Doing and Being – Me

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 102022
 

Last week’s poem was a few days/weeks in the making.

I have been feeling a desire to return to writing poetry as sometimes prose is too wordy and lacks an elegance that poetry has in expressing thoughts or emotions. It has been a while since I have used it as a way of expressing myself, but it finally turned into something. This poem came out of recent conversations and ponderings.

My father has always had a zest for life. My husband carries that same attitude toward it. Pea (our female Beagle puppy) seems to have it, while Monty (her brother) is less cheerful – albeit still very cheerful. I do not have it. I never have. In fact, I barely even understand the concept of it.

Still, aside from one or two moments in my life, I have not considered escaping it by my own means. It is not the case that I even hate it. My life is good. The Universe and God have given me more than others might even imagine possible. Yet, I do not love the act of living.

For as long as I can remember, I have said and felt that if I were to die tomorrow, it would be with relief and satisfaction that at last my time in this world is ended. This is not to say that I actively put my life in danger nor that I have a completely blasΓ© attitude about how I go about living. It is to say that I do not hold on to any particular passion or mission that I feel I must fulfill in order to live fully. In fact, passion and mission are not something I think I have ever had nor desired.

Some people are driven by a passion for a craft, a political stance, a fight, an activity, a sense of changing the world. Some people think it is their mission to achieve some goal of success whether it is money, life changes, global improvements, human advancements and the like. I am not. I do not.

So, why do I get up every morning? Why don’t I just kill myself as my husband once asked me in a frustrated conversation about my laissez-faire attitude toward life?

The truth is that I don’t have an answer. I no longer actively consider what gets me out of bed. I no longer actively desire to know my purpose. When I was younger, I spent a lot of brain power on these questions and contemplated, read, discussed how I should live a purpose-filled life. What I found was that, it doesn’t matter.

All our aims at finding happiness, wanting what others have, trying to change the world, being concerned about the state of society, etc. contribute to a continued cycle of discontent and frustration. I have learned that by finding contentment in myself, my life, my ways – all the areas of my control – I do not need nor desire to be involved in the other thoughts. Call me selfish, if you like, but honestly I don’t care.

I have always felt that we, humans, are too controlled and dependent on others. My belief in the power of humanity is based on the power of individuals realizing their strengths and then working with others respecting each other as individuals to create something better. Unfortunately, this rarely ever happens – but it does, and when it does – WOW. Perhaps, it is those moments that I live for….

In any case, I do not feel that life is meant to be about being happy or having zest for the living. While I hope that I have and give value to others, I am also content to just do and be – me.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

A poem: Life Just Is

 Writing  1 Response »
May 052022
 

Life just is – a wandering of this world
trying to discover what will unfurl.

Life just is – a string of experiences
some good, some bad, some open doors, others fences.

Life just is – a chance to learn
about ourselves, about others, about on what we should concern.

Life just is – but a brief moment
and of what is beyond us, we only have a hint.

Life just is – the here, the now
and each day, I simply try to survive it somehow.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

AAPI, AANHPI, or MH Month?!

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 032022
 

America is viewed as a country that will celebrate anything. A common observance shared with me by non-North Americans is the exuberance of Americans at amusement parks, conferences, sporting events, and our observances of different months, holidays, etc.

Having not lived in the US for some time now, I am not as well-versed in the norms of my adoptive country nor its people. However, running The Universal Asian has forced me to get back into touch with various cultural elements, which includes celebrating/sharing focused content in certain months.

So, May has been declared as Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) awareness month, now also referred to as Asian American, Native Hawaiian and Pacific islander (AANHPI) month or some remove American and use “Awareness” as part of the acronym – Awareness of Asians and…. It’s all very confusing! On top of that, I have seen that May is also “Mental Health” awareness month – so what do we focus on or support?

The truth is that I find it all a bit bizarre and mostly a capitalist mentality. I mean, the Easter bunny came to be so that chocolate companies could benefit, after all. The problem is that with the ‘woke’ and ‘cancel culture’ mentality, one can no longer ignore these trends when trying to survive and thrive in a social media-based/influenced world.

All of it really makes me want to take a step back from anything connected to social media. I really just want to write, then turn off my computer to soak up the sun β˜€οΈ, read a book πŸ“–, and listen to the birds 🐦whittle on in the background.

Last night, M and I had heated discussion about the continuation of The Universal Asian (more on that later), and for a long moment, I decided to shut it down – after sleep, I have since temporarily reconsidered. The thing is that I do not NEED to do it. I do not NEED to make it successful. I do not NEED to care or provide the space. I, personally, do not NEED nor MUST nor WANT to make it my life’s worth or work. I do it because I believe it has value and I believe the space is needed – plus it gives me something to do that focuses externally rather than in my own headspace. However, if another space/organization/group/entity wanted or started a similar space with more success, money, etc. then I would be content.

M retorted with a confused look as to how I do not have passion for something that he thinks is a great concept. I explained that my existence has never been fueled by passion or driving forces. I have ambition and I have motivation to do or create a lot of things from the many ideas that fill my head. I have a good instinct for things that work or do not make sense. However, there is no burning fire in my belly to achieve anything in particular in life. So, if nothing ever comes to fruition from my ideas, I’m totally and completely OK with it. Life, mine and others, will go on – that’s an absolute.

Fact is, if I were to die tomorrow or learn that I was dying, I would welcome it with relief. My father and M have said that they would be pissed off if they were in that position because they feel they still have things to do in this life. I do not. I never have. I have lived and experienced life fully, in my opinion, but I do not treasure it nor want to hold on to it.

It is with this outlook that I do not understand the role of awareness months or focused observances of days like International Pancake Day or Siblings Day, etc. If we want to appreciate something, then just do it – do it every day or do it when the mood strikes. Why do we need to be forced to give credence to a particular day or a particular month? To me, that shows less passion, drive and commitment than those who make it their life’s mission to raise awareness on whatever topic they feel inclined to take on.

Anyway, maybe my passion is in trying to expand the awareness of others to look beyond the trends and so-called norms, to live life so that one can be satisfied if they found out they were dying tomorrow…. πŸ€”

Whatever the case may be, I think I have brought AAPI/AANHPI and MH awareness to you reader now, haven’t it?! 😜

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Physical Purging to Reset

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Apr 282022
 

There’s nothing quite like a physical purge to reset the mind.

**TMI Warning**⚠️

Yesterday I was continuing my inner rage, which I’m sure was reflected in my somewhat negative energy being emitted to others. M decided to fuel the rage with little comments. One in particular sparked a confused response of anger, frustration, and truth – ‘you’re so negative about everything, maybe you need to reflect more on that’! 🀬😳🀯

First of all, telling someone like me that I need to reflect more is never a good place to start as reflection and introspection is like breathing for me. That was the anger. The frustration and truth was in the fact that I have been negative about many things (not quite everything), but I also couldn’t see a way out of it.

So, instead, I raged a little back at him, hid myself away under the excuse of taking a nap and tried to escape the moment.

After I woke up, I decided a bit of alcohol and shisha with CBD would be a good way to ignite my positivity.

Well, it worked for a while until a headache turned into makings of a migraine began to trickle in. It went from a trickle to an invasion of the mind. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom losing control of my movements and my stomach contents – at the same time. (I did warn you!)

It felt reminiscent of the times I’ve had food poisoning and the last time last year when I got really sick purging my stomach then as well. However, the addition of my screaming headache made me realize that I had no control over anything that was happening to me. After two bathroom sessions, I crawled into bed shivering and crying from a complete lack of control over my physical situation. With hands pressed to my eyeballs in hopes of pushing out the pain and a concentrated effort to just breathe while reminding myself that pain is only temporary, my brain finally shut off releasing me into the dark sleep world.

Mercifully, I got to sleep through most of the night thanks to M taking over nighttime puppy duty. Generally, any position changes in my body were met with pain in my stomach or a threat of a visit to the restroom. So, I willed myself to keep sleeping.

By the time the sun rose this morning I felt that the worst had passed.

After gingerly testing out the state of my stomach, I think I am OK now. However, I have realized that the loss of physical control also released the mental cloud that was lingering. Even though it seems that long C19 is holding on, I haven’t felt this light and motivated for a couple of weeks now. So, with fingers crossed🀞🏽, a little prayer πŸ™πŸ½ to the Universe, and renewed sense of purpose πŸ’ͺ🏽, I think that I have possibly climbed up over that last hill back into the light. πŸ’‘

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Making an Effort

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Apr 262022
 

Some days I feel as if the struggle is more real than others. Some days there is no real struggle at all, in fact. However, when climbing up out of a depressive cycle, the struggles can feel like mountains.

On the outside, I think I am fairly well put-together. Even from my partner, I try to hide the tears that occasionally threaten to ooze out of the sides of my eyes (though he usually sees them). On the inside, though, well, it’s a different story.

Despite being a fairly extreme introvert, who can go over a week without noticing that I haven’t left our gates, I know that I need human connection. It’s not simply a matter of interacting with others, but it is feeling seen, heard, and actively responded to by another soul that I crave. Other than M, who does a reasonable job most of the time, I do not have regular meaningful connections with others. My chats with good friends are generally limited to video calls or messages, but that doesn’t quite fill the cup.

So, while I felt my childish inclinations at the surface this past weekend before going out for a social night, I forced myself to make an effort (M really gave me no choice!).

With the help of Jose Cuervo and knowing I had at least one or two backup support in others I knew attending, I “think” I made a new friend with whom I can meet regularly for a coffee and chit-chat. She has her own friends as well in the area, so maybe through some introductions I can get myself out there even more! 🀞🏽

In any case, pandemic life and my own social awkwardness may be heightened these days, but it is time for me to keep my eyes on the sun and keep making the effort to get out there!

Wish me luck!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Bringing Light and Leaving the Dark

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Apr 212022
 

There are few things that trigger my negative psyche these days. Thanks to meditation, reading a lot of books for reflection, and general maturity in life through experiences, I always look inward before letting myself get absorbed by other’s actions or words. Introspection is a daily habit rather than a passing whim for me.

So, when I feel injured by others, I really feel it. It has been a long time since I have let myself invest in a space or be amongst others enough that I could potentially be personally injured, but after months of Zoom sessions, chats online, and what seemed like a good connection, I lowered my wall of protection. Unfortunately, due to money – of all things – wounds that I thought were healed proved to be merely scabbed over and when picked only a little, bled.

Regarding the money, I am responsible and I fully acknowledge it. While I do not have actual control over our finances nor much of a say as to my bank balance these days, I agreed to pay for a service and admit to falling short of that agreement.

However, the problem for me lies in the blurred lines of when service melds into relationships. Was I actually paying for readership of my writing? Was I paying for accountability partners? Was I paying for a support group? These are questions I am still processing answers to as I am not quite sure, or perhaps I am just not ready to accept the answers.

If I had stayed with my wall up and looked at the service as simply a service, I imagine I would not have entered that dark space of my mind so eagerly. However, the loss by being removed abruptly, by being shut out completely, by not having a chance for closure was an unexpected and unprepared for moment because I did let that wall down.

Possibly, if I had not gotten excited over the idea of having writing friends, I would have more thoroughly thought about what I was paying for; therefore, making my protective decisions more carefully. Still, hindsight is 20:20, right?

After wallowing for a couple of weeks, opening the dark space that consequently allowed in C19, and reorganizing my mental processes, I am slowly coming back up out of the abyss with a renewed vision and, admittedly, a reinforcement of protection. This is not to say that I am hardened nor closed off, but rather that I know now that I don’t want any aspect of money to determine the answers to my earlier questions. There is a time and place to pay for certain elements in the writing process – no matter how great or small the sum -, but my values are not respected if I allow myself to be in a place where money is more important than relationships, especially when it comes to writing, especially when there is a common understanding that rejection and abandonment are triggers, especially when compassion and empathy are meant to be at the forefront of the ties that bind.

So, without placing any blame on anyone or in any place other than myself and in my mind, I am pulling up my big girl pants and appreciating the experience and lessons learned as I move forward. My writing will get back on track and I am looking at how to create my own space and support networks that may still involve money, but will value the relationships more so that no one else will be forced to visit those dark recesses of their minds when all they want to do is to bring light through their writing. Stay tuned as the ideas develop!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Puppy Love, C19 and the Psyche

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Apr 192022
 

Two weeks ago, I had this moment of darkness where I could not see any light in my world and I closed my eyes not wanting to see it in others. It has been a while since such dark moments have passed over me, but when old traumas are triggered one can never really know nor be prepared for.

It was in that space I saw myself potentially getting sick. It wasn’t that I wanted to get ill per se, but more that I knew I had opened a window for it to enter into my body and not particularly caring in the moment that I had done so.

The reason for this will come in another post, but for this one, all I can say is that I really only have myself to blame even though I’d like to pass it on to someone or something else. 😜

So, despite a very short visit to the completely opened-up world for London, I came home with the souvenir of C19 which revealed itself within a couple of days. This coincided with a much anticipated visit by my sister-in-law and nephews. Fortunately, they had just recovered from their own round of it the week or so before; therefore, they were able to still come stay. Unfortunately, I was in a less sociable condition than normal, making it rather difficult to do much other than nap outside during the day and stay at home when they went out. Still, it was really nice to see my SIL, whom I haven’t seen since our UAE wedding six years ago and my nephews who were just little seven years ago.

Another bonus to having been home-bound was that I was easily able to to keep an eye on our two new Beagle puppies – Monty & Pea(nut) (they have their own Instagram account now!). They are just two months old now and are the cutest bundles of joy I’ve ever seen. It is going to be a bit of effort for training as they grow, but it’ll be worth it as they create a completely different atmosphere in our home and daily routine.

While I didn’t necessarily need further reason to stay home, I must say that being house-bound has even more attraction than before!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

 Posted by at 20:13

Head in the Clouds

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 072022
 
Florence

Ever since I was young, I have had a fascination with the clouds. Not in the sense that most kids have in trying to create shapes out of the formations and imagining stories as they morph their shapes floating across the sky. Rather, in the sense that there are worlds above them and in them. Depending on their size, scatterings, and density I pondered what God, the Creator, or the other gods were trying to tell us mere mortals.

Once I learned about the Greek gods I would imagine what their world would be like when I was in an airplane and the weather was clear so that in essence we could be flying among them above the clouds. Further, my reading of books about angels fed my imagination to wonder if they were guiding me from my aircraft window seat, or trying to send us messages when I looked up from below. Just as we have the story of God’s promise to mankind from the rainbow, I have always felt that we have messages in the clouds – if we are willing to read, see or hear them.

As a short person, I am used to looking up. When I visit cities, I always find myself nearly running into people because I tend to be walking with my head up in awe of the buildings and the sky above. Before I joined the food photo trend, I used to take tons of pictures of the clouds and how the buildings would look silhouetted in the sky. Occasionally, I still do.

The Eiffel Tower

After spending 18 months away from soaring above the clouds, I was reminded on a recent flight as to why I always choose a window seat. Looking out across a carpet of clouds allows my imagination to see the angels or the gods waving as if we are a boat passing by. I feel I can see them cheering when someone waves back.

From the ground, I love to see two types of cloudy days (don’t mistake this for liking anything but a sunny day). One type is a mostly blue sky spotted with a random fluffy cloud or two that is whisking by. I can imagine the play and racing of the entities above. The other is a dark and stormy kind of cloudy day with light rays shining through providing us the hope of clear days ahead and reminding us that there is beauty even in the dark moments.

So, though I love sunny, cloudless, blue-sky days, I also keep looking up to see if the clouds have something to say or share that will allow my creativity to flow.

In Malta

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

In Hating the Love of Money

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Apr 052022
 

Money is one of those topics that is either an expression of love for it – when one has it – or a hate of it – when one doesn’t have it or has a jealousy of others having it.

It is also one of the major stressors in relationships: marriages, partnerships, consumership, and even friendships.

For the most part, I try to be as upfront about money matters with people as I can to avoid having a “financial elephant in the room”. With honesty as one of my top values, which can only be expressed through communication, I believe that if one is not given the opportunity to at least talk about a topic, then there is no way to move forward.

On the flip side, I also do not think that everyone needs to know everything about one’s financial situation – whether positive or negative.

My husband, on the other hand, likes to talk about money. It is, after all, and always has been, part of his professional world. As a financial advisor, he needed to get people to talk about their financial goals, current financial situation, and everything else around how to invest their money for their future. Now, as a fund manager, he talks about money all day. He is not afraid to share how much he/we make a month nor is he reticent to share how he/we spend it – 99% on our house payments these days due to not easily qualifying for a mortgage.

In contrast, I only talk about money as it pertains to maintaining positive relationships. If I owe people money, I talk about it. If they owe me money, I talk about it. However, I never talk about how much I/ we have or spend.

The other day, we had a discussion about M’s ‘oversharing’ (in my opinion) because he tends to share with perfect strangers. Personally, I don’t think that anyone needs to know how much our payments are nor that we can pay them – barely – nor that this will only last until June and then we won’t be struggling at all. In his mind, he thinks he is sharing the struggle and providing a bit of comic relief around the idea of money. In my mind, everyone’s idea of money struggles varies and so him talking about our enormous house payment as a challenge, which a majority of the world cannot imagine such figures, is a form of bragging. Also, logical follow up includes others knowing that we have a very healthy income.

For me, then, I question whether we have friends because they now know that we have money, or if they actually like us.

Also, since we are currently struggling to make the smallest of payments to others once we make one large payment a month on the house, I do not feel it is proper to underhandedly – whether intentional or not – talk about our money matters so nonchalantly.

Perhaps he finally understands my point as we met some new people this past weekend and he notably did not share specific numbers. Funnily enough, these people would have not been phased by the numbers since they were people who run in high circles, but in any case, I’m appreciative that I did not need to worry about that. πŸ™‚

Anyway, while I hate to love money and love to hate money at times, I know that we are fortunate to have such a very first-world problem to debate on the talk of it!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

F*CK Politeness?!

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Mar 312022
 

I bet you’re wondering where I’m going with this after writing a bit of a ranty post a while back on etiquette?

This pop socket is on my phone and I love what it represents. Yep, let me explain….

I still standby the need for basic etiquette like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. However, I do not standby political correctness nor the bubble-wrapping of words to avoid hurting people’s oversensitive feelings in today’s world. Words like ‘triggered’, ‘cancel culture’, ‘woke’, and ‘toxicity’ are words that I find to be inappropriately applied to avoid owning how we think and feel about the world to the point that now we are no longer allowed to express our true opinions to one another.

M and I were discussing the recent Oscar event and the presumed source of Mr. Smith’s actions. I’m not going to comment on my opinion about it, but we were talking about how M feels that Mrs. Smith seems to have a ‘toxic’ hold over him; thus, causing him to react as he did. I called BS on that.

First, we know absolutely NOTHING about these people in their true forms in real life. We learn snippets from interviews or the persona that they present to the world. I listened to a number of JPS’s Red Table Talk on Facebook Watch. This is ALL I know for sure. Therefore, it is definitely based on speculation on her possible personality that I (and M) make my comments.

With that disclaimer out of the way, I believe that JPS is a private person and is probably an introvert as well. M states that because she is in the public eye, she cannot be either of those things. I wholeheartedly disagree. He further claims that one should always express their opinions; otherwise, silence is consent. Another BS hand raised!

Now, for my side – it is my blog space, after all! 😜

I choose not to argue with others about my disagreement of their opinion – most of the time. This does not mean that I don’t have my own strong opinions. Anyone who has ever actually stopped to listen to me will realize that I have lots of opinions and they are just as strong as one who shares them all the time. However, I do not feel it worth my time nor energy to try to override others who want to make sure that everyone knows their opinion without bothering to stop and listen to an opposing one.

Furthermore, when I do express an opinion and bother to engage in a “discussion”, I expect to be heard. M referred to my idea of this as me giving a monologue rather than discussing. He might be right on that, BUT, I argue that if I am not allowed to give a monologue, then I am not heard. I prefer to write to express myself because the reader must focus on what I have to say and cannot interrupt me! 😁 As someone with a quiet voice, slow to process the words I want to articulate, and not prone to argument for arguments sake, this is a key element to having a “discussion” with me.

Lastly, if I do argue back, it is not meant to be taken as a dismissal of an opposing opinion. Rather, it is an activity in trying to push my theory/belief in full to find the flaws and holes in it so that I can then go back and reprocess, redefine, and refine what I believe based on new information and input. Arguing does not have to result in a fight. Instead, the old art form of debating is how I see my way of dialoging with the world.

So, in doing discussion and opinion forming in my way, I need to maintain the mantra of F*CK Politeness, because being polite suggests that I agree or that I consent to something which may not actually be the case. Still, know that I will always maintain my ‘please’ and ‘thank you’s’!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

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