Creative Meanderings

It’s been almost six months since I wrote the first post about my adoption journey. The idea back then was that I would write more regularly about my experience as I try to make time to write my dream novel. Maybe one of these days I’ll find enough discipline and motivation to actually do that. For now, I guess it’s enough that I have spatterings of posts related to the topic.

Anyway, I digress. It’s probably prudent that I explain my previous post and perhaps someone doing a search for Tara Alisha Kolthoff will find this post.

Despite the very different birthdate of the posting (July 27, 1975 has never been my birthday as far as my paperwork goes), the rest of the details of the search for Tara Alisha Kolthoff is me. How did I find it, you might asking yourself?

Well, I was at work, bored. Something from a previous conversation got me thinking about finding my birthmother who is somewhere in the great old US of A. So, I began doing a search for immigration and naturalization records. Nothing was coming up, so I thought I would do a random search for myself since I know all of my details. I didn’t find anything, but this random posting from my second adoptive mother.

I was blown away.

So, of course, when I briefly opened my eyes this morning after four hours of sleep, my mind went into hyperdrive and was a lost cause after I tried to return to sleep for two hours to no avail. Thus, I gave in and did some investigating….

From a little bit of investigation, it seems that the posting was perhaps made back in 1999, which is rather interesting. The phone number she left doesn’t seem to be hers anymore since I put it into the whitepages/people search and it comes up as someone else’s number. I did call it, though and got sent to voicemail. I left a message and so, I guess we shall see what comes of that.

Anyway, the ‘stalker’ in me, then did a search for Joshua Kolthoff. I remember him quite fondly, though he was just about one or two years old when I last saw him…. I found someone on Facebook who could be him, but am not sure. Sent him a message too. From my searching, it seems that the history of that family is complicated, but hard to know for sure just from random and spotty information on the Internet. 🙂

The biggest complication about all of this are my feelings about the whole thing.

Adoptive mother #2 = Mother from hell, Psycho Bitch Lady or The Monster of my nightmares.

Of all the people from my past and all the bad that happened to me, she was the worst. Of all the horrible memories that I have, my time with this family was the most traumatic and damaging to my psyche. I cannot write all the awful, malicious and spiteful things that were done to me here (that’s what the novel is for!). So, although I’ve generally gotten past the hurt and much of the trauma, I am still quite angry deep inside. I hold a lot of bitterness towards this woman. Thus, I wonder why she would try to find me. Is she wanting to apologize for the shit she put me through? If so, why should I give her the satisfaction of soothing her conscience? Or is she really just wondering what happened to me without knowing the effect she’s had on me?

While I am, obviously, willing to listen to her. To talk to her. To let her know about my life. This is also a mysterious period of my life that could be made clearer through a conversation. I could find out more about why I was moved from my first family; how I came to her family; what she was told to make her believe that I was the devil’s spawn; and whatever else she can tell me. Therefore, I guess contact can be beneficial to each of us for our own reasons….

So…I guess I’m on this path to find out more of my past…. What’s also interesting is that I wrote bits of my novel about this sort of thing happening….

Next steps…? This weekend I will write another email to the Social Welfare Society in Korea to get an update about finding my birthmother and then perhaps make plans for a visit to Korea in the summer…

As much as I appreciate the sentiment behind these words, they still require me to hold back anger and to clam up in sharing more about me as an adoptee.

First of all, to say I’m lucky because my birth family gave me up or because I finally found a loving home is a bit superficial. I would say that it was good luck that I was adopted by my family because for me no other family would have done. We were lucky to be put into each other’s lives since our circumstances were what they were.

However, my family didn’t really chose me. I didn’t really chose them. It’s not like we’re God’s chosen people to inherit the land – us adoptees – either we didn’t have a choice, didn’t know/feel we had a choice, or feared a different choice. That’s what brought us to our adoptive families and made us stay. If we had one or had known or didn’t fear, then we might have made different ones.

Of course, I’m not taking for granted my adoptive family’s love and our bond. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But, for those who don’t really understand what it’s like, please, I beg you, don’t tell us we’re lucky we were chosen as if God is promising us paradise.