life’s lessons – Page 3 – Creative Meanderings

Dichotomies of Youth

Aug 142021

It’s true that I have a critical view of the world and people. I probably should have trained to become a judge as I hold individuals, including myself, to a high moral standard. Also, I am a constant observer, analyst, and commentator on human behavior. Often, this comes out as harsh, arrogant, and not very empathetic or compassionate comments to those who are privy to my personal thoughts.

For the past month we have been staying with friends with an occasional trade-off of watching their daughters. Even when our friends are home, we still spend quite a bit of time with the girls. One (P) has just turned 10 and the other (C) recently turned 12 – going on 40.

While I generally enjoy children, I have never been able to cope with certain behaviors – no matter what age.

With C, I basically have no issue as we have a similar temperament and her being a middle-aged pre-teen is relatable for me. Of course, like any human, she has moments of irritation and clear lack of life experience. I AM empathetic, compassionate, and kind with her expressions of thought, whether with undesired attitude or not. Overall, she has a reflective and harmless way. Plus, she’s a fellow Cancer sign and intuit.

On the other hand, P pushes all my wrong buttons despite moments of cuteness and acceptable sauciness. Obviously, she’s only ten. However, she already has a mastery of selfishness, smugness, and laziness that I cannot wrap my head around as my core values do not align. Her aura is one of frustration for me, because while I believe she will be able to outgrow these less attractive ways, I worry that her early awareness of manipulation and deception will twist her path in becoming an upright human; though, I maintain optimism that I will be totally surprised at being wrong about her.

In another of M’s strangely dismissive comments about me, to me, he retorted that I judge no one as a “good parent” all the while not ever having had my own children.

It’s generally easy to throw this comment at someone who is childless as there is no comeback for them. It is also an excellent way to shut down a discussion or analysis of the human condition. Usually, I take it as a way of evading any potential negative criticism that might be directed at the one closing the door of rhetoric.

For me, I freely admit that I don’t know what it is like to raise children and struggle to guide beings into becoming functional adults within my personal life. However, as an educator and researcher in the development of people, I feel that I have both an academic and tangential knowledge of what young people need. The more important aspect is that I view these youth without an emotional or biased attachment that comes with having one’s own offspring.

So, while my husband can be flippant with his comments, he forgets that I am actually educated in helping children grow, as a classroom tends to be as important for creating adults who contribute to the success of society as does the home. One could even argue that it is more so.

Further to his comment, I am not particularly judging others’ parenting skills as I am fully aware that life is complicated and it’s a challenge to balance survival with child rearing. I am in awe of people who choose to bring another life into this world and attempt not to ‘f’ them up. I never felt able to take on such a heavy responsibility as it took me years to sort myself out. So, I have zero regrets for not having my own mini-me’s, but a thousand respects for those who do.

Basically, I find it interesting/curious to see how two beings can come from the same parents and be so different. I often ponder out loud how to curb what I deem to be more worrisome characteristics in a young person so that it does not become a challenge for them or their parents later in life. Ultimately, though, everyone does their best – for the most part. Nature is a very strong feature that no matter how much nurturing is given cannot always be tamed.

Either way, I’ve been learning about myself and M even more through the shared kid-duty responsibilities and enjoying getting to know these young people (and their parents) even more. I look forward to seeing how they change over the coming years.

Happy 45th!

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jun 272021

With the average lifespan of a woman being about 81.1 years according to 2020 stats, I’m more than halfway through my walk on earth. However, I consider myself good to at least 90 or so; therefore, I shall call this year mid-life.

There’s no crisis in thought like there was around my 40th when M mentioned that I had another 40 years to go. The past five years have given me perspective with the last two or so really providing me the ability to appreciate my life so far.

Someone told me recently that I must feel so wise and experienced compared to others after I had given her a brief on how I’ve spent my adult life so far and the choices, either made for me or by me, that led me to where I am today. I replied that it is not a hierarchy or about comparing. We are all handed a certain deck and it’s all about how we play them, which can be somewhat based on luck of circumstances as well as how we create our own realities.

For me, I’m certain I was born with my stubborn streak. My baby “resting bitch face” pretty much makes that clear.

My “luck” was that I was provided with influences early on in life that weren’t what one would consider to be the most positive, so my stubborn streak guided me toward being “good”. After all, I have been told my Korean name “Sun Hui” means “good girl”. However, the truth is that I could have just as easily gone the other way had I not been naturally inclined to contrariness.

In any case, I sit today in pure contentment with my life. As I write, there is a soft breeze blowing in the perfectly tempered sunny afternoon of southern France. I spent the day by the pool in the company of my love at the easy pace of zero expectation. After a week full of activity and birthday celebrations that started early due to plans that remain fluid, as always, it has been an amazing day of quiet .

The thing is, upon reflection, it has not been an easy journey to get to this place of peace and calm (and continues to be a daily balancing act). While I am very grateful for the ability to lead the life we lead, I do not underestimate or devalue my own participation in creating the lifestyle of my dreams.

It hasn’t been all sunshine and champagne .

When I hear others talk about the things they want in life or envy the life I have, but are in the next breath unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or persist in the activities and mindset required to make their hopes and dreams a reality, I am dismayed and disappointed. We are all fully capable of creating the kind of world we want to live in. It is easy to complain or give excuses or blame others for the reasons why we aren’t living the life that we want, but an honest look at ourselves will probably reveal the unwanted truth of our own responsibility, fear, and laziness in why we are discontent. We need to own that truth and decide what we want to do about it.

One thing I have never fully been able to understand is the mentality that many I have come across in my life hold of the world owing us something. Sometimes, that ‘world’ is attributed to parents or friends or people of our past. Although we are beholden to others when we are children, as adults all of that responsibility becomes our own. Dwelling in the what-ifs or finger-pointing is a complete cop-out to me. Every one of us (in the fairly privileged first and second worlds at least) have the ability to change our lives.

If we want to have more money, then we have two choices – change our jobs or work more jobs. If we want to have more free time, then we have two choices – accept having less money or make more money to provide the ability to work less. Whatever it is we want, there are basically two choices – do something about it so that we can have it or accept that we don’t/can’t have it.

No one else is responsible for those choices or wants. Once we have our basic needs met, everything else is on us.

This is how I have led my life.

I didn’t want to stay in Oregon after finishing university because I realized there was a whole world out there I knew nothing about. I hated Japan when I visited, but my options at the time were to go back to Japan or stay in Oregon. I didn’t want to continue being married to the man I had committed to after realizing that he wasn’t going to be husband I deserved. I hated the thought of divorce, but I hated the thought of living life being miserable even more. I didn’t want to become an English language educator because I had imagined a different career. However, I wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to spend more than a couple of years training or working my way up to be able to travel and see the world as I have. I didn’t necessarily want to get married again because a legal document does not make a committed relationship. Yet, upon finding the person I could see myself growing old happily with, I preferred to compromise than be alone or in less contented relationships in the future.

Life could easily have been different. It is not hard to justify an argument that I entered life with a rough start. It would have been easy enough to blame my birth mother, my temporary families that abused and traumatized me, my seemingly unlucky start to life. I could have taken a different road and view of the world. However, thanks to my stubbornness and a bit of lucky elements I have survived and worked very hard for this 45th birthday of contentment.

Europe Phase II

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Apr 272021

Six months ago, we landed in France planning to rent for a few months and then finding a place to put down roots long-term.

As life continues to remind me, most things rarely go as planned…. First, there is COVID with lockdowns and difficulties in being able to explore areas. Then, there is a lack of knowing exactly what we want. More importantly, there is the Footner element that requires fluidity and flexibility in any type of planning.

It doesn’t mean that there isn’t eventually follow-through, it just means that the timing and commitment to a decision may not happen as one (I) might prefer/desire/hope/dream!

Therefore, for various reasons, we leave on Sunday for what I’m now calling Phase II of our European settlement adventure.

Where are we going?

We will be heading to a small town in the province of Umbria, Italy.

Why are we going there?

Well, the short answer is because we paid a good chunk of cash to ensure that we can get visas. Although, by some weird twist of fate, M has already gotten his French visa, I have yet to hear anything regarding mine. My “free” 90-days stay has long passed, which causes me a bit of strife even though I do have a registration number and can be here as a former EU citizen’s spouse. However, the complications of Brexit, etc. make me less comfortable with those mere threads of bureaucratic legitimacy, so off to Italy we go where I already have an agreement for a residency visa there for at least the next five years – renewable.

What does that mean exactly?

It means that we have to have a ‘residence’ in Italy to legitimize the visa and all other paperwork and status comes through Italy instead of France, as we had originally planned. Thus, we need to head to Italy for a month or so to get the paperwork done and to move forward with our settling in Europe. We have a place rented, though we may find a larger space as our aim is to have a “winter” home there as well as an address to send our stuff that is still in Japan. There are worse things to plan, I’m sure!

I have made M promise that we are coming back to this area of France as my new friends are here and I don’t want to just disappear. Though, he has put some typically “Footner” twists into the Phase III plans, but since those could change by the time I finish this post, I won’t bother to put it down into print just yet.

So, Europe Phase I has been lovely and definitely worth the Japan departure six months ago. My French is coming along fairly well, though I have started an online class to improve my speaking and listening. I figured it was a good time to do so since I’ll be away from any chance of being exposed to it while in Italy and I don’t plan to learn more than a few words in Italian so as not to get too comfortable!

2020: Pausing to Breathe

Going Mental 1 Response »

Sep 072020

It is becoming popular to say “2020” sucks because of COVID-19. It is becoming acceptable to complain and then blame it on the year that so many claim has not happened nor looks like it will before 2021 arrives.

I am curious to know if there is a common introverted vs extroverted response to the evolution of this year, or if optimists react differently than pessimists.

As a realist, here is my take.

The abnormality of this year has been like hitting the pause button on a movie. As someone who actually gets overwhelmed by all the motion and noise of the world, this pause has been like going figuratively out into the woods to take a long deep breath of fresh, clean, pure air.

So, when I hear all the moaning of the noisy minority I think I feel a kind of personal affront to who I am because to be perfectly honest, this has been an amazing year for me. I will be remember 2020 as the year that the world stopped long enough for some of us to take a long deep breath.

In a way, we have seen a division in personalities.

There are those who have told me that all the negative realities of the world are overwhelming them mentally and physically that they are struggling to face the days. There are those who have told me that they feel trapped by the lack of travel or free movement. There are those who have told me that they are bored with their lives because they cannot “do” anything.

My response to those who are overwhelmed by the negative realities because they tend to spend the majority of their time on social media or watching mass media feeding their brains with all the negativity: turn off the noise!

My response to those who are feel trapped: exercise, plan an amazing trip for next time and save up all the money you can now so that when the freedom is returned you don’t look back and wonder why you didn’t prepare for travel and moving again. Be proactive and prepare!

My response to those who are bored: get over yourself and DO something for others. So many restaurants, organizations, programs are struggling. Look them up and offer to DO something or donate if you’re one of the lucky few who has the income to do so. There are a million things to DO in a day that there is really no excuse for this statement.

Now, before my reader says, but: Do you follow your own responses? I preemptively respond with a YEP. And, though it may mean I have to toot my own horn, here is what I have been doing that addresses these perspectives.

1. I have screen time set to turn off every day from 7pm to 5am and it’s off all day on Sundays with the exception of one or two apps that I might use or that I use with my family in case something comes up. I also look at social media twice a day for a max of about 30 minutes or I look for the sole purpose of the magazine to get more followers or contributors. None of it is allowed to be processed too deeply on a regular basis. I do not watch or read the news, so most information comes via word of mouth or an occasional headline that I might see.

2. I admit that this is a little unfair in that we are preparing to move countries and so I have this to look forward to sooner than most. However, as someone who is used to traveling every few months, it has been a challenge. Instead, I have focused on building up our savings account and ensuring that we have a fund to splurge out – plus that fund is allowing us to not stress over the big move.

3. Aside from starting the magazine, I have donated to a homeless organization, used smile.amazon.com to support a ‘charity’ organization every time we purchase something online, bought from local venues, sent random gifts to others, made gifts for others, and more. So, despite not being an overly charitable person, I have made an effort to push myself to be more generous.

I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I am trying to say that I am no one special and there are numerous times in my life when I could have said that I prefer the path of darkness, self-pity, anger, bitterness, and wallow in the murky waters. I could have found a number of people to support that way of thinking and to tell me that I deserve to feel that way. However, as Robert Frost wrote: I chose the road less traveled by.

To me, it’s the easy and lazy way to go with the belief that life sucks. It’s simple-minded to say 2020 is the worst year ever or to blame a year – which has no personified qualities whatsoever. Instead, it takes character, integrity and strength to find a path forward that inspires and leads to the best version of who I can be. I want to look in the mirror every day and be satisfied with the person looking back at me instead of dodging the mirror altogether or playing a negative tune at the reflection.

We all have the ability to be and do more. Just do it – one step at a time.

Keeping Up with Normal

Going Mental No Responses »

May 152020

This week, I decided to create a new “Quarantine Schedule” to try to get myself ready for the eventual return to regularly scheduled activities.

Since I have gotten used to having time at home everyday, I decided it was time to start behaving as if I were going to an office – just minus the commute. Also, I have allowed some flexibility with how I spend my time during the day just as I would even if I were in the office. I mean, I am always multitasking; it’s just what I do.

To be honest, though, I am not eager to go back to the old normal. I am also unsure what the new normal will look like. A part of me is keen to be able to redefine my full-time work, which was starting to happen before ‘pandemic’ life took over. However, a bigger part of me is just content to let life continue as is – work from home all the time….

Having this time to reflect on what I would like life to be has been good. Something that I have become even more aware of than before is that all things are temporary.

In returning to a mindfulness meditation practice, I have been able to re-focus on the fact that our society, language, lives, environments, and circumstances are always in motion.

However, ironically, the one thing that seems to stay the same are people. You know that saying that a Zebra can’t change its stripes? On some level, I wholeheartedly disagree with this as people can change if they really want to. It takes work, reflective activity, and persistence, but it is humanly possible. Unfortunately, most people give up with the pathetic excuse that they ‘can’t’ change. Really, they should say they ‘won’t’ change.

These days, it is normal to say things like “I am who I am” or “I have to learn to love myself for who I am”. While the general sentiment behind these statements are true when we play negative recordings on repeat to self-sabotage, it does not excuse us from trying to be better human beings.

One thing that has contributed to my break from social media are the posts that suggest people should “forgive themselves” for not doing anything during these anxious times. It’s true that if your body and mind are feeling stressed and anxious that we should focus on keeping ourselves healthy. However, this should not be used as an excuse to be complacent or stagnant in life.

There is never a day or time that I can honestly say that I’m bored or that I have nothing to do. There are so many books in the world to read. There are thousands of online courses for free to take and learn something new. There are millions of YouTube videos to watch that teach us how to do things. There are gazillions of recipes to try. There are stories to write. There are miles to walk. There are billions of people to help. There is ALWAYS something to do. It is by this belief that I live my life.

In doing so, it’s hard to keep up with all there is out there to be done. Shouldn’t this be the new normal?

The Temporariness of Life

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 042020

Where does the time go? There I was thinking that I was on regular schedule for posting, but then three weeks just flew by! Now, I am back in March and hoping to not jinx my flow.

I guess I have still been a bit busy with work and trying to find the ever elusive balance to life. Whenever I think that I’ve done it, like a see-saw, the balance is quickly lost the moment a bit more on one side or the other appears. So, for now, I’m going to ride the tip toward writing here again.

One thing I have been pondering lately is the temporariness of everything. I recently had a scare that I could lose someone dear to me. While I know that this is an inevitable reality of life – everyone dies eventually – , I was not prepared to consider it for that person.

Often, when I watch shows where someone has died (this is a lot thanks to my addiction to true crime stories), the survivors always say the person who passed was wonderful, amazing, loving, so kind, full of life, etc. I keep wanting someone to say “She was a royal biotch!” or “He was an absolute dick.” It’s like saying that would mean that s/he deserved to die, which is not at all how I think. I just wish that we were honest about how people were/are in life. It’s nice to look fondly on people, and it sells better than if the person were not a good one, but life is temporary and why recall it differently than it is/was?

Since I was very young I have let go of my attachment to life. This does not mean that I haven’t and don’t live my life to the fullest. In fact, because I have let go of my attachment, I feel free to live it up. While I would definitely be pissed off if I was somehow incapable of living life as I know it, I would not look back with regret for the life I have lived.

However, this lack of attachment has also allowed me to live life for myself. I don’t have to worry about leaving kids behind. I don’t have a passionate cause to live and fight for. I don’t have strings attached to the world. Yet, related to re-finding purpose, it also has a downside in that the temporariness of this life leaves me floating a bit too aimlessly.

When I thought that I could lose my loved one, I wondered what life would be like without that person in my life. In turn, I wondered what life would be like without me in it. Right now, I think that it wouldn’t matter much except to those near and dear. Yet, I feel somewhat unsatisfied by that. So, now, I am thinking about what I can do to give back and leave a little something behind.

Thus, I am embracing the temporariness of life and looking forward to narrowing down what I will leave behind.

Day 2: #whyshewrites

Going Mental No Responses »

May 022019

While I’m in the flow….

Favorite motivational quote.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~Aristotle

I do not know if this counts as a motivational quote, but it has been one of my favorite quotes since I was in college and fell in love with Aristotle’s teachings.

Although in college I really disliked my friends’ elitist attitude as I found it a way of puffing themselves up more than an expression of standards, I have perhaps come around to what they may have really meant.

I believe that anyone can be whatever version of greatness they want to be – according to their own definition of it. I also believe that everyone should strive to be better than who they currently are as there is always improvement to be made within ourselves. This is achieved through discipline and repeated behavior towards this betterment of the self.

For me, this quote has motivated me to do my best to maintain a high self-standard, which does often overflow to those with whom I surround myself – unfortunately for them?

I do not apologize nor do I consider another option. As my father likes to say, “It’s hard to soar with eagles when you walk with turkeys.” This sounds a bit harsh, and I believe I have a bit more compassion and empathy for others than the quote might suggest. However, I do hold people to a very high standard.

Admittedly, I probably hide my elitist attitude (even from myself at times) as I’ve learned that it does not always serve me in relationships. In fact, I lost a friendship because of my lack of compassion and empathy since I had overestimated the understanding that I thought we had in how I view the world. While I am deeply saddened by the loss, I do not regret it in full.

In a recent conversation about this, it was suggested that perhaps I should be more flexible in my attitude knowing that my standards are impossible. However, I disagree. Instead, I consider it a challenge to continue to hold myself to excellence and encourage others around me to do the same.

My circle of friends is small, but it is not non-existent and I’m happy with it. There might be times when I’m lonely for my inflexibility, but I would much rather be lonely than constantly disappointed in myself or those whom I might call friends.

This way of thinking is also why I write. Through my written word, I can better explain my mind and view of the world. Time can be taken to process the words rather than the instant repelling of what I am saying.

For truly, who does not want to achieve and be excellent? To achieve and be, how else should it be done? As habit.

‘Nuff said.

Purpose

Going Mental No Responses »

Nov 022018

Sunny days in Japan means that it’s a laundry day. One can see clothes hanging on balconies outside throughout the city. The decision on when to do laundry is not really left to one’s own schedule or choice, but is instead determined by the whims of nature.

In this, I ponder a parallel in wondering how much free choice we truly have, or are we already fulfilling what the universe has determined that we should be doing?

Perhaps our freedom of choice lies is in deciding when to stop refusing to take the path meant for us? Perhaps, then, our unhappiness and discontent is in our stubbornness in believing we know a better way….

Sometimes (OK, most of the time!), it is easier to see what other people should or should not be doing with their lives than in our own. So, lately, I have been trying to remove the judging instinct and reflect….

I question regularly if I am avoiding a path before me? Am I refusing to see a way that is meant to be? Am I afraid to take a road less traveled?

My instinct says, “No!”

But, the truth is, I really don’t know.

My ego wants to believe that I am slightly more aware and in tune with myself than most and yet… perhaps I am deluded.

Maybe I just don’t know what I don’t know, or don’t want to know it.

The best way I do know how to judge myself objectively (if it’s even possible) is by my mental state. Given the fact that I have tendencies for extreme ups and downs, if I am fairly even keeled mentally, then I tend to think I am on the right path. When my mental state gets unbalanced, then perhaps it is because I have started to meander off the best trajectory.

With that as a working gauge, these days, I’m definitely feeling more and more on an even keel. My wheel of life actually feels like it is starting to even out so that all spokes of the wheel are moving forward smoothly.

My job is good. My finances are improving. My health is stable. My friendships are strong (at least from my perspective ). My love life is fabulous. My free time is spent pleasurably.

All in all, I am more content with life than I have been for a long time. I generally feel at peace in my heart and mind. While I may complain about various aspects of life here and there about decisions to be made – as any normal person does -, I do feel quite satisfied with where I am.

With all that said, I do have a sense that there is more I should/could be doing. I’m never one to just be content with life – even when all is good!

So, while I have renewed my own practice in yoga and meditation, I am not teaching it again (yet). While I have settled into a job and made the circumstances as ideal as I can, I’m not fulfilled or satisfied enough with just that. Therefore, maybe it’s time to start taking steps towards doing more….

As I contemplate this, I also come to a revised understanding of knowing whether or not I’m on the right track. When everything in my life is aligned, then opportunities seem to open up serendipitously. The idea that those who have get more chances to have more seems to be true in a way. This is not a boast in any way, but I am aware that when my life is in balance I am able to see more than when my focus is on particular aspects of life. A bit like ‘seeing the forest for the trees’ rather than ‘the trees for the forest’.

In my next post, I’ll share with you what I think is an example of what I’m trying to say here….

Security in Planning

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 102016

If I have learned nothing else this summer, it is that I cannot really plan and most especially cannot control ANYthing.

With that said, there are some things that I can plan and do. Tonight (early tomorrow), I leave for my Bali retreat as part of my yoga teacher training. I am being asked to teach a couple of times during the week with one ‘day’ as mine to lead. Since I have not been teaching lately and have not gone to a studio class for over a month, I am a little bit apprehensive about it. Also, there will be some people there whom I do not know, so despite my general preference to not teach large classes, this is exactly what I will be doing.

The nice thing is that I have had advance notice, meaning that I can actually prepare a bit and plan. Also, I have some flexibility in what I am teaching allowing me to use my own flavor/style, which is good as it gives me comfort. Having just completed putting together the outline, I feel as if there is a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, heart and mind.

Despite my teacher and others telling me that I should learn to go with the flow and not need to plan so much, I think that just does not work for me. It goes back to my post a while back about respect for different ways and needs of people. By telling me to go against my nature, I am being disrespected for how I do things. I do not go around telling people they should learn to plan more – even if I think it!

So, now, even if I have to make alterations, at least I can comfortably arrive at the retreat and spend my energy getting a feel for the group again and settling into the social aspect of the retreat rather than fretting about what I need to teach. I have a sense of security in the minimal planning that I can do.

Sometimes the lesson is in embracing what is within our reach and finding peace in controlling what we can without worry about trying to control beyond our reach.

-T

Newer Entries

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)