Burn Out

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 242022
 

Two years ago I was excitedly preparing to launch The Universal Asian πŸ™ŒπŸ½. Since then, there have been a few variations, twists and turns, ups and downs, but it has become something I am proud of – overall.

Still, for two years it has taken up a large part of my mental space. Is it my passion project? Am I obsessed with it? Could I walk away from it without much pain?

Yes πŸ‘πŸ½ and No πŸ‘ŽπŸ½.

I am not a person of passion. I get animated about certain topics. I feel strongly about a lot of things. But, am I passionate about anything? Not really. At an early age, I removed the ability to care too much or to allow myself to become overly invested in anyone or anything so that if it were taken from me or I somehow lost it, I could still survive without any personal injury to me. Therefore, the idea of becoming passion-driven is far removed and a locked away concept for me. So, NO, the platform was not a passion project and I am not passionate about it.

Without passion, then, the short answer is YES to being able to walk away from it without much pain. I could shut it down, close it out, and walk away with only a concern for the team who helps make it run as smoothly as it has been, but no pain in the loss of the space itself.

Mostly, though, YES, I am obsessed with it – to the detriment of myself mentally and emotionally. Also, this causes friction when self-funding such a venture. While there are many pieces of advice and traditional business models that suggest various ways to generate some income, none of them are with the vision that I created for the platform or showing enough potential to generate a significant amount of money to keep things independently afloat due to the current numbers in followings. It takes time to get to the tipping point and we only started two years ago.

When I started, I spoke to someone who had shut down her online magazine asking why it didn’t work. She warned me that the two-year mark would be when we would either make it or break it. She wasn’t wrong. πŸ’‘

It’s the burn out πŸ•― that I had not quite anticipated. I consider myself fairly resilient, but with rejections, losses, fights, and struggles just within the space itself added to life challenges that we all face – well, it’s become a bit much for me.

While I know this project has meaning, value, and purpose, I am tired. I need to step away to see and appreciate where my efforts have gone. I need to look at the space as a user to find the value in what was created. So, that is what I am doing.

It is not a good-bye or shut down. As a wise person I had just met encouraged, the space can still exist and be open/available while I take a breath away. At the end of the day, money motivates. I mean, without pay, the rest of the team is also taking a break – which tells me that we still need finances πŸ’΅ to encourage meaning, value and purpose…. Therefore, as someone who isn’t getting paid either, I think it is even more reasonable that a break is needed.

So, June will be a winding down month with announcements and actions put in place to let everyone know that July and August are going to be quiet as we all, especially I, take a pause to recoup, refresh, and re-evaluate future steps.

At least, I realized I was on a ‘burn out’ before it became a full ‘blow out’, right?! πŸ˜…

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Puppies and More Puppies

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 182022
 

Most of my days and nights have been consumed with falling in love with our newest additions to the household – Monty and Pea(nut).

It’s only been a month since they joined our home, but they have stolen our hearts – and all of our attention! πŸ˜‰

Here’s a link to the photos as it says it all – warning: there are A LOT of photos! πŸ˜€

Enjoy!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Worldly Possessions

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 122022
 

In a discussion group yesterday, we talked about the things that we are attached to and what 10 things would we grab or want to save if we were running out of a fire.

As an educator and trainer, this is an activity that we often ask our students as a learning exercise and also an assessment of an individual in group interviews. In trying to answer it for myself, it is always different since I tend to over-analyze the situation and sway from being practical to being sentimental to being minimal.

Our shipment of things finally arrived last weekend and we quickly got busy with unpacking our boxes. Although we felt there wasn’t much, considering the size of our house compared to the size of where we were living in Tokyo, it turns out that we still have a lot of things. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ I loathe to imagine how much we will have acquired in five years time after living in our Italian house 😳🀯, but I shall not linger on that.

In unpacking and trying to find a new, semi-permanent home for our belongings, I found a sense of peace, calm, and stability fall over me. Actually, it has been over a year of uncertainty and movement, which causes one to feel unease even if one gets used to it. So, as I was unfolding my clothes – while also doing an ‘edit’ (as per the Home Edit) – I felt my mood lift into a lighter space than it has been lately.

Although I do not think of myself as overly materialistic, I do acknowledge that I have a great appreciation for my belongings – especially my clothes. Somehow, my possessions give me a sense of groundedness, perhaps as a concrete expression of easing my dis-ease in moving around so much in my early years. Funnily enough, now that everything is with me, I am less attached to many of the items that I have hung on to for years.

So, back to the question – what ten things would I want to take with me in the event of a fire?

Practical responses include: paperwork (adoption, birth, marriage), passport, laptop, and clothes – though only if convenient and there is time.
Sentimental responses include: my years of journals, new paintings with value, …

Really that is it. Almost everything is replaceable and, my journals will someday be tossed anyway, so… in essence I really don’t need anything except my paperwork and passport.

Yet, the sense of peace and calm that falls upon me as I sit amidst all of worldly comforts is fully appreciated in this moment. 😜

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Doing and Being – Me

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 102022
 

Last week’s poem was a few days/weeks in the making.

I have been feeling a desire to return to writing poetry as sometimes prose is too wordy and lacks an elegance that poetry has in expressing thoughts or emotions. It has been a while since I have used it as a way of expressing myself, but it finally turned into something. This poem came out of recent conversations and ponderings.

My father has always had a zest for life. My husband carries that same attitude toward it. Pea (our female Beagle puppy) seems to have it, while Monty (her brother) is less cheerful – albeit still very cheerful. I do not have it. I never have. In fact, I barely even understand the concept of it.

Still, aside from one or two moments in my life, I have not considered escaping it by my own means. It is not the case that I even hate it. My life is good. The Universe and God have given me more than others might even imagine possible. Yet, I do not love the act of living.

For as long as I can remember, I have said and felt that if I were to die tomorrow, it would be with relief and satisfaction that at last my time in this world is ended. This is not to say that I actively put my life in danger nor that I have a completely blasΓ© attitude about how I go about living. It is to say that I do not hold on to any particular passion or mission that I feel I must fulfill in order to live fully. In fact, passion and mission are not something I think I have ever had nor desired.

Some people are driven by a passion for a craft, a political stance, a fight, an activity, a sense of changing the world. Some people think it is their mission to achieve some goal of success whether it is money, life changes, global improvements, human advancements and the like. I am not. I do not.

So, why do I get up every morning? Why don’t I just kill myself as my husband once asked me in a frustrated conversation about my laissez-faire attitude toward life?

The truth is that I don’t have an answer. I no longer actively consider what gets me out of bed. I no longer actively desire to know my purpose. When I was younger, I spent a lot of brain power on these questions and contemplated, read, discussed how I should live a purpose-filled life. What I found was that, it doesn’t matter.

All our aims at finding happiness, wanting what others have, trying to change the world, being concerned about the state of society, etc. contribute to a continued cycle of discontent and frustration. I have learned that by finding contentment in myself, my life, my ways – all the areas of my control – I do not need nor desire to be involved in the other thoughts. Call me selfish, if you like, but honestly I don’t care.

I have always felt that we, humans, are too controlled and dependent on others. My belief in the power of humanity is based on the power of individuals realizing their strengths and then working with others respecting each other as individuals to create something better. Unfortunately, this rarely ever happens – but it does, and when it does – WOW. Perhaps, it is those moments that I live for….

In any case, I do not feel that life is meant to be about being happy or having zest for the living. While I hope that I have and give value to others, I am also content to just do and be – me.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

A poem: Life Just Is

 Writing  1 Response »
May 052022
 

Life just is – a wandering of this world
trying to discover what will unfurl.

Life just is – a string of experiences
some good, some bad, some open doors, others fences.

Life just is – a chance to learn
about ourselves, about others, about on what we should concern.

Life just is – but a brief moment
and of what is beyond us, we only have a hint.

Life just is – the here, the now
and each day, I simply try to survive it somehow.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

AAPI, AANHPI, or MH Month?!

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 032022
 

America is viewed as a country that will celebrate anything. A common observance shared with me by non-North Americans is the exuberance of Americans at amusement parks, conferences, sporting events, and our observances of different months, holidays, etc.

Having not lived in the US for some time now, I am not as well-versed in the norms of my adoptive country nor its people. However, running The Universal Asian has forced me to get back into touch with various cultural elements, which includes celebrating/sharing focused content in certain months.

So, May has been declared as Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) awareness month, now also referred to as Asian American, Native Hawaiian and Pacific islander (AANHPI) month or some remove American and use “Awareness” as part of the acronym – Awareness of Asians and…. It’s all very confusing! On top of that, I have seen that May is also “Mental Health” awareness month – so what do we focus on or support?

The truth is that I find it all a bit bizarre and mostly a capitalist mentality. I mean, the Easter bunny came to be so that chocolate companies could benefit, after all. The problem is that with the ‘woke’ and ‘cancel culture’ mentality, one can no longer ignore these trends when trying to survive and thrive in a social media-based/influenced world.

All of it really makes me want to take a step back from anything connected to social media. I really just want to write, then turn off my computer to soak up the sun β˜€οΈ, read a book πŸ“–, and listen to the birds 🐦whittle on in the background.

Last night, M and I had heated discussion about the continuation of The Universal Asian (more on that later), and for a long moment, I decided to shut it down – after sleep, I have since temporarily reconsidered. The thing is that I do not NEED to do it. I do not NEED to make it successful. I do not NEED to care or provide the space. I, personally, do not NEED nor MUST nor WANT to make it my life’s worth or work. I do it because I believe it has value and I believe the space is needed – plus it gives me something to do that focuses externally rather than in my own headspace. However, if another space/organization/group/entity wanted or started a similar space with more success, money, etc. then I would be content.

M retorted with a confused look as to how I do not have passion for something that he thinks is a great concept. I explained that my existence has never been fueled by passion or driving forces. I have ambition and I have motivation to do or create a lot of things from the many ideas that fill my head. I have a good instinct for things that work or do not make sense. However, there is no burning fire in my belly to achieve anything in particular in life. So, if nothing ever comes to fruition from my ideas, I’m totally and completely OK with it. Life, mine and others, will go on – that’s an absolute.

Fact is, if I were to die tomorrow or learn that I was dying, I would welcome it with relief. My father and M have said that they would be pissed off if they were in that position because they feel they still have things to do in this life. I do not. I never have. I have lived and experienced life fully, in my opinion, but I do not treasure it nor want to hold on to it.

It is with this outlook that I do not understand the role of awareness months or focused observances of days like International Pancake Day or Siblings Day, etc. If we want to appreciate something, then just do it – do it every day or do it when the mood strikes. Why do we need to be forced to give credence to a particular day or a particular month? To me, that shows less passion, drive and commitment than those who make it their life’s mission to raise awareness on whatever topic they feel inclined to take on.

Anyway, maybe my passion is in trying to expand the awareness of others to look beyond the trends and so-called norms, to live life so that one can be satisfied if they found out they were dying tomorrow…. πŸ€”

Whatever the case may be, I think I have brought AAPI/AANHPI and MH awareness to you reader now, haven’t it?! 😜

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Physical Purging to Reset

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Apr 282022
 

There’s nothing quite like a physical purge to reset the mind.

**TMI Warning**⚠️

Yesterday I was continuing my inner rage, which I’m sure was reflected in my somewhat negative energy being emitted to others. M decided to fuel the rage with little comments. One in particular sparked a confused response of anger, frustration, and truth – ‘you’re so negative about everything, maybe you need to reflect more on that’! 🀬😳🀯

First of all, telling someone like me that I need to reflect more is never a good place to start as reflection and introspection is like breathing for me. That was the anger. The frustration and truth was in the fact that I have been negative about many things (not quite everything), but I also couldn’t see a way out of it.

So, instead, I raged a little back at him, hid myself away under the excuse of taking a nap and tried to escape the moment.

After I woke up, I decided a bit of alcohol and shisha with CBD would be a good way to ignite my positivity.

Well, it worked for a while until a headache turned into makings of a migraine began to trickle in. It went from a trickle to an invasion of the mind. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom losing control of my movements and my stomach contents – at the same time. (I did warn you!)

It felt reminiscent of the times I’ve had food poisoning and the last time last year when I got really sick purging my stomach then as well. However, the addition of my screaming headache made me realize that I had no control over anything that was happening to me. After two bathroom sessions, I crawled into bed shivering and crying from a complete lack of control over my physical situation. With hands pressed to my eyeballs in hopes of pushing out the pain and a concentrated effort to just breathe while reminding myself that pain is only temporary, my brain finally shut off releasing me into the dark sleep world.

Mercifully, I got to sleep through most of the night thanks to M taking over nighttime puppy duty. Generally, any position changes in my body were met with pain in my stomach or a threat of a visit to the restroom. So, I willed myself to keep sleeping.

By the time the sun rose this morning I felt that the worst had passed.

After gingerly testing out the state of my stomach, I think I am OK now. However, I have realized that the loss of physical control also released the mental cloud that was lingering. Even though it seems that long C19 is holding on, I haven’t felt this light and motivated for a couple of weeks now. So, with fingers crossed🀞🏽, a little prayer πŸ™πŸ½ to the Universe, and renewed sense of purpose πŸ’ͺ🏽, I think that I have possibly climbed up over that last hill back into the light. πŸ’‘

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Making an Effort

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Apr 262022
 

Some days I feel as if the struggle is more real than others. Some days there is no real struggle at all, in fact. However, when climbing up out of a depressive cycle, the struggles can feel like mountains.

On the outside, I think I am fairly well put-together. Even from my partner, I try to hide the tears that occasionally threaten to ooze out of the sides of my eyes (though he usually sees them). On the inside, though, well, it’s a different story.

Despite being a fairly extreme introvert, who can go over a week without noticing that I haven’t left our gates, I know that I need human connection. It’s not simply a matter of interacting with others, but it is feeling seen, heard, and actively responded to by another soul that I crave. Other than M, who does a reasonable job most of the time, I do not have regular meaningful connections with others. My chats with good friends are generally limited to video calls or messages, but that doesn’t quite fill the cup.

So, while I felt my childish inclinations at the surface this past weekend before going out for a social night, I forced myself to make an effort (M really gave me no choice!).

With the help of Jose Cuervo and knowing I had at least one or two backup support in others I knew attending, I “think” I made a new friend with whom I can meet regularly for a coffee and chit-chat. She has her own friends as well in the area, so maybe through some introductions I can get myself out there even more! 🀞🏽

In any case, pandemic life and my own social awkwardness may be heightened these days, but it is time for me to keep my eyes on the sun and keep making the effort to get out there!

Wish me luck!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Bringing Light and Leaving the Dark

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Apr 212022
 

There are few things that trigger my negative psyche these days. Thanks to meditation, reading a lot of books for reflection, and general maturity in life through experiences, I always look inward before letting myself get absorbed by other’s actions or words. Introspection is a daily habit rather than a passing whim for me.

So, when I feel injured by others, I really feel it. It has been a long time since I have let myself invest in a space or be amongst others enough that I could potentially be personally injured, but after months of Zoom sessions, chats online, and what seemed like a good connection, I lowered my wall of protection. Unfortunately, due to money – of all things – wounds that I thought were healed proved to be merely scabbed over and when picked only a little, bled.

Regarding the money, I am responsible and I fully acknowledge it. While I do not have actual control over our finances nor much of a say as to my bank balance these days, I agreed to pay for a service and admit to falling short of that agreement.

However, the problem for me lies in the blurred lines of when service melds into relationships. Was I actually paying for readership of my writing? Was I paying for accountability partners? Was I paying for a support group? These are questions I am still processing answers to as I am not quite sure, or perhaps I am just not ready to accept the answers.

If I had stayed with my wall up and looked at the service as simply a service, I imagine I would not have entered that dark space of my mind so eagerly. However, the loss by being removed abruptly, by being shut out completely, by not having a chance for closure was an unexpected and unprepared for moment because I did let that wall down.

Possibly, if I had not gotten excited over the idea of having writing friends, I would have more thoroughly thought about what I was paying for; therefore, making my protective decisions more carefully. Still, hindsight is 20:20, right?

After wallowing for a couple of weeks, opening the dark space that consequently allowed in C19, and reorganizing my mental processes, I am slowly coming back up out of the abyss with a renewed vision and, admittedly, a reinforcement of protection. This is not to say that I am hardened nor closed off, but rather that I know now that I don’t want any aspect of money to determine the answers to my earlier questions. There is a time and place to pay for certain elements in the writing process – no matter how great or small the sum -, but my values are not respected if I allow myself to be in a place where money is more important than relationships, especially when it comes to writing, especially when there is a common understanding that rejection and abandonment are triggers, especially when compassion and empathy are meant to be at the forefront of the ties that bind.

So, without placing any blame on anyone or in any place other than myself and in my mind, I am pulling up my big girl pants and appreciating the experience and lessons learned as I move forward. My writing will get back on track and I am looking at how to create my own space and support networks that may still involve money, but will value the relationships more so that no one else will be forced to visit those dark recesses of their minds when all they want to do is to bring light through their writing. Stay tuned as the ideas develop!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Head in the Clouds

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 072022
 
Florence

Ever since I was young, I have had a fascination with the clouds. Not in the sense that most kids have in trying to create shapes out of the formations and imagining stories as they morph their shapes floating across the sky. Rather, in the sense that there are worlds above them and in them. Depending on their size, scatterings, and density I pondered what God, the Creator, or the other gods were trying to tell us mere mortals.

Once I learned about the Greek gods I would imagine what their world would be like when I was in an airplane and the weather was clear so that in essence we could be flying among them above the clouds. Further, my reading of books about angels fed my imagination to wonder if they were guiding me from my aircraft window seat, or trying to send us messages when I looked up from below. Just as we have the story of God’s promise to mankind from the rainbow, I have always felt that we have messages in the clouds – if we are willing to read, see or hear them.

As a short person, I am used to looking up. When I visit cities, I always find myself nearly running into people because I tend to be walking with my head up in awe of the buildings and the sky above. Before I joined the food photo trend, I used to take tons of pictures of the clouds and how the buildings would look silhouetted in the sky. Occasionally, I still do.

The Eiffel Tower

After spending 18 months away from soaring above the clouds, I was reminded on a recent flight as to why I always choose a window seat. Looking out across a carpet of clouds allows my imagination to see the angels or the gods waving as if we are a boat passing by. I feel I can see them cheering when someone waves back.

From the ground, I love to see two types of cloudy days (don’t mistake this for liking anything but a sunny day). One type is a mostly blue sky spotted with a random fluffy cloud or two that is whisking by. I can imagine the play and racing of the entities above. The other is a dark and stormy kind of cloudy day with light rays shining through providing us the hope of clear days ahead and reminding us that there is beauty even in the dark moments.

So, though I love sunny, cloudless, blue-sky days, I also keep looking up to see if the clouds have something to say or share that will allow my creativity to flow.

In Malta

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

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