Creative Meanderings – Page 22 – My ramblings and wanderings through life

Defined by our birthplace or our citizenship?

Feb 142022

When I was young, I used to follow the North 🇰🇵 and South Korea 🇰🇷unification news quite diligently. In fact, I would cut out newspaper clippings 📰 reporting on their relationship and the ongoing hope of the Korean people that they would become one nation again.

One time, my dad asked me what interested me so much about the unification and I remember feeling that it was a weird question. Despite being a naturalized American 🇺🇸 citizen, my motherland is Korea. Therefore, in my mind, I am Korean and so naturally I would/should be interested in the potential reuniting of my birth country. Yet, looking back, I realize it can be considered a rather strange way of thinking given the fact that I have no recollection of being in Korea and my whole world, especially at that time, was white America.

Either in the same conversation or perhaps later, I remember telling my very proud-to-be, military-serving American father that if I had to choose between fighting in a war for America or for Korea, I would choose Korea. The silent response that ensued was more memorable than any verbal response or continuation of the conversation. Again, I wonder at my conviction and gall in making such a bold statement as this. Funnily enough, I think I would still say the same today and yet I cannot rationally explain why.

There has been a bit of conversation and backlash towards Eileen Gu, an American-born half-Chinese, half-American (assuming white) Olympic freestyle skier who chose to ski for China rather than the United States in the Beijing Olympics ⛷ 2022. Some criticisms of her choosing to represent China is that she was born in America and is only half-Chinese, so why would she choose to represent a country where she has never lived and knows very little about outside of her mother and grandmother. One rebuttal to this, in the Korean adoptee community, is that it would the same as any of us adoptees choosing to represent the US rather than Korea, even though we had been born there.

While that rebuttal doesn’t completely work given that we generally identify with being American and know the culture more than our Korean roots, it is an interesting discussion and one that I think somehow parallels my own statement of choosing to fight for Korea over the US.

Why is one’s birthplace used to define us one way or the other?

Is it being disloyal to my family and countrymen by citizenship if I say I would choose to fight against them for a country that I really know nothing about?

What elements contribute to our choices?

I can understand if one answers ‘yes’ to the second question as I struggle myself with that. Perhaps this is also why I do not nor ever really want to live in the US or Korea. I find it much safer and more comfortable to live in a third country where no requirement or question of loyalty must ever be faced as I – and the locals – acknowledge and accept that I am an outsider, foreigner, independent.

So, in the context of Eileen Gu, I have no judgement. I can see both sides of the argument. At the end of the day, I support any decision that is best for the individual. In terms of the Olympics, well, I support athletes doing their best in an international competition no matter where the medal 🏅count applies. 🤷🏽‍♀️

~T 😀

A trip away to Malta

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Feb 102022

Now that we are somewhat settled in our house, and public conversations are starting to return to logic with an acceptance that the “C” is not actually going to kill off the human race, we decided it was time to take a holiday.

It was a shock to realize that I had not been on a plane since arriving in Europe 15 months ago. I never would have imagined that I could go so long without air travel; however, thanks to the freedom of movement in the EU, I haven’t been completely one-country-bound. Plus, I admit to having some fear around flying with security measures tightened, people milling about, wearing masks for extended lengths of time, etc. etc. It is not so much that I had any fear around getting sick, but that people’s fear of it would cause an air of extra stress that I didn’t feel the need to expose myself to unnecessarily.

M had said after a few solo flights that everything was really straightforward and easy, so I figured I could test it out for myself. Malta is a short flight from Rome and part of the EU, so it was a good test trip for seeing the process of air travel at the moment.

As promised, it was easy peasy lemon squeezy. Aside from a few extra online forms, which I can manage comfortably, it was actually smoother and less stressful than pre-C days. The only challenging aspect was the early rise to drive to the airport, park the car, and wait for boarding – both directions. So, my travel bug has been nudged again thanks to our little weekend away.

In any case, let me share in pictures our trip to Malta. We were there for three nights and had one full day touring around with one of M’s old friends, who is Maltese. The sun was shining and there was a lovely vibe all around the place. Although it is a bit run down, we really enjoyed the energy of the country.

We said that we would visit again, but – to be fair – we often say this about places. Next time, we might stay in another area of the island that is a bit more modern, though Valletta is an interesting historical center and beautiful. However, there are so many places to explore now that I cannot say when our next visit will be…. With that said, if you ever have a chance to go to Malta, I highly recommend it – when the sun is shining!

~T 😀

Angels Among Us

Going Mental No Responses »

Feb 042022

My religious beliefs have waxed and waned over the years. Now, I feel as if I have a fairly balanced view and call myself spiritual rather than claiming to be a member of one religious sect. For some, this is a bit of a cop out because they don’t want to necessarily be associated with one seemingly ‘fanatical’ group over another.

In my case, I honestly believe in the realm of spirits and energies over the claim that one entity -unfortunately assigned the pronoun of he/him- controls the human world as we know it. While I cannot give reasonable explanation to the creation of the world, whether or not dinosaurs roamed the earth, or any other cosmic/scientific questioning for physical proof that a God of some sort exists, I can say that I have seen proof of what the Universe and its energies/spirits provide.

Over the years, I have read through the Bible – cover to cover – at least a half a dozen, if not more, times. I have read Buddhist teachings and other spiritually-minded texts. I still aim to eventually finish the Q’ran and other texts just out of interest. For me, these are written by men for mankind, but they do not necessarily speak to the heart and soul. Instead, most are stories and rules to try to control/guide the way of humans who have outsmarted even themselves.

Despite all of my time in and out of churches or reading texts, I have been most fascinated and moved by stories related to angels and spirits. One of my favorite songs growing up was “Angels Among Us” by Alabama. I also voraciously consumed novels about angels warring or spirits watching over us.

Ever since I met him, I have believed that my father is a guardian angel sent to rescue me from all that was evil in my life. Of course, I know he’s a man in flesh and blood. Of course, I know he is fallible. However, I know with all of my heart that both my mom and my dad were sent to adopt me for a reason and that most definitely saved me from going down a very different path in my life.

As I got older, this became even more evident to me.

After not seeing either of my parents for over two years, it is starting to wear on me. Yesterday, we video-chatted and I had a little one-on-one chat with each of them making it even clearer that I need to see them this year. So, plans are in the works!

~T 😀

Protecting My Energetic Space

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jan 312022

It is trendy these days to talk about setting and keeping boundaries, which to many may seem either a luxury or an impossibility. There are some who may even consider it to be utter nonsense.

Before we celebrated navel gazing and the sharing – or oversharing – of our feelings, people just got on with life; and if one came across someone who set strong/firm boundaries, that person was most likely considered to be ‘eccentric’.

Growing up, I always dreamed of reaching the age when I did not have to follow social norms, play nicely with others, or care whether or not someone liked me. To be fair, the latter was always of least concern to me anyway as I had grown a tough exterior early on. When I was in my teens and early 20s, I thought that this age of bliss would be in my 60s or later. However, thanks to the onset of ‘touchy feely’ sharing, I discovered that I would not have to wait so long.

It was probably in my late 30s that I acquired the language around ‘setting boundaries’ and found it was freeing giving me an edge on the trending curve of self-help, self-awareness, and self-care. Although some may have wanted to wrap it all up in being self-ish, I found a sense of peace, order, and calm around the fact that I was being true to myself and my own mental health by knowing who I am, who I want to be, and what I needed to do to make that happen.

True freedom came with the entry into my fourth decade.

While the deep work began years before, the fruition of yoga, meditation, self awareness, and confidence building revealed itself in powerful bursts so that I no longer felt any sense of obligation to ‘fit in’ or maintain social norms just for the sake of it. I suppose this is also more easily done as a transient expat where reinventing oneself has fewer consequences than if I were in a static neighborhood with the same friends, social circles, and the like. So, it was not many years ago that I began to allow myself to read others’ energies and see how they could affect my own.

In the past, the negative effects would be met and processed with frustration, anger, and further negativity. However, over time, I realized that creating a boundary to protect my energy served as a repellant not only for myself, but also those near me. Now, setting boundaries brings to mind creating a force field that protects everything inside of it – recall Star Wars or any sci-fi film/series. By protecting my energetic space, I can be more self-less and provide support, love, and care to others around me rather than being an enabler of negative energy.

Although it is still not an easy task, I do find that when I focus on protecting my energetic space I am better at being supportive to others. Therefore, I will continue to be unapologetic in setting and keeping my boundaries as a way of protecting my energy from being affected by others’ negativity – should they arise. If it makes me appear selfish or even eccentric, then bring it on! 🤪

~T 😀

Audiobooks: January 2022

Literary Escapes No Responses »

Jan 272022

Along with my ‘reading’ books, I usually have an audiobook going for those times when reading is not easily done but I can listen away. The past few years, I had moved more towards podcasts, but for some reason I have returned to the books. So, I thought that I would share what I listened to this month – since I am sure that I won’t finish the current one before the month is over.

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

This was recommended to me by a friend and it sounded like an interesting one. I started it a few weeks ago and was instantly captivated by the story of a neurosurgeon who eventually gets lung cancer that spreads over time even after some promising treatments.

Because I once dreamed of being a neurosurgeon when I was younger, I found it interesting to hear about his path to the field and commitment to his patients. If it hadn’t been for the required number of years of study and a lack of understanding how to listen for one’s calling, I might have enjoyed that field myself. However, as I listened to his cancer journey and then all the ups and downs of the treatments I was glad that I chose a bit happier field of education. 😜

It also made me consider my own mortality and whether or not I would bother with cancer treatment should I ever (hopefully not!) face such a situation.

Anyway, although not a happy story overall, it was a positive one and I would recommend it if this kind of story interests you. 😁

The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks

https://www.amazon.com/Big-Leap-Conquer-Hidden-Level-ebook/dp/B0026772QU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2H3V66X3GR0PS&keywords=big+leap&qid=1643213297&s=digital-text&sprefix=%2Cdigital-text%2C812&sr=1-1

This was a great book to listen to during my road trip to and from France. It is on my reading list for the book coaching course that I am still slowly, but surely, making my way through. I have also seen it on different recommended book lists, so it was a definite one to eventually be read/listened to.

While most of these kinds of books tend to be dry or more advice-y than helpful, this was not that. In fact, the stories were relatable and the suggestions practical. Hendricks challenged general beliefs related to upper limiting and offered reasonable ways to break through the barriers that we create for ourselves. It is useful to everyone and anyone, in my opinion and will likely go on my list of always recommend when it comes to books. 📚 😁

~T 😀

Books: January 2022

Literary Escapes No Responses »

Jan 172022

This weekend, I finished two books that have been ongoing for a while. That puts me at three books done in 2022 already! Woo!

One came to me through the platform and I initially started it out of a sense of obligation to read the books that come through to us. I’m not one to pass up a book anyway! Although it took me a bit to get into, I found myself still wanting to read it because of the work that Henry Zhang has done for the Asian community in the US to protect and empower them against the ridiculous violence that has come out of the C19 saga.

It is long and there is quite a bit of extra detail, but I think it is worth a read. It’s available on the US Kindle Unlimited, if you’re subscribed to that.

Dragons on the Spectrum (Dragons on the Spectrum Saga Book 1) by [Henry Zhang] — https://www.amazon.com/Dragons-Spectrum-Henry-Zhang-ebook/dp/B097TRL3KR

The other one was one given to me by my step-daughter sometime last year – perhaps around my birthday. It was a book I put in my beach bag since paperbacks are often better in the sun than my electronic devices on which I usually read. However, I found that I wasn’t often reading whilst at the beach, so I took it out and put it in the living room for fireside nights or would wander around outside on sunny days with it in hand.

Although it has taken me some months to get through it, it is not a statement of the quality of the story or writing. In fact, it is beautifully written and weaves a realistic yet romantic story of love, race, and finding of self. One reason that it took me some time was in the density of the pages and the depth of the words. I found that I needed to put the book down to digest and then return later.

This is definitely not a book I would have probably chosen on my own to read, but I am very glad that I received it and read it.

Americanah: A novel (Ala Notable Books for Adults) by [Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie] — https://www.amazon.com/Americanah-Ala-Notable-Books-Adults-ebook/dp/B00A9ET4MC/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=americanah&qid=1642411677&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

The third book that I finished last week was a James Patterson book that does not really need comment. I’m a bit behind in his Women’s Murder Club series as I was finding myself liking every other book or so. However, at the end of 2021, I found that I wanted to read some quick entertaining books to mix it up a bit, so I finally read the 19th of 22 so far in the series. I also received the 20th book for Christmas from my bro, so I will be getting to that soon enough.

However, I have already started a new Gregg Olsen one for now. 😉 So many books to read!!

~T 😀

Parallelism & Coping

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jan 122022

This year is the year of writing for me. To achieve my writing goals, I must also take on the task of revisiting my past through memories, paperwork, and quite possibly interactions.

It is always interesting to observe how the Universe works when one opens up to the possibility of whatever may come. Although I have not specifically asked for help with my biological family search, I have always left it to the fates of timing to reveal what I should know, or what direction to go, when deemed ready to do so.

Toward the end of last year, I watched a talk about the role of DNA testing in connecting families. I also saw a film that documented Chinese adoptees searching, and some connecting in what seemed like impossible circumstances to their birth families. So, I began to rethink the wall that I had hit in my own search.

My first step in trying to scale that wall was to finally contact the original adoption agency that was involved in bringing me over from Korea to Oregon. With the help of my first foster mother in Oregon, who had told me years ago to do this, and my mom, I put in my request and waited.

Then, yesterday morning, I had the wonderful opportunity to speak with someone on behalf of the platform. She has become deeply involved in helping overseas Korean adoptees search, advocate, and find biological families, as well as work to recognize the human right of adoptees to know their origins.

As I spoke to her about my own story, she verified a growing acceptance that it sounds as if I was a fill-in for the adoption papers I have. This would explain why the family with my birth mother’s name on my paperwork do not match with my DNA. She offered to look at the Korean paperwork that I have and see if there is any hidden information that didn’t get translated or is lost in it.

Coincidentally, if you believe in it, I also received a reply from Plan International (now Choice Adoptions) to further my request for my paperwork.

So, experience has taught me that when more than one sign is given on the same topic, I should follow it.

In following, I find that the timing of also writing my story into a fictional novel is…well, timely.

As I write, I will need to consider how the story will continue to unfold and if what I write should follow what actually happens despite it being a fictional story. Or, will the act of writing it also create a parallel reality for me? The truth is that my novel is based on my life as an adoptee, but not necessarily IS about my life. Still, I know that I must tread lightly and find balance in the pursuit of my truth and the creation of another.

This space will likely serve as a coping arena as I work through the process of both paths that I am committed to following. Hope you’re looking forward to it as much as I!

~T 😀

Taking the Higher Road

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 102022

One of my favorite quotes and sentiments I love from Michelle Obama is “When they go low, we go high”.

During the still mystifying drama that occurred at the end of last year, I came across this quote on FB and saved it because it hit home in the moment and as part of my personal values that have carried me through life contributing to my own sense of success and peace of mind.

Even into the new year, the pettiness and selfishness of one particular individual is bewildering as no matter how much I replay or re-read what transpired, I cannot see where anything I said or did not say or did or did not do could have justified the vitriolic response I have received nor the entitled behavior that has been exhibited.

Now, I do not expect to be liked by everyone. Nor, do I consider myself perfect in action, words, or behavior. I accept that I am a flawed human being. Still, I respect and honor myself as I am. Likewise, I try to do the same to others. Also, I acknowledge that people are at all different places of mental health, self-reflection/awareness, varied levels of perspectives, and so on. In most cases, I am intrigued by the aspects that make use different as it is an opportunity to learn and to grow.

However, I am still always disappointed and confused when a human being proves to be lacking in compassion, understanding, empathy, professionalism, and even just the inability to walk away completely to start anew or move on.

So, when I was sadly faced with the reality that my optimism in having ended the drama and moved on was premature, I initially let anger and a bit of ego take over my emotions. Then, the universe presented me with this image again and I recalled the Obama quote above.

Therefore, I am choosing to take the high road and let it go. In the end, nothing but more negativity and dark energy will be created – unnecessarily. Instead, I put out there into the universe that one day this person will come to see her ‘d*ckishness’ and pay-kindness-forward to someone else whom she may come across in a similar situation, but roles reversed. I hope in that moment, she will learn the art of taking the high road.

In the meantime, with each negative thought that does still enter my brain I let out a deep cleansing breath to release that dark energy and breathe in light, love, and the eternal pursuit of happiness for all. **Also, this is a promise to not write about her or the drama again as the mental space and time given has been more than sufficient. It is time to move on to bigger and better things for the overall benefit of myself and that which I envision.**

~T 😀

Reflections: Week of Reflections 2

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 062022

If reading my blog posts hasn’t taught you anything else about me, I hope that it has been abundantly clear that I LOVE a plan 💜. Part of my planning process is – appreciating – what has worked and what has not.

Over a two-year-period, I used a bullet journal 📖 style of organizing, tracking, and recording various aspects of my life. In general, I’m a use fan of this method, but it was slightly challenging for me to separate areas as everything was clumped together in one big book. Therefore, this year, I have decided to start fresh with a new journal 📝 only for recording my thoughts or doing my warm-up writing before a full writing session. I also have a separate calendar 🗓 book to hold my to-do lists and track my activities. These combined with my online Google calendar and tasks system should be effective in helping me stay on track each day. So, this is my literal appreciation and planning.

In other areas of appreciation, I touched on them a bit in my previous post. First and foremost is that we have a house 🏡! It truly is the dream house that we manifested together with our list of wishes. Although we now have to focus on paying it off, we know that this is meant to be our home.

Furthermore, my efforts to find, build, and maintain friendships when we moved to France has paid off as I have a small but solid tribe to call my/our own even in a short time. Though they are all based in France, I am so appreciative of their open arms, generosity of spirit, and love of rosé 🍷🥂! I will try to work on finding Italy-based friends as well this year.

Obviously, The Universal Asian has seen great growth and despite a bit of end-of-the-year drama, I am proud of what it is today and excited about what it will become in the upcoming year.

So, these are the main highlights of my appreciation in the last year.

On to my planning for 2022!

As usual, I focused on six areas: health, finances, career/work, relationships, personal growth, and spiritual growth. I’ll just give a quick overview of where I hope to be in these areas by the end of the year.

Health:

Although my weight is not crazy and I eat fairly healthily, there is always room for improvement. Middle-age changes to my metabolism and body shape as well as ability to maintain has been challenging to get a solid hold on. Therefore, I am aiming to drop to my ideal weight of 56kg (currently around 64kg – did I just share that?!). Once I hit it, I hope to maintain it.

Also, I had a goal of being able to do pull ups, which didn’t quite ever come to fruition. However, now that we have a fully functioning gym in the house, I am going to work on training to be able to do pull ups!

Since I think that a six-pack is not likely to ever happen and I actually don’t think it looks that good on a middle-aged woman, I am aiming for a toned four-pack by the time my bikini body is exposed (around April/May). With a bit of weight loss around the middle and concentrated exercises, I think this is feasible.

Finally, my goal is to help support M in his own weight loss and fitness journey with healthy eating and regular fasting – which will likely coincide with my regular writing retreats. 😆

Finances:

Without giving too much public information regarding our finances, I just want to say that the focus this year is to be 100% debt-free. Given the improved conditions of our finances from just a year ago, I firmly believe this is possible and will strive to ensure that we can happily report that all our income is ours by the end of the year. **This is easier said than done as my other half hates paying bills…** 🤪

Career/Work:

As I no longer really “work” or have a formal career, all of these goals relate to building up The Universal Asian. I’d like to get to the point that we are generating at least $5K 💵 per month to cover current costs and increase other budgets. It really doesn’t seem like much, but it is a slow process as we need to increase our engagement numbers through social media and the site itself. I’m also hoping to increase our team members and writers/contributors. So, again, nothing impossible, just need to stay focused on the prize 🏆!

Relationships:

This is somewhat COVID pending as the world of travel as we once knew it seems to be gone. However, I want to, at least, see my parents and family sometime this year. It may not be until the end of the year, but that is a priority for sure.

Also, I’ve already put a new time limit on my social media apps from 2hrs to 1hr and my goal is to get to 30mins per day. No more than that! Whenever I feel the urge to pick up my phone or iPad to mindlessly scroll, I am going to try to make myself read instead. This way I can also meet my goal of reading more. 🤓

Finally, I sort of gave up on trying to stay connected with old friends last year and perhaps before as I felt that it was too one-way. However, for the people of whom I think on a regular basis, I will aim to make more of an effort to be the first to reach out to them every so often rather than wait as there is no gain in a one-sided battle of wills. 😛

Personal Growth:

This is my year of writing. Everything related to my personal growth goals this year are connected to what I want to achieve in my writing with the help of my writing tribe – Adoptee Writer’s Experience (AWE) led by Ann Peck.

Therefore, I have already scheduled in my weekly writing dates at a cafe ☕️💻 in Orvieto. Also, I have let M know and scheduled regular writing retreats every six weeks or so. This means I will book a hotel in Rome or somewhere else to escape distractions that might take me away from writing. The cost of this will be less than a short writing retreat and gives my introverted nature a break from social interactions as well. 😅

With all of this, my goal is to submit two short stories to pre-determined submissions and have a draft of my first novel by November. 🙏🏽🤞🏽

Spiritual Growth:

This area went up and down over the past year as I taught a few yoga classes and then didn’t, but managed to maintain my own practice regularly so that it is rare for a day to go by that I don’t do yoga.

Still, I have realized that I am missing the massive benefits that daily meditation brings me. I pushed it aside a bit, but am now trying to reprogram it in each day. I’ve started with pre-sleep meditation and eventually want to put back in a morning sit as well.

Furthermore, I am hoping to read at least seven “spiritual”/philosophy/self-help books:

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi – I’ve already started this as an audiobook
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield – Already on my bookshelf waiting to be opened
Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
Yoga of the Subtle Body by Tias Little
Bhagavad Gita by Eknath Easwaran
The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
Letters from a Stoic by Seneca

These are not in any specific order and when I say ‘read’, I also mean audiobooks as I tend to absorb nonfiction better aurally.

So, there you have it. My – planning – for 2022 is written in the end of my bullet journal book to round off the book and the year; and now it is here as a sort of accountability space.

Here we go!!! 💪🏽

~T 😀

Reflections: Week of Reflections 1

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jan 032022

Click here to see my post on FB showing a video of pics as part of the One Second A Day that represent moments of the past year.

Since holiday decorations 🎄are considered to be acceptable until the 7th of January, I am borrowing that acceptance when it comes to reflecting and planning for the upcoming year. 😝

Our Christmas decorations actually came down on the 1st due to our live tree 🌲dropping needles and our guests packing up to return to their home in France. It just felt like the right time to pack it all away after a very warm and successful celebration in our new home. 🏠

Still, due to visitors, I did not quite have my usual period of reflecting 🧐, acknowledging 🤗, appreciating 🙏🏽 and planning 🤔. Thus, I am using this first week to do these activities as I’m also still on ‘holiday mode’ for TUA – though there is always some background work going on.

The first part – reflecting – can be seen in viewing my one-second-a-day video where I did my best to take pictures each day of something that we were doing or even not doing. There are a lot of cat photos where I probably just showed appreciation for the sweetness that is in a sleeping kitty.

Overall, it was a wonderful year. We really did a lot when we look back on all our activity. Obviously, moving to Italy and moving in to our dream house are the highlights, but the friendships we forged and the experiences we had are not to be forgotten nor undervalued in looking back and – acknowledging – the year gone by.

Furthermore, I have much to appreciate and plan for the new year (next post). So, though we had some last minute bumps as we closed out the old year, I look back on 2021 as one of sunshine ☀️ and smiles 😁!

~T 😀

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