It has been a long journey the past six to eight months. In some ways I wonder where the time went and who that person was living my life during this time. Now that I am on the way back to being me, but a renewed me, I realize just how much I needed to go through this phase and am grateful that it wasn’t a longer episode.
Lemme ‘splain….
Sometime late last year I felt myself falling into a depression that began to take a physical toll on me. I was regularly experiencing feelings of despair and if left alone too long, I would have panic attacks that left me in shambles. I wasn’t happy with anything and only the support of a few people kept me going.
By the end of December, I decided to take the step to seek therapy and consider taking anti-depressants to get me back on track.
Despite trying a couple of different medications, I felt myself constantly frustrated with the fog that seemed to have taken over my mind. I couldn’t concentrate on anything for very long and I really didn’t seem any happier/relaxed than I had been before. I was like a zombified version of the depressed me. The only thing that was helpful were the sleeping pills to help me get rest at night as I wasn’t sleeping well and felt exhausted all the time.
Along with the meds, I began to regularly visit with a psychiatrist. The first one was quite supportive and wonderful, but sadly she left the country just around the time where I wasn’t sure about the medications or the counseling…. However, I had committed to at least three months of consistent therapy to try to beat this state I was in and so I agreed to continue with another psychiatrist whom she recommended to me. I am soooo glad I did. Dr I is so great for me and I think I have come a long way with her in a relatively short time.
On my own, I did decide it was time to go off the meds a couple of months ago. They were just not working for me and I really need to be focused and productive to find happiness in myself. As I started this process, the news of Catherine Zeta-Jones came out.
When I was younger, I was convinced that I am bipolar, but I never could fully believe it as I do not have manic highs even though I have the same lows. So, when news came out about another type and lesser-known bipolar disorder, I began to realize that I just might have been right in my self-diagnosis.
Working with my therapist, I have begun to see that my highs might not be manic or cause an extreme in a negative sense, but I constant on-the-go and productivity can be considered the highs that I don’t think I am having since it seems like such a positive thing. So, I am working on building habits that try to balance out my need to be overly productive with ‘chill’ time each day so that I stay on top of what might cause me to hit the lows and consider how to adjust my behavior to either keep the lows from being overwhelming or prevent them altogether.
So…it feels great to be back to me. I am getting more done.Β I am seeing my friends again. I am re-establishing my independence and with a new sense of confidence than I had before. It’s been quite a journey thus far and it is far from over, but it feels great to be more aware of myself and to understand better the sources of the feelings and emotions that I have spent years learning to suppress and control out of fear of what they may mean or bring to my life. I am old enough now or in the right mental place to start to deal with my past and move forward as the woman that I am meant to be. π
This long post is the beginning of my re-awakening and more posts to come!
Until next time,
-T
