Mortality – In the Physical World

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Sep 082022
 

For as long as I can remember I have had a very unattached mentality towards the idea of mortality. Perhaps due to the forced acceptance of loss at an early age, I have always kept a logical and unemotional view of death – for death is just a loss of the presence of someone from our lives.

Still, to be fair, I have not had to face the actual death of many who are near and dear to me. I remember my first experience being my last foster father who shot himself when faced with having to be held accountable for his heinous acts against young girls. While I was very sad about his death, I had already detached myself from the idea of him and so it did not touch my core. However, I am certain that I saw him in my sleep on the plane as we returned home from an east coast visit at the time that would match the moment in which he took his own life.

The next death was the sudden loss of the father of my childhood best friend whose passing left us all in shock, and severely rattled the lives of his immediate family for years. I felt his disappearance from this world deeply, but perhaps my frustration at having been iced out of the mourning process with my friend and her family where I had thought I had a second home helped me to cope with the grief initially. It has only been in the past year or so that he said a final good-bye and stopped regularly visiting me in my dreams.

That same year, my maternal grandfather also left us in the physical world, but I saw him for many months in my dreams until I felt sure that he was in a better place, and that he was OK enough for us to wave good-bye to one another with a final “With my looks and your brains, we’ll go far” from him.

Next came my grandmothers and while sad, especially as I didn’t get to see them much due to choosing a life abroad, I felt OK with their passing as life had been long and full for them. I have always believed that when one dies from age, then it is acceptable so that mourning is not so much required. Still, both visited me briefly in my dreams, but I was able to say good-bye to them easily knowing they were in a good after life.

Recently, a former TIUA student (Japanese exchange student of the sister university to Willamette) passed away seemingly because of C19. I hadn’t seen him in years, but he was always a smiling guy with a warm attitude towards me and others. His wife posted on his FB account about his death and I found myself moved by the loss of his spirit in this world. I will likely not dream of him, but it does make me stop to ponder this life and those remaining in it.

The most obvious concern is for my parents. They are no longer young and though I like to think of them as active and vibrant, I am well aware that dementia is a genetic disease, and that the body wears down so that a change is required in accepting the inevitable slower phase of life they shall have to enter sooner rather than later.

My mind is already starting to prepare for the unstoppable end that will eventually come. In doing so, I have realized that my detachment towards mortality does not apply to those who are the closest to me. So, I am mulling this reality over without much joy.

Further, as I type this, I am listening to the live coverage of the potential loss of the Queen of England and it just continues to reinforce this notion of contemplating mortality.

Quite possibly because now I am older and realize that death is not necessarily a welcomed sojourn, I find the idea of losing anyone upon whom I count whether near or far, a heart-dropping and suffocating idea. I suppose it is better that I wrap my head around these things now before I have to face them in real time, but I still welcome distraction….

~T 🔥🐉♋️

_This Is Us_

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Sep 062022
 

**Spoiler alert – If you are watching this series and haven’t yet finished it and don’t want to know what happens before viewing, then skip this post!** 🤷🏽‍♀️

Until I watched the final episode of the six-season series, This Is Us, I would have said that my favorite series of all-time is still Little House on the Prairie. The latter did have a longer run and it still stands as one of the best stories ever, but I think my ‘modern-day’ choice is This Is Us. ❤️

First of all, the editing that gives us forward, backward, and current time perspectives of the characters – with sometimes different episodes around the same event but from each character’s point of view – is amazing. The storyline is beautifully put together for each character, overlapping the generations and growth of the individuals. It’s got ups and downs that are so relatable, but finishes with a realistic yet sappy ending. I mean, what more can we ask for over six seasons?

I appreciated the adoption storyline of Randall on a deeper level than if I were not also an adoptee or one assimilated into a culture and family of another race. His biological family search is profound and, for the first time since the adoption of Albert in LHOTP, has not been a strong central storyline in current TV dramas.

The decline of Becca’s mind hit close to him from the dementia of my grandmother to the potential reality that it might be or might happen to one of my own family members since it is considered genetic. The idea that it is a family disease never sunk in until the final season and the story works itself to a core understanding of what I/we may have to prepare for eventually.

The twins are a little less relatable to me, yet I also watched their own paths and journeys into adulthood, maturity, and confidence in navigating this crazy world with the same kind of curiosity and hope that I might with those who are close to me.

The ending was absolute perfection with no loose ends, revisits from previously seen characters, and an idea of the final moments of one who is dying that makes it okay to let them go despite the heartbreak and sadness of those who remain behind.

So, as I continue to process how to all connects and how I feel about what the actors, writers, producers, etc. created I highly recommend watching this show in its entirety, if you aren’t or haven’t already! ❤️

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Café to Café

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Sep 012022
 

The hubs and I were discussing our future activities this morning as he has returned refreshed and recharged from the buzz of city life. He has a renewed optimism about all things, which gives a bit of light into being able to discuss and plan our next steps.

We have agreed that country life is still a bit too remote for us as we both like the energy that is found from the city. I noted that one of the reasons that I always like to write in a café is because they are almost always full of people coming and going. The joy of sharing a cup of coffee never fails to create a light for inspiration and motivation. Few people are ever unhappy after they’ve gotten their shot of caffeine.

So, with a few things in the works that will release us from the self-imposed prison of not being able to leave our house much, we plan to get ourselves back out into the world where I can have “intellectual” conversations, we can pop in to a local dive for an afternoon drink, and we can walk our dogs on the sidewalks waving our hands to friendly passersby. Knowing that we will always have our “country home” to retreat back to as a home-base will be comforting for both of us, but we are still wanting a bit more adventure and activity – after all I’m still in my 40s!!! 😅🤪

Thus, stay tuned for how things play out over the next month or so. In the meantime, we have a final month of visitors and plenty of activities going on around town now that the weather has become pleasant again – not too hot, not too cold. Mostly, though, it’s just nice to have some plans forming that are not ridden with guilt and worry. 😬

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Whose story is it to tell?

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Sep 242021
 

On September 17, 2021 a film, Blue Bayou, was released creating more than just a controversial stir amongst the Korean adoptee community. Although, I was aware of the Adoptee Citizenship Act activity since news coverage shared the deportation story of Adam Crapser in 2017, I did not stay updated beyond reading headlines or comments on social media, which brought to light this issue that is estimated to affect around 35,000 adoptees, who were sent to America to be adopted, but for whatever reason no one took the responsibility to ensure these young Korean immigrants became legal US citizens. 

So, when I got the chance to preview the film before its official release, I was excited to do so. 

The trailer successfully engaged me in the story and made me want to see how a professional film would portray an aspect of angst experienced by my adoptee community. A good friend of mine warned that there was some controversy in that the main role was heavily based on Adam Crapser, but without his permission. With that in mind, I watched the film…. 

It was a moving story that properly pulled at the heartstrings and expressed both sides of the truth – fairly, in my opinion. I found myself being torn between empathy for the main character with his traumatic adoptive experience along with his bad circumstances that led to the deportation, and judgement on his poor life decisions that prevented him from affording the means to help himself out of the situation. Of course, it’s a vicious cycle, so I am not at all placing blame on the victim himself. 

All that aside, what strikes me as most disconcerting in the discussions surrounding the film is the divide that is happening within the Korean adoptee and Asian American community. Those who know Adam directly, along with those who are naturally inclined to activism, have begun to protest against this film stating that it is too closely based on his story, which he had not given permission to tell. They have created a change.org petition to boycott the film altogether and are blasting social media with their protestations. One argument is that Justin Chon, the actor and director, is not an adoptee but a hyphenated Korean-American. This leads to a statement that non-adoptees should not be telling the stories of adoptees, especially without their permission. However, Chon and his media team continue to state that the story was an amalgamation of a number of deportees’ stories despite the uncanny parallels to just one’s. Meanwhile, Adam Crapser has only made social media statements to his limited audience, letting his supporters spew their rhetoric on his behalf, but still not speaking directly to the community to support the protestations being made.

For me, personally, it is not about who is right or wrong per se. Instead, what I see is a swirling cloud of dust that dirties the topic that should have been brought to the light for discussion as to how this issue even came to be in the first place. While the details of whose story it is, whether or not he gave permission, and the like are important, I am afraid that the true purpose of making the film at all is now lost. I am afraid that those looking in from the outside will only see the fighting and look away with disinterest in engaging in the conversation that should have been the focus about deporting forced immigrant populations. I am afraid that an opportunity has been lost.

Should a non-adoptee be allowed to share, take artistic license, or depict the story of an adoptee? Ideally, I’d like to say no and be able to believe that the adoptee’s story would still be heard regardless. However, in the same threads of whether or not a white person should be allowed to do the same with a minority’s story, I feel the same uncertainty in my answer. I would love it if the minority’s story and voice could be heard with the support of the majority, but today and throughout history that is not how the world works – yet. So, is it a matter of just getting the story out there in whatever way possible? Or,  do we fiercely hold on to what we believe is our story even if it may never be heard?

~T 😀

Amalfi Coast & Capri

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Sep 212021
 

It was a weekend of luxury and action (two weekends ago now) to make our visions for a certain lifestyle of our own come to fruition. Don’t worry – it’s more about the potential than affording the reality for now… 😜

On top of that, it was a chance to get to know new people more as the layers of individuals can only be discovered through time spent together in conversation , breaking of bread 🍕and sharing of drinks. 🥂

Anyway, just a short post to share from our visit to the Almafi Coast (Sorrento area) and boat day to Capri. Pics below and other highlights on social media platforms. 😬

  • Always love home-made pizza and by a man named Luigi!
  • Fancy meal and delish!
  • Local seafood and pasta
  • Not a bad view – Capri in the distance
  • Fun on a boat!
  • Sophia Loren’s house on Capri
  • Thinking about boats…
  • Free drinks? Yes, please and thank you!

My Way…

 Going Mental  3 Responses »
Sep 092021
 

In Richard Templar’s The Rules of Wealth book, he makes a point of teaching that we shouldn’t necessarily tell others about our money goals or dreams because inevitably someone will pooh-pooh the idea or try to tell us why we are wrong in our way of thinking. He doesn’t say not to tell anyone, but to be selective in who we tell and make sure that those people are ones who will support and encourage us to reach our goals and dreams.

I have found that this can be true with just about every topic or area of interest. When Don Miguel Ruiz writes in The Four Agreements – “Don’t take things personally”, it can be applied to everything when we dare to share anything about ourselves, and we do not get the positive response that we want (though I’d say it applies even to the positives, too).

Just about everyone around me knows that I am not a fan of “people” on the whole. I am not a sharer of much, sometimes even to those closest to me, until I am good and ready.

In French this week, I learned the difference in the phrases ‘j’ai confiance en toi’ (I have trust in you) and ‘l’ami confident’ (a confidante). While we might want to translate it directly into our English word, confidence/confident, they are not the same. Also, trusting someone doesn’t always make them a confidante.

There are two regular people in my life whom I would call confidantes. They are the ones who get the most genuine version of myself and my thoughts. However, even with them, I find that I really have to have confiance en moi (trust in myself). 

It’s not that I don’t value their input or advice. It’s that they aren’t in my head, have my gut instincts, or understand what it is I am really trying to achieve. In their defense, I am most likely not explaining my ideas well enough for them to grasp in full. So, I’m not pointing any fingers or judging – I promise.

Rather, it is that I know what I want to do and where I want things to go.

Here are two examples:

  1. M has been encouraging me to find a retreat for either yoga or for writing. I appreciate this deeply. One problem for me is that I don’t want to spend a lot because we will have upcoming expenses once we are in the house and start our ‘nesting’ process. Also, the deeper truth is that I don’t want to go on a retreat to meet new people or share my writing with people I do not know. At the moment, I crave solitude, silence, and my own space. Therefore, I can spend about half of what a retreat costs by going to a hotel on my own for a week and writing and/or doing yoga there. M tried to mansplain how I was incorrect in my thinking, to which I politely (in my mind) told him he was wrong. 😛
  2. I want to generate an income from The Universal Asian. In this way, we can regroup our expenses and I can pay more to contributors and those who are helping to build up the platform. There are a number of ways that one can generate money from an online space, but I’m hesitant to move forward to many of them. Lots of people have given me advice and some have suggested I ask for more professional advice, but again I hesitate. It’s not from fear, but from not feeling ready or comfortable yet. I have an idea of how to go about it and I know that when the timing is right I will know how to go about taking action. This is how most everything has gone with it so far and I think that it’s been fairly successful. I’m not saying I won’t need help or outside expertise, but rather that when it’s right, it will happen organically and smoothly. 

So, these examples are where only I can know what I am aiming to achieve no matter how much advice others give me, only I can move forward toward the goals. 

Still, while I keep things close to my chest, it doesn’t mean that I don’t take in or listen to what others suggest. It just means that I might be slow to take it on board, or that I just want to do it my way. 😉

~T 😀

Relaxing in Rome

 Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad  No Responses »
Sep 082021
 

Last weekend, we had a little getaway to Rome, which is actually only about 1.5 hours away from where we are living now in Italy.

It was M’s first visit to the capital city, so we did the touristy bit of doing a Big Bus Tour to see the main sights. With C19 limiting visits inside places, we ended up with a long tour of the Colosseum, but it was all part of the fun exploring. Some pics are below, but you can also see more on our @footnersineurope Instagram account.

More importantly, though, it was a nice chance for us to reset as all the stress of moving around and wrapping our heads around making Italy home now was making us a bit snappy with one another – though M claims it was more me than him. Never! 😛

One highlight that had nothing to do with Rome itself was getting a new laptop 💻. It wasn’t a necessity, but a want and a tool to help allow for me to write or do work away from the ‘dungeon’ we call home 👏🏽.

In fact, I am typing this post from a cafe with the comfort of my new laptop and freedom to be a true digital nomad. 😁 So, it’s already paying off. 😂

With that, I shall leave you with just a few images from our trip. More exploring to come.

~T 😀

Emotional Expressions

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Sep 032021
 

I cry at standing ovations, flash mobs, and moments of frustration that stem from a boiling of feelings buried within like an erupting volcano. I rarely cry otherwise.

In my youth, I cried a lot and I only cried when alone.

Crying was not necessarily about being a sign of weakness to me, but rather a reason for others to not like me, not keep me, not want me, not need me. Therefore, I would not show this side of me to others unless it was from physical pain, or when the feelings of frustration were too much to contain–as was often the case when getting picked on by my older brother.

Mostly, though, I learned to bury my emotions in front of others. This meant even the happy ones. Stoicism had a whole other layer of meaning for me. I built walls, and walls for those walls tenfold.

I remember my mom once telling me that she was so relieved when I had a negative emotional outburst as a teen because she was able to finally know what I was thinking and feeling. Later, I learned that she listened to my phone conversations, read my letters and diaries–all out of a desire to figure out just what exactly was going on inside my head because I never let anyone in. My poor mother just wanted to understand me, but the walls I had built were well-entrenched and difficult, even for me, to break down.

Still, I would cry every night in my bed–alone and scared with my thoughts. I feared for years that I would wake up the next day to learn that I was being given away again. My nights of insomnia, or escape into books until sleep overtook me, were my attempts at making each day last as long as it could since who knew what the next day would bring.

Add on to these overwhelming basic worries, teenage years of angst, a poetic’s soul of romanticism, and a dreamer’s wish for a utopian world. Tears were inevitable.

The tears flowed through university, into my twenties and first marriage. They streamed daily until I decided that I could take action to make them stop. I could change my life and take control of it. I did not have to be the victim of the whim of others or the object of disrespect. If I didn’t stop my tears, then no one else was going to. And so, I took one step at a time to turn off the tear ducts and switch on smiles instead.

Turns out it wasn’t hard to smile and it wasn’t a fake-it-’til-you-make-it kind of change.

These days, I save my tears for moments of unity, true expressions of love or attempts to reach beyond one’s natural inclination to show it, and appreciation of beautiful moments of humanity. Although it might seem as if I am unemotional or detached from my deeper feelings, I say that it’s that I’ve cried all the superficial tears. I’ve released all the ‘woe-is-me’ cries and consciously decided to have tears of joy and love. I am not without emotion or moments of weakness. I am, however, with control and discernment as to when a moment deserves the wetting of my eyes. 😛

Instead, my smiles are genuine and my youthfulness is in full force even as a 40-something-year-old!

~T 😀

2020: Pausing to Breathe

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Sep 072020
 

It is becoming popular to say “2020” sucks because of COVID-19. It is becoming acceptable to complain and then blame it on the year that so many claim has not happened nor looks like it will before 2021 arrives.

I am curious to know if there is a common introverted vs extroverted response to the evolution of this year, or if optimists react differently than pessimists.

As a realist, here is my take.

The abnormality of this year has been like hitting the pause button on a movie. As someone who actually gets overwhelmed by all the motion and noise of the world, this pause has been like going figuratively out into the woods to take a long deep breath of fresh, clean, pure air.

So, when I hear all the moaning of the noisy minority I think I feel a kind of personal affront to who I am because to be perfectly honest, this has been an amazing year for me. I will be remember 2020 as the year that the world stopped long enough for some of us to take a long deep breath.

In a way, we have seen a division in personalities.

There are those who have told me that all the negative realities of the world are overwhelming them mentally and physically that they are struggling to face the days. There are those who have told me that they feel trapped by the lack of travel or free movement. There are those who have told me that they are bored with their lives because they cannot “do” anything.

My response to those who are overwhelmed by the negative realities because they tend to spend the majority of their time on social media or watching mass media feeding their brains with all the negativity: turn off the noise!

My response to those who are feel trapped: exercise, plan an amazing trip for next time and save up all the money you can now so that when the freedom is returned you don’t look back and wonder why you didn’t prepare for travel and moving again. Be proactive and prepare!

My response to those who are bored: get over yourself and DO something for others. So many restaurants, organizations, programs are struggling. Look them up and offer to DO something or donate if you’re one of the lucky few who has the income to do so. There are a million things to DO in a day that there is really no excuse for this statement.

Now, before my reader says, but: Do you follow your own responses? I preemptively respond with a YEP. And, though it may mean I have to toot my own horn, here is what I have been doing that addresses these perspectives.

1. I have screen time set to turn off every day from 7pm to 5am and it’s off all day on Sundays with the exception of one or two apps that I might use or that I use with my family in case something comes up. I also look at social media twice a day for a max of about 30 minutes or I look for the sole purpose of the magazine to get more followers or contributors. None of it is allowed to be processed too deeply on a regular basis. I do not watch or read the news, so most information comes via word of mouth or an occasional headline that I might see.

2. I admit that this is a little unfair in that we are preparing to move countries and so I have this to look forward to sooner than most. However, as someone who is used to traveling every few months, it has been a challenge. Instead, I have focused on building up our savings account and ensuring that we have a fund to splurge out – plus that fund is allowing us to not stress over the big move.

3. Aside from starting the magazine, I have donated to a homeless organization, used smile.amazon.com to support a ‘charity’ organization every time we purchase something online, bought from local venues, sent random gifts to others, made gifts for others, and more. So, despite not being an overly charitable person, I have made an effort to push myself to be more generous.

I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I am trying to say that I am no one special and there are numerous times in my life when I could have said that I prefer the path of darkness, self-pity, anger, bitterness, and wallow in the murky waters. I could have found a number of people to support that way of thinking and to tell me that I deserve to feel that way. However, as Robert Frost wrote: I chose the road less traveled by.

To me, it’s the easy and lazy way to go with the belief that life sucks. It’s simple-minded to say 2020 is the worst year ever or to blame a year – which has no personified qualities whatsoever. Instead, it takes character, integrity and strength to find a path forward that inspires and leads to the best version of who I can be. I want to look in the mirror every day and be satisfied with the person looking back at me instead of dodging the mirror altogether or playing a negative tune at the reflection.

We all have the ability to be and do more. Just do it – one step at a time.

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