Compromises

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Oct 062022
 

Life is a constant up and down like a seesaw.

When I first saw the Korean version of this weird balancing device, I was confused as to why they would consider it play to ask kids/players to stand on the balancing board rather than sit as is the US way of play. I mean, talk about accidents waiting to happen! Over time, I came to appreciate the fact that play is really the teaching of real-life in a more protected, light-hearted, and experiential way. How much more directly can you find a way to learn that you need to find balance to stay up and you have to trust your partner not to knock you off the small little board. If either of you wavers, both are prone to a potential accident.

Also, I found that once one learned the art of the balance between two players, there was a lot more freedom in how one “flies” when the skill is mastered – just do a Google search for images and videos of how these players fly, somersault, and jump in the air.

Unfortunately, I never was brave enough to let anyone jump so much on the board that my feet left it, and am a little sad to admit that I really don’t like the idea of free-flying through the air without all kinds of safety equipment attached to me and below me. My risk-taking approval has a lot of qualifying requirements.

Still, the art of balance is often found in the ability to compromise. This compromise often requires a step forward and out rather than digging heels in with stubborn selfishness.

This week I was meant to go to Florence for another Writing Mini-Retreat on my own. I had booked everything, researched where to go, and was preparing myself mentally when I noticed M had a greyness floating over him for a couple of days. He has a constant state of stress around him anyway related to house financing, so I initially attributed his aura to that. However, when nothing was lifting it I asked directly to which he poured out his frustration on spending money always going out.

A regular point of contention between us is that life requires this outflow of funds. We cannot leave the house without spending money as that is the nature of experiencing life – no matter where we go or what we do. Things cost money. We cannot stay isolated in our home any more than we already do and my own ability to make an income is limited. Since this is the reality, I do not want to feel as if I am a captive in the house or a kept woman when it comes to living life – even if it is somewhat true.

So, when he openly confessed that he felt frustrated that it was going to cost money for me to go to Florence or for him to travel or for us to buy things that we need aside from food, I initially felt irritated. However, with some time and space, I admitted to myself that I didn’t necessarily need to go to Florence as I could try to do my writing locally to save our funds so that he could use the money to take his own break. Since I knew that asking him if he preferred me to do this would result in circular conversation, I made an executive decision to cancel everything for the trip. Luckily, I have long-learned that everything I book should have easy cancellation even if it costs a bit more.

In doing so, M initially tried to deflect and push back his sense of guilt for my action. However, I simply told him to just accept it, but not rub my face in it. I made the decision. I was OK with that decision. I also did not want to be reminded that I could have made a different one.

Through this decision, something magical happened. He reflected. Although he may not say so or realize it consciously, I know that me “sacrificing” the trip caused him to re-evaluate his view on our spending money. Taking our house payment issues out of the equation, we have more than enough money to save and spend reasonably. There is no need for us to feel like captives in our own (almost) house. There is no need for us to begrudge each other the desire to spend or go away for a few days to do the things that we want to do. We can afford it and we need – to some degree – to do it for both of our sanities.

So, like with a seesaw, we have to learn to trust each other and take turns as we allow the other to fly, jump, somersault, and soar in the air with the belief that the board will always be strong below to let us land safely.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Existential Contemplations

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 042022
 

Of late, I have been questioning my purpose in this life. When I was heavily into the world of Christian teachings ⛪️, I was convinced my place in the “body of Christ” ✝️ was the butt or bottoms of the feet 🦶🏼; wherever it was that people squashed and used taking the place for granted in its purpose. They are still very important parts of the body, but greatly unappreciated. So, for the most part I have found contentment as that being my general role in the whole of society. 👌🏽

When I read about Buddhism, I accepted the belief that suffering is just a part of life. Through meditation 🧘🏽‍♀️ and yoga, I found that I could cope with the varying degrees of “suffering” that ebb and flow.

However, I am still human and imperfect. My ego wants there to be more than suffering or being the brunt-end of the greater whole. It is in this desire that I struggle.

For the most part, I do not put much stock into human beings. Everyone is fallible – myself included. Everyone will disappoint – myself included. Everyone will be a weakness at some point or another – myself included.

In partnering with another human, we have a tendency to let ourselves believe that person is infallible, will never let us down, and will always be our strength. Basically, we put all our eggs in their basket and expect them to cherish, protect, and keep them from breaking at all costs as we would if we had kept them in our own basket. Some couples just get a bigger basket and put all their eggs together, but if anything happens to either one’s eggs they blame the other for not caring sufficiently to keep them safe. Modern day couplings seem to prefer that each one keep their own basket and avoid the sharing of responsibility for the other’s. What all of these scenarios presume is that the baskets are already full. 🧺

Imagine if, instead, we acknowledge we only have a few eggs in our own baskets and together we add to the filling of each other’s with more eggs while still keeping responsibility and control over our own baskets. Wouldn’t that be more satisfying and less controlled by another, or at least, avoid a sense of co/dependency?

I know – it’s an ideal more than a reality.

Also, I digress. I mean, how does holding on to our own baskets and helping each other fill them up have anything to do with our purpose of existence?

Well, I recently did a search on how to avoid depression or what to do when one has suicidal thoughts and is looking for purpose. It was more for research on my novel, but also somewhat related to my own thought patterns of late – not to worry, though I’m OK, I promise. 🥰

Still, I found the online advice to be rather useless. 🙄 Advice like: find something to be grateful for and focus on that; do something good for others rather than focusing on yourself; reach out to others; etc. are good points, but honestly I call BS on their efficacy. 🤦🏽‍♀️

For one thing, someone who is on an emotional and mental decline will struggle with the first two suggestions as it takes quite a bit of motivation to take action on something. The latter is probably ideal, but to be honest, I can count on two fingers ✌🏽, or maybe even just one ☝🏽, the number of people whom I could reach out to and trust that they would actually listen to me: without judgment, offer of advice, or compare my woes with their own, as feedback to me. Although I never participate in FB posts that say something like “I’d like to see if at least five people will respond to this post as a reaction to suicide awareness or acknowledgment of depression…“, I do not disagree with the sentiment behind them – I just don’t like FB posting that much. 🤪

The fact is that people have their own lives, are figuring out how to survive their own woes, and also mistakenly think they are the only ones experiencing their thoughts and challenges in a world that celebrates the image of “having it all together” or living the perfect life. Therefore, we have somewhat lost the art of getting together for a cup of tea/coffee and sharing with each other the frustrations, challenges, and angst that is called life.

Although I do think I am the most important person in my world, I also know that I am NOT the most important person in others’ worlds. As much as I think that is strange, I respect it. 😜 So, I am trying to revert my mind back to a sense of calm and acceptance as to the importance of being the backside or bottom part – I mean you try imagining sitting down without a soft cushy bum or walk without the bottoms of your feet. I am also reaching out to my one (maybe two) trusted peoples who will let me rant and vent with open-ended ears and love. [Thank you 🙏🏽🥰 – you know who you are!]

Through all of this, I accept “suffering” is a part of life. We are all in it together and together we shall survive if we just give each other a chance to discover our roles/purpose in this life, and give love through compassion where and whenever needed.❤️

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Sealing Shut A Friendship Door

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Oct 212021
 

Friendships come and go, this is a fact of life. As an expat, this is even more of a reality than perhaps for those who stay near their hometowns. 

Throughout my life, I have worked hard to maintain friendships so that the coming and going is minimized as much as possible since issues of abandonment, and the like, heavily way on my psyche.

Still, I’m an introvert. 

I like my own company, and I live in my head most of the time. Rarely do I ever feel lonely, and so independence is something that I do well and with pleasure. 

This doesn’t mean that I don’t have friends nor that I don’t need socialization. It just means that I am generally careful in discerning with whom I find worth spending my time. Therefore, when someone with chaotic energy and darker shadows enters my life, I am usually hesitant and wary to get too close.

However, when we moved to France, which was originally meant to be our “forever” area, I set my mind to being sociable and making a real effort to find some friends. After three years in Japan with my BFF and second BFF, I knew that I needed to have some lovely and strong ladies in my circle.

So, I did just that. 

However, there has to always be one, doesn’t there? 

On the first day of meeting some people in the area, I met four lovely ladies and later a few more. Of those original four, I am very good friends with three. Until a few days ago, I would have said this was true for all four, but somehow that one decided she needed to cut both me and M out of her life completely, which has resulted in some group drama, and sadly for her, no friends left.

While, ultimately, I am not hurt, or even surprised, about her decision, I am rather disappointed. 

Without going into details or sharing personal information about her or us, I will say that what has come out of it is a realization that when my gut tells me to avoid someone or something, I need to have no doubts or mental negotiations. In the end, my gut will prove to be correct and so much time, energy, and space will have been expended without a positive result for me and mine.

This is not 100% accurate, to be honest, the positive is that we no longer need to create space for someone who is every adjectival version of “selfish” or invest in trying to “help” one who does not truly want help. 

With that, this post is my closure on her and that fleeting friendship, as I had been calling it. I do not wish ill, and hope that one day she will truly become a better human being.

~T 

An Essay: Honesty vs Humor

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 192021
 

A recent conversation on writing with emotion has gotten me finding clouded spaces in my head. There are parts of my brain that remain behind locked doors, both out of choice and out of subconscious survival mechanisms. However, I am in a good and safe space these days that perhaps I can at least take a peek through the keyholes of some of these doors to let in some light.

I see auras. They aren’t colorful auras of the rainbow that some say they can see, but rather variations of light and dark. I base my decisions on whether or not to like someone or to allow myself to be in a space depending on the shades I see. When this started to happen I cannot say, but I imagine that I have had this way of viewing the world from birth. It has only been in recent years that I have come to acknowledge it as a flashlight that can guide me in what often feels like the dark.

My first memory of a shadow and darkness was while in my first family upon being adopted in the States. Words came out of my mouth, but the faceless shadow overhead neither understood nor reacted with lightness. This left my psyche confused and forever marked with a fear of being unheard and misunderstood. My world was mostly dark during the two or three years that I was in this family. Some flashes of light pass through my mind when I recall my first snow day.

The world was white outside. My older brothers and I went out into the snow to play. I giggled freely with joy and unadulterated mischievousness that comes from snowball fights and building snowmen. The sweet taste of warm apple cider still lingers on my lips as I warmed from the cold outside, letting the crisp freedom of the day fill my heart with a rare and fleeting moment of lightness. 

That flash of memory would be the last light I would see for many years. It was also the day that I was taken away from this family in which I was just beginning to find my place. Grey confusion filled me, and still does even now, in trying to piece together the puzzle of why I was removed and the irony of it being one of the best days I had had up to that point.

Dark shades of grey remain as a fog of mystery over the next six months following that blissful snow day when I was supposedly under a protective umbrella of bright light. It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that I discovered the mechanisms of singing, swinging my legs in joy, and laughing out loud – the humorous side of me – had been nourished for a sweet six months, but my mind had hidden it away under an opaque grey cover. 

It’s as if my heart and mind conspired together to wrap up all the love and joy that I must have had knowing that it would be the only thing to keep me alive in the years to come. So, I buried the art of laughter and humor deep inside until I no longer recognized it as a positive part of the world. Instead, I see it as a way to tell the truth in a mean way. Perhaps, though, I am still wanting to protect the light that lies beneath.

During the extremely dark years from ages 5 to 8, I never saw more than fleeting spots of light much like driving on a rarely traversed road at night. My many stories of physical abuse, psychological warfare, religious brainwashing, and confusion of sexual touches as expressions of love were all surrounded in darkness and lies. There is no humor to be found. Instead, I determined that life was only worth living if I was honest with myself and to others. Honesty provided me with a semblance of light like a fluorescent bulb in a dimly lit room. 

It was his honesty that showed me how to let in the light when my father told me directly the most ironic statement, “You won’t last long in this family if you can’t learn to take a joke.” At eight-years-old, I cried deeply at this. There was so much in that one sentence that neither he nor I could have known its significance at the time. Would I last very long in my third adoptive family? His directness gave me freedom to be, to see, to feel honesty at last from those on whom I depended. More importantly, laughter and joy was required by the taking and telling of jokes. 

Well, I did last with them and I will forever refer to my family, and my father especially, as my guardian angels of light. Aside from my husband, these are the only people with whom both honesty and humor are no longer shady auras of the dark, but are rather an immense ball of bright radiance.

So, although I still lack appreciation for the humorous aspects of life preferring directness that is found in being honest, I realize that if I allow myself to dive deeper within, my underlying emotions are actually rife with humor, which provides me with the strength to reflect on my early years with more smiles than tears.

Nature, Nurture, I am.

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 142021
 

Recently, I have been contemplating in the back of my mental space as to how much I am a product of my environment/experience and how much is a natural inclination.

Over the years, I have done a few character/personality tests as well as through tons of self-help resources reflected upon who I am when it comes to being able to label why I act/respond/behave the way that I do. No matter how much I might not want to be put into a box, life is easier when I have at least an outline of definition for who I am.

Recently, I did another test as part of a writing group for adoptees that I have joined. While the characteristics listed at the top and bottom of my list were not overly surprising, I considered again my contemplation of nature vs. nurture in my development as a human being and whether or not I want to change the labels, especially as a writer.

Since the time of my first memories, I have been an organizer. I remember putting toys away exactly as I found them or being able to remember just how pieces of something went so that I could put it back together again as they were. However, I am not certain if this is a naturally developed skill or one that I developed as a coping mechanism. Was I already naturally inclined to understand the organization and mechanics of things or did it develop as a way to control what I could of my life? Did my A-mom’s own tendency for being organized enhance what was already in me or confirm my need for it?

My eternal love for a schedule and routine can be clearly shown as a result of not being able to have any control or stability in my early childhood years. Thus, as an adult I learned that it was also a strength for success (however that is defined) and so I nurtured it further. But, was I naturally inclined anyway?

In Japanese culture, they have a belief that your personality is related to your blood type. This has spread to the West along with the idea of eating according to a blood type. If I follow this line of thinking, then the description for my blood type B+ would suggest that I am as I am based on nature.

Yet, upon my recent reflection of the top 5 character strengths according to the VIA Institute on Character, I feel that some points must be because of my early adoption experience.

Still, the truth is that people change and develop over time through both their natural tendencies and also their environment/experiences. So, my conclusion is that it’s probably both and, really, it doesn’t matter that much. More, it is a curiosity. Also, even more importantly, I have the power (control) to change whatever I want. So, if I want to move my least strong of 24 traits up on the list to a higher position, then all I have to do is train myself to be a bit more humorous! 😛

~T 😀

Europe Phase Complete – Benvenuto a casa nostra!

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Oct 102021
 

Well, we moved to Europe just under a year ago (14th is one year!) with a plan to settle in France. We didn’t quite follow our original plan as M thought it would be a good idea for me to see the eastern part of the country before we decided to buy and settle closer to Spain and the Atlantic, but still on the Mediterranean coastline.

Any thoughts of moving that direction were soon foiled when I started to make friends with whom I connected quickly, which is most definitely not something I usually do. Still, we did explore areas and even drove cross country just to give it another viewing. However, we are fairly easily pleased by location as we don’t have a lot of specific requirements other than to be somewhat close to the sea, not be living with neighbors too close to us, and close enough to a town to get the things that we need, but enjoy visiting for a cafe or meal out.

Then, came the Italian idea. I have yet to complete my posts on the Europe Phase II saga, but – SPOILER ALERT – we have found our dream house!

Although this shall now be a bit out of order in events/process, I wanted to share where we are now. The details on how it all came to be will come in a more focused post on that, but for now, here are some pics and a brief description of our new abode.

Description

Located in the province of Umbria, near a town called Orvieto, we are renting-to-buy (over five months) a country farm house originally built around ruins from 1200 A.D. The house size is about 350 sqm (sorry Americans, I don’t know the conversion offhand, but it’s BIG). There are seven rooms to use as bedrooms, office space, TV lounge, etc. There is an open plan living and dining room with an entry area. The kitchen is open on the ground floor connecting to the open plan space. Upstairs are four of the rooms with two bathrooms and one ensuite bathroom and walk-in closet area. The surrounding land totals 10 hectares (approx. 25 acres) of which probably two acres is manicured with a pool. The rest of the land has olive trees, fruit trees, and open fields at the moment for us to decide what to do with it.

Just a few pics of our new estate

Visitors are already making plans to see us and we hope to have many more as our doors are always open!!!

Benvenuto a casa nostra – Welcome to our home!

~T 😀

The Things I’ll Miss…

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Oct 052020
 

We are in single digit days left in Tokyo for this chapter. Who would have thought that I’d be living in and out of Japan four times since 1997? Who would have thought that I’d find the place that I swore I’d never return to after my first visit more like home than either my birth or adopted countries?

This time was definitely the best time I had and I am not leaving to escape nor with a sour taste in my mouth as previous times have been.

Thanks to being with Matt, living near my BFF, getting a job that I was familiar with and good at, and having perspective after living in a very different country in comparison, I could appreciate much more this time around than the previous times.

So, as I try to make time to positively reflect, I thought I’d summarize the things that I’ll actually miss.

1. My BFF and her family: Of course, I know I’ll be back for visits, but it was nice to have another chance to live near each other, to watch my godson grow into a young adult, to connect more with her husband, and to make more memories together.

2. My new friends and their families: I didn’t expect to really make friends as I’m not that good at it, but thanks to BFF connections and making a little effort both in and out of work, I did make some good friends (y’all know who you are!). I’ll carry the laughs and shared experiences as precious memories that added to what made this chapter in Japan the best of my previous years here.

3. Seasonal food: No other country does seasonal food like Japan (or at least none that I know yet). I love to eat, but I have always been a bit picky about Japanese food. However, knowing that I can get different fruit by the season or eat nabe in winter is somehow very comforting. I used to miss particular dishes, but this time I think I will miss the entire season of food.

4. Customer service: This is something I have always missed whenever I leave because there is nothing like the Japanese customer service. Some people dislike it because it is superficial and sometimes those who help state the obvious, but there is comfort in knowing that everyone gives their best to help as much as they can. Over time, one can understand that the stating of the obvious is their way of saying “I don’t know” because they can’t say it directly. 😉

5. Shinkawa: The river, or rather the man-made canal, that runs by our house has been my happy place when I needed to stretch my legs or feel a sense of nature. Keeping track of the ducklings, turtles, fish and flora of the riverside has really brought me peace of mind.

While there are other things that I will surely miss, these are the ones that are at the top of the list. I know they are somewhat different than what I thought I would miss the previous times I have left; but age changes perspective.

I have learned not to say good-bye anymore as I know that I will be back for visits and can still appreciate some of these things when I visit again. So, with that au revoir Japan, until next time….

~T 😀

Change in the Air

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 012020
 

As if a switch was turned the summer temperatures dropped 🌤 , humidity drifted away 🌬 , and leaves began to fall off the trees 🍃. Welcome to autumn.

Not to be outdone by the natural changes, we have our own seasonal movement happening. In 13 days, we will be on a plane to France 🛫🇫🇷. Assuming no major obstacles (knock on wood 🤞🏽) keep us from getting on the flight with the cats, we will begin the next phase of our lives near the Mediterranean Sea.

WHY ARE YOU MOVING TO FRANCE?

Many people have asked us this and, recently, my mother wanted to clarify to be able to explain to people this seemingly sudden move. After all, it feels as if we just got ourselves settled in Japan.

Well, two words explain in short: Brexit and COVID19.

FIRST, WHY FRANCE?

France has been our “next phase” (aka retirement) destination. We don’t say ‘retire’ because that suggests that we won’t be doing anything productive, but neither of us are likely to pass the days away leisurely – or at least, we can’t imagine that yet.

However, M has always wanted to have a vineyard 🍇 ➡️🍷and some land to putter around on in the French countryside. We have talked off and on about having a larger place to offer yoga retreats or conference centers or some kind of service-oriented type side business.

Either way, I fell in love 🥰 with the area when I visited in 2015 and agreed that it was somewhere I could happily spend the next phase of my life in. Despite my general dislike for the French language 🤦🏽‍♀️😂, I started to study it via the Duolingo app so that I would not be completely lost someday in the future when we moved there.

Besides, France is a great spot to launch from for travel as I have not done that much traveling through Europe as I always knew I wanted to see it when I could afford to enjoy it and not experience it like the typical backpacker. 🤷🏽‍♀️😇

NEXT, BREXIT:

Back in 2016, when the wheels of cray cray began to spin globally, we did not know what the effects of Brexit would be in a practical sense. It seemed for a while as if nothing would change, but then finally dates were set and actions were taken to declare that after December 31, 2020 British citizens would no longer be treated as EU citizens in France.

When we heard this, we began conversations around going sooner than later. However, at the beginning, we weren’t necessarily rushing to go as M pointed out that we could still move there, we’d just have to do more paperwork.

THEN, THERE WAS COVID19 –

The world went into this surreal state with no one really knowing that it was going to continue to an unknown future date. With the enforced and encouraged social distancing measures that have led to us both being able to work from home using video-calling programs and online systems, we realized that we could be doing this in our own open space, poolside, without neighbors within arms reach outside the windows, and just a train ride or car’s drive away from getting away from the ‘mundane’ things more freely (and cheaply).

OTHER DRAWS TO HAPPINESS:

Now, don’t get me wrong. Some of this is possible in Japan, and we have thoroughly enjoyed living here (haven’t left yet!). I admit that this time I have had the best time of all my stays here because I have been able to see it through new eyes.

However, it felt like this was the right timing and it all feels right. Japan was never meant to be for forever, though we did think that it was going to be for a bit longer than it’s turned out to be.

It’s just that we are both ready to live in more familiar lands where the culture and mindset are slightly more Western than we have been in since we met. There are seemingly small things like language barriers, cultural clouds, and a sense of transience that we face regularly here that will still be experienced in Europe, but at a much smaller scale.

We are looking forward to visiting the local boulangerie 🥖🥐, making friends that we can invest time and energy into 🥂🍻 knowing that we will be around for a while, taking side trips to neighboring countries 🚙🚆, and putting down some real roots together. 👩‍❤️‍👨.

So, together, we head off to a new phase and start the next part of the adventure of our lives. We are excited and I’ll be, hopefully, posting more regularly as I’ll finally be focusing on writing more and being the free-spirit I know I was always meant to be! 😝

~T 😀

Retreating

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 092018
 

When the sun and moon align, people gather together to view the phenomenon with the promise of each time being the ~est in our lifetimes. Yet, it is this equilibrium and balance that awes us and, despite all the fanfare and build up, lasts mere moments.

Our life experiences are similar. Though we do not always see the build up or understand the fanfare (aka drama) that we go through, we do live for those mere moments. Yet, there are also times when our focus is so much on the build up and drama that we miss the brief moment that it was all meant for. It is only when we have the luxury of time and reflection that we sometimes find light in the shadows.

In 2017, I had high hopes for life and was on a path that I thought was taking me to a better version of myself and my life. In fact, contrary to my usual avoidance in making New Year’s Resolutions, I set out quite a list of them for that year. Unfortunately, other than managing to finish my RYT500 yoga teacher training, I did very little in terms of the goals I had laid out. (Lesson being I’m probably not going to do that again! 😛 )

However, with somewhat disbelief that nearly two years have passed since our lives were quite different from now, I have been given the luxury of time and reflection to see the light in the shadows of those darker days when it seemed that there was no way out.

When we moved to Japan again, I took some time away from the world of yoga and mindful meditation. I didn’t have time to focus any energy on that as we had to go into survival and rebuilding mode. It was what was needed at the time, and still is to some degree for the foreseeable future. Still, as the Universe and God continue to bless us, some potential possibilities were building up to the forefront of reality.

In an early conversation about possibly getting to the point in our life to again think about traveling or taking some time to decompress at a retreat, my BFF mentioned that she follows someone on Instagram who hosts yoga and meditation retreats in Japan. I took note for later, as we were nowhere near a place to be considering such a thing seriously. Then, proving that the Universe knows, she forwarded me an article that came out interviewing the host of the retreats with more details about it. I again saved it for a later date since the timing was in the summer and we were just starting to touch our feet to the ground again.

Over the months, with the help of some secret-ing, we avoided attracting too much drama and instead focused on the alignment of our lives in all areas, as much as possible. Through this, the Universe and God conspired together to align timing and funding; thus, creating the opportunity to be able to attend the Dairyuji Yoga and Mindfulness Retreat in the very local city of Oga located in Akita Prefecture. 

Literally everything aligned.

I was able to leave work early and take the five-hour trip from Tokyo to Oga for a meaningful and refreshing weekend.

Meeting G & K, our hosts, was like reading an inspirational book that reignites a flame of hope in humanity. Their kindness and openness was as fresh as the country ocean air surrounding the Oga peninsula. 

For a yoga/mindfulness retreat, this one was an easy way to get my feet wet as a first-time experience. I don’t know about others, but my image of some retreats is more hard-core yoga practice and inescapable focus on being “spiritual”. 

Perhaps because of the environment of the temple itself, or perhaps because of the people themselves, there wasn’t a need to be pushy. If anything, they could perhaps have been pushier with a bit more yoga and meditation time. However, if the aim was to provide a relaxing retreat environment with an opportunity to explore mindfulness and try some yoga, this was a success.

As an added bonus, I made connections with people whom I may never see again, and yet I feel were purposeful interactions drawing a nearly full circle from past to present. I think I’ve said before that I believe all connections have meaning and though I may not fully know what they are now, I hold them close in anticipation for a later revelation.

So, I will let the pictures speak for themselves as I consider the next possible, perhaps more hard-core, retreat in the future! 😉

Dairyuji-Oga Yoga/Meditation Retreat_Oct2018 / Google Photos

~T 😀

 

The Self: Part 2

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 242018
 

This week has been #singlelife for me as M is away visiting family. It’s the first time in almost two years that we have been apart for so long or without stress related to our time apart.

Even though I obviously miss him, it has been a fruitful time for me. 

For a while now, maybe a couple of years, I have felt less like myself despite how I may have appeared on the outside. There are a number of factors that probably contributed to this:  quitting my job (something I really wanted/needed to do), massive financial struggles, changes in lifestyle, etc. etc. During this period of time, I had to depend on other people like I have never ever done before and it is something that I am NOT very good at doing. 

With an early childhood like mine, where there was no one to depend on unconditionally, I naturally learned to rely only on myself for that which I held dear. I shared nothing of value to me with anyone – even with those whom I had grown to trust and love. 

The truth is that I would dare to say that a very small number of people in my life truly know me:  know what makes me cry (because emotions are sacred to me), know what my deepest thoughts about the world are, know what is actually important to me when it comes to this life and those I love, or know my expressions in all that I value. 

As a young idealistic youth, I thought that if people really wanted to know me, they would make the effort to discover these things about me and if they didn’t, well, I was just fine on my own without them. However, recent experiences have shown me that the opaque walls I built around me to give others the impression that they knew me, but they didn’t, aren’t necessary anymore – if they ever really were. 

These days, I return to some of my core values and beliefs.

I have always valued connections – whether positive or negative. People and experiences are what enrich our lives. When we close ourselves off by demanding that meet ups with others be on our terms or not at all, we only close the door to our own enrichment. When we say that we just need ‘me-time’ or that we cannot be ‘arsed’ to make an effort, we are really letting ourselves down.  When we make excuses of time, money, energy or whatever millions of other reasons we can find to justify why our self-centeredness is more important and more meaningful than opening the doors to others, then we are only limiting ourselves.

We, as individuals, can do anything. We can see the world. We can meet anyone. We can have more money than we need. We can have unlimited amounts of energy. We can make a contribution to society no matter how great or small.

How? By letting go of the self. Nothing and no one is ever alone. If we feel that we are, we only have ourselves to blame for our pushing away, for our blindness, for our lack of acceptance, for our lack of reaching out and asking.

If I had not valued the connections I had made over the years, there is no doubt in my mind the past few years would have been a million times worse than they were. Because of those connections (you know who you are), I am able to look back now with a smile and a sardonic laugh. I look back with extreme amounts of gratitude and love. I look back with limitless amounts of appreciation for the willingness to drop everything or give unconditionally to help me when asked, knowing that it was not an easy thing for me to do. There is no way that I can ever express enough how their SELFlessness helped me when I needed it the most.

In yoga philosophy, we study about the ego. We contemplate how the ego, or self, keeps us from true harmony in our lives – inside and out. While I never thought of myself as overly egotistical, I was definitely all about mySELF:  self-confidence, self-reliance, self-care, self-help, and the list could go on. I had bought in to the idea that truly taking care of number one could only be done by yours truly. 

Yet, as I discover the falsity of this way of thinking, I unexpectedly find myself more content and at peace. 

Of course, this does not mean that I retract my claim of ‘not liking people’. 😛 It just means that, despite the irony of having time on my own to come to this realization, it is not always in my best interest – or any of ours – to focus so much on myself. Instead, I hope to restart embracing more connections and gaining experiences that enrich not only my life, but also help me to make whatever contribution I can back to others and the world in whatever way the Universe and God have planned for me.

~T 😀

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