“Buck Up, Buttercup”

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 052016
 

My husband said this to me on the way out the door this morning due to my seemingly worsening mood/state of mind.

First off the season is changing. I know that sounds strange in a place like AD, but truly there are more clouds, it is getting cooler and I think there was even some sort of moisture in the air yesterday or the day before. πŸ˜› So, it is indeed becoming ‘winter’ here, which in some ways is nice because I can be outside more, but as I do not have a balcony to get me out the door I have not put in the effort to simply get myself downstairs and outside. Or, like yesterday, out of the door at all. (Well, I did get out every two hours to go downstairs for laundry…. πŸ˜‰ )

While I am generally a morning person and getting up early is not a struggle, I have been finding myself sleeping straight through until about 6:30am and then avoiding having to get out of bed until M has waited as long as he can to start getting ready for work. Instead of pushing him out the door so that I can start my day, I want him to stay with me all day….

Although I have things to go out and do I am equally happy to put them off to another day. For the past few days that I have been on my own, I spend it in front of the computer writing – which is good – but really fighting the urge to sit in front of the TV and let it suck my will to live.

Therefore, I think it is probably safe to say I am officially in a depressive state. No wonder my yoga business is not moving – I am stuck. However, four days ago I joined a seven-day yoga teacher challenge to re-evaluate my brand/business through an FB group. Yesterday was about how to align ourselves and way of life with our target audience/clients and the brand.

This morning I wrote three ways to align myself if my target clients are those who are depressed, have anxiety or are stressed (like me!).

1) meditate on goals and truly visualize them as success – what do i look like having reached those goals?;

2) get on the mat even when I am not “feeling it” – building a discipline and habit can provide the support needed when feeling down;

3) take time to truly relax – sauna, swim, veg out – whatever it maybe. Restorative practice works on the mat, but finding ways to release stress off the mat is equally important.

Along with my new daily Lord’s prayer routine, I need to add these three. Maybe then I’ll ‘buck up’!!! πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

Renewing Old Faith

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 042016
 

For a few months I have been processing in my mind what and where my faith has gone. Over the past year of yoga teacher training, I have discovered the gift of meditation and seen a woman of strong faith fight to believe in the sutras – philosophical texts – because she cannot reconcile that the sutras are like the Bible – guides for a way of life.

Since the end of my first marriage I have pushed aside my religious faith in terms of social gatherings for the purpose of praising the Lord or studying His word regularly.

This is not the say that my belief has disappeared or died, but I have spent my time exploring other ways to look at God, the Bible and believing in aΒ more holistic presence in the world. I have also spent a lot of time looking into my own power within the mind and by my actions. In the true heart of David, I have questioned and explored God over the years.

As I have continued to ponder these larger than life mysteries, I have also been slowly considering perhaps it is time to come back to the basics in Christianity – prayer, the Bible and faith. While I have learned how to control my actions and thoughts so that they are productive rather than destructive, I have been missing an element – presence of the universe/God within me.

Then, last week I got a writing job to research a topic that involves the Bible. As I began the work and found myself needing to reference my own Bible, I felt as if I was being called back. Already without thought I had been meditating in prayer and using the Lord’s prayer as a basis to begin my practice. However, I have been missing the regular input of the Word into my life and mind. When I picked up my Bible again to look up a text, I found that my hands missed turning the pages and my mind was eager to dive into the text. Although I still maintained a modern, skeptic’s eye, it was still somehow comforting to be in that mindset again.

So, again this morning as I sat in short meditation, I began with the Lord’s prayer. Somehow it felt different – more real, more true – in my heart and mind. Thus, I have decided that given the season I shall read the ‘Christmas’ story again. It is all in good timing as we decided this weekend we will be staying here to celebrate instead of going home as planned all year…. My heart aches a little and needs some comfort. Seems like a perfect time to renew my faith and find peace in the Word of God again. πŸ™‚

~T πŸ˜€

Gone Country

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 032016
 

One of my favorite genres of music is country. Yes, it is true. It is not something I advertise widely given such strong feelings people have either for or against it. However, it truly makes me happy, move my feet and want to dance.

Before summer, we went quite a few times to ‘Country Night’ which is dj’d by a colleague of M’s who is Welsh. He really does an amazing job of putting a good mix together. Of course, I know most of the songs and sing my heart out. πŸ˜€

After summer, the interested died down and we had not been able to go. Therefore, the nights have changed from weekly to monthly. Last night was November’s Β Country Night. It was so much fun!!!!

We danced, we drank, we laughed and I avoided having to get on the mechanical bull. M was the first on and then our new friends gave it a go. For me…not so much. πŸ˜› It was a good time providing a few moments of bliss forgetting our woes and challenges of life. Country music makes me feel at home and think about life a bit more simply.

So, I am feeling as if there will be more country on the stereo now! Poor M! πŸ˜‰

~T πŸ˜€

 Posted by at 09:28

My Adoption Journey – 5E: Another Birth Family Development

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 022016
 

It has been a while since there has been any development about my birth family search. In all honesty I had put it on the back burner to simmer until I was ready to do anything else or until something else came up.

Back in August of last year, I posted on the results of a DNA test taken by my potential aunt. They were negative. I agreed to leave her alone from that point forward when she was no longer willing to answer questions that I had as it still seemed quite odd that the adoption agency in Korea had no doubts that it was her family that I came from. Still, I wanted to be respectful so I stopped communication with her.

Before she had agreed to all of this, I had done a bit of digging on FB for the daughters of the woman who is said to be my birthmother. She had two with the American man she married. I sent them both an FB message privately and did not receive any responses due to FB’s filtering system.

In June of this year, I did reach out to the man she married (the girls’ father) whom I also found on FB. Again, it was a long shot that it would even get seen.

Well, it did just the other day. One of the daughters sent me a message saying her father had gotten my message and then she checked hers. She said she was happy to answer any questions if she could. We have had a quick chat, but she does not know much more than what I know – unfortunately. There is one possible action, but she is pondering it for now.

In the meantime, her aunt HS is upset. Why?! I received a message from her basically threatening me to stop ‘pestering’ her family. Perhaps I am not yet ready to see her side of it, but as far as I am concerned I have not gone beyond her wishes. I made my initial contact years before she was willing to help me. It is not my doing that now is when the contact has come to some kind of result. Nor is it against our agreement that I would not contact her any further. I understand that perhaps she feels as if she took care of the situation and now she is involved in it again – Korean families – but as I nicely explained to her – this is MY story not hers. I have the freedom to explore further and if someone else in her extended family wants to help me, then that is his/her choice, not the aunt’s. I am being as respectful as I can and am not pushing for anything – just asking what people know and offering options or looking for help where possible.

Maybe I am wrong in this, but I am not yet seeing it.

So, that’s the new ‘drama’ in this interesting search. The real question is, if she is not my birthmother then what IS the story that brought our families together…? There is a story there somewhere. There are missing pieces for sure…, so the detective in me continues to let the clues fall into place. πŸ™‚

~T πŸ˜€

Last Month of 2016

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 012016
 

Wow, it is so hard to believe that 2016 is coming to an end and to reflect on the year that it has been.

A year ago, we were 20 days from getting legally married. A year ago, I was making my decision to quit my full-time job to embark on the crazy path of running my own business and taking my work a different direction. A year ago, life was layered with a sense of security and stability with excitement of what was coming. Amazing what a year can bring.

It will be exciting to celebrate our first year of marriage even with its rocky moments. We have stayed strong and in love. I am ever more amazed at who M is at heart and his own capacity to endure, overcome and press on. My heart is full with his love and presence in my life – it is beyond comforting to know that he is by my side for all the years to come.

I do not regret for a moment giving up my full-time work. It was making me miserable every day and although the regular paycheck was something I took for granted, I am definitely at peace with the decision to try something new. I admit that taking on the task of starting my own business at my age and in this field, but I have faith and belief that it will take off and by creating some other areas for revenue, I will be able to have a more than successful business that will eventually run itself. So, I am not afraid of the hard work that may be required – just got to keep pressing on.

On the other side, I will honestly admit that I miss the false sense of security and stability that I had. Even knowing that it was false because I still had debt and bills, etc., it was one less source of stress. I do know; however, that in the long run facing full on these debts and bills is the better way of life. Once we are ahead, we will truly be ahead without anything hidden behind it. So, despite all the years of having a steady income, I still contributed to the creation of our current situation by living beyond my means and ignoring the consequences that could come. Therefore, I face where we are fully accepting my role and responsibility in it by being extremely thankful for the experiences and travels I had. Now, we work together to bring ourselves wholly secure and stable so that our future experiences and travel will be even more rewarding.

So, as I look back over the past year as we enter into the last month of 2016, I realize that despite my recent struggle to stay upbeat, there is much to be happy and content about. Therefore, I shall continue to enjoy what the closing of the year has to bring over the next month.

~T πŸ˜€

Anxiety, Anticipation, Angst….

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 302016
 

Maybe it just me, but every now and again, I consider our adjectives and wonder at the commonalities or intensity of meaning according to letters of the alphabet. For example, have you ever thought about ‘con’ words? Contemplation. Conscientiousness. Concrete. All these ‘con’ words connect to the mind.

Today as I sit to write my mind is a bit unsettled. As I tried to pinpoint how I would describe it these words came up:

*Anxious: I feel anxious. Anxious for the stress to end. Anxious about possible more changes in the near future. Anxious about the unknown really.

*Anticipation: I am anticipating the end of our stressful situation. I have anticipation for some new developments in my birth family search. I am constantly in anticipation for the next thing to come my way whether good or bad.

*Angst: Yeah, I have angst. Angst about life at the moment. Angst about life in the past. Angst about people. It this angst though that inspires me to write or to be creative. So, angst is not a bad thing – if used productively.

Somehow today it was the ‘A’ words that came up. Perhaps that also is telling as the beginning of something like the beginning of the alphabet. Or perhaps I’m just being overly nerdy about it all.

In any case, I need some meditation today methinks. πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

 Posted by at 08:45

Anti-Social Socialite

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 292016
 

Every day I see people – well, almost every day. I generally force myself to get out at least once in a day even if it is just for my lessons/sessions.

Despite this, I still regularly crave going into a cave and hiding into my own world. For some this might be considered as anti-social or even odd behavior. For others, you get it. πŸ˜‰

The problem with spending too much time on my own is that I can start to feel isolated or alone. I can play an old tape in my head that no one loves me or needs me. I can start to ask the futile question of “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve ____?” Of course, I know that this old tape should be thrown away. Over the years I have worked extremely hard on re-recording over that tape; however, like the real old tapes, you cannot fully remove the imprint that has been made on the film.

Therefore, there are days when it is necessary to acknowledge what I am feeling or to even address the old voice as a reminder of who I have become since those days of old. Denying it would be inviting a repeating and recreating of a new stronger tape that would not be productive.

The past couple of months have required me to be extra social in order to network and try to get clients. While it may have been somewhat fruitful, the truth is that it was exhausting and most definitely not my style. Although others try to give me advice and tell me that I have to learn how to market myself or speak to others to sell sell sell. I wholeheartedly disagree.

I believe that I need to get my name out there, and know that I will. I also believe that people will come to me when they are ready or in need of what I have to offer. If I am patient with it, I know that I will get the business that I am waiting for.

So, as I continue to take my moments for reflection, I also realize that I need to prioritize myself and appreciate that this anti-social socialite is going to be laying a bit lower from now on. πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

 Posted by at 19:56

Sometimes You Just Need a Day…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 282016
 

If I were to describe myself to others who might not know me, I would say that I am:

*organized
*no nonsense
*quiet, but not shy
*a listener and observer (introverted)
*conditional giver (yes, I only give under certain conditions, but then I give forever and always)
*loyal once one has gained myΒ trust and respect
*traditional in etiquette, manners, and behaviors
*stubborn πŸ˜›
*a problem-solver
*confident
*writer
*teacher
*moderate
*stable (despite my up and down tendencies)

If you know me, you can comment on whether or not this is an accurate perception of myself or not. However, I think I am pretty close.

When one knows oneself reasonably well in the truest sense, it can become tiring to exist around other people who may not match these qualities. If you believe in the idea of energies or chemical interactions of people based on their behavior and actions, then you can understand that someone with my qualities can be put off balance by others who have more opposite tendencies.

We need all kinds of people in the world. The Chinese yin and yang requires this mix for true harmony in life. Still, that is not to say that the effort in trying to maintain balance is not draining or even exhausting at times.

For me, I have a pretty full pot of patience (shocking to anyone who might have known me in my childhood) and tolerance. Most of the time, I can find ways to refill it on my own – as a true introvert does. However, there are times when my pot becomes near empty because I am not given the time I need to replenish. When this happens, I get tired physically and mentally. My temper shifts. My motivation wanes. My interest in anything dwindles. My mood drops into the spiral of a downshift.

Despite my awareness of these results, I cannot always nip it in the bud before it is too late, for various reasons of life. Therefore, there usually comes a point when I need to just take a day or two or even up to a week to step back.

This week has been a partial version of this. I have not worked out. I have socialized, but in a limited capacity and with limited enthusiasm. I have started to feel depressed and frustrated….

Yesterday, I was able to have most of a day to myself to do as I liked. I still had a lesson and did some ‘work’ at home; but for the most part, I had the chance to watch TV, sleep early and just spend some QT in my head. (Scary?! :D)

So, it was good. No full conclusions or decisions were made, but I had down time on my own which is very much what I needed. I miss my family. I miss my BFF. I need a tribe, a new tribe, but am not yet sure how to go about it at the moment. However, now I have had my day and so it is time to pluck myself up and get out and about it again!

~T πŸ˜€

Third Installment

 Writing  No Responses »
Nov 272016
 

Just two days ago I wrote about my upcoming article on Aprilmag.com. Well, it was published without my realizing it and is now up on the magazine page!

It feels good to be writing regularly again and I feel as if each time I am upping my game a bit. It gives me confidence again about writing and looking for other ways to generate income doing it. THIS is my dream, after all….

So, I do have my next assignment and need to get myself moving on that. Plus, I am going to look at some other options for writing or generating income on blogging…. Stay tuned for that!

In the meantime, enjoy what April Magazine has to offer. πŸ™‚

~T πŸ˜€

Fur Ball Update

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 262016
 

It has been a while since I’ve talked about my ‘kids’. They are just now three years old! It is hard to believe. They are still babies and Pippi is young at heart to be sure. πŸ˜›

It is hard to capture video of them when they are being crazy and wild. Besides, it’s so much cuter to capture sleeping kitties. πŸ˜‰

Thankfully, they have recovered their sisterly love and attachment after their traumatic time in the kennel.

I do love my kitty witties! So, happy birthday to Mia and Pippi (okay a little late, but they don’t know!)!

~T πŸ˜€

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