Ups and Downs Check-in

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 222021
 

It has been ages since I have written about my ‘ups and downs’ as I think that they have been much less extreme since the “new norm” involved being at home more than out.

If there ever was a doubt that I am an introvert, I think that the past nine months have wiped away any inkling of that as truth.

So, there really haven’t been any ‘downs’ lately. It’s not that I don’t fight the urge some days to sleep all day or spend a day on the couch, but thanks to a new environment and plenty to keep me busy I have been able to channel any darker energies into something productive.

More than the ‘downs’, I notice my ‘ups’ more because they are slightly extreme in that the amount that I get done in a day seems a bit outrageous. Being a list-lover, I can easily see how much I do and even shock myself – no brag.

Still, being around someone who is naturally high energy, or really ADHD, I tend not to think of my ‘ups’ as all that abnormal. However, there are times when I start to feel a bit exhausted or my sleep gets interrupted that I realize that it might be time to slow down a bit more.

Thanks to meditation and exercise, I know how to handle myself, but it’s important for me to check-in and regulate. Thus, all is well, but will note if there is a ‘down’ on the way any time soon or not. 😛

~T 😀

In Recovery

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jan 222020
 

It may sound weak and pathetic, but just over two weeks after returning from winter holidays, I am just finally starting to feel like myself again.

It seems that my tolerance for being busy, social, and the like has greatly decreased so that it is taking me longer to recoup. For the past couple of weeks, I have been having to force myself into the real world again.

My introverted voice reminds me that it is just that my batteries 🔋 ran on low 🧟‍♀️ for too long so it is now requiring a bit more time to get them charged back up to full 👸🏽. On a normal week or schedule they never run much lower than 50%, so it’s merely a matter of using my working from home days to return to full capacity.

Unfortunately, last week required me to teach 👩🏽‍🏫 three consecutive full eight hour days with only a short lunch break to refresh. So, the weekend was not quite enough to get me back on track.

Another major and important factor is my gym 💪🏽 time. While many may have other outlets to charge themselves up, I find that spending time at the gym lifting weights 🏋🏽‍♀️, doing yoga 🧘🏽‍♀️, and working on my C25K program🏃🏽‍♀️is as effective as being at home on my own. The added benefit is that I feel physically healthy as well. So, this week, I have been able to return to my regular gym visits. 👏🏽

By the end of the week, I imagine that January will have sorted itself out for me – just in time for the second month of the year to start already! 🤦🏽‍♀️

~T 😀

Golden Joinery

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 172020
 

There is a Japanese art form called kintsugi or kintsukuroi, which is used to repair broken pottery using a metal (gold or silver generally) to repair the broken item.

When we fall in love or start a new relationship, whether friendly or romantic, we look at the connection as perfect and untouched. Like we do with decorative plates, we try the best we can to protect the original purity of the shape, quality, and value.

However, since we are not able to put our relationships into a safety box, after the ‘honeymoon period’ levels off, normal wear and tear starts to dim down the initial brightness.

Every time we fight with someone a little crack is made in that perfect plate. Even without knowing it, the cracks can continue to spread into a myriad of microscopic lines like a snowflake. Relationships often end because those little cracks go untreated which can weaken the integrity to the point that the plate completely shatters into millions of pieces with no possibility of being put back together again.

Before getting to this point, there are obviously various ways to prevent a total breakdown.

There is a Japanese philosophy called wabi-sabi, which is to appreciate flaws or imperfections due to the natural wear of life. They also follow the idea that change, imperfection, and even fractures are inevitable aspects of living.

These are reasonable philosophies to take on in many ways. To add to them, I also like to consider that if we apply melted gold or silver to the cracks, it not only makes the piece complete again, but also adds value to the original. It may not be the same as when new, but the mended version may be even stronger and more beautiful.

Relationships of all kind take effort. We have to regularly take the piece off a shelf to dust, inspect for any unsuspecting cracks or chips, and appreciate the beauty that it brings to our lives. All too often, we forget to put in the effort and take for granted that it will always be there safe on a shelf.

Whenever I fight with someone, I feel a little like (not to be too dramatic) a piece of me dies. It’s as if a tiny hole has been poked like the inverse of a black screen that allows in a stream of light, but a spot of darkness enters instead. I believe that it is these dark spots that turn into cancer if not addressed completely to plug up the holes with beautiful gold or silver.

Being the kind of person who struggles to express positive emotions it is a good reminder for me to keep gold on hand when I might inadvertently cause a crack or even a hole to open while maintaining a balance in wabi-sabi.

The Walls We Build

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 082020
 

I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse that the world has become more open to reflection, self-awareness, and mental health.

It’s interesting to listen to younger people dismiss the current talk of mental health in the same way that the older generations ignored it. At the root is the common belief that we can fix ourselves or that it’s something for others – who are weak; who are lacking in some way – never for us.

This is the very way of thinking that brought us to where we are now in the conversation and why those of my generation are drawing so much attention to the topic. And yet, it seems unique to the 20-somethings to respond with feigned annoyance to the seemingly over-emphasis on mental health that frequents advertisements, podcasts, and other social media platforms.

Over the past few months, I have found myself silent and slowly becoming opaque. In groups, I chose not to talk much. In writing, I chose to avoid.

With these main avenues of expression blocked due to my own fear, frustration, and futility I created a dam that inevitably would burst at some unknown and unexpected point of time.

And it did.

My poor unsuspecting husband received the trauma of my explosion. At the time, I could not pinpoint the source of the mighty geyser bursting through my tears and crazy tantrum. With a rawness from the emotion, I could not process sensibly where or why a small poke became grounds for defcon five.

Yet, as I reflect in the still tender parts of my heart and mind, I begin to unknot the threads that have unraveled in my sanity.

There is no specific starting point, but rather various bumps and pushes that build up like the tectonic plates of the earth that if rubbed too much in the wrong way result in a massive earthquake.

Because I chose to build up walls preventing any release of these feelings and emotions, believing they weren’t that important or that no one would really care, I created a preventable “disaster”.

Although, on one hand, I can justify the outburst with various rationales, finger-pointing, and the like, I’d rather reflect and understand so that a repeat offense is avoided.

While I am proud to be able to say, generally, that I know myself quite well, I am also more than aware of the sad reality that I can completely forget who I am; just as if I have had no previous knowledge or wisdom in the self-awareness category.

For example, sometimes as in introvert, I try to pretend that I’m not. I buy into the voices that tell me I don’t really need ‘me-time’ or that I am fine being amongst others 24/7. Or, I allow myself to struggle with the fact that I’m an adult and can take time out for myself if I want to, but fall into an unwarranted sense of pressure to not be ‘anti-social’. Yet, every time I listen to these voices or forget who I really I am, there is a downward spiral.

Eventually, I hit bottom, and like a grenade, can wound anyone around me from the shrapnel that flies with the explosive landing. Then, I have to climb my way back to even ground by rebuilding the scaffolds I destroyed on the way down, but are necessary to support my existence in the ‘balanced’ world.

To many, it is boring and horribly predictable to be so-called balanced. In every day terms, this means going to bed around the same time, getting up around the same time, eating a healthy diet, avoiding toxins whether liquid or human, etc. As many who know me are aware, I achieve this by setting alarms for these regular activities. I also plan, organize, make lists, etc. That’s not to say I don’t plan for spontaneity! 😛

For those who enjoy a more “chaotic” way of life, (and I imagine are extroverts) this may seem like a ridiculous way to live. Yet, for me, it is comforting. When I step out of the soft boundaries I have created, the unstable waves of the never-ending ocean begin to make me dizzy. If I pretend to be fine or ignore the symptoms, I eventually end up sick and tired (literally – I fall asleep when motion sick). Like when sick, I lose my voice and ability to stand to be seen.

Therefore, my mental health and sanity depend on reflecting and being self-aware. I think it’s important to share and know that we are not alone in how we feel or make our way through the world we live. While our experiences may be unique, we are never truly alone (much to an introvert’s dismay! 😉 )

My takeaway is, that no matter how much I might try to protect myself by building walls for whatever reason, in the end no one really benefits. Thus, with that, I am releasing my voice and bringing myself back into color and focus!

Watch out! 😛

~T 😀

Great Things Ahead

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 052020
 

I am determined to make this the year of writing (among other things), so watch this space as I’ll be posting more regularly.

True, I’ve posted this before, but 2020 is the year with my big goals to make some changes regarding work and finances – more about these to come.

So, this is just an introductory post of what is to come.

Over the next week I’ll be settling back into reality after a long winter holiday vacation in Australia, but plenty to come soon!

~T 😀

Responsibility

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 162019
 

A conversation with a friend has stayed with me when she once asked her father why he didn’t force her to learn Spanish even though it was her parents’ mother tongue. She shared her father’s response as: he was too busy trying to make a living and needing English to care for the family that it was up to her to learn the language or not. 

Along the same vein, I have often wondered about people who play the ‘victim’ card or blame their parents for one thing or another having gone wrong in their lives. At what age or point in life do we take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts, and results in our lives?

In my early childhood there were a lot of people I could blame. I also could have ended up a completely different person had circumstances been different or had I stayed in one family or another. Yet, not once did it occur to me to think that it was anyone’s fault. Or, if anyone was to blame, I often blamed myself wondering what I had done wrong or what was wrong with me as a person.

When I was eight, I developed a “personal relationship with Jesus”, as born-again Christians like to put it. Over time, I have revised the wording, but I have faith in a greater power that I call a combination of God the Father and the Universe. Some time in my teens as I was attending church and doing a lot of Bible studying, I developed a belief that I was undoubtedly the foot or the ass in the body of Christ. Every part of the body has a purpose, but some get the full weight of being sat or stomped upon more than other parts. It was really the only way I could put rhyme or reason to why I had faced my early life challenges before I had even had a chance to be a bad person.

Then, for a period of time, I sadly had accepted that perhaps God just didn’t like me. I think ‘hate’ might have been the term I used as I cried in the truck while talking to my dad about being depressed and generally unhappy in life. It was a darker teenage-angst period of life and conversations between me and my parents swirled around this idea.

My dad and I always had our most meaningful chats while on the road. He seemed to like driving around and I liked just hanging out with him. He always could make me laugh – he still does – with silly comments/jokes or he’d challenge me to think in a different way with his sometimes annoying questions of ‘Why do you think ~?’. On this occasion, I blurted out my frustration in believing that God hated me.

Not being much of a religious man and not sure of his own beliefs, my father replied with ‘I don’t know if there’s a God. I do believe there is a higher power or greater being or whatever you want to call it. I think things just happen to people. It’s our job to figure out the reason and to deal with it the best way we can, but it’s definitely not a matter of being hated.’ or something to this effect. They were the wisest words that I had heard and almost as if God the Father were speaking to me directly through my earthly one.

It was then that I learned the essence of being responsible for my own actions, thoughts, words, and way of life, even though I didn’t yet know Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. Or, the other self-help type words that are trending or commonly used in yoga, wellness, and psychology today.

My father’s words, reinforced by what I’ve learned throughout life via experiences, reading, and others I meet, taught me that I am the only one I am responsible to and for.

We take joint responsibility for loved ones, partners, etc., but we are not solely responsible for another’s happiness or satisfaction in life. It is up to that person to make their own choices. Learn Spanish if you want to learn it. Take trips if you want to travel. Go out and meet people if you want more friends. Experience everything if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. Set your goals and take the steps you need to achieve them – whatever they may be.

If we fail at life or our goals according to our own standards, then we only have ourselves to blame. At the same time, if we feel overwhelmed by the goals we have set, it is within our power to adjust them so that they can be achieved. There’s no need to try to find someone else to blame.

So, as I take my steps forward this year towards reaching the goals I have set before me, I look to myself (and partially to my husband, family, and friends 😛 ) to be responsible for my success or failure.

~T 😀

What’s Your Sign?

 Going Mental, Writing  No Responses »
Jan 142019
 

Cancerian Red Dragon. Oh, and I’m an INTJ.

You may not be a believer of horoscopes or zodiac characters or the Myers-Briggs personality types. You may be one to say that every horoscope or description of a ‘type’ can fit just about anyone. Or, you may just not like being typecast to fit into one stereotype.

The reality is that whether we like it or not, we do fit into certain sets of characteristics. Joseph Campbell is famous for creating archetype characters in his _The Hero with a Thousand Faces_ based on heroes from myths around the world. Many authors use this as a foundation for their literary heroes and antagonists.

We are humans and humans are such because we share common characteristics. This is not to say that we belong in boxes or an encouragement/promotion of stereotyping individuals. I do not condone or agree with such behavior, especially when it results in negativity and ignorant actions.

What I’m saying is that as far as a category of characteristics go, I’m an INTJ Cancerian Red Dragon!

The above probably sounds as if I am writing in circles, but let me go deeper.

As everyday normal human beings on this planet, we struggle to find the balance between being unique and fitting in.

In the west, we learn that we should be independent, free-thinkers, and forge our own destinies. In the east, we learn that we should be in harmony with others in a collective movement that stems back to tribal existences. Yet, in our global society, it is a daunting and overwhelming mental exercise to figure out what is the ‘best’ way to go about living our lives.

It has long been discussed that perhaps the ‘exotic’ Eastern ways are more in tune with our true selves. If we consider the poignant role of social media, the need to find our ‘tribes’, hashtags to unite us, etc., then perhaps there is some truth to the fact that a collective way of life is the more natural and preferred way for a healthy and balanced existence – not to say that we, as a global society, are anywhere near achieving this.

Since I was eight-years-old, I knew that my life was ‘different’. Aside from the obvious fact that I was an international adoptee who clearly did not look like her family, I had a less traditional path to get to the eventual settling of my life into a ‘normal’ childhood. When I acknowledged that I was finally living what most considered to be the norm, I realized that perhaps there were others out there like me, who did not know that they weren’t alone on the paths that were before them. Therefore, I decided I wanted to write. I began journaling to remember what I knew I easily forgot and to take note of what was seemingly the mundane actions of my day to days.

As time passed, I veered away from this dream of writing for others and sharing my life with those who may be like me or those who were so extremely different from me that my life may seem unbelievable. However, now that middle-age is settling in and the sense of not giving a ‘fart’ about others’ opinions is dominant, I return to making this dream a reality.

My sense of wanting to fit in is no longer an issue. The chip on my shoulder that I carry about being unlike others has gotten smaller – not gone, but less burdensome to myself. 😛

Still, as a friend of mine wrote to me recently about the struggle to find good friends, it is a challenge to find like-minded individuals or just people who are not so completely consumed in themselves or their lives to share a bond with. Those I have found mean more to me than I am able to express (though I should probably try harder!).

So, I return to defining myself in the horoscopes, zodiacs, and Myers-Briggs. If you read this, or this, then you might see what I mean. Or, you might not.

For me, at least it is a kind of crutch I can use to understand myself a bit better. It helps me to rationalize why perhaps I do actually think differently than most and I’m totally ok with that fact, even perhaps proud of it. It helps me to have confidence in my life choices and experiences. Mostly, it helps me to realize that there is perhaps a real place for my writing and a perfect timing for it to become a lifetime reality to share it with the world.

This is all to say, stay tuned for more regular posts – for real in 2019 – and a promise that within this year, I will either be self-publishing or looking to publish a couple of books about life from my eyes as The Universal Asian (coming soon!).

~T 😀

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