Bipolar – Page 4 – Creative Meanderings

Whenever I hear Lady Gaga’s song, “The Edge of Glory” I somehow feel like it’s talking about my life mantra. I am always looking for the next best thing because I am somehow dissatisfied with my current state. It is probably my own state of mind that I should be looking to improve, but in any case that’s a long process.

So, the other day, I went to see Dr I and expressed my feeling of being ‘on edge’ not ‘on the edge’, big difference! For the past few weeks I have felt frustration, maybe deep anger and mostly impatience with everyone and everything. It doesn’t come out too negatively towards others, but I feel it brewing inside of me to the point of annoyance. She said I just may need a good cry to release the tension or to consider how to have some balance and let go of the impatience.

Just three weeks ago when I saw her last, I was on a good path, though feeling lowish. This week is a different story. I began to consider what elements in my life had changed…

* I stopped yoga for a period of time due to a change in the teacher. Now the original one is back and we are all very happy.* R hurt his back and required more from me. Not that he demanded in any way, but I felt an increase of pressure.
* Friends and new friends seem to need more effort in terms of organizing getting together or wanting to meet up, which adds to my stress

Something else interesting that Dr I pointed out was that if I am only focused on me and organizing/structuring me and my time, I seem to be okay and balanced. However, I seem to not yet know how to incorporate others into my structure and keep a balance. This is very true.

One thing is that I try to accommodate everyone else. This throws off my routine and my ways, but not others’. Then, I become frustrated that I am the one who seems to be accommodating at my expense, but gaining little in return. While I do little for the return, I do need to feel as if I am in control of my own balance and ways…. So…this is my latest self-revelation!

-T 😀

Last night I had a visit to my therapist/counselor/head shrinker – whatever one calls professionals who help us maintain mental health. 🙂 I gotta say that I really like mine and that’s saying a lot since over the years I have not been able to find someone that I could be comfortable enough to share things with. Sometimes it’s like she reads my mind….

Anyway, I was having a random thought about why we call psychologists/psychiatrists ‘shrinks’. For me, Dr I definitely helps my head to shrink in that all the jumbling thoughts and feelings I have going on tend to calm down and become a manageable ball of yarn instead of a mess of threads spreading out all over the place. In this sense, I think it’s definitely not a rude term to say I go to a ‘shrink’.

The main thing is that I’ve been on a low trend lately. I noticed it clearly when all I want to wear is my pajamas and I am tired, but can’t sleep as much as I would like. Usually, when I am depressed I am tired, but never sleep…. So, I’ve been working on maintaining a healthy balance of exercise, pampering and trying to stay calm. It’s somewhat working, but it’s not yet under control.

Lately, I’ve had this trapped feeling that is starting to make feel a bit claustrophobic. Sometimes I just want to go away on my own. For example, a few weeks ago when I went to Paris on my own and I quite enjoyed it. Unfortunately, it was tainted by my work dramas, so I didn’t get to really take in the joy of being on my own, doing my own thing.

On a related, but side note, we have been watching the TV series “Homeland” and the main character played by Claire Danes is bipolar II. In one of the last episodes of the first season, she has a bit of a meltdown showing both the highs and lows. I could totally relate even though I do not have such manic extremes as that. When I’m on my high, my brain is going a mile a minute and I seem to ‘see’ things clearer and (what I think is) better than others. For me, it’s in organizing things and putting everything into a system where my brain works. I see how people and pieces fit together. I see how the behaviors of one can affect many. It’s all a bit eerie, but it is what I see and it is stronger when I’m on the ups. This allows me to be very productive and very active. On the other hand, when the lows come, the world is out to get me and I feel as if no one understands me. I start to feel very tired from all the energy I used up on the ups and I also realize just how much I overextend to the benefit of others, but not myself. It becomes very stressful to me to keep on giving and doing…. This is a hard extreme to handle when the ups are so high and the lows are so low. It’s not easy to manage the happy-medium in-between.

Most people cannot fully appreciate or understand. Most people don’t even know that this is a world I live in. Even those who are closest to me. I can share this easier on a distant blog, but not in person. It’s not healthy or right, so I’m working on making it more of a reality in my oral life. It will take some time.

For now, I’ve had a bit of a release by my visit to Dr I and shall see how I feel a month from now. 😀

-T 😀

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about my ‘ups and downs’, but as I just took my bi-weekly anxiety and depression test I thought it might be a good time to update.

It seems I’m on a gradual decline for both anxiety and depression, which is good as there are no drugs involved in helping with it. However, it could also just be that I’m on my way up, so as always I have to be aware of my behavior and activities.

Lately, I’ve been talking about all the crafty things I do on top of all the stuff I take on at work. It makes me seem a bit on the nutty side. I mean who crochets, knits, sews, does pottery whilst doing a PhD and taking on about three different jobs at work that aren’t just the normal teaching load? A crazy person, right?! 😛

So, I have been trying to slow my brain down enough to consider whether or not this is a healthy way to live. What is suffering, if anything? Should I try taking a step back from some things, such as coordinating or tech support? I haven’t quite come to any conclusions. One reason I’m so busy at work is to stay sane. I am not sure what I would do with myself if I weren’t so busy during the day as I can’t really do my doctoral studies there. Mostly, I just need to discipline myself at home better, but that is hard to do when I’m so tired from work….Perhaps this is an area that is suffering…? If I did less at work, would I do more at home? Hm…

Anyway, I generally start to get sad around this time of year being away from home during the holidays, but that hasn’t started yet….Maybe I’ve been too busy to think about! 😀

So, the ups and downs are staying more balanced lately. I just hope I can keep it that way….

-T 😀

I thought it might be good to start off with a post on my “ups and downs” as it has been a while since I wrote anything about it. By the way, this is what I call my ‘bipolar’ tendencies. My therapist and I have agreed that I definitely have a pattern and whether or not we put a label on it doesn’t really matter – so I prefer this term for now.

While I have considered for the past few months possibly going back on some drugs, I think that until I finish my PhD serious consideration will have to wait as I need to be in a mental place where I am prepared for the ‘daze’ that might set in. Since this is my writing year and I really want to complete this degree (finally!), I think it best to continue trying alternative and natural ways of dealing with my ups and downs.

In the last session I had, my therapist reminded me of making lists that properly prioritize the things I need to get done. It’s a three-tiered list with “Things I have to do (now)”, “Things I need to do (later)”, and “Things I should do (eventually)”. She called them ABC, but I prefer this way of separating and prioritizing. So, when I am feeling ‘up’, I should focus on the As and Cs. When I am in the middle, I do As and Bs. When I am ‘down’, then I just do the As. In this way I am not trying to accomplish everything, but focusing on what I can do as well as being in tune with myself and what I feel able to do.

So, this seems to be working for me at the moment. Sadly, there have just been too many As to get through that I’ve nearly given up on the listing…but as routine starts to kick in, everything will start to sort itself out….

Interestingly, the hardest part I have is in controlling the ups and downs. I’m supposed to achieve the midlands consistently and yet a part of me wants the ups and downs…

It’s all a work in progress…later, I will discuss my thoughts on the genetic disposition I might have with all of this….

-T 😀

So, it’s official, I hit near bottom last night with a minor meltdown. First, let me say that when someone is having a minor meltdown it is best to not try to aggravate them even more, no matter how much you think you are trying to help. Why? Because either it just elongates the meltdown or if they are like me, it will get suppressed to boil into an even larger one at a later date.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the later one never comes and that a bit of talking has helped dissipate it….

Anyway, it is important for me to keep note of the symptoms of when the low is coming. A while back I self-diagnosed myself as bipolar II. After that I sort of forgot about this and have been somewhat lax in keeping track of my mental state. However, I did start to remember back when I was being overly productive and noticing how my sleep was becoming less than it was.

Therefore, here are some of the signs for me when I am on a ‘high’ –

*Sleeping six or less hours and still feeling strangely energetic
*Being much more than normal productive and seemingly happy
*Feeling the need to be on the go all the time and thinking that it is just me enjoying being social or out of the house
*Exercising like a fiend

Although none are bad things in and of themselves, together it makes for what appears to be slightly strange….

It all makes sense when the ‘low’ comes –
*Easily irritated by everything
*A feeling of being out of control in all areas, especially of myself
*Frustration with small matters
*Feeling of being picked on, bullied or misunderstood in everything
*Tension in neck, shoulders and lower back
*Begin to lose motivation previously had for exercise and socializing…

Of course, on top of this, it is also important for me to be aware of my natural inclinations towards being both introverted, homebody and conflicted with wanting to be somewhat social….

So, if you haven’t already guessed that I am a bit of a nut – which I embrace fully – it is just good that I am aware and can reflect on ways of dealing with this.

In the back of my mind, I am a bit concerned that if my birthmother is actually the said woman I may have found who lost her mental state a few years ago, it would mean that I am only about ten years away from the same age and perhaps the same fate if such things are genetic…. So, although she may not actually be my birthmother, it is another thing to keep in mind…

Anyway…this blog sort of keeps me one step closer to ‘sanity’….

😀 -T

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Creative Meanderings

On the Edge…

Head Shrinking…

The Ups and Downs

Ups and Downs Update

Mental note…

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