Oversaturation

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Oct 132022
 

One of my favorite items to use in analogies is the sponge. It works on many levels – kids at about age eight are little sponges soaking up everything new with curiosity; pain can be absorbed like a sponge, but it doesn’t mean that it has left the body until you squeeze it out, but there will always be a little bit left; and, when we are oversaturated with something it is like a sponge that can no longer absorb any more liquid.

While I am very proud of the platform space that I envisioned and partnered with my lifelong adoptee friend to build in what it is now – The Universal Asian – I became oversaturated; and despite nearly four months being 95% away from it, I still find it doesn’t take much before my absorption capacity is full again.

There are plans for a leadership shift and the space will surely transform into its next version under the new leadership. I feel good about this move knowing that I will still get to benefit from its future success.

In the midst of my excitement to be a bit more free from the space, I eagerly brainstormed and put into motion the building of a writing program under the TUA umbrella. There has been some interest already and I am about 90% ready to start advertising, taking money (this time, my efforts will be paid for), and putting things into place. However, despite my keenness to get things going by this month, or at the latest, in November, I drug my feet.

Upon some reflection and reviewing of my actions, I realized that I am just not yet ready to dive back into regular contact with fellow adoptees and Asian-Americans. I’m not yet ready to be confronted with the struggles, anxieties, stresses, angsts, and all the other bits that have surrounded the uplifting of the Asian voice. It is most definitely NOT that I feel they shouldn’t be shared, expressed, and made public so that others can better understand the state of the Asian-American and adoptee psyche. It IS most definitely that I feel myself absorbing all of those energies to the point that I lose myself and become oversaturated by energies that are not mine.

So, I have compromised with pushing the start date to the new year. In the meantime, I will advertise and do the admin work to get people registered, paid, and ready to go with excitement as the new year begins. It also gives me more time and something to look forward to as I know that once I am in it, I will be loving it.

In the same vein, I recently had a really nice chat with a fellow adoptee. She’s a domestic US adoptee who is having her own awakening of her experience as an adoptee and in reunion. Thanks to her awakening, she has a fire kindling up to provide more education/information about the adoption system and how it affects everyone involved, but while keeping the adoptee as the central importance. I think it is a beautiful initiative and will do my best to support her.

Still, I found myself post-conversation wondering if my gut reflective reaction was because of my current precarious position of not wanting to absorb too much or because of already having absorbed too much. I realized that I had to talk myself out of an urge to step away from everything also related to adoption, even though I had already offered to help proofread, which I would do anyway as that’s my thing!

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it’s just me reminding myself to be aware and be careful. I’m in charge of myself, my emotions, my well-being. So, with that, watch this space for me to see if I can avoid reaching the point of oversaturation.

~T ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‰โ™‹๏ธ

Parallelism & Coping

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jan 122022
 

This year is the year of writing for me. To achieve my writing goals, I must also take on the task of revisiting my past through memories, paperwork, and quite possibly interactions.

It is always interesting to observe how the Universe works when one opens up to the possibility of whatever may come. Although I have not specifically asked for help with my biological family search, I have always left it to the fates of timing to reveal what I should know, or what direction to go, when deemed ready to do so.

Toward the end of last year, I watched a talk about the role of DNA testing in connecting families. I also saw a film that documented Chinese adoptees searching, and some connecting in what seemed like impossible circumstances to their birth families. So, I began to rethink the wall that I had hit in my own search.

My first step in trying to scale that wall was to finally contact the original adoption agency that was involved in bringing me over from Korea to Oregon. With the help of my first foster mother in Oregon, who had told me years ago to do this, and my mom, I put in my request and waited.

Then, yesterday morning, I had the wonderful opportunity to speak with someone on behalf of the platform. She has become deeply involved in helping overseas Korean adoptees search, advocate, and find biological families, as well as work to recognize the human right of adoptees to know their origins.

As I spoke to her about my own story, she verified a growing acceptance that it sounds as if I was a fill-in for the adoption papers I have. This would explain why the family with my birth mother’s name on my paperwork do not match with my DNA. She offered to look at the Korean paperwork that I have and see if there is any hidden information that didn’t get translated or is lost in it.

Coincidentally, if you believe in it, I also received a reply from Plan International (now Choice Adoptions) to further my request for my paperwork.

So, experience has taught me that when more than one sign is given on the same topic, I should follow it.

In following, I find that the timing of also writing my story into a fictional novel is…well, timely.

As I write, I will need to consider how the story will continue to unfold and if what I write should follow what actually happens despite it being a fictional story. Or, will the act of writing it also create a parallel reality for me? The truth is that my novel is based on my life as an adoptee, but not necessarily IS about my life. Still, I know that I must tread lightly and find balance in the pursuit of my truth and the creation of another.

This space will likely serve as a coping arena as I work through the process of both paths that I am committed to following. Hope you’re looking forward to it as much as I!

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

If I am Found, does it mean I am lost?

 Going Mental  4 Responses »
Nov 032021
 

I have just finished watching the Netflix documentary Found.

As it is National Adoption Awareness Month (NAAM), which is not something I really pay much attention to but due to running The Universal Asian, I have to be somewhat aware, at least. This article from the Huffington Post made me nod quite a few times as it is also why I tend not to celebrate these kinds of ‘awareness’ days/months, etc.

Still, as I try to keep abreast of what is going on in the Asian diaspora, and this being the month it is, I thought that I would make a bit more of an effort to educate, or familiarize, myself with other stories that are being shared. The girls/ladies in Found made me reminisce on my younger days when I also was struggling with whether or not I would search for my biological family. Now that I have and come up to a dead end, I find my reaction to the film dredges up a weird sense of anger toward the country, government, system, and even the parents, on the concept of giving up their children. It is all so incredibly inhumane for no justifiable reason that results in so much grief and pain no matter how well one goes on with their life.

As I watched with feelings of sadness, disappointment, and also empathy, I couldn’t help but think on the current state of my search.

I have done DNA testing with those who should be related to me according to my paperwork, and yet they are not related to me at all. My closest DNA relation confirmed is a third cousin; and it is possible that I have found a closer cousin, but she has yet to take steps to confirm that.

On top of that, are the myriad of stories related to the Social Welfare Society that orchestrated my first adoption as being rather notorious for switching babies’ identities at the last minute if a child was returned to their biological homes or something else happened to them. Therefore, it makes me question everything I know about my origins including my name, birth date, etc. because what should have been a straightforward search has left me with so much doubt and mistrust of the information I have.

In watching the film, we get to see the side of the biological parents who are not necessarily actively searching, but are waiting to be found.

I have experienced three different occasions in which I have been told that I should search for my biological family. In fact, they were the impetus behind me starting the process. One NYC taxi driver told me that they were waiting for me to find them because most are not able or don’t know how to go about searching. This film confirmed that. If it weren’t for the woman helping to connect the adoptees with their biological families, the families would not have bothered to move forward in finding their children since they are all poor, feel guilt, and/or don’t know where or how to start.

So, again, I revert back to my own story.

Could someone actually be searching for me, but I was switched when adopted and so they cannot find me? Or, is my paperwork accurate and the truth will always be a mystery?

Either way, I feel anger at the system.

Don’t get me wrong, my love for my adoptive parents does not change, but don’t forget that they didn’t adopt me from Korea. The Universe brought us together for a mutual benefit to each other.

Still, whenever I am told that I must feel lucky for being adopted or expected to feel grateful that I didn’t grow up in an orphanage, I feel anger. I don’t feel lucky and I don’t feel grateful.

I am not lucky to have lost knowing who and where I came from. I am not grateful that I do not fully fit in, nor am fully accepted, in my adoptive country nor my birth one. I am not lucky to have been adopted multiple times and suffered for it. I am not grateful for my supposed better life, because who knows what kind of life I could have had. While growing up in an orphanage may have made me question if I was loved, I would have known my language, my food, and my culture. While I could have had a tough and poor life with my biological family, I would have known my people, my DNA history, my tribe. Of course, I could have still suffered abuse. Likewise, I could have still gotten a decent education and traveled abroad. We will never know the what ifs/could have beens.

Still, just because I haven’t been ‘found’ nor ‘found’ my biological family, I have to say I am not lost. While there was loss in my adoption journey, I know I have found myself along the way.

Thus, the documentary is well worth a viewing; and maybe there will be something new to be Found.

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

You are Not Alone

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 052017
 

The other day I was contemplating how to write the stories of my life and how to convey them in such a way that is actually of interest. I mean everyone has life stories and everyone has their own unique experiences, so why would anyone want to read mine? 

However, as I listened to a podcast on Insights at the Edge with Tami Simon interviewing Bonnie Badenoch (wrote about this podcast earlier) on how our recovery from trauma comes from having a sense of community and that we can overcome when we do not feel alone or allow ourselves to wallow in our own darkness and sense of despair.

I think that is what my purpose is in this life. A few days ago I wrote a post on what I really dream about and it is to write – to share my story so that others do not feel alone as I did growing up or even now. It is not a matter of wanting to feel special or unique, instead it is a matter of being recognized for the experience that is my own and the overcoming of the traumas despite living with them on my own.
While we can say that no man is an island and no person can take sole responsibility for achieving what they have achieved in life because there will have been others in his/her life that will have contributed to the circumstances that made such a person overcome, be successful or whatever the reality may be. Still, we should not take away from the individual’s strength, character and perseverance to allow the influences of others into his/her life and to move forward positively. Children from the same parents can end up completely different. We all have choices and these choices take us down our paths in life. 
The other night, we watched the movie Lion. It was about a young boy who accidentally gets on an empty train carriage, falls asleep and awakes to find that he is on the move to somewhere unknown. He ends up lost, taken in as an orphan, sent for adoption in Australia and later tries to find his roots to his mother, sister and beloved brother, who dies the same night he is taken away on the train.
It was perhaps a bit dark, but I liked the realistic aspect of it because adoption is still not discussed in its deepest and darkest corners. 
So, it is when I see movies like these that I wonder – isn’t my story also worth a film? ๐Ÿ˜›
Then, the answer comes, if I do not write the story and share it, then how will anyone ever have the chance of making a movie of it someday??? ๐Ÿ˜€
Thus, it is time for me to do some writing and to properly schedule in my time so that it gets done. Now that yoga is picking up and life is finding some sense of stability again, I can continue to create this space by scheduling it in! :d
Time to look at the calendar then. 
~T ๐Ÿ˜€

My Adoption Journey โ€“ 5E: Another Birth Family Development

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 022016
 

It has been a while since there has been any development about my birth family search. In all honesty I had put it on the back burner to simmer until I was ready to do anything else or until something else came up.

Back in August of last year, I posted on the results of a DNA test taken by my potential aunt. They were negative. I agreed to leave her alone from that point forward when she was no longer willing to answer questions that I had as it still seemed quite odd that the adoption agency in Korea had no doubts that it was her family that I came from. Still, I wanted to be respectful so I stopped communication with her.

Before she had agreed to all of this, I had done a bit of digging on FB for the daughters of the woman who is said to be my birthmother. She had two with the American man she married. I sent them both an FB message privately and did not receive any responses due to FB’s filtering system.

In June of this year, I did reach out to the man she married (the girls’ father) whom I also found on FB. Again, it was a long shot that it would even get seen.

Well, it did just the other day. One of the daughters sent me a message saying her father had gotten my message and then she checked hers. She said she was happy to answer any questions if she could. We have had a quick chat, but she does not know much more than what I know – unfortunately. There is one possible action, but she is pondering it for now.

In the meantime, her aunt HS is upset. Why?! I received a message from her basically threatening me to stop ‘pestering’ her family. Perhaps I am not yet ready to see her side of it, but as far as I am concerned I have not gone beyond her wishes. I made my initial contact years before she was willing to help me. It is not my doing that now is when the contact has come to some kind of result. Nor is it against our agreement that I would not contact her any further. I understand that perhaps she feels as if she took care of the situation and now she is involved in it again – Korean families – but as I nicely explained to her – this is MY story not hers. I have the freedom to explore further and if someone else in her extended family wants to help me, then that is his/her choice, not the aunt’s. I am being as respectful as I can and am not pushing for anything – just asking what people know and offering options or looking for help where possible.

Maybe I am wrong in this, but I am not yet seeing it.

So, that’s the new ‘drama’ in this interesting search. The real question is, if she is not my birthmother then what IS the story that brought our families together…? There is a story there somewhere. There are missing pieces for sure…, so the detective in me continues to let the clues fall into place. ๐Ÿ™‚

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

My Adoption Journey โ€“ 5D: Birth Family Update

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 092015
 

So…is the suspense killing you???? ๐Ÿ˜›

The results at the beginning of June revealed that…HSย isย NOTย my biological family!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Yep…after all that assumption that if I were to search I would find them, it seems that I am actually even less able to find my biological parents than those who were given zero information.

To be honest, I have to say that I felt relief when I found out. It was weighing on me thinking about having a huge extended family to contend with. Now, I realized that I am totally free of any blood responsibilities. Although I am an ‘orphan’ without any clue as to who my birth parents might be, I am also very much a free agent. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Still, curiosity remains…all those crime shows and investigative thoughts have started to come into my mind. WHO are my birth parents then that they went through a great deal of effort to hide their true identity from me? Or, is there more to the Om family than meets the eye? Was KB also adopted so that she would not have the same DNA as HS, whom I did the test with? After all, HSย did say that KB was the only one of the sisters who did not look like the others…could it be because she was not originally part of the Om family?

My paperwork clearly marks the Om name as my family name with their address. The father is the one who would know, but he passed away in 2001. So, now all I have is speculation. IF someone did use KB’s name for the paperwork, then why? Most South Korean families are poor or uneducated and giving up a child is not so complicated to take the time to hide an identity – just leave the poor baby at a police box or such if need be. So, who are these people that would make such an effort?

For most of my childhood I fantasized that I was a princess hidden away from the royal family’s enemies to protect me and someday I would be found to return to my rightful place. Yes, I have always had a vivid imagination – but now I may not be so far off!!! ๐Ÿ˜› My mom says to go with a mafia story – my birth parents were wanted by the mafia crime syndicate and they gave me up to protect me from being killed. ๐Ÿ˜€

Or, a more plausible option is that my birth parents were North Korean or at least one of them was and were being helped by the Om family – thus being allowed to use KB’s name and her father’s on my paperwork. This would perhaps explain why I could not be put into the family registry – as noted on my paperwork.

Or, a new option could be that KB is not an Om…and the only way to find out the truth on that would be to get her DNA directly…but that is not really an option at this point.

Since updating HS with the DNA results, she has closed off connection – fair enough to her. I am sure that it was an upsetting ordeal to begin with and now that there is clear proof that we are not biologically connected, she does not owe me anything. Still, my curiosity is increasing….

Ultimately, though, I do not feel an emotional need to find the ‘truth’. I am totally okay with the freedom of no known blood ties anywhere. It goes with my personality and who I have become. Yet…I know that the story is not yet finished…..

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

My Adoption Journey โ€“ 5C: Birth Family Update

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 072015
 

The end of May arrived and about once a week I would check the website for an update on the DNA results, though I knew they would also send an email.

Since both samples were under my account, I could switch back and forth on what was being revealed.

My mind wasย swinging back and forth on how I might feel about the results.

The idea of possibly having a biological family that was partially in Korea, partially in the States was enormous to me. I began to think about what would be expected of me should they really be my biological family. Would I build relationships with my potential birth mother’s sisters and her daughters – my half-sisters? Would I have to go to Korea to meet extended relatives there and deal with the shame or sympathy that would go along with that? What exactly would we become? Did I evenย want all of that?

People asked me what my gut was saying about the possible results. A part of me felt that this must be my biological family. Things seemed to fit together and I felt as if there must be a reason for why I would oddly wanted to live in Washington state when I was a teenagerย and the draw that I had/have for Hawai’i. One of my friends said that it was probably true and that they have a saying in Spanish that the blood draws the heart – meaning that there’s a chance my heart has always known. Still, without hard facts, there is no way to prove it and I’m a hard facts kind of person. Besides, how did I know if it was my mind and heart wanting the answer to be that it was indeed them?

On the other side, if this was not to be my biological family, then what did that mean for me? All of my life I had believed that I could find them easily with all of the information that I was given that other adoptees had not. If it wasn’t them, then where were my biological parents and who are they really? Maybe I am truly an orphan? Maybe my fairy tale story of being royalty and hidden away for my safety is actually true???? ๐Ÿ˜€

So, I really was torn between the two possibilities. I spoke with a coach about it, just to make sure that I really was not going to be unbalanced by one answer or another. It seemed I was going to be okay with whatever the results would be….

๐Ÿ˜€ -T

My Adoption Journey – 5B: Birth Family Update

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 052015
 

To continue….

So, two years later, I received an email from HS inquiring as to how I was and apologizing for not writing sooner, but that she needed time to process. She asked me to connect with her on Kakao Talk, which is the Korean version of WhatsApp. So, I did.

We exchanged a few messages and pictures. She updated me on life and asked me to call her “Auntie” in Korean. Hm…this felt a bit too much for me! I still didn’t even know if she was my “family” or not. So, I tried and then approached the topic of DNA testing again.

She didn’t seem aware of how it works, but I explained that services like 23andme.com were simple and easy to do – just send in a spit sample. She agreed to do it.

Therefore, early in the year, I ordered two boxes to be shipped out – one for me and one for her. As they do not ship to the UAE, I planned to complete it while home visiting my parents over spring break at the end of March.

HS and I continued to exchange messages now and then, but what is there to say when you aren’t sure if there is a reason to build a relationship or not? I did get the sense that she was thinking that this might be a reason for why her sister, KB, had lost touch with reality. I also felt that it could explain some things. Still, the part of the story where no one seemed to know anything and the fact that her age didn’t match up was lingering in my mind. However, none of this would be all that strange in a country that doesn’t admit to ibyangs (adoptees) or the loss of face unless forced to. So, I was impressed that HS was willing anyway to give it a go.

We both sent off our samples, only to find that she needed to redo it. Thankfully, 23andme allows for a second sample for free if there is some error, so our results were delayed by another month or so. In the meantime, I tried to not think about it too much….

๐Ÿ˜€ -T

My Adoption Journey – 5A: Birth Family Update

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 032015
 

I know that I promised some updates on my travels this summer, but as I have finally processed a bit about the results of my birth family search, I thought perhaps I would write on that today.

As I was just going back over this blog, I realized that my last posting on this topic was over three years ago!!! Eeks, a lot has happened since then.

So, let me pick up where I left off and then will continue this series as I go along.

—-

After being contacted by SWS that they had possibly found the sisters of my recorded birth mother, they were able to convince one of the sisters to speak with me: ย Om Hyo Son.

I received her contact info and, as my posting at that time suggested, gave her a call while I was in the States. We had a short chat, even though her English isn’t the best. It turns out that she lives in Hawai’i and is the third daughter of four daughters – all living in the States. There are also two brothers (one older and one younger) who still live in Korea. The oldest sister was the other one that SWS (the adoption agency) had found, but she did not want to have anything to do with the matter and refused any communication or help.

So, luckily HyoSon felt some pity and sense of responsibility if I was truly a ‘released’ part of the family. Unfortunately, she said that her sister, the second oldest and woman said to be my birth mother (Om Kyung Boon), had had a mental breakdown about 10 years prior and she had not been able to communicate with her since. In fact, no one had (it sounds like she may have schizophrenia). Sadly, KyungBoon had needed to live in an assisted care facility, lost her husband to divorce and may or may not have contact with her two daughters – potentially my two half-sisters – with no one to help her. The eldest sister seemed to be the only one who visited or had knowledge of where she was located. Thus, HyoSon could not give me any more information. She did not know what else she could do at that point given that her eldest sister would not budge on not wanting to associate with me. Furthermore, no one believed it was possible since her sister would have only been 18 years old not 21 years old at the time of my birth, which means my papers were wrong. HyoSon also mentioned that in those days sometimes people paid to use someone else’s names on documents to protect themselves, but she said there was no way to know for sure. She felt that perhaps her father might know more, but he had passed away recently leaving no other options.

HyoSon left the door open, though after our conversation on the phone and gave me her email address. We exchanged a few messages where I suggested that we could have a DNA test done to confirm our possible blood connection. She claimed she didn’t know how this would be possible since she didn’t have any contact with KyungBoon.

Then, I didn’t hear from her again…until two years later!

๐Ÿ˜€ -T

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