Creative Meanderings

There is a delicate balance between just enough angst to stimulate creativity and maintaining the joy of contentment. When I think that I have achieved this balance, there is a sense of wariness and unease as to when it might all go off the rocker. I blame this on PTSD rather than skepticism or pessimism. However, the real truth is that everything is temporary, even the calm.

Instead, the literature and talk in psychology or world of mindfulness/meditation is to maintain your ‘cool’ when the carefully balanced blocks do fall down, because they inevitably will.

For me, I get these tightened gut moments when I am not writing regularly or being physically lazy even though my mind tries to tell me that this is what I really want or need.

Take for example, yesterday. I finally joined a gym in my neighborhood – a sign that life is settling and we are stabilizing. Yesterday was the first day of my ‘contract’. I made a weekly plan for the classes I can take and the times I’ll go to use the gym equipment. With my schedule this week, I can do classes in the evening on Monday, Thursday and Friday with gym time on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. The weekends are a kind of “play-it-by-ear” method since our plans are fluid and I try to remain open to ‘spontaneous’ activity on the weekends. So, I had a rather long ‘intellectual’ day with an early morning lesson and felt tired on the way home. I had an internal struggle with myself about whether or not to go to the gym since the timing was off where I had to wait 30 minutes for the hot yoga class. Asking for others to tell me what to do, my hubby reminded me that I always feel better after I exercise.

He was right. Although I disliked the waiting, I felt so much better having fulfilled my plan for the day and getting in exercise. It even motivated me more to get to the gym this morning before work. It will take a bit to get into a routine and figure what is best regarding my gear and clothes. Still, I feel more energetic and ‘happy’ having this element back in my life.

Likewise, writing now and getting back to my journal writing regularly helps me to feel more balanced and stable. With these outlets to both release and receive energy, I can let go of any doubts about the tightrope of life we walk on. Instead of it being a thin rope, I start to see it as a wide path.

All this to say, although I could blame external factors in my life for a lack of balance or my cynicism. The truth is that the responsibility in this life is mine. It’s my responsibility to make choices that help me bring balance, to feel healthy and happy with myself. If I choose to believe in the possibilities of anything and everything, then they become so. The trick is then accepting when the universe and God bring them into fullness in my life!

So, I am owning up to my choices and re-establishing my routines to ensure that this equilibrium I am feeling starts to become the ‘norm’ rather than a rarity.

~T 😀

There are, and have been, moments in my life when a thought comes to me like a vision rather than just a passing idea. When they hit me, and I mean it almost figuratively, it takes some processing to accept it as something meaningful and not just another sign of my “crazy”.

The first time I recognized these moments as having significance was in University.

I used to be good at math, not like a genius, but above average. It was enough that I started my freshman year in a sophomore level course to meet my minimum math requirement. Since math was not that interesting to me, I went through the motions half-aware of its applications to the world. The idea of using math to affect the world was not satisfying to my more creative urges, despite initially wanting to go into international business. Looking back, though, it was probably one of the only classes that kept my attention in terms of challenging me intellectually….

Then, one day it happened.

We sat in groups working on a math problem, applying it to some scenario and I looked up over all the bowed heads. The only sound that could be heard was the quick movement of the pencil lead as my fellow students scratched away at solutions. My out-of-body experience left a voice that said, “This could be your future.”

It was a revelatory experience.

I let my “A” grade slip to a passing “B” by the end of the semester and never took another math class in my life.

While many more minor occurrences have happened since then, I have also suppressed that part of my brain – until recently. Then, it happened again.

As you may know, I have thought a lot on, and written before about, veganism or vegetarianism. Although I have mostly disagreed with the idea of both from a nutrition and health perspective, I am respectful of those who choose this way of eating. However, the other day, I had one of those unexplainable and seemingly crazy out-of-body thinking experiences.

I saw a future out of a science fiction novel, where food (fruit and vegetables) was made in factory-like buildings, not outside on lush green land as one would imagine if there were no animals being eaten. Instead, because we were no longer eating animal meat, there was no need to maintain the land because fruit and vegetables are faster produced in a factory to meet the consumption demand. Despite our desire to move away from processed food, the meat alternatives for burgers, sausages, etc. were created “naturally” by machine production….

Yes, I was fully awake when this hit me. No, I had not taken any drugs or read or seen anything remotely related to this. Quite on the contrary, I had been searching for some new vegan/vegetarian recipes to incorporate more regularly into our diet.

However, now, I am actually a bit unsure quite what to do. The voice left inside me now is saying, “Eat animal meat to prevent this kind of sci-fi reality from coming to fruition”. Yet, I struggle with the desire to not promote harmful animal farms and also maintain a balanced nutritional diet.

So, for now, I not any closer to giving up meat – in fact, I feel a little bit more of an ‘activist’ the other way….

~T 😀

One of my favorite TV shows is Criminal Minds. Aside from the obvious reason that it satisfies my increasingly morbid fascination with crime, death, and the psychology of murder, I also love it because it has delved into character development, which touches on why people would do that kind of job. My takeaway from nearly every episode is that they are doing something meaningful, significant, and impactful on other’s lives. They may glamorize it for TV, but they also make it clear that it’s not always easy to follow what they feel called to do. Even the character/actor changes has been done with a realistic sense that the job is not always worth it at any cost.

So, then I think 🤔, if people can risk their lives, sacrifice their personal lives, and still make a difference, then what is impossible about my dream to write or do something that is more meaningful, significant and impactful?

Perhaps, because I am starting to grasp the reality of aging and watching the youth grow into adults, I am struck by a stronger than usual sense of frustration in watching others – young and older – live life inefficiently and with lackluster. At the same time, I recognize my own self-limiting way of thinking in not really doing anything purposeful to influence those I can to change perspective or be motivated to do more.

Sure, I can find a lot of reasonable excuses, but they are still excuses.

Therefore, despite filling my mind with stories of those who can no longer do anything in this world, I am somehow awakened to what is possible among the living. I never want my story to be – “she always talked and wrote about wanting to write or share her story in hopes of making a difference”. Instead, I hope that when my time comes people will say – “she influenced me to be a better person through her writing.”

Then, I would feel as if I have fulfilled a purpose.

So, to do this I am going to do a bit of research – yes, of course! I need a bit of help in creating a functional structure to make this happen. Just like we say with yoga, when a teacher is ready students will come, when the book is written readers will buy and read it!

Stay tuned for more on this soon!

~T 😀

Last week when I missed my intended train stop for the second time in as many days, and then this week having nearly left my phone behind twice, I decided that perhaps my brain is in need of a bit of a break.

Generally, I am on top of things even when I am trying to convince myself that the myth of multitasking is the real myth. However, this morning, i actually wrote this sentence:

“I currently have the kettle boiling, laundry going, bath heating, news playing and pen in hand for writing.”

The only actions that involved my effort were listening to the news and writing, yet I was not really doing either one that well.

So, while I could say it is ‘hormones’ or perhaps it is a bit of ‘spring fever’, I think the real truth is that I need to slow down a bit. This should be more obvious to me as I am spending more time reading these days, which is usually a sign that I am using escapism for some reason. Although, I do not necessarily feel “off”, I am trying harder to be in the present moment rather than buried into electronics or a million other activities.

This is enough of a reminder for me to be more disciplined with my meditation….

~T 😀

The other day, for the first time, I voiced the words I have written about my thoughts on feeling as if there must be more purpose to my life than what I am currently doing.

It is not a matter of being dissatisfied nor is it a sense of being lost. It’s not a midlife crisis or a lack of identity. Rather, it’s just an acceptance or hope that this is a temporary routine.

I like my work overall. The routine and mundane is a comfort over the alternative of not knowing when or how bills will get paid. Still, now that the dust is settling, I’m seeing what lies behind the swirls and aspire for more. This might be just part of a blurred view of what is there, but my gut is telling me to keep seeking something.

It feels more like a sense of settling down and setting up ‘home’ more solidly, which requires our things to be shipped and some spare money to spend without a loud whisper reminding me of the debts we still owe others.

We are indeed making progress, but it does sometimes feel like it will never end. However, now is not the time to lose heart. Instead, the focus must be on our goals – long & short-term. This is where the idea of the impermanence of the situation comes from, I imagine.

Anyway, if nothing else I’m reading, writing and studying more to give myself little challenges here and there. With patience and perseverance I am sure that everything will go faster. In the meantime, I should celebrate the fact that it seems as if my wheel of life is actually balanced letting it roll smoothly on the path that we are on. 😀

~T 😀