Sumo January 2019 Tokyo Tournament

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 042019
 

Back in the day, I used to really love sumo. I would watch it regularly on Japanese TV as something of an oddity in the culture.

My early days of studying Japanese was challenging because I really had no appreciation for much of its culture despite learning the language. Perhaps it was too close to my own unknown mother culture that I thought it a betrayal to both my native and adopted ones. Perhaps when I was learning about other worlds I was still uncomfortable in my own. Perhaps it really boils down to my lack of experiences outside of my own survival. Whatever the reason, I found Japanese culture more than foreign.

However, my high school Japanese teacher worked hard to encourage us to find aspects of the culture that we could like. It was through her efforts that I became interested in sumo.

In the midst of unfamiliarities, mankind can generally find commonality in sport. While most Western countries enjoy inflicting pain at seemingly all costs to win, the traditional sport of sumo wrestling has the perfect Japanese twist.

The bouts are generally quick once the fight begins with one man getting pushed out of the ring or falls to the ground. Yet before the fight starts there is a process of squatting, lifting legs, throwing salt and pysching out the opponent. Aside from the strutting like any good cock fight, there is a spiritual element of  calling on a Shinto god to help them win the fight. This intertwining of the simple and complex defines my understanding of Japan.

When I attended a tournament before, it was to enjoy the sport and see a superficial side of the sport. This time, being definitely older and only somewhat wiser, I enjoyed it on a different level. Possibly sitting closer to the action helped as well. ;D

In any case, I recommend it as an experience of something so strange and at the same time so simple.

Here are some pics from the great day of sumo wrestling!

Sumo Jan 2019 / Google Photos

~T 😀

Tidying Up!

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 232019
 

Sometimes I wish that I had more of a business mind to take my interests and turn them into something that makes money. Or, that at least I had known it was an option earlier in my life. I know it’s never too late and I do have some ideas brewing that could generate income, but for the moment, just read on as I half lament and half feel inspired. 😛

In my early adulthood, I remember saying that I wish I could get paid to organize people’s homes because I love it.

Then, some 20 years later, Marie Kondo hit the bestseller list and now has her own TV show. I suppose it’s timing and circumstances, plus more ambition for such things than I have/had.

Instead, I’ve read her book and devoured her show on Netflix as I share her excitement in seeing a mess turn into organized bliss. Plus, the changes that occur in a person through the process is worth even more. Perhaps, this is actually the real draw to my love of organizing and positive change. Besides, there are always the extreme hoarders that I definitely would not want to have to try to organize and would make me doubt a full-time effort in such an area. (See, there’s always another perspective! 😛 )

Anyway, along the vein of tidying up, we have been working on our own house in terms of our physical belongings. As I posted a couple months back, I threw away bags and bags of papers that I had taken all over the world (literally) with me. On top of that, during the recent winter break, we went through clothes and closets getting rid of more unnecessary things in our home. It’s still an ongoing process that requires baby steps, but it’s a refreshing activity when more space is created allowing an air of lightness and joy to replace it.

The new year’s period in Japan is a time spent cleaning the house to make more space for what the coming year has to bring. The act of cleaning has a spiritual element as well, which I can appreciate. There is something about the cold breeze and bright sun that allows a refreshing air to enter the home (briefly before we turn on the heat!) as a way of starting the new year cleansed.

Something we don’t often talk about, though, is tidying up our relationships or the energies that we both give off and receive.

However, this is also necessary from time to time.

Therefore, I am somewhat tidying up my relationships with others. While I want to remain compassionate and understanding of others’ perspectives and where they are in their lives, due to my sensitivity to others’ energies, I have committed myself to no longer enabling the dark clouds to enter my light space.

Through tidying up my mind in daily meditation and releasing my thoughts regularly in my journal (combination bullet and daily diary as well) as well as posting more here, I find that I am better able to maintain my own joy and focus. Although we do not live in isolation, nor is it healthy despite my wistfulness for such a life, we can take control and responsibility for how we let others affect us.

Since I know that when someone writes or shares a “woe-is-me” kind of story it affects my mood, I have determined not to promote it by giving positive reinforcement towards the comments. Or, if someone moans and groans about something in the office or their lives, I will not indulge the pity party that is often desired.

Now, this is a delicate balance because I, by no means, wish to be insensitive to the fact that sometimes we just need to release our thoughts and feelings to those whom we trust and are close enough to. It’s an honor to be such a person for someone. However, if I provide a positive response to encourage that person to see the situation in a different light and s/he doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to shift their perspective, then there is not much I can do. Also, I’m not responsible for their shift, unless I’m in a ‘life coach’ role (in which case I’m paid or expected to fulfill that role). Therefore, in order to walk in the light, as Olivia Pope in Scandal often says, I have to rise above just being a ‘listening ear’ and ‘shoulder to cry on’ if it threatens to bring me down as well.

There is a lot of angst in the world and we all have our phases or days in life that are less than shiny. I’m not immune either. However, we have choices. We can choose how we respond to others. We can choose how much we let affect us. We can choose how much time we spend with people. We can choose the actions, words, and steps that we take in our lives. We can’t control the results that come from it, but with each choice, we must know that there will be a consequence of some kind.

So, in some cases, my choices in tidying up may have negative results – it’s happened before – or they may have positive ones. Either way, I’m content if it helps me to fulfill my goals and purpose in life to inspire others to walk into the light and shine with their best foot forward. 😀

While I may not be ‘tidying up’ just physical spaces (neither is the KonMari method), I am enjoying a lighter space in my mind and heart. So, beware if you’re a person in my life who’s not quite in the same place with all this as I am. I don’t love you less nor do I judge you more. I accept you are where you are. I offer my love always. However, you may see or hear a bit less from me.

**Disclaimer – please understand that never on any circumstances would I ever turn someone away or not make time for someone if they really need my help. Those who know me, know, my love and loyalty is deep and forever.**

But, for the superficial levels, you’re on your own! 😛

~T 😀

Flexible Inflexibility

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 182019
 

It has been a while since I have checked in about my ups and downs. Somehow, they seem to be less frequent or, at least, less obvious to me. Perhaps, I should ask my husband, though! 😛

Actually, with my middle-aged body changes, I really don’t know if my moods and energy levels are related to hormones or the bipolar tendencies.

What I do know is that I need to maintain balance and calm to avoid being tired or feeling stressed.

One method that works well for me is following a set schedule every day, and that mostly includes the weekends and holidays too.

It may not work for everyone (though most self-help books back me up) and my schedule doesn’t always work for others in my life, but it is necessary for me to stay focused and contributes to my overall satisfaction with myself.

My husband would probably say that it is a bit dramatic, but my sensitivity levels to the world are high causing me more stress than it does for others – like him. Being around people (that really means ALL people) drains my energy and when living in a place like Tokyo, it drains faster like my iPhone battery when connected to too many bluetooth devices. The more connections or interactions I have, the more tired I get.

At the moment, I’m listening to Trevor Noah’s autobiography, Born A Crime, on Audible when I run out of podcasts for the week. I’m trying to fill my mind with a bit less true crime and more about the world or stories in general, especially inspiring ones (that’s not to say I’m not still completely obsessed, just dialing it down a bit 😛 ). Also, I find that with running, I can stay away from wondering when my run is finished while listening to a book more than if it is a short-timed podcast or even songs that end and allow me to get distracted. Anyway, I digress. He has a line that says,

“I was good at being alone. I’d read books, play with the toy that I had, make up imaginary worlds. I lived inside my head. I still live inside my head. To this day you can leave me alone for hours and I’m perfectly happy entertaining myself. I have to remember to be with people.” 

― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

This fits me to a ‘T’ as well.

So, this might be the year that I travel and do more for myself and my family, but see other people less. And, I’m okay with that.

Life has its phases and perhaps this is just one where the Cancerian side of me draws back in to my shell to refresh and revive for future phases.

Also, to keep a handle on my ups and downs, sticking to a schedule and planning ahead maintains an even keel for me and for others around me. It allows my mind, body, and soul to maintain a sense of freedom and control that keeps the pendulum ticking at an even pace. To me, this is balance and perfection for life.

Therefore, for my friends who read this blog and wonder why I might cancel (though I am a notorious serial canceler 😐 ) or not reach out as much as I normally would/do, it’s nothing personal to you – it’s me, not you 😀 .

Seriously, though, I do still appreciate the need for flexibility in life. So, as long as it does not affect my inflexibility with schedules to stay on target with my goals, I promise to be flexible with what remains. 😉

~T 😀

Responsibility

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 162019
 

A conversation with a friend has stayed with me when she once asked her father why he didn’t force her to learn Spanish even though it was her parents’ mother tongue. She shared her father’s response as: he was too busy trying to make a living and needing English to care for the family that it was up to her to learn the language or not. 

Along the same vein, I have often wondered about people who play the ‘victim’ card or blame their parents for one thing or another having gone wrong in their lives. At what age or point in life do we take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts, and results in our lives?

In my early childhood there were a lot of people I could blame. I also could have ended up a completely different person had circumstances been different or had I stayed in one family or another. Yet, not once did it occur to me to think that it was anyone’s fault. Or, if anyone was to blame, I often blamed myself wondering what I had done wrong or what was wrong with me as a person.

When I was eight, I developed a “personal relationship with Jesus”, as born-again Christians like to put it. Over time, I have revised the wording, but I have faith in a greater power that I call a combination of God the Father and the Universe. Some time in my teens as I was attending church and doing a lot of Bible studying, I developed a belief that I was undoubtedly the foot or the ass in the body of Christ. Every part of the body has a purpose, but some get the full weight of being sat or stomped upon more than other parts. It was really the only way I could put rhyme or reason to why I had faced my early life challenges before I had even had a chance to be a bad person.

Then, for a period of time, I sadly had accepted that perhaps God just didn’t like me. I think ‘hate’ might have been the term I used as I cried in the truck while talking to my dad about being depressed and generally unhappy in life. It was a darker teenage-angst period of life and conversations between me and my parents swirled around this idea.

My dad and I always had our most meaningful chats while on the road. He seemed to like driving around and I liked just hanging out with him. He always could make me laugh – he still does – with silly comments/jokes or he’d challenge me to think in a different way with his sometimes annoying questions of ‘Why do you think ~?’. On this occasion, I blurted out my frustration in believing that God hated me.

Not being much of a religious man and not sure of his own beliefs, my father replied with ‘I don’t know if there’s a God. I do believe there is a higher power or greater being or whatever you want to call it. I think things just happen to people. It’s our job to figure out the reason and to deal with it the best way we can, but it’s definitely not a matter of being hated.’ or something to this effect. They were the wisest words that I had heard and almost as if God the Father were speaking to me directly through my earthly one.

It was then that I learned the essence of being responsible for my own actions, thoughts, words, and way of life, even though I didn’t yet know Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. Or, the other self-help type words that are trending or commonly used in yoga, wellness, and psychology today.

My father’s words, reinforced by what I’ve learned throughout life via experiences, reading, and others I meet, taught me that I am the only one I am responsible to and for.

We take joint responsibility for loved ones, partners, etc., but we are not solely responsible for another’s happiness or satisfaction in life. It is up to that person to make their own choices. Learn Spanish if you want to learn it. Take trips if you want to travel. Go out and meet people if you want more friends. Experience everything if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. Set your goals and take the steps you need to achieve them – whatever they may be.

If we fail at life or our goals according to our own standards, then we only have ourselves to blame. At the same time, if we feel overwhelmed by the goals we have set, it is within our power to adjust them so that they can be achieved. There’s no need to try to find someone else to blame.

So, as I take my steps forward this year towards reaching the goals I have set before me, I look to myself (and partially to my husband, family, and friends 😛 ) to be responsible for my success or failure.

~T 😀

What’s Your Sign?

 Going Mental, Writing  No Responses »
Jan 142019
 

Cancerian Red Dragon. Oh, and I’m an INTJ.

You may not be a believer of horoscopes or zodiac characters or the Myers-Briggs personality types. You may be one to say that every horoscope or description of a ‘type’ can fit just about anyone. Or, you may just not like being typecast to fit into one stereotype.

The reality is that whether we like it or not, we do fit into certain sets of characteristics. Joseph Campbell is famous for creating archetype characters in his _The Hero with a Thousand Faces_ based on heroes from myths around the world. Many authors use this as a foundation for their literary heroes and antagonists.

We are humans and humans are such because we share common characteristics. This is not to say that we belong in boxes or an encouragement/promotion of stereotyping individuals. I do not condone or agree with such behavior, especially when it results in negativity and ignorant actions.

What I’m saying is that as far as a category of characteristics go, I’m an INTJ Cancerian Red Dragon!

The above probably sounds as if I am writing in circles, but let me go deeper.

As everyday normal human beings on this planet, we struggle to find the balance between being unique and fitting in.

In the west, we learn that we should be independent, free-thinkers, and forge our own destinies. In the east, we learn that we should be in harmony with others in a collective movement that stems back to tribal existences. Yet, in our global society, it is a daunting and overwhelming mental exercise to figure out what is the ‘best’ way to go about living our lives.

It has long been discussed that perhaps the ‘exotic’ Eastern ways are more in tune with our true selves. If we consider the poignant role of social media, the need to find our ‘tribes’, hashtags to unite us, etc., then perhaps there is some truth to the fact that a collective way of life is the more natural and preferred way for a healthy and balanced existence – not to say that we, as a global society, are anywhere near achieving this.

Since I was eight-years-old, I knew that my life was ‘different’. Aside from the obvious fact that I was an international adoptee who clearly did not look like her family, I had a less traditional path to get to the eventual settling of my life into a ‘normal’ childhood. When I acknowledged that I was finally living what most considered to be the norm, I realized that perhaps there were others out there like me, who did not know that they weren’t alone on the paths that were before them. Therefore, I decided I wanted to write. I began journaling to remember what I knew I easily forgot and to take note of what was seemingly the mundane actions of my day to days.

As time passed, I veered away from this dream of writing for others and sharing my life with those who may be like me or those who were so extremely different from me that my life may seem unbelievable. However, now that middle-age is settling in and the sense of not giving a ‘fart’ about others’ opinions is dominant, I return to making this dream a reality.

My sense of wanting to fit in is no longer an issue. The chip on my shoulder that I carry about being unlike others has gotten smaller – not gone, but less burdensome to myself. 😛

Still, as a friend of mine wrote to me recently about the struggle to find good friends, it is a challenge to find like-minded individuals or just people who are not so completely consumed in themselves or their lives to share a bond with. Those I have found mean more to me than I am able to express (though I should probably try harder!).

So, I return to defining myself in the horoscopes, zodiacs, and Myers-Briggs. If you read this, or this, then you might see what I mean. Or, you might not.

For me, at least it is a kind of crutch I can use to understand myself a bit better. It helps me to rationalize why perhaps I do actually think differently than most and I’m totally ok with that fact, even perhaps proud of it. It helps me to have confidence in my life choices and experiences. Mostly, it helps me to realize that there is perhaps a real place for my writing and a perfect timing for it to become a lifetime reality to share it with the world.

This is all to say, stay tuned for more regular posts – for real in 2019 – and a promise that within this year, I will either be self-publishing or looking to publish a couple of books about life from my eyes as The Universal Asian (coming soon!).

~T 😀

Keeping My Head Up

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 122018
 

It’s been a number of years since I noticed that I was suffering from numbness and tingling in my extremities. It was always more noticeable after I had imbibed too much, so I chalked it up to my body’s way of telling me to lay off on the vice.

However, as time went on, I’d feel numbing now and then even when I hadn’t drank anything. Still, rather than think anything of it, I just ignored it.

For most of my life, I have been fairly healthy. I’ve gotten a few bugs here and there, but other than a case of ‘whooping cough’ when I was a preteen, I don’t remember much physically keeping me down.

When I started doing yoga, I became aware of my weak shoulders and neck. With regular practice for my teacher training, they gained strength and if I think back, I had less pain or tingling and numbness.

After moving to Japan and decompressing from the desert life, I have done less yoga due to work and adjusting to a new lifestyle. Also, my body has been slowly making it clear to me that I have hit my 40s. However, the truth is that I don’t really know what that phrase means.

My girl friends and I have recently lamented (commiserated) together that the topics of peri menopause, menopause, aging, etc. are not topics of discussion amongst ourselves or with other women in our lives. We all know our mothers went through tough phases around this age, but none of us know why or what exactly they were going through.

I remember very clearly wondering if my parents were going to last as it seemed my mom was always angry and my dad was either confused as to why or trying to ‘mansplain’ her out of it – neither of which had positive results. 😛 However, as I enter the same decade that this was starting for my mother, I think maybe now I can partially understand what was going on.

Recently, there are times when I have deep rage towards the world ranging from why I stubbed my toe on a stool to the dominance of the white people to the unadopted to climate change and beyond. If you ask me to explain myself, I would likely look at you with disdain for the question – just ask my husband. In the end, I would probably not have an answer for you because I cannot explain or justify or understand the rage myself. Yet, it is there – not to be denied. And, generally-speaking I am not an angry person. Short of patience or a bit of a whiner (wine-o?) maybe, but not raging angry.

Most of the time, my husband and I chalk it up to accepting that I have hit an early peri-menopause period of life. The random rage cannot be helped (much). The constant unknown of my Aunt Flo visits (or never-ending stay) is the new reality.

Then, if that weren’t bad enough, I have been told that my body has started the degenerative process.

After visiting a neurologist to see if my tingling and numbness was related to nerve damage and taking a series of random medications, I gave that up to try a sports chiropractor. He was great giving me massages to loosen the obviously tight muscles in my neck and cracking my spine back into alignment. Truthfully, this seemed to really be working, but not so much for my wallet since he wasn’t covered by my health insurance. When the tingling and numbness returned along with a twist of my back that knocked me out of commission for almost two weeks, I visited an orthopedic.

My first visit was for my back, so I did not mention the numbing. One thing at a time, right?

However, as it seemed the problem had worsened, I went in again this week to be told:

*I have a frozen shoulder. This means my shoulder ligaments are stiffening and reducing free movement. This affects not only my movement but also my trapezius muscles, which explains why my upper back is always tight and sore. Some exercises and water injections seem to be the course of action for now. I’ll be doing some targeted yoga poses and weights to address this on my own.

*More concerning in the future, is that I have a bone spur coming out of my C2 cervical spine, which is pushing on my spinal cord. This is likely the cause of my migraines and the source of my right arm numbness. It may have worsened over the years; thus, I notice it more now. The only treatment at the moment seems to be electro-treatment and light massages.

These two issues boil down to the fact that I am aging – or at least my body is. It seems to be common among women and there isn’t much to be done. Apparently, there is nothing really to worry about as long as I’m aware and deal with it. Still, no one likes to be told they are ‘old’. 😉

Ultimately, though, I actually wonder how it hadn’t worsened faster considering that I look at my phone with my head down during most of my train rides, which can be a minimum of 40 minutes to two hours (one-way) depending on the day. As I walk around, I tend to drop my head as a way of greeting those I pass by. Through most of the day, my head is forward and down as I carry on my own thoughts and conversations in my private world. If I’m not doing that, then I am on the computer with my neck strained forward and slightly down to look at the monitor or to read materials on my desk. If I try to put a number to how much time I spend with my head down, I’d say it is likely to be 90% of my waking hours. This is crazy!

So, I’ve been trying to keep my head up. If I use my phone on the train, I try to hold it at eye level – muscle training as well, so double bonus. I try not to use my phone at all while walking. Instead of keeping my head down as a greeting, I simply nod and smile making eye contact. This feels somehow a lot more personable, though it may slightly freak out those who pass me by. 😛 There’s not too much I can do at work, but I have been lifting my papers to read and taking more breaks away from the desk throughout the day.

Although I may not be able to stop the conversations in my private little world, I can at least try to see the world around me to merge the dreamland into the real one. 😉

Still, it is a rather hard pill to swallow and accept – aging cannot be defied. If my mind doesn’t accept it, my body will make sure I know. Of course, the world will not end and the door to death is not so close yet that I should have any concerns. However, mortality has finally entered my consciousness causing me to re-evaluate – Am I prepared for this middle-aged truth?

The answer still evades me, but in the meantime, I’ll just keep holding my head up!

~T 😀

 Posted by at 17:30

Turkey for Turkeys

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Nov 262018
 

My all-time favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. Although there is some controversy in recent years around the origins of the holiday, I ignore all the politicking of it and focus on what it means to me.

Some people argue that they like Christmas better because, in the US, it’s not that much different from Thanksgiving except that we exchange presents. However, for me the consumerism attitude is not necessary. Therefore, I prefer the third Thursday in November as my main holiday of the year.

Of course, as a lover of food, one of the best aspects of Thanksgiving is having delicious turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans and the lot passed around the table.

Still, even better than the good food, is the great company. To me, Thanksgiving is a time to gather with family and friends-who-are-family. As I prepare dishes to share, I marinate in gratitude for these people in my life. I feel honored to have such a connection to those whom I call family and friends.

Over the years, I’ve shared Thanksgiving with not only Americans, but friends from around the world. It’s a time to enjoy being together.

It is also a time to reflect and express thanks for the many blessings in our lives. During the year, time passes quickly and lives are full with activities of worry or flurry. Thanksgiving is a day when we can stop, take a breath, and appreciate all that we have in our lives from the smallest of things to the greatest of joys.

So, although I was not able to be physically with my family to celebrate this year, I still shared my favorite holiday with those around me as we ate, laughed and were very merry for a day of Thanks-giving.

~ T 😀

Here are some photos from the day:

Retreating

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 092018
 

When the sun and moon align, people gather together to view the phenomenon with the promise of each time being the ~est in our lifetimes. Yet, it is this equilibrium and balance that awes us and, despite all the fanfare and build up, lasts mere moments.

Our life experiences are similar. Though we do not always see the build up or understand the fanfare (aka drama) that we go through, we do live for those mere moments. Yet, there are also times when our focus is so much on the build up and drama that we miss the brief moment that it was all meant for. It is only when we have the luxury of time and reflection that we sometimes find light in the shadows.

In 2017, I had high hopes for life and was on a path that I thought was taking me to a better version of myself and my life. In fact, contrary to my usual avoidance in making New Year’s Resolutions, I set out quite a list of them for that year. Unfortunately, other than managing to finish my RYT500 yoga teacher training, I did very little in terms of the goals I had laid out. (Lesson being I’m probably not going to do that again! 😛 )

However, with somewhat disbelief that nearly two years have passed since our lives were quite different from now, I have been given the luxury of time and reflection to see the light in the shadows of those darker days when it seemed that there was no way out.

When we moved to Japan again, I took some time away from the world of yoga and mindful meditation. I didn’t have time to focus any energy on that as we had to go into survival and rebuilding mode. It was what was needed at the time, and still is to some degree for the foreseeable future. Still, as the Universe and God continue to bless us, some potential possibilities were building up to the forefront of reality.

In an early conversation about possibly getting to the point in our life to again think about traveling or taking some time to decompress at a retreat, my BFF mentioned that she follows someone on Instagram who hosts yoga and meditation retreats in Japan. I took note for later, as we were nowhere near a place to be considering such a thing seriously. Then, proving that the Universe knows, she forwarded me an article that came out interviewing the host of the retreats with more details about it. I again saved it for a later date since the timing was in the summer and we were just starting to touch our feet to the ground again.

Over the months, with the help of some secret-ing, we avoided attracting too much drama and instead focused on the alignment of our lives in all areas, as much as possible. Through this, the Universe and God conspired together to align timing and funding; thus, creating the opportunity to be able to attend the Dairyuji Yoga and Mindfulness Retreat in the very local city of Oga located in Akita Prefecture. 

Literally everything aligned.

I was able to leave work early and take the five-hour trip from Tokyo to Oga for a meaningful and refreshing weekend.

Meeting G & K, our hosts, was like reading an inspirational book that reignites a flame of hope in humanity. Their kindness and openness was as fresh as the country ocean air surrounding the Oga peninsula. 

For a yoga/mindfulness retreat, this one was an easy way to get my feet wet as a first-time experience. I don’t know about others, but my image of some retreats is more hard-core yoga practice and inescapable focus on being “spiritual”. 

Perhaps because of the environment of the temple itself, or perhaps because of the people themselves, there wasn’t a need to be pushy. If anything, they could perhaps have been pushier with a bit more yoga and meditation time. However, if the aim was to provide a relaxing retreat environment with an opportunity to explore mindfulness and try some yoga, this was a success.

As an added bonus, I made connections with people whom I may never see again, and yet I feel were purposeful interactions drawing a nearly full circle from past to present. I think I’ve said before that I believe all connections have meaning and though I may not fully know what they are now, I hold them close in anticipation for a later revelation.

So, I will let the pictures speak for themselves as I consider the next possible, perhaps more hard-core, retreat in the future! 😉

Dairyuji-Oga Yoga/Meditation Retreat_Oct2018 / Google Photos

~T 😀

 

Purpose

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 022018
 

Sunny days in Japan means that it’s a laundry day. One can see clothes hanging on balconies outside throughout the city. The decision on when to do laundry is not really left to one’s own schedule or choice, but is instead determined by the whims of nature.

In this, I ponder a parallel in wondering how much free choice we truly have, or are we already fulfilling what the universe has determined that we should be doing?

Perhaps our freedom of choice lies is in deciding when to stop refusing to take the path meant for us? Perhaps, then, our unhappiness and discontent is in our stubbornness in believing we know a better way….

Sometimes (OK, most of the time!), it is easier to see what other people should or should not be doing with their  lives than in our own. So, lately, I have been trying to remove the judging instinct and reflect….

I question regularly if I am avoiding a path before me? Am I refusing to see a way that is meant to be? Am I afraid to take a road less traveled?

My instinct says, “No!”

But, the truth is, I really don’t know.

My ego wants to believe that I am slightly more aware and in tune with myself than most and yet… perhaps I am deluded.

Maybe I just don’t know what I don’t know, or don’t want to know it.

The best way I do know how to judge myself objectively (if it’s even possible) is by my mental state. Given the fact that I have tendencies for extreme ups and downs, if I am fairly even keeled mentally, then I tend to think I am on the right path. When my mental state gets unbalanced, then perhaps it is because I have started to meander off the best trajectory.

With that as a working gauge, these days, I’m definitely feeling more and more on an even keel. My wheel of life actually feels like it is starting to even out so that all spokes of the wheel are moving forward smoothly.

My job is good. My finances are improving. My health is stable. My friendships are strong (at least from my perspective 😛 ). My love life is fabulous. My free time is spent pleasurably.

All in all, I am more content with life than I have been for a long time. I generally feel at peace in my heart and mind. While I may complain about various aspects of life here and there about decisions to be made – as any normal person does -, I do feel quite satisfied with where I am.

With all that said, I do have a sense that there is more I should/could be doing. I’m never one to just be content with life – even when all is good! 😉

So, while I have renewed my own practice in yoga and meditation, I am not teaching it again (yet). While I have settled into a job and made the circumstances as ideal as I can, I’m not fulfilled or satisfied enough with just that. Therefore, maybe it’s time to start taking steps towards doing more….

As I contemplate this, I also come to a revised understanding of knowing whether or not I’m on the right track. When everything in my life is aligned, then opportunities seem to open up serendipitously. The idea that those who have get more chances to have more seems to be true in a way. This is not a boast in any way, but I am aware that when my life is in balance I am able to see more than when my focus is on particular aspects of life. A bit like ‘seeing the forest for the trees’ rather than ‘the trees for the forest’.

In my next post, I’ll share with you what I think is an example of what I’m trying to say here….

~T 😀

The Self: Part 2

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 242018
 

This week has been #singlelife for me as M is away visiting family. It’s the first time in almost two years that we have been apart for so long or without stress related to our time apart.

Even though I obviously miss him, it has been a fruitful time for me. 

For a while now, maybe a couple of years, I have felt less like myself despite how I may have appeared on the outside. There are a number of factors that probably contributed to this:  quitting my job (something I really wanted/needed to do), massive financial struggles, changes in lifestyle, etc. etc. During this period of time, I had to depend on other people like I have never ever done before and it is something that I am NOT very good at doing. 

With an early childhood like mine, where there was no one to depend on unconditionally, I naturally learned to rely only on myself for that which I held dear. I shared nothing of value to me with anyone – even with those whom I had grown to trust and love. 

The truth is that I would dare to say that a very small number of people in my life truly know me:  know what makes me cry (because emotions are sacred to me), know what my deepest thoughts about the world are, know what is actually important to me when it comes to this life and those I love, or know my expressions in all that I value. 

As a young idealistic youth, I thought that if people really wanted to know me, they would make the effort to discover these things about me and if they didn’t, well, I was just fine on my own without them. However, recent experiences have shown me that the opaque walls I built around me to give others the impression that they knew me, but they didn’t, aren’t necessary anymore – if they ever really were. 

These days, I return to some of my core values and beliefs.

I have always valued connections – whether positive or negative. People and experiences are what enrich our lives. When we close ourselves off by demanding that meet ups with others be on our terms or not at all, we only close the door to our own enrichment. When we say that we just need ‘me-time’ or that we cannot be ‘arsed’ to make an effort, we are really letting ourselves down.  When we make excuses of time, money, energy or whatever millions of other reasons we can find to justify why our self-centeredness is more important and more meaningful than opening the doors to others, then we are only limiting ourselves.

We, as individuals, can do anything. We can see the world. We can meet anyone. We can have more money than we need. We can have unlimited amounts of energy. We can make a contribution to society no matter how great or small.

How? By letting go of the self. Nothing and no one is ever alone. If we feel that we are, we only have ourselves to blame for our pushing away, for our blindness, for our lack of acceptance, for our lack of reaching out and asking.

If I had not valued the connections I had made over the years, there is no doubt in my mind the past few years would have been a million times worse than they were. Because of those connections (you know who you are), I am able to look back now with a smile and a sardonic laugh. I look back with extreme amounts of gratitude and love. I look back with limitless amounts of appreciation for the willingness to drop everything or give unconditionally to help me when asked, knowing that it was not an easy thing for me to do. There is no way that I can ever express enough how their SELFlessness helped me when I needed it the most.

In yoga philosophy, we study about the ego. We contemplate how the ego, or self, keeps us from true harmony in our lives – inside and out. While I never thought of myself as overly egotistical, I was definitely all about mySELF:  self-confidence, self-reliance, self-care, self-help, and the list could go on. I had bought in to the idea that truly taking care of number one could only be done by yours truly. 

Yet, as I discover the falsity of this way of thinking, I unexpectedly find myself more content and at peace. 

Of course, this does not mean that I retract my claim of ‘not liking people’. 😛 It just means that, despite the irony of having time on my own to come to this realization, it is not always in my best interest – or any of ours – to focus so much on myself. Instead, I hope to restart embracing more connections and gaining experiences that enrich not only my life, but also help me to make whatever contribution I can back to others and the world in whatever way the Universe and God have planned for me.

~T 😀

 Older Entries  Newer Entries