Creative Meanderings

I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse that the world has become more open to reflection, self-awareness, and mental health.

It’s interesting to listen to younger people dismiss the current talk of mental health in the same way that the older generations ignored it. At the root is the common belief that we can fix ourselves or that it’s something for others – who are weak; who are lacking in some way – never for us.

This is the very way of thinking that brought us to where we are now in the conversation and why those of my generation are drawing so much attention to the topic. And yet, it seems unique to the 20-somethings to respond with feigned annoyance to the seemingly over-emphasis on mental health that frequents advertisements, podcasts, and other social media platforms.

Over the past few months, I have found myself silent and slowly becoming opaque. In groups, I chose not to talk much. In writing, I chose to avoid.

With these main avenues of expression blocked due to my own fear, frustration, and futility I created a dam that inevitably would burst at some unknown and unexpected point of time.

And it did.

My poor unsuspecting husband received the trauma of my explosion. At the time, I could not pinpoint the source of the mighty geyser bursting through my tears and crazy tantrum. With a rawness from the emotion, I could not process sensibly where or why a small poke became grounds for defcon five.

Yet, as I reflect in the still tender parts of my heart and mind, I begin to unknot the threads that have unraveled in my sanity.

There is no specific starting point, but rather various bumps and pushes that build up like the tectonic plates of the earth that if rubbed too much in the wrong way result in a massive earthquake.

Because I chose to build up walls preventing any release of these feelings and emotions, believing they weren’t that important or that no one would really care, I created a preventable “disaster”.

Although, on one hand, I can justify the outburst with various rationales, finger-pointing, and the like, I’d rather reflect and understand so that a repeat offense is avoided.

While I am proud to be able to say, generally, that I know myself quite well, I am also more than aware of the sad reality that I can completely forget who I am; just as if I have had no previous knowledge or wisdom in the self-awareness category.

For example, sometimes as in introvert, I try to pretend that I’m not. I buy into the voices that tell me I don’t really need ‘me-time’ or that I am fine being amongst others 24/7. Or, I allow myself to struggle with the fact that I’m an adult and can take time out for myself if I want to, but fall into an unwarranted sense of pressure to not be ‘anti-social’. Yet, every time I listen to these voices or forget who I really I am, there is a downward spiral.

Eventually, I hit bottom, and like a grenade, can wound anyone around me from the shrapnel that flies with the explosive landing. Then, I have to climb my way back to even ground by rebuilding the scaffolds I destroyed on the way down, but are necessary to support my existence in the ‘balanced’ world.

To many, it is boring and horribly predictable to be so-called balanced. In every day terms, this means going to bed around the same time, getting up around the same time, eating a healthy diet, avoiding toxins whether liquid or human, etc. As many who know me are aware, I achieve this by setting alarms for these regular activities. I also plan, organize, make lists, etc. That’s not to say I don’t plan for spontaneity! 😛

For those who enjoy a more “chaotic” way of life, (and I imagine are extroverts) this may seem like a ridiculous way to live. Yet, for me, it is comforting. When I step out of the soft boundaries I have created, the unstable waves of the never-ending ocean begin to make me dizzy. If I pretend to be fine or ignore the symptoms, I eventually end up sick and tired (literally – I fall asleep when motion sick). Like when sick, I lose my voice and ability to stand to be seen.

Therefore, my mental health and sanity depend on reflecting and being self-aware. I think it’s important to share and know that we are not alone in how we feel or make our way through the world we live. While our experiences may be unique, we are never truly alone (much to an introvert’s dismay! 😉 )

My takeaway is, that no matter how much I might try to protect myself by building walls for whatever reason, in the end no one really benefits. Thus, with that, I am releasing my voice and bringing myself back into color and focus!

Watch out! 😛

~T 😀