Bipolar – Page 3 – Creative Meanderings

Being on my own…

Sep 132013

Does being on my own cause my bipolar tendencies to act up?

This question came to my mind today as I contemplated my sort of manic feelings of needing to accomplish a lot. Here’s what I did today:

*Slept in (9.30) for me…
*Search for a number of TV shows to download and began the downloads
*Met a friend for lunch
*Went grocery shopping, shopped at Daiso and bought two pairs of new shoes (shoes were generally unneeded, but kind of needed for work…or so I say…. ;))
*Marked almost 40 paragraphs whilst talking with my BFF and surfing the Internet
*Organized our freezers and cupboards a little bit
*Made homemade peanut butter whilst sauteing shrimp (for the first time ever) to put into my salads for lunch during the week

Makes two full jars13-Sep-2013 19:29, Apple iPad mini, 2.4, 3.3mm, 0.067 sec, ISO 250

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Big batch of peanut butter13-Sep-2013 19:26, Apple iPad mini, 2.4, 3.3mm, 0.042 sec, ISO 250

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First time cooking (sautéing) shrimp13-Sep-2013 19:25, Apple iPad mini, 2.4, 3.3mm, 0.042 sec, ISO 80

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*Heated up leftover chili and watched a TV show
*Faffed around more on the computer and am now writing this post

When I write it out all like this, I realize this is WAY more than I normally do in a regular day when I am not on my own. Since I realize that I have also been having down spells, I am wondering if my ups and downs are coming about more due to my sense of solitude…. I will need to watch myself and be careful. There is indeed much to be done, but probably not to this degree…? Maybe? 😉

-T 😀

Eleven Days In….

Going Mental No Responses »

May 142013

Time for a wee update on the drugs. Do I call them drugs or medication or is it the same? Hm…

So, as you can see I still am pondering things at a weird depth, but the change is happening in that I am not really worrying about things so much. In fact, I feel almost confused not having things swirling around in my head so much that I think it is contributing to my state of tired. My mind is not sure what to do when there aren’t a million thoughts going around and around, so then it thinks I should be sleeping. 😉

In any case, I do feel as if the Cipralex has kicked in pretty well. I do not dwell on negative thoughts hardly at all these days as I did before. I am definitely not as annoyed by other people as I have been or normally would be, which is a definite plus. My body is still physically tense, which R says will take some time to adjust because I am used to carrying the physical tension that goes with the mental stress. However, once I accept the decrease of mental stress, my body should relax and let go of the physical aspect, so that is something to look forward to.

Overall, I feel pretty good and ‘happy’ish these days. I am making progress with the literature review, so that is also helping matters. It’s still a long road ahead and I may not meet my summer deadline, but at least I am giving it a go unlike before where I was just procrastinating. 😛

For now, I’m just enjoying the ’emptiness’ of my mind….

-T 😀

Last Dosage Increase…

Going Mental No Responses »

May 032013

Phew the week is finally over. One more major item on my list of things to get done and then I may relax a bit more.

Last night I started on the 20mg of Cipralex. This will mark the start of the 4th week and so I should be noticing more the effects. I asked R if he noticed any difference and he said maybe, but probably I’ll feel it more with the 20mg and by the end of this week. So, I suppose that the good thing is that there haven’t been any major side effects and it is possible that I calmer, but not sure.

A cousin of a friend of mine apparently took his own life the other day. He was adopted, talented and suffered an injury along with the news of his parents splitting up. It seemed too much for him at 21-years-old and so, although not confirmed, it seems he decided it was too much for him. My friend said that he felt mostly sad that his cousin had felt no hope at all in life to try continuing because he feels as if there is always something to hope for, but I was not sure that I agreed.

Although my dark thoughts have lessened, they are not gone. In fact, I know that I am still in a dark place as all I imagine doing any more is reading for pleasure or sleeping. Even though I am making more progress on my literature review, I believe it is because I am allowing myself to indulge in more pleasure reading and sleep. However, while before I would get up and exercise, do housework and busily get settled for the day, now I sleep as long as I can, treat myself to a few pages of my book before I have to get ready. The other activities have fallen by the wayside. This may just be a phase, as many things are, and I am not really worrying about it much, it is something to consider.

There are still moments when I wonder why I am taking the meds, or working towards a better career. What is the hope that I am using to keep going? To what end? For what benefit? These are the questions that I try not to dwell upon now, but when there are no answers, it does feel somewhat hopeless….

In any case, on a brighter note – the week long grey skies and rain seem to have let up today. The sky is blue and the sun is out! That is definitely something to smile about.

-T 😀

Cipralexing Day 4 @15mg

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Apr 292013

Thought it was time to do an update on the cipralex since I have not really focused on it lately.

I was sitting waiting for my pizza to be finished at work and realized that I definitely am not thinking about a trillion different things at once. Rather now it’s like hundreds – which is, believe or not, an improvement. I felt a little bit nauseous last night after I took the pill, so it is possible that some side effects are hitting me with the higher dosage, but in general I seem okay.

To be honest, I cannot say for sure that it has kicked in completely yet or not. I will have to get an outside opinion regarding my behavior as I think I haven’t necessarily felt less stressed from the meds, rather work has lightened up a little bit this week for me. So…perhaps the real test is whether or not I can get my head into my studies over the next 7 weeks and 3 days…!

Anyway, that’s the update for now. 😀

-T

Cipralexing Day 3 @10mg

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 222013

Surprisingly, I still feel fewer effects of the Cipralex with the higher dosage. It is good to not have the haziness, but I am not sure if it also means that I am calmer or if I am not as affected. I wanted to try staying at the 10mg for a while, but have to sort of see how we go with this dosage. It’s only been 3 days and a total of 8 or 9, so it is still early yet.

Anyway, this week has been strangely busy. I am hoping that it is not a lasting trend and just for the week. Part of it is an increase in work demands for the next two weeks and then maybe after that things will remain calm again. In the meantime, I gotta get my arse in gear with my literature review….Strange how I can be very consistent with my blog writing when it comes to needing to write my lit review…coincidence? Methinks not! It’s a good distraction. 😉

With that said, it is time to relax for the day and get ready for tomorrow!

-T 😀

Cipralexing Day 2 @10mg

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 212013

Strangely, I feel less hazy on the higher dosage. Maybe by this afternoon that will change as I notice I do get a little bit more tired. In any case, no side effects that I can see so far and I think I am calmer, but can’t say for sure. I will just have to be more watchful.

Anyway, this weekend passed so quickly. I feel as if I still need another couple of days to rest at my own pace. Friday was good for that, but then yesterday got me a bit wound up again. So, hopefully that won’t stick.

This morning, I got up and used the treadmill again for the first time in a while. I’m thinking I may do a mix of the walking/running followed by a quick swim since the weather is rapidly heating up. I need to get myself back in shape at the very least before summer. That way I can feast while at home! Haha.

‘Tis all for now…

-T 😀

Cipralexing Day 4 @5mg

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 162013

Day 4 was the best day since I have been back from my trip. I think I am mostly recovered from the food poisoning and the three hour nap the day before along with an early sleep helped with the tiredness. So, it seems I am adjusting.

My head still gets hazy moments, mostly in the afternoons, so am hoping that is just a phase or I guess I will get used to it. I decided to do two more days on 5mg just to allow more time for my body to adjust. Not like there’s a rush in the timeline.

(Lost the rest of my post somehow…can’t remember what I wrote…oh well….)

-T

Cipralexing Day 3 @5mg

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Apr 152013

This morning I woke up at 4:30 and could never really go back to sleep until I finally had to get up around 5:30 for work.

Clearly, I am still stressing out about things as that is the general reason why I end up awake or can’t sleep through the nights.

However, either because of the lack of sleep or being hormonal and/or the cipralex, I was in a daze most of the day. It was clearly apparent when I hadn’t heated up the coffee enough and forgot to put some dressing on the salad I took for lunch, plus the general state of being hazy and tired. Luckily, I only had to teach one class today and was able to spend the rest of the day inside my office.

We came home early (it is an early day after all) and I took a 3-hour nap, which has definitely helped improve my mood. Yet, now I feel that haziness returning. I think it’s the cipralex as the only other times I have felt this way is when on other meds like allergy medication or from pure exhaustion. Although I could still be quite tired, I’m gonna go with door number one as the possible reason for my dazed and confused state.

On the other hand, I do sort of feel as if my brain is slowing down a bit. At least I don’t totally jump from activity or thought to another as much – today at least -, so maybe that is good. Still, I should be writing my chapter at this moment, but instead I am posting here. Hahaha 😀

Well, that’s today’s update. I will probably have to wait until the weekend to get to the Turkey post updates as I am trying to get a bit of work done on the chapter before I chat with my supervisor on Friday…eeek!

-T 😀

Cipralexing Day 2 @5mg

Going Mental No Responses »

Apr 142013

Well, another day has passed and I feel okay still. My stomach is still not quite right from the food poisoning and a friend of mine has suggested that I may also have a common bacteria in my stomach. So, I am going to make an appointment to see a doctor about it.

As for the meds, I think all is good for now. I have two more days at 5mg and then will go up to 10. I found the source of my sleepiness, I think, so it seems they are not the cause of that. Still, they might affect my overall sleep….

So, that’s today’s update.

-T 😀

Dark Thoughts…

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 222013

Me and vodka do not really go well together. Whenever I have vodka drinks I end up feeling very very dark.

With my already dark tendencies, especially of late (as you may notice in my posts), I get really hopeless about this life.

Anyway, I have really been unhappy with everything and everyone lately. One of the reasons that I want to go home this summer is to be someplace that I feel safe and surrounded by people I think love me unconditionally. I am even considering looking for jobs in the States because I just don’t feel like this is working for me here. Perhaps this feeling will pass, but right now, it’s how I am feeling.

The truth is that I do not believe that my absence from this world would be all that horrible. I know some would be upset, but their lives would continue on just fine. Since I do not have children and am not married, I do not really have much attachment to what I do in this world. Nothing really brings me great joy except eating… 🙂 I feel as if I just get by day-to-day.

R said it is the bipolar in me talking. Maybe he’s right. He suggested again that maybe I should reconsider medication. Maybe he’s right.

The problem is that it still doesn’t answer my question of “What’s the point? To what end do I live and do what I do in this life?”

So…I don’t know… I have to wait until May before my next appointment with my therapist as she’s on holiday. She said I could call her and she would come in, but I feel bad about that and who am I to interrupt her break? Don’t I live for my holidays?

Well, this is a bit depressing of a post, but writing helps me and maybe someone will read this and understand without thinking I’m crazy or telling me to just get my misery over with… 😛

-T 😀

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