16 Months of Togetherness

 Going Mental  1 Response »
May 202021
 

Yes, pictures are coming, but saving that post for when I have fewer words to share. πŸ˜…

M went on a trip for mostly business, but a little pleasure (for both of us) this week. He left on Tuesday afternoon and returns on Saturday evening.

His original plans were to combine a stop in Spain and Brussels, but the Spain portion got moved, so rather than cancel or limit the Brussels portion, he extended it. Plus, then he’ll still go to Spain next week. πŸ™ŒπŸ½

Now, I’m not going to lie. When the trips were planned initially, I was not for it as the timing was less than ideal. Panic and PTSD rose in me so that my poor husband thought that I wouldn’t let him go at all – ever. He had forgotten that I have been dying for some solitude, quiet, and independence for months – 16 in fact.

However, the timing coincided with having to move out of our rental and head to Italy thereafter along with the fact that I still do not have more than a number to legitimize my being in a foreign country. I think I had a fair point on why he shouldn’t be traipsing off. Though, I probably could have expressed with less drama and emotion, but well… it’s done. πŸ€ͺ

So, when we found out that we had to return to France πŸ‡«πŸ‡· anyway, I was more open to the idea of him going off for a few days – more like ecstatic! 🀣 Even though it meant coming back a bit earlier and paying more money for a place, it has been more than worth it!

While we have ridden out the past year plus quite well and our love remains fully intact, there is a lot to be said for a bit of time apart. Before, I could enjoy quiet moments at home most days with M off to work at his office. Then, we started sharing workspace. Our styles greatly differ by the nature of our work, but also by who we are as individuals. Although he, as an extrovert, wasn’t able to see others and charge up in that way, he could still refill his batteries by venting on the phone, Zoom, etc. Unfortunately, this does not work for an introvert, who needs silence and alone time to recharge. My batteries have been running on low for 16 months…. 16 …

It’s only been two days, but already I can feel a sense of myself again. I have made sure that I see friends each day so that I don’t completely close up into my shell, but my batteries are charging reminding me of who I am when full.

With about two more days to go, I will continue to recharge but also take the opportunity to think about how to bring back the balance for myself once M is back. It’s not like he can go away every week – nor do I really want him to -, but the importance of making sure I can recharge better has been noted. πŸ˜‡

~T πŸ˜€

Europe Phase II Part 2a

 Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad  1 Response »
May 162021
 

Bonjour from France again! πŸ‡«πŸ‡·

So… the Universe heard my pangs of frustration and loneliness by providing us with our plan of action for Phase II Part 1 and 2.

Part 1 Recap

I already covered most of Part 1 in the previous post. We ate as a coping mechanism, but thankfully it was only one real meal a day in early afternoon applying daily intermittent fasting so that our bodies could use as much time as possible to digest the tasty offerings of the Italian cuisine.

Basically, our visa situation both got simpler and more complicated at the same time. Our Internet woes were only really remedied by taking advantage of cafe culture, which generally works best for me anyway, but isn’t as good for running an online magazine as my big screen iMac. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Our plan to move to a bigger place has become reality, only in a different country….

Part 2 – The Visa

It seems that the procurement of the mystical Type-D visa is reasonably straightforward from the Italian embassy. Since our last “residency” is considered France, thanks to M’s ability to get it swiftly and my dependency (not so thankful), we think we don’t have to consider the US aspect for me.

Although we were led to believe that we could simply go to Nice, which isn’t far from where I wanted to be based anyway, to be near my friends, we learned that thanks to the Pandemic C, all consulates have been closed and the only place we can do this visa processing is through Paris.

The upside is that we get to visit Paris. It’s a city that I’m not all that enamored with after visiting it once on my own for a few days in a very cold and wet November a few years back. M loves the charm, which I deem cliche and over-hyped. So, he is determined to show me the reason why it is considered a city of love πŸ‘©β€β€οΈβ€πŸ’‹β€πŸ‘¨ …. We shall see. 😜

Unfortunately, the earliest appointment we could get is for June 10th. This is about a month away. Luckily, the consulate is communicating quickly and clearly via email, so I feel a bit more at ease with that.

So, why are we in France now?

Well, M has to travel around the EU for work. Now that the borders are open again with just a negative PCR, he is eager to go away. As it has been about 15 months since we spent a night apart, I’m equally eager for him to go away. πŸ˜‰

Since M wants to travel and I really cannot go across borders unless by car, where the likelihood of being checked is slimmer, (have done two crossings now and not been stopped 🀞🏽) I felt that it was safer for me to be in France should anything happen as at least I am in the system here for my residency application. Plus, I have friends here and can speak some of the language. I could not say the same for the tiny town that we were living in; and the dark stone-walled apartment that I would end up hiding away was not conducive to stability in my mental health, which is a bit on edge as it is with the stress all of this is applying to my carefully constructed sanity. 🀹🏽

Therefore, we have rented a lovely place near where we were before (and my friends) for the next six weeks. At the time that we rented, we didn’t know that it would be possible to get our visa on the same day as the appointment as we had heard it could take a couple of weeks. So, we wanted to be safe….

We will have to be out the day before my birthday, so am not sure what we will do as that is a long way away and our plans are ever-changing. However, I am already a million times happier having only been here for about four hours. I’ve got my friends on notice and plans in motion. πŸ’ƒπŸ½πŸ₯‚

I’ll share some photos next time. For now, I’m just reveling with lighter air! ✨

~T πŸ˜€

Pause, Reset

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 082021
 

As I cannot breathe through my nose, thanks to allergies, it is even easier to hear me exhale loudly and fully release the dark energies that can easily enter my body and mind.

I’m not a shy person, and I have no aversion to speaking my mind. However, what I have realized (again) is that it doesn’t always serve a meaningful purpose to open my mouth or do anything other than smile and listen.

Since I have arrived in France, and we have settled in with our friends, I have found myself getting caught up in their personal lives. Some are more dramatic than others. Some are more negative than others. Some are more “normal” than others. No matter the situation, the reality is that I do not need to spend time or energy on judging or speculating on their lives. Obviously, if I were asked to be involved, that would be a different kind of conversation, but that is not what I speak of in this case.

I am reminded of Mrs. Rachel Lynde from one of my all-time favorite stories, Anne of Green Gables, who was constantly all up in other people’s business whether or not anyone wanted her to be. While outwardly everyone dislikes her character, we know that she represents a side of every one of us – unless we choose to deny the admittance of this truth. Still, I find that the constancy of being involved in that which is not ours to be so is exhausting and rather depressing, if I’m honest. The frustrating aspect of Mrs. Lynde is that she never stops to consider that perhaps her nose is too regularly plugged up to realize that her breath is never full and so the exhale is never truly cleansing of the dark energies that can fill the body and mind.

Thankfully, I am not that character. Being able to recognize that certain behaviors and thought patterns are not beneficial is a gift that I cherish and am thankful to have been given awareness of. Still, it is easy to get caught up in the whirl of chaos that gets spun.

It is often a point of ponder as to how people manage to maintain an even keel when so much of the world is a swirling dirt cloud like Pig-Pen. It’s easier to see how we can get sucked into the vortex of despair and dismay when social media perpetuates like-mindedness without an off-button, or opportunity, to change the lens filter to realize that there are differing (and acceptable) points of views that are just as legitimate and logical as those we may think, for the moment, are the right ones.

I recently re-listened to the audiobook version of The Hill We Climb by Amanda Gorman. Like most of the world, I am in awe of her words and presence. She feels like a gift and that whiff of air that forces us to breathe deeply because we want to take in more of the scent of hope and inspiration that she has put out into the universe.

This is the kind of inhalation I want to have that breaks past the blockages of my nose so that the light and hope can enter my body and mind. I’m more than happy to push pause on the words that I may be unnecessarily spewing out and reset so that the energy shades I release are ones that further spread the light, joy, and hope into the world in which I am blessed to exist in.

~T πŸ˜€

Feverishly Sprung

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Mar 122021
 

So, the last time I wrote was nearly a month ago; or rather about three weeks already…. My great intentions of writing more for myself have gotten sucked up into magazine work as we are building it up in different ways, work to pay for the magazine, and getting settled into the actual reason that we decided to move to southern France in the first place – the sun and fun!

First, an update: I was denied my application to the silent meditation retreat. I suppose that there are quite a few applicants built up from a year of COVID and numerous other factors. Perhaps it is a sign that it’s not the right time now, or even ever. We shall see. I could apply for the next one, but as our place of residence has become a point of discussion, I think that the saying that “all things work out for a reason” is true in this case.

As for other things going on:

  • Work has been work – not really busy per se, but enough to pay the bills that need paying.
  • The Universal Asian – is growing and expanding into paid online events in collaboration with others in the TUA community, but this means a lot of backend work on my part with the much appreciated help of a small handful of people (whom I do pay).
  • Socializing – By magic, luck, etc. I have met a wonderful group of ladies that have formulated our social circle. Every weekend is basically spent one someone’s for a meal, drinks, and the men play petanque / boule aka “old man game”. During the week, I’ve been meeting the ladies at least once a week. Before, it was lunch or a chat, but this week we started a yoga class. So, for the first time in about three years, I’m back at the front of the mats and it felt great.
  • Enjoying Spring! – At last, the weather is starting to shift. Flowers are in bloom, people are out on Market Days, the sun is shining and warm most days; in other words, allergy season has arrived! πŸ˜›

So, all is well overall. While I feel somewhat stressed on the inside, from the outside I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Therefore, this means that I just need to breathe, pause, smell the flowers (before I sneeze), and enjoy the moments as they are…. for now, anyway! πŸ˜€

~T πŸ˜€

Silence is Golden?

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Feb 232021
 

So, I did it. I submitted an application for a ten-day silent meditation retreat in response to my need and near insanity from being stuck in a small cottage where the walls and doors are more like paper.

My introverted self is suffering a bit from the constant sound of my husband’s voice as he works and uses a lot of ‘words’ throughout the day. Even if I put on headphones, I still have to turn on sound to drown out his chatter, which defeats the need for silence and calm.

Thus, I have my fingers crossed that I will be accepted for this retreat even though it is in May.

Most people think this sounds crazy and people I have spoken to about it say that it is a challenging experience. I am wondering how it will be for me as a lover of quiet and being inside my head. My challenge will be in not being able to write or read when I want an escape from my thoughts or the world. However, I think not having so much distraction around me might not create reason for the escape.

Anyway, stay tuned for when I find out. In the meantime, I am practicing each morning in trying to build up my meditation time as I generally only give 10-20 minutes in the morning after my yoga. If I find out that I am going, then I will start building up my practice even more.

For now, though, it’s proving to be enough to enjoy a few golden moments of silence at the dawn of each new day.

~T πŸ˜€

Midnight Musings

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 092021
 

It’s the middle of the night.

Despite going to bed at my usual time around 9 pm, and shortly falling asleep well before 10 to settle in for my evening slumber, I awoke briefly around 10:30 upon hearing my husband on the phone.

It’s not uncommon these days for him to stay up a bit later, or to rise early, for a phone call as his work connects him with people on various time zones.

However, nearly an hour later, the bed was still empty. So, I called him to bed in hopes of being able to nestle in for my desired sleep….

Yet, here I am at nearly 1:30 am, while my husband snores away, after attempting for the past two hours to lull myself to sleep through social media surfing and reading, taking in the quiet of the dark night.

Lately, I have been craving silence, and to some extent solitude. The 10-day silent meditation retreat I keep on my ‘to do eventually’ list is becoming less fearful as a daunting experience, and more attractive as a salve to a self-inflicted wound.

There is little to nothing to complain about where we are. I mean, how can one be truly discontent surrounded by vineyards in “mostly” sunny southern France?

It’s not a matter of contentment, but more of a need for nourishment like the soil craving the rainfall after a drought. As an introvert, being constantly bombarded with sound and another’s presence – even when it is the one I dearly love – is draining and overwhelming. Add on to that the daily activities of work and building a media platform.

I need peace and quiet. I need calm and tranquility. I need stability and sanity. I need to recharge, refresh, and replenish my internal fuel cells – alone.

All of these needs are hard to meet in a small, barely two-bedroom cottage where the stone walls are paper thin when a daily bundle of energy storms around filling the air and space until it is almost suffocating that the only escape is often, to escape.

Sometimes it feels like there is not enough air to breathe for two when it is supposed to be shared. Lately, I feel a bit as if I am gasping and grasping into an unknown dark abyss and just barely floating through based solely on trust and faith.

Like all things, this too shall pass. Like all things, the dark of night exacerbates the speckled holes of a sunlit life. Like all things, there is a silver lining.

Perhaps, I should embrace the quiet of the night and make the most of the wee hours to myself. If I cannot find my peace and calm during the day, maybe I can change my own pattern and expectations – until something else presents itself as another option. Maybe, my body and mind are telling me something and I shouldn’t fight the opportunity that is before me….

And, possibly, I should look into that retreat…. πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

 Newer Entries
error

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)