Creative Meanderings

Spirituality, religion, faith, belief, and the like have been swirling in my mind lately. I have kept up with my daily Bible reading as planned for the year and it has given me new insight even though I have read it quite a few times before.

Some time ago, M and I were talking about life. Perhaps I even wrote about it, but I cannot find a post…. In any case, it was one of our more serious and deeper discussions about our thoughts on life and living.

For me, I have never truly been in love with living.

At 14, I wanted to commit suicide. I collected all the pill bottles in our house and dumped them out in piles wondering how many it would take to do the job and if it would work in the time that my parents were gone. There were no tears nor hysteria at the time, but simple calculations. In the end, I considered how my parents would react coming home and finding me dead or perhaps not quite dead and then the potential drama that would ensue. It was only then that the tears flooded out as I slowly put all the pills back into their bottles and returned to their original locations.

Over the years I contemplated again and again running away to die like cats do when they know it is their time to go. Always I returned to the thought of how others would react and feel. My sense of responsibility to them prevented me from taking action.

Somewhere in my early 20’s I was convinced that I would only live to the age of 28. I was married at 22, miserable by 24 and contemplating the rest of my life at 25. In a way, the person that I was did die at 28. I neared the end of my patience with my marriage, began to blossom into who I truly am and started the process towards independence, confidence and life. While I continued aging, the person that I was back then no longer exists.

Now, I rarely consider ending my life. Do not get me wrong, I still welcome my death whenever it should happen and do on occasion ponder those moments. At times, I morbidly begin to write my good-bye letters. However, I have come to accept that I am going to live until I have fulfilled my purpose in life – whatever that may be.

I live for my husband. I live for my family. I live for my friends. I do live.

As I read Romans 12 the other day, this passage stood out to me:

³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a]faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

So, when those moments do arise when I wonder why I am still breathing, I try to remember that it is not for me to decide whether or not I should live, but rather I need to consider if I am living according to my gifts. While I may not feel as if I am doing much, this passage reminds me that we are all part of one body and each small member helps to keep the body functioning. Until I am no longer needed for it, then I go on…(cue Celine Dion!). 😛

~T 😀

When you watch the Oscars, have you ever sort of felt sorry for the supporting actors/actresses? Maybe not because they are still being recognized with an award…. Still, they may have just been the main reason why the winners of Best Actor/Actress win.

Lately, I have felt a bit like this through our crisis situation. Whenever M talks about it, he speaks as if he was the only one going through the situation. I appreciate that his experience was his own and it was tough. However, he was not alone through it all and I was also extremely stressed and am still traumatized by the entire situation. Now that he is dealing with more things on his own – because he can now – it is as if he thinks I do not understand the stress of it. It feels as if he has forgotten that I experienced it first throughout this whole ordeal because he could not at that time.

It is not a competition on who has experienced more or worse – not by any means.

However, it is sometimes a very meaningful gesture to be recognized for the role that I did play when it was needed.

It is still a tense period for us. Although things are falling into place, patience is required beyond our known capacity for it. Each day is a game of waiting while trying to stay productive and busy. Thank goodness for my online work to allow me to feel as if I am being useful.

Anyway, more to come…

~T 😀

Throughout our experience over the past month (yes details will come soon-ish), I have come to understand the human condition a little bit more. I must say that it is not a positive understanding….

We all have a fight or flight instinct about us in times of crisis.

We also have different ways of responding to crises moments.

Ultimately, our true characters come out when these crises hit us directly or to those around us. I am sure that there is some psychological or sociological study already done somewhere explaining the nature of people in these moments; however, my own recent experiences allow me deductions about those in my world.

Let me digress slightly first –

It is not an unknown or surprising fact, if you know me even a little bit, that I generally dislike people. It is not that I am anti-social nor is it that my introverted nature makes me feel this way. It is more my early upbringing and exposure to a world of interactions that has proven to me that in general people are a**holes. That is, of course, a huge generalization and I leave room for the exceptions. However, for me, it is easier to work myself towards liking someone knowing that disappointment is inevitable rather than being optimistic that everyone lacks the capacity to be disappointing. I am cynically optimistic towards my fellow humans.

With that lens in mind, when it came to needing support and help during our recent crisis, I should not have been as deeply affected by the lack of compassion, empathy and unconditional reaction towards my requests, questions or unspoken needs.

In the end, I have found that my tolerance for others who cannot or do not step up with honesty, integrity, compassion, empathy and positive reactions has pretty much dropped to zero. What do I mean by this?

*I no longer put myself out or forward when someone asks me “When are we getting together?” If you want to get together, then you should provide some specific days and times in which you are available and follow through with the scheduling without making it my responsibility to respond or follow up. I would do the same if I wanted to hang out. The fact that I haven’t followed up to that kind of question should inform you of the amount of effort I am willing to make in response to the lack of effort involved in the question.

*While I might appreciate intended emotion behind “Let me know if I can do anything” or “I would if I could, but…”, I lack the capacity to be responsive to such statements. If you want to help, tell me exactly what you are willing and able to do. Or, better yet, just do it. By putting the onus on me, it just adds more thought (stress) to an already stressful situation that is unnecessary to me. It also requires me to make you a priority even though the situation is not about you at all. Instead, I would just prefer to know your thoughts and love are with me or know what specifically you have to offer to me in the situation.

*Never again, will I ever say to someone, “Keep me posted.” What a line of BS. Again, this puts the responsibility on the person in need to keep you informed of a situation that may or may not actually involve you nor require you to know about. If I am not updating you, then there is probably a reason for it. Either, I do not have the time or energy to do so or you simply are not a priority at the moment to be deemed worthy of being updated. I know that sounds harsh, but crisis situations are not normal ones and adding more to someone going through the situation does not help. If you want information, then ask for it regularly by checking in. Do not leave the responsibility up to the person who is actively going through it all and probably needs to know s/he is supported more than being the giver of information.

*The art of asking questions is a fine one. Providing unsolicited advice in question form such has “Have you…?” “Is so-so helping?” “What about…?” etc. is not helpful. Allow the person to provide the information s/he has and believe that they are doing everything already known to be done. If you truly believe that there is something being missed, then you can ask by offering to do it yourself…. In this way, you are stepping up to take a real action but also putting it out there as an option to be done.

My litmus test for people I allow into my inner circle are people who fulfill a “Yes” to my question of “Would I want this person on my lifeboat?” It may seem rather strange, but the truth is that if survival is our basic instinct in life, then this is a fair question. Crises show us who we really are. Falling apart or running away solves nothing. Putting off responsibility, getting angry or waiting for someone else to take action serves no purpose. Everyone has something different to offer based on their character and skills. I do not expect everyone to be like me by any means.

Still, I do expect those upon whom I put my trust and unconditional consideration to fulfill certain expectations. Although I may not cut off everyone who does not, I do start to question their value to my life ultimately. The world is both large and small, but life is short. I want my life to be full and fulfilled by those whom I surround myself with so that we all help each other to live in a way that gives maximum joy to ourselves and the world around us.

~T 😀

Sometimes feeling as if you have hit rock bottom can feel optimistic as the only way to go is up. 

Although I can imagine life could have gotten worse and I do fully appreciate that many others are worse off than we have ever been over the past few weeks, I also know that I can only handle so much. Even a week later, I am still recovering mentally and physically.

I am working on a post that will reveal all the nasty details of the past few weeks, but the ordeal is not yet over and will only be published after we are settled elsewhere. In the meantime, you’ll just have to accept the unknown of details.

In the meantime, I am slowly crawling out of the pit of despair and although I probably still have some PTSD that is not quite over with, I am hopeful that it will all be a very vague memory soon. 

This is the first time I have been on the computer/iPad properly in three weeks, so that is definitely a good sign. The fog in my brain is also slowly lifting….

At the moment, we are planning on flying by the end of the week and keeping fingers crossed that everything to make that happen will go smoothly and quickly. Your positive energies and prayers are definitely welcomed!

In the meantime, I hope to get myself back on here regularly again….

~T 😀