence the name. The golf ladies are mostly moms. Then, if the ladies are not moms, they are ladies/wives of leisure who may have jobs, but do not freelance like I do. Therefore, when they are free I am working or I am free when they are working. Plus, there is an age gap and a mind gap.

Ultimately, then, there is this – my view of the world that does not match others. First, I do not have money to spend freely as we continue to live day-by-day or week-by-week when things are good. Second, I do not get off on being a PWA who flaunts her money or privilege to those around me who have not or can not. Finally, I am a cynic who spends a lot of time on introspection. Therefore, I really do need an intimate circle of philosophers. Am I being too picky???? 😉

So, after being spoiled for two weeks, spending time with one of the few people in the world with whom I can weave in and out of my societal critiques, laugh about nothing, and spend time with when we are both able it is no wonder that I am struggling to readjust to depending on only one person to stimulate my mind. Thus, Ms B***h has been present. However, now that I know I can work on this somehow – either I gotta make more of an effort to make some friends or I need to adjust my ‘tude. 😉 😛

~T 😀

3-Month NYRs Check-In

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 202017

Since we are already a quarter into the year, I thought it would be prudent to do a bit of a check-in on my New Year’s Resolutions made. After all, why make them if I do not intend to check in or follow through? So, here they are (linked to the original) with some updates on my progress so far. 🙂

Health:

Well, the six-pack is in progress, but not quite there yet. Or, perhaps I have regressed a bit. First, I had not yet anticipated the amount of yoga that I was going to have to do regularly; therefore, I cut back on my gym time. Still, the yoga is not getting me there either, so I will need to re-evaluate this.

Also, we were playing around with a different diet which I have discovered is not going to work for me at all. Therefore, this is being tweaked, but I am hopeful that it shall be coming soon! 😛

Work:

The waiting list is in the works, I hope. My client base is growing, which is definitely good. However, I have let my organization and momentum fade a bit. I am not sure why on this just yet, but think I’ll be refreshed in April after my upcoming holiday.

I am taking an online psychology course at the moment, so am happy with that progress. The option for wellness retreats is possibly in the works, but I need to speak to some more people about this option. Also, I am considering signing up for an online nutrition course as well, so these learning options are in the works.

I am also going to be adjusting the blog side of my business website to include more ‘lifestyle’ elements.

In the writing area I am writing periodically to get something together, so there is progress there as well!!

Finances:

Well, things are progressing a bit slower in this category. The good news is that the debt is getting paid slowly, but we are not quite caught up yet. Since we still have an exit plan for June, we are going to have to step up in this area a bit more.

Relationships:

As I write this, I am on my way to visiting my BFF and spending time with my godson, so that is definitely meeting my goals! 😀

I am also very selective about my time these days, choosing to spend it with those that I want to invest in and those who also give back to me.

Family:

I must admit that I am at a bit of a crossroads with my brother. I tried to reach out and then never heard back. I know that I have not tried hard enough and so I need to give it another go. So, I will soon. 😀

In the meantime I am doing what I can to at least focus on the other goals. Hubby and I are in phases with going electronics free times, but we are bonding and staying strong together. <3

So, overall, I am content with my progress at this quarterly check-in. I can see where I have not been as good or may need to balance out a bit more. It also keeps me motivated to keep going for these goals I set!!!

~T 😀

Gonna See My BFF!!

Going Mental No Responses »

Feb 062017

This weekend was really an excellent weekend all around. I got to relax and enjoy time with friends on top of working, etc.

However, the very best part of the weekend was booking my flight ✈️🔜🗾to Japan 🇯🇵in March to see my BFF for two weeks!!! 👏🏽 I am beyond excited and thrilled that I could get the ticket using miles; 👍🏽thus only having to pay about $100 for the ticket! 🙌🏽🙌🏽

We are already planning our visit to Kyoto 🏯 🚅 since it will be E’s spring break time as well. It’s gonna be so much fun!!!!

M has noted that I am noticeably in a better mood with more energy and it is true that having something to look forward to along with the prospect of leaving the country after 15 months thrills me!😄

Of course, we are hoping that he will be able to join as well so that both of us can have a holiday together. It would be his first time to see Japan; but if he cannot make it then there will always be another chance. 😜 I will definitely make sure I go to enjoy anyway!!😆

So, that is one of my 2017 NYRs coming to fruition as I had hoped. It is setting a good tone for everything in life to pick up and start to bring us some relief from our stresses the past year has brought to us….

Anyway, that is my good news for the moment!

~T 😀

New Year’s Resolutions: 4. Relationships

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 112017

These goals are getting a bit easier in topics now – at least for me. Phew! 😅

2016 presented a number of challenges regarding friendships and tested my introverted nature regarding relationships.

One of the best ways to weed out your friends is to have an expensive wedding 👰🏽😜. All kidding aside, many of our “friends” were proven not to be so by not bothering to show up even when they RSVPd or never RSVPing at all. Some even shared that they couldn’t attend but for reasons that we felt were not good enough to warrant not making an effort to attend our special day when we were supposedly good friends. So that was one way of defining friendships.

I lost two friends this year to drama and overreactions. One is the spouse of the other so by default we are no longer friends. Both of these people I let into my heart and inner circle, which is a big deal for me. Losing them was a painful process and there are times when I still ache for their friendships. However, truth hurts and the truth is that we were probably never really friends. Or at least not friends as I define them.

Once someone described me as like a dog. In other words, I am loyal and committed to those I call friends because there are not many that I let in fully. When I do, it is for life and I will defend them with fierceness – which I did many times for these two. Yet, it was clearly not reciprocated nor valued; therefore, it is best that we are no longer in each other’s lives.

What it has done, unfortunately, is to cause a divide and another weeding out of those who were mutual friends. Much like in a divorce – some people take sides, others distance themselves and others continue on being friends as before.

This experience has also been a bit of a blessing because with the thinning out of friends, or so-called ones, I made room for new ones to enter in.

Also, with my change of work, I have been forced to branch out and make new friends through networking and activities.

Now I have golf friends, AWN friends, walking/running friends, etc. Although these friendships are newly forged, I am excited to build upon them.

As I posted a while ago, I am continuing to find my tribe. So, although in an ideal world I would have my BFF, close friends, new friends and family all in one place, the life of an expat is not conducive to this as a reality. Therefore, thanks to blogging, Facebooking, Skyping and any other form of messaging I can stay up with my friends near and far.

So on to the goals – hard to do quarterly goals so will just list.

*Making sure I see my BFF at least once this year somewhere – fingers crossed for in Japan

*Organizing regular meet ups with friends whom I want to maintain a strong relationship with while we are still here.

*Making sure I see my parents at least once or maybe twice this year.

*Trying again to connect better with my brother.

*Really being selective of my time and energy on people who add to my life and positivity without draining me nor taking advantage of me nor taking me for granted.

So these are my relationships goals as it relates to family and friends. I think I do fairly well with my family aside from my brother so I will try more there. 😍

Tomorrow is 5. Family, so may be a bit shorter. Until then!

~T 😀

On Cruise Control…

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 262016

My car has cruise control and I use it a lot to avoid getting speeding tickets in the city or on the long endless road from Abu Dhabi to Dubai. Even though I use the cruise control, I still try to stay alert to the cars around me as well as where the cameras are or where the speed limit changes. Therefore, despite having the amazing mechanism of ensuring I stay under the limit, I try to never fully turn off my awareness.

My husband’s car does not have a working cruise control system. Not only that, but he tends not to pay attention to where the cameras are nor where speed limits change. He is by no means a bad driver, but he has been known to rack up a hefty speeding ticket amount. If he drives my car, he does a bit better, but without the awareness it does not necessarily help much.

This has made me start to think about parallels in life where we are easily on cruise control, but may not be aware or active enough so that when changes happen we are caught off guard and given a wake up call.

For example, how often do marriages start to fall apart because we each do our part in the marriage: the husband goes off to work to earn a living to support the family; the wife takes care of the house and kids and/or also goes off to work to help support the family; they come home maybe have dinner together, maybe have a brief conversation together and maybe rarely share a kiss, or an “I love you” because they are both tired from cruising through their daily routine. Then, one day one of them wakes up a little, realizing that he or she wants something more but does not know how to approach it. Maybe he or she sees their partner seemingly happy on cruise control, so they have an affair or start to act up or pick fights or whatever it is in order to give some sort of signal that he or she wants to ‘brake out’ of their cruise control routine. Unfortunately, because people rarely talk openly and honestly with one another there is confusion, resentment and most of all fear in the idea of change – even the smallest amount. Then, life begins to fall apart. Looking back, people always wonder when they should have known that life was not going alright for them, but since they were in the false sense of security of cruise control, they generally cannot pinpoint the when.

These past two months have taught me many lessons and no doubt a lot more to come. However, one of the best lessons I have learned so far is the need for open and honest communication with my husband. Sometimes we think we are protecting the other person by not sharing our worries or stresses, but really we are lying to them when we pretend to take care of things ourselves or act as if we are okay with everything. We went through a period of almost daily yelling at each other for one thing or another. The fact was that it was because usually one of us felt too much pressure or alone in our situation. The key is that it is OUR situation – not just his or just mine. There may be some fear that the partner might get upset over what needs to be shared, but through the sharing there is a building of trust and respect that works through the moments of being upset. On the other side is a better understanding, a sense of companionship and a stronger team to get through it all.

So, while we might miss our time on cruise control, it has also been good to drive without it retraining ourselves to be aware of one another and to learn how to prepare for changes that will inevitably happen so that they are mere speed bumps rather than high-priced tickets. 😛

~T 😀

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