Creative Meanderings – Page 27 – My ramblings and wanderings through life

Pause, Reset

Apr 082021

As I cannot breathe through my nose, thanks to allergies, it is even easier to hear me exhale loudly and fully release the dark energies that can easily enter my body and mind.

I’m not a shy person, and I have no aversion to speaking my mind. However, what I have realized (again) is that it doesn’t always serve a meaningful purpose to open my mouth or do anything other than smile and listen.

Since I have arrived in France, and we have settled in with our friends, I have found myself getting caught up in their personal lives. Some are more dramatic than others. Some are more negative than others. Some are more “normal” than others. No matter the situation, the reality is that I do not need to spend time or energy on judging or speculating on their lives. Obviously, if I were asked to be involved, that would be a different kind of conversation, but that is not what I speak of in this case.

I am reminded of Mrs. Rachel Lynde from one of my all-time favorite stories, Anne of Green Gables, who was constantly all up in other people’s business whether or not anyone wanted her to be. While outwardly everyone dislikes her character, we know that she represents a side of every one of us – unless we choose to deny the admittance of this truth. Still, I find that the constancy of being involved in that which is not ours to be so is exhausting and rather depressing, if I’m honest. The frustrating aspect of Mrs. Lynde is that she never stops to consider that perhaps her nose is too regularly plugged up to realize that her breath is never full and so the exhale is never truly cleansing of the dark energies that can fill the body and mind.

Thankfully, I am not that character. Being able to recognize that certain behaviors and thought patterns are not beneficial is a gift that I cherish and am thankful to have been given awareness of. Still, it is easy to get caught up in the whirl of chaos that gets spun.

It is often a point of ponder as to how people manage to maintain an even keel when so much of the world is a swirling dirt cloud like Pig-Pen. It’s easier to see how we can get sucked into the vortex of despair and dismay when social media perpetuates like-mindedness without an off-button, or opportunity, to change the lens filter to realize that there are differing (and acceptable) points of views that are just as legitimate and logical as those we may think, for the moment, are the right ones.

I recently re-listened to the audiobook version of The Hill We Climb by Amanda Gorman. Like most of the world, I am in awe of her words and presence. She feels like a gift and that whiff of air that forces us to breathe deeply because we want to take in more of the scent of hope and inspiration that she has put out into the universe.

This is the kind of inhalation I want to have that breaks past the blockages of my nose so that the light and hope can enter my body and mind. I’m more than happy to push pause on the words that I may be unnecessarily spewing out and reset so that the energy shades I release are ones that further spread the light, joy, and hope into the world in which I am blessed to exist in.

~T 😀

Feverishly Sprung

Going Mental 1 Response »

Mar 122021

So, the last time I wrote was nearly a month ago; or rather about three weeks already…. My great intentions of writing more for myself have gotten sucked up into magazine work as we are building it up in different ways, work to pay for the magazine, and getting settled into the actual reason that we decided to move to southern France in the first place – the sun and fun!

First, an update: I was denied my application to the silent meditation retreat. I suppose that there are quite a few applicants built up from a year of COVID and numerous other factors. Perhaps it is a sign that it’s not the right time now, or even ever. We shall see. I could apply for the next one, but as our place of residence has become a point of discussion, I think that the saying that “all things work out for a reason” is true in this case.

As for other things going on:

Work has been work – not really busy per se, but enough to pay the bills that need paying.
The Universal Asian – is growing and expanding into paid online events in collaboration with others in the TUA community, but this means a lot of backend work on my part with the much appreciated help of a small handful of people (whom I do pay).
Socializing – By magic, luck, etc. I have met a wonderful group of ladies that have formulated our social circle. Every weekend is basically spent one someone’s for a meal, drinks, and the men play petanque / boule aka “old man game”. During the week, I’ve been meeting the ladies at least once a week. Before, it was lunch or a chat, but this week we started a yoga class. So, for the first time in about three years, I’m back at the front of the mats and it felt great.
Enjoying Spring! – At last, the weather is starting to shift. Flowers are in bloom, people are out on Market Days, the sun is shining and warm most days; in other words, allergy season has arrived! 😛

So, all is well overall. While I feel somewhat stressed on the inside, from the outside I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Therefore, this means that I just need to breathe, pause, smell the flowers (before I sneeze), and enjoy the moments as they are…. for now, anyway! 😀

~T 😀

Silence is Golden?

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Feb 232021

So, I did it. I submitted an application for a ten-day silent meditation retreat in response to my need and near insanity from being stuck in a small cottage where the walls and doors are more like paper.

My introverted self is suffering a bit from the constant sound of my husband’s voice as he works and uses a lot of ‘words’ throughout the day. Even if I put on headphones, I still have to turn on sound to drown out his chatter, which defeats the need for silence and calm.

Thus, I have my fingers crossed that I will be accepted for this retreat even though it is in May.

Most people think this sounds crazy and people I have spoken to about it say that it is a challenging experience. I am wondering how it will be for me as a lover of quiet and being inside my head. My challenge will be in not being able to write or read when I want an escape from my thoughts or the world. However, I think not having so much distraction around me might not create reason for the escape.

Anyway, stay tuned for when I find out. In the meantime, I am practicing each morning in trying to build up my meditation time as I generally only give 10-20 minutes in the morning after my yoga. If I find out that I am going, then I will start building up my practice even more.

For now, though, it’s proving to be enough to enjoy a few golden moments of silence at the dawn of each new day.

~T 😀

Midnight Musings

Going Mental No Responses »

Feb 092021

It’s the middle of the night.

Despite going to bed at my usual time around 9 pm, and shortly falling asleep well before 10 to settle in for my evening slumber, I awoke briefly around 10:30 upon hearing my husband on the phone.

It’s not uncommon these days for him to stay up a bit later, or to rise early, for a phone call as his work connects him with people on various time zones.

However, nearly an hour later, the bed was still empty. So, I called him to bed in hopes of being able to nestle in for my desired sleep….

Yet, here I am at nearly 1:30 am, while my husband snores away, after attempting for the past two hours to lull myself to sleep through social media surfing and reading, taking in the quiet of the dark night.

Lately, I have been craving silence, and to some extent solitude. The 10-day silent meditation retreat I keep on my ‘to do eventually’ list is becoming less fearful as a daunting experience, and more attractive as a salve to a self-inflicted wound.

There is little to nothing to complain about where we are. I mean, how can one be truly discontent surrounded by vineyards in “mostly” sunny southern France?

It’s not a matter of contentment, but more of a need for nourishment like the soil craving the rainfall after a drought. As an introvert, being constantly bombarded with sound and another’s presence – even when it is the one I dearly love – is draining and overwhelming. Add on to that the daily activities of work and building a media platform.

I need peace and quiet. I need calm and tranquility. I need stability and sanity. I need to recharge, refresh, and replenish my internal fuel cells – alone.

All of these needs are hard to meet in a small, barely two-bedroom cottage where the stone walls are paper thin when a daily bundle of energy storms around filling the air and space until it is almost suffocating that the only escape is often, to escape.

Sometimes it feels like there is not enough air to breathe for two when it is supposed to be shared. Lately, I feel a bit as if I am gasping and grasping into an unknown dark abyss and just barely floating through based solely on trust and faith.

Like all things, this too shall pass. Like all things, the dark of night exacerbates the speckled holes of a sunlit life. Like all things, there is a silver lining.

Perhaps, I should embrace the quiet of the night and make the most of the wee hours to myself. If I cannot find my peace and calm during the day, maybe I can change my own pattern and expectations – until something else presents itself as another option. Maybe, my body and mind are telling me something and I shouldn’t fight the opportunity that is before me….

And, possibly, I should look into that retreat…. 😛

~T 😀

Outlook is Everything!

Going Mental No Responses »

Feb 032021

My best laid intentions of writing regularly were thwarted slightly as chaos will always win over even the most orderly of situations. There’s no way to avoid a tornado, you just have to wait for it to pass then pick up the pieces left in its wake.

Some might lament at the lack of fairness this presents, or the seemingly pointless effort of trying to maintain order. However, I choose to focus on what I am able to endure and act upon to minimize the stress, and sometimes pain.

M has admitted that he’s getting fed up with the COVID-19 life. More people are becoming unsettled with how things are, especially if forced to live in close quarters when not used to it. As he moaned, all of his sentences were some form of “I was meant to be ~” or “We were going to ~”. He rolled his eyes at my response that he should be “in the moment” more and not focus so much on the improbable could or should have situations.

For me, honestly, I’m still very content. Well, at least 95% so.

If I want to find things to complain about I surely can fill a post about that, but the truth is that with what I have control over and can do on a day-to-day basis, I am content.

Being an introvert helps, but more than that, learning to appreciate the moment has been the key to making the most of each day. Sure, I wish I could travel or go do this and that. I miss my family terribly, but I have no control over the global situation. I only have control over how I face each day and what I do to ensure I make each one count fully.

The thing about being discontent and lamenting about the state of an unchangeable situation is that the negative energy brings others done as well. When M yells or stresses about life and refuses to adjust the aspects that the does have control over, it adds to my own stress. When we complain about our lives to others, we send a wave of energy that lowers theirs even when unintended.

Obviously, I’m not saying we should hold in our frustrations and not share with others when we need to let out feelings whether positive or negative. I’m just reminding us – myself as much as others – that how we respond to our lives and the world has an impact on others both on an individual level, but also on a larger scale. This is how trends and movements work. The energy forces shift until the tipping point falls one way or the other.

So, for what I do have control over, I want the energy that I put out to be as positive as possible. I want to always be raising standards and pushing us all to be the best that we can be because everything and anything is possible – we just have to have the right outlook.

~ T 😀

Ups and Downs Check-in

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 222021

It has been ages since I have written about my ‘ups and downs’ as I think that they have been much less extreme since the “new norm” involved being at home more than out.

If there ever was a doubt that I am an introvert, I think that the past nine months have wiped away any inkling of that as truth.

So, there really haven’t been any ‘downs’ lately. It’s not that I don’t fight the urge some days to sleep all day or spend a day on the couch, but thanks to a new environment and plenty to keep me busy I have been able to channel any darker energies into something productive.

More than the ‘downs’, I notice my ‘ups’ more because they are slightly extreme in that the amount that I get done in a day seems a bit outrageous. Being a list-lover, I can easily see how much I do and even shock myself – no brag.

Still, being around someone who is naturally high energy, or really ADHD, I tend not to think of my ‘ups’ as all that abnormal. However, there are times when I start to feel a bit exhausted or my sleep gets interrupted that I realize that it might be time to slow down a bit more.

Thanks to meditation and exercise, I know how to handle myself, but it’s important for me to check-in and regulate. Thus, all is well, but will note if there is a ‘down’ on the way any time soon or not. 😛

~T 😀

He’s 50!

General, Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad 1 Response »

Jan 182021

We had a number of different variation of how my “old man” would ring in the new decade at half a century years old. However, none of those came to fruition thanks to the changes in COVID-19 (shame it was 20, huh?).

Even as it was, we were technically in violation of lockdown rules when we snuck over the border to get to Monaco.

More images on Instagram @footnersinfrance

Since it was a big birthday, we splashed out to tick off one of M’s bucket list items – to stay in the Hotel de Paris Monte Carlo.

Hotel de Paris Monte Carlo behind on the right with the Monte Carlo Casino on the left

It was a lovely area to walk around and enjoy the festive spirit of Christmas as well as a birthday.

I’ll let the rest be told in images:

Christmas tree in foyer of Hotel de Paris

We are hoping to make another visit, as it’s about 2.5 hours from where we are now, when the weather is nicer. Though, the budget will be smaller, so perhaps a little less fancy. 😛

~T 😀

Halfway through January!

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 152021

Well, well, well, where did the past two months go?

In general, not that much has been happening due to lockdown, curfews, and quite a bit of working from home; when I say working…I mostly mean working on The Universal Asian.

So, to briefly catch up, here is a brief outline of what we have been doing:

freelance work
building content for magazine / zoom calls / increasing business aspect
exploring different areas to narrow down where we want to buy
socializing with new friends who are making any thoughts of leaving the area rather difficult 😉
celebrated Matt’s birthday in Monaco (pictures to come in a separate post)
celebrated our 5th anniversary
spent a quiet Christmas and New Year’s together
trying to stay warm in the promised “always sunny southern France” despite rain, snow, and below zero temperatures
starting the new year busy, but very happy!

So, that’s just a quick overview….

I’ll try to post a bit more frequently as I rebuild in my writing activities into my daily schedule. 😀

More to come ~

~T 😀

Hoping for the Best!

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Nov 242020

We are in the middle of the fourth week of lockdown 2.0 in France 🇫🇷. Tomorrow, there will be another update from the President (Macron), who is rumored to announce an extension of the period with some exceptions. Some have even suggested that the current state will be enforced until the new year.

While our day-to-day lives, especially during the week, have little to no change since we can go out for groceries or drives without any interference (thus far), there is a bit of claustrophobia felt on the weekends and in those moments when we consider escaping our computers for a while.

Mostly, though, it’s the lack of knowing what we can “get away with”. I imagine those who never consider challenging the ‘rules’ are bothered by this conundrum. Rather, their issues might be not being able to do anything even though this would not actually be true. We can do quite a lot depending on where we are. In our area, there seems to be little enforcement of staying at home or concern with people like us going for long drives on the backroads.

Since we are boundary-pushers, we find frustration in the fact that we do not know if we could actually make it to the beach or another town where we want to explore for our future home. We are kept away by not wanting to risk the initial fine of €175 (or thereabouts 💶) since we don’t know if it would be both of us that gets fined, and it’d be a waste of money 💸. On the other hand, we do not know anyone who has been fined, nor have we heard of many who have even been stopped. Still, I’m not willing to spend money on something like that even though we might ‘waste’ money on other things.

So, it is with fingers-crossed 🤞🏽that we hope that tomorrow’s news will be positive in that we can at least explore a bit even if it means we cannot enjoy cafe culture or restaurants for a bit longer. We shall see! 🙏🏽

~T 😀

Days of Drifting

Going Mental No Responses »

Nov 172020

You know those days when it seems that no matter what you do, or how perfectly set up you are, you are just not going to get any work done? Today was one of those days.

Nothing has gone wrong, but two trips to the car rental agency to try to trade to an automatic and a husband who thrives on chaos which is highly strung today, seems to be just the way things are aligned for the day.

Luckily, my required work got done early, so if I don’t get my other work done it will not be the end of the world; and I can find solace in the fact that I am inspired to write instead. There’s always a silver lining if we just leave ourselves open to being shown it.

Another version of myself would be sitting in frustration looking for somewhere to place blame while fretting about best laid plans and waylaid courses. However, this version of me just smiles and shakes her head at the naivety of still believing I have any control or say over how my day is to go – even with my continued love (and dependence) on routine and schedules.

So, I’m going with my inspiration and the mood fighting a rather strong desire to plop down on the couch, turn on some crime TV and let my mind drift into oblivion.

A friend of mine encouragingly reminded me to not write for others or work in creative spaces for anyone other than myself. Much truth lies in these words. Yet, there is also a part of me that struggles with that idea as I have, to be honest, spent most of my life for myself.

But, as I was doing some studying/learning today, I came across a question to ask writers: Why do you want to tell THIS story?

The heart of any writing I do is buried in a desire to help others. When I was eight, I felt alone and strange in the world I had ended up in. It was just being adopted or having a unique international then domestic experience. It was that I became aware of a consciousness that was not the same as those around me whether my own age or older.

So, somehow I knew that my view of the world needed to be shared because surely I could not be alone in the way that I see it. It’s taken me years to find my voice or to have the confidence (thank god for aging) to speak out and to let myself be heard. It’s still a process, but my voice is becoming stronger and louder.

Thus, on days like today when I thought my usual routine would be what makes me feel satisfied at the end of it yet takes me a different direction, I am happy to follow where it goes into a zone – twilight or dawn. 😉

~T 😀

Older Entries Newer Entries