Peri-menopausal

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Aug 112022
 

In my house growing up we had little-to-no secrets when it came to family topics. Of course, we all carried our own individual secrets that we would reveal bits and pieces of in various conversations over the years. Still, I know there are many more to be discovered. πŸ€”

One thing that my mom and I, as the women in the house, almost never talked about was the topic of womanhood. 🚺 When I started menstruating 🩸, I simply let my mom know by putting sanitary pads on the list. When I switched to using tampons, I just took my mom’s supply as needed until I was able to pay for my own supply.

We never talked about what it meant, how it felt, the hormones that raged, and all the aspects around this so-called coming-of-age rite.

There was a period of time, a decade or so ago, when I worried about my parents’ future together. My mom seemed to always be in a rage and my dad did not know how to cope with her. He complained he could do nothing right. She complained he could do nothing right. So, at least they agreed on something! πŸ€ͺ

Still, now, looking back I realize that my mom must have been menopausal. πŸ˜΅β€πŸ’«

I remember a few years ago scolding my mom wondering why she and others of her generation never told their children (me) about these issues and possible future experiences when the time came. A part of me always blamed it on the fact that I was adopted and perhaps, she/we thought that the experience couldn’t, or wouldn’t, be the same because we are different ethnically. However, the fact is that women are women and we go through the same process no matter our race.

Thus, here I sit eight months blood-free from the nether regions and fairly blissful about the whole idea. πŸ˜… My BFF and I talk about these things regularly because, well, that’s what BFFs do.❀️ In our sharing, we – definitely I – find comfort in knowing that I am not odd or strange in what is happening to my body and mind.

In fact, there have been plenty of times lately when I’ve thought that I am going crazy. If I try to speak to M about my thoughts, hormones, etc. he makes a half-hearted attempt to relate and understand, but he really has no ability to sympathize nor empathize. Thus, I must turn to female friends and together we commiserate over the hot flashes, the changing bodies, the mood swings that could either be our partners, or hormones, or any combination of all, the forget…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the forgetfulness. 😜

So, if you are a reader identifying as male and struggle to relate to these topics, I can only recommend that you move on or read everything so that you can try to offer support to your female-identifying family, friends, and partners when the time comes for this second rite of passage into “freedom”. 😬

~TπŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

PS. This is also a very entertaining read.

Literary Consumption

 Literary Escapes  2 Responses »
Aug 092022
 

When the voices in my head are quiet, I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I am never clear as to whether or not it is “normal” to not have the whirlwind of thoughts spinning in my mind. I suppose my normal is not this, though it may be for others.

Lately, I have been more in consumption mode rather than output. It is one way for me to deal with the lack of time to myself, keeping to a routine, and general control of my own activities. So, as I have not shared what I have been reading since January, I shall share what I have consumed over the last six months.

Some of these titles I listened to on audio, some I read on my Kindle, and others I read in good old-fashioned paper. None of these titles caused me to struggle through them, which is impressive as I usually find one or two a challenge.

Of these, my favorite fiction read was Pachinko and I am looking forward to watching the series based on it. In terms of non-fiction, the most enjoyable was Will, which we listened to on a road trip before “the slap” occurred and gave us some insight as to how that situation came to be enacted.

So, while I am slow to write new content lately, I am definitely enjoying my reads. πŸ˜…

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Adriatic Getaway

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Aug 072022
 

We finally made some time to get away for a few days.

Friends of ours agreed to housesit for us to take care of the cats and pups. Although we could have taken the puppies, it was easier to and nicer to have them safe at home with people we know.

Based on recommendations, we decided to try the other side of the country with beaches on the Adriatic Seaside. Italian beaches are generally fine rock sand or big rocks, much like the “beach” in Nice. Therefore, the northern part of the country is not so popular for seaside visits. Still, since we had not yet visited the other side of Italy yet, we decided to try out the area of Cattolica, which was north of the recommended area of Fano or Senigallia, and south of the more popular and well-known one of Rimini.

While the sleepy seaside town was actually pretty busy, we did not necessarily love the area. However, we/I did love getting away.

For the first time since getting the puppies, I was able to sleep 8 hours of solid sleep! I read most of the day on a bed, dipping into the warm sea now and then. It was very relaxing for me. Though Matt did work and didn’t sit out on the beach as much, we both renewed our need for regular getaways.

So, for just about three hours drive, it was a much needed and enjoyed holiday!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Star Trek & Exploration

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 022022
 

For as long as I can remember I have been a Star Trek fan. I’m sure my father had something to do with igniting my interest that has lasted through the many variations of Star Trek over the years.

Recently, I have been watching Discovery and Picard while I do my freelance work. Obviously, watching Picard takes me back to The Next Generation when Jean Luc and Wesley Crusher stole my heart. There is such great joy in watching Patrick Stewart on screen. For Discovery, well, I hadn’t expected to like it, but now I’m completely hooked on the series.

I have wondered at my own interest in Star Trek πŸš€ over the years. There are elements that I find parallel my own perspective of the world and reason for traveling it.

“…to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Opening of Star Trek

When I enter a new country, learn about its culture and language, I feel like an explorer πŸ—Ί discovering something new and unknown. While I do not believe I am the first and only, I do believe that my experience is unique and my eyes see it as only I can.

Thus, through my return to watching these episodes, I have reignited my interest and desire to travel πŸ›«. Thanks to C19, I had started to feel content not going very far from home. However, I know that there are still so many places to explore, especially in Europe πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Ί where I haven’t traveled much – yet. So, … I have some ideas formulating about upcoming trips both within continent and off it. Stay tuned!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Sensitivities

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jul 282022
 

Physically, I have many sensitivities to “nature”. I group it all together because basically I am allergic to most of the outside world. However, mentally and emotionally, I am fairly insensitive.

This does not mean that I do not get my feelings hurt or that I mean to hurt others; I am human after all. It just means that my threshold for pain in the abstract is reasonably high. (As a side note – I also consider a great deal of physical pain to be abstract as a construct of the mind, but that’s another conversation.)

As I wrote in my last post, I have found the positive in having so many visitors through a lens of curiosity and interest in the sociology of people.

We live in what I deem to be an overly sensitive time now. One cannot post anything online anymore without having to defend it even when there is nothing needing defense. One cannot refer to another person now without worrying about using the right pronoun or coming across as some kind of ~ist. A complete breakdown of any kind of communication is not far off, in my opinion.

M and I were discussing this morning about this societal state. As we pondered, I determined that mankind and individuals have become weak. When a minority voice can bully the majority into conformity of the few, then that means fear guides actions and that fear weakens our mental fortitude giving power to the few rather than the masses.

Many of the books I have been reading, or listening to, of late talk about the role of fear.

“Fear leads to the dark side.”

In the words of the wise Yoda

My days of living in fear are long over. I spent too many of my formative years into my mid-30s living in varied states of fear. When I discovered my own strength and power that lies within myself, fear had no business left with me and has been banned from my mental space, almost to the point that I never say phrases like, “I’m afraid…” or “I fear that…” even as general statements that get used in media, or even everyday conversations. For example, “I’m afraid we are all out of milk today.” Or, “I fear that the train might be late.” These seem like harmless, and even considered polite, phrases, but by allowing the concept of ‘fear’ to enter the statement a seed of negativity is dropped in the psyche left dormant and waiting to take hold of some other part of the brain or some other thought that can feed the fear into a weed that consumes and destroys.

Instead, simply saying “We are all out of milk today.” or “The train might be late.” are neutral statements. No judgment or sway needs to be applied. You see, there is no need to add on language that introduces a bias one way or the other – especially negatively.

Since language has started to shift toward the former so naturally, it is no wonder that now we are being bullied into having sensitivities over the words we use in writing or speaking. Words are just words. It is the interpretation that defines them. Every individual, group, society, tribe may have their own local interpretation, which is what made the exploration of different communities interesting. Nowadays, we are not allowed to explore, but instead are shutout or shutdown. When conversations cannot be held over finding a mutual definition or an agreement of interpretations, then many will see no point in conversing. That will shift us back into tribal and isolationist mentalities, which can lead to more fights and wars, which will ultimately lead to the destruction of mankind. Is this what happened to the Greek civilization that was once known for its great philosophers and orators? Were they shut down and ostracized to the point that the pursuit of understanding others became pointless until they self-destructed?

If I were more academically and research-inclined, I would look into this theory more. However, in my version of layman’s thinking, I will continue to ponder, share here, and hope for humanity to prevail and become less sensitive.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Silver Linings

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jul 262022
 

Although we are not yet finished with the season, the peak of our busy period has passed at last. Since April, we have had a fairly steady stream of visitors in and out of the house. Some stayed for just a night, or a few days, or an extended period of flexible time. Overall, it has been a great pleasure to have guests and to spend time with a variety of people.

Still, it has not been without its challenges on my side. As an introverted host, it can be a difficult balancing act of being sociable without sacrificing my own need to recharge. However, I have decided to find the silver linings in this experience.

First, people are a part of our lives for a reason and so it is definitely meaningful to be open to learning what those reasons might be. There is always something to learn from others – whether it is good or bad – and so I tried/try to stay alert for what may come.

As a writer, inspiration can often be found for characters or dialogs in the stories that get developed. If I did not allow myself to sit and engage, I might miss some gems – and there have been some doozies!

Mostly, though, I learn a lot about myself. My self-reflective nature ponders on the source for why I get annoyed at certain behaviors or conversational patterns. Is it me, or is it them, or is it just the way it is? I am most fascinated by the human psyche and so what better research is there than to study those that come to visit us?

So, whilst trying to keep the silver linings in the forefront of my mind, I breathe through the extra hours spent over breakfast/coffee time, or the extra cost for food and electricity being spent for their holiday, or the constant cleaning that is required with extra mouths and feet passing through the kitchen and house or the incessant talking required for those who cannot stand silence. I try to be thankful for the gesture of a meal out in thanks for their stay despite the fact that it does not actually offset the financial, mental, and physical toll of their presence – especially when it is for more than a couple of nights. 😳

The truth is that plenty of people have helped me out or been generous with their money, time, and space on numerous occasions throughout my life. So, it is a balance of give and take, here and there. Thus, I do not write with complaint (even if it sounds like it 😬) nor judgment. Instead, I reflect and remind myself of the silver linings and balancing act that make up relationships and develop humanity. 😍

Furthermore, I’m very thankful for my escape pad – where I have been taking my afternoon siestas and entering different worlds. πŸ“–

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Unbalanced Conversations

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jul 212022
 

I remember yelling at my ex-husband once that not all stories were about him and that he didn’t always need to revert the conversation back to himself. He looked at me in confusion and said, “But, that’s how people relate and talk.” At the time, I just attributed his style of conversing with me, and others, as his ego and arrogance making him the center of EVERY conversation. 😑

Sadly, social interactions over the years have proven that he was right. 😳

Unfortunately, for me, I still hate it and want to scream when it happens! 🀬

Fortunately, I generally keep these thoughts/reactions to myself (this being one of the exceptions) and accept it’s more common than I would like. 🫀

However, I still believe it is about the ego. But, instead of arrogance I now attribute it to a lack of self-awareness and a need to prove one’s value, worth, and importance.

The truth is that I am on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to talking about myself, my opinions, and my experiences. Rather, I write these things, which is a kind of one-sidedness, but then the reader (you) can choose to walk away without hurting my feelings. πŸ˜… I’m not saying it is better – just, that is me and how I relate and talk to others. I do not have a need to prove myself on any level to others – a different form of arrogance. 😬

There is probably a bit of cause-effect happening if I do not talk about myself much, then others may feel the need to overcompensate by talking about themselves more. However, I challenge that logic with a question – why not just ask a question instead of making it about the self? πŸ€”

When the focus becomes constantly about the self, then the interaction no longer has a balance to it resulting in one (usually me) getting bored or frustrated with a conversation because one of a few things tends to happen: 1) stories get repeated, which is SUPER annoying to one who remembers they have already heard the story before, especially if a polite “Oh yeah, you told me that” does not deter the repetition; πŸ™„ 2) the dialogue is no longer such, instead it becomes a monologue, which is only interesting in a play or scene of a film/show; πŸ₯± 3) some kind of negative feeling and energy starts to seep in and settle whenever any further engagement is required making it somewhat challenging to deepen or further a relationship of any kind. πŸ˜΅β€πŸ’«

If I really am interested in someone I tend to ask them questions. If that person asks me questions back and listens without waiting for me to pause so they can jump in with their own story, then I feel seen and heard. 😍 This rarely happens, to be honest.

Often, I tell people that I don’t like people. πŸ™…πŸ½β€β™€οΈ It always makes them laugh with surprise at my bluntness and no one actually believes it. They assume it means that I don’t like to socialize or that I am quiet and shy – a common misnomer of an introvert. Recently, I said maybe I should reword it to something like “I don’t trust people”, but upon thinking about that, it isn’t sufficient enough.

It is true that I do not trust most people, but it is more true that I don’t like people.

On the whole, I do NOT like people. People – as in the mass, a group of individuals, and all the social norms that are associated with people.

However, I DO like persons or individuals.

I cherish those I call friends – my definition is probably a bit different than most, but will save that for another pondering session. I enjoy socializing and time around individuals in groups.

Still, it is a fine line.

Not only do I get exhausted from being around others as an introvert, but my energy is drained even faster when I am around people. I do not thrive on monologic conversations. I do not thrive on the egocentric need to prove oneself through repetitive stories or always having to validate by listening to the rattling of their words. I find it on the same level as talking to children….

So, now that I’ve probably offended you as a reader, I will stop here. I do not mean offense. I just would like to implore πŸ™πŸ½ all individuals to consider that conversations should be like a well-played tennis 🎾 match. At the end of it, both should walk away feeling challenged yet satisfied.

Is that really too much to ask? 😜

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Intellectual Stimulation

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jul 192022
 

When I was adopted by my family, the social worker informed my parents that I needed to go to university. M knew when his eldest was a child that she would pursue tertiary education. Apparently, it is just something that becomes clear – the need for intellectual stimulation.

While I do not consider myself to be that smart IQ-wise, I know that I am wise – whether thanks to my early life experiences or due to being an old soul (if you believe that kind of thing). I also know that I have had many adult life experiences that make me more aware of the world. Plus, as a reader of whatever I could get my hands on when I was young, I developed an understanding of how life works that would not have come without the world of books.

Still, I know that I also prefer a serious and deep conversation over the superficial niceties expected of most social exchanges.

A number of times, I have been told by my less intellectually-inclined partner that I can tell boring stories, or when I answer someone’s question literally it becomes uninteresting. On various irritating occasions, he has interrupted my answering of a question as a subconscious reaction to avoid me possibly boring them. I have told him this is unacceptable behavior as it is not only rude but disrespectful to me as if I don’t have anything of interest to say when I really have a lot to say – interesting or not – as anyone who reads my writing can tell. πŸ˜› He has apologized and is more aware, but still, there is no denying that I am serious and I take life pretty seriously.

One reason I tend to hide away to read or write on my own is that I can only take so much conversation on what I consider to be inane. I don’t mean any disrespect by that statement, but I don’t really care about the videos on YouTube or TikTok. I like to watch TV or movies, but it does not interest me to talk about them with others. I love clothes, but don’t need a 20-minute conversation about fashion because I know what I like and am happy with what others say they like – no discussion required. Also, as a non-parent, it is boring and totally out of my interest to talk about other people’s kids or reminisce about the joys or struggles of parenting.

Don’t get me wrong – I DO talk about these things, and with a smile. In fact, I am often truly interested because the other person is interested and wants to talk/share on these topics.

Still, I have my limits.

I miss the academic world at times because we would sit and talk about the psyche of the learner and brainstorm ways to reach their brain patterns to truly acquire language, study habits, or life skills that can/will affect the future. Or, I am often fascinated by language and how it is used to express culture, personalities, and represents countries through how the language is spoken, the gestures used, the expressions formed to share an idiom or nuanced idea.

Unfortunately, since having left academia, these kinds of conversations are infrequent. Indeed, that is the consequence of my choice to leave that world. While the tradeoff of not having to deal with truants and all the other aspects of the teaching world far outweighs the loss of intellectual stimulation; it does not mean that I don’t occasionally miss a conversation or two that delves deep into righting the world as I/we see it. πŸ˜‰

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Hot!

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jul 052022
 

I love the sun. I love warm weather. I love to sit poolside and tan.

However.

I do not love to sweat. I do not love to overheat. I do not love temperatures much over 85 degrees F or 30 degrees C.

People always say, “Yea, but you lived in the desert for 9 years!” Or, “Isn’t Japan hot and humid? You lived there for a long time, didn’t you?” It’s true on both accounts, but the statements are not questions as to how I survived the temperatures, which is key to my coping.

I survived nine years in the desert because one does not ever really need to be outside for very long. If I did spend days in the sun by the pool, it was usually in a hotel where I could be pampered in the heat. Or, I went to the beach, but it was not the same kind of heat – it was dry.

I survived Japan’s heat and humidity by going to AC shops or cafes and riding the trains. Plus, I complained A LOT! πŸ€ͺ

Of course, I have some comfort in knowing that the recent 40plus degrees C / 105plus degrees F temperatures are not the norm in late June/early July. However, I do know that August is supposed to be tryingly warm for residents. So, I was somewhat mentally prepared for one month to be hot, but not necessarily all three of the summer months. πŸ˜›

To add to the joy of the climate weather, I believe that my peri-menopausal symptoms have been kicked into action.

Just when I think I am coping with the heat, my head starts to heat up and sweat forms inside my hair – not just on my brow, but actually around the crown of my head so that I know the heat is coming from inside rather than out. The wave subsides fairly quickly, thankfully, but there are many waves throughout the day. Therefore, I have found the only way to cope is to sit in my bedroom/office with the AC and fan on and window shutters mostly closed so that the dark keeps the room at bearable temperatures.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the healthiest way to spend my days. So…I’m trying to ensure that I get to the pool in the mornings to appreciate the cooler air and remind myself that the heat is not forever. πŸ€“ I also attempt to get back out in the early evening when the heat is on the decline into the night air. The starting and somewhat ending of my days – at least the hours of productivity – keeps me from going too far into a state of depression, isolation, or negative spin. It’s still not an easy thing, but given how my previous posts were sounding, I think that doing whatever I can to stay in the light is for the best! ❀️

In any case, the temperatures are forecasted to drop quite a bit over the next week. They will increase again, but it seems for the known forecasted future we have a bit of a reprieve from these peak heatwaves. πŸ₯΅ Phew! πŸ˜…

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

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