Jul 262024
 

Life is complicated and a roller coaster at times. Is it this way for everyone, or do other people have stable mental states and day-to-days? Would I want that even if I could? – Probably not.

Nothing is wrong, per se. All is well physically, financially, etc. Yet, my mental state is jumbled.

I’m a combination of bored and lonely, more with a sense of isolation than being on my own or without friends. I lack intellectual stimulation and outlets. Sure, I would say a lot of this is of my own creation due to being introverted or less tolerant of people. However, some of it is also just not having enough to engage my mind on a daily basis.

This is proven in the fact that I’ve read three books in a week. I also have two Italian books, and three more books on the go from audio, digital and paper. On top of that, I write blog posts, poems daily, and a smattering here and there. So, it’s not a lack of input or activity, just that it’s not enough overall.

There’s a vibe that comes from life in a city. Even if I don’t engage with other people directly, I can thrive on the energy of others in the space of a cafe, a shop, the streets. In the countryside, I hide from the heat, the bugs, the allergies, the sounds of the country. It’s just harder for me to find my place, which I’m sure may seem crazy to many.

So, I’ve been working toward changing that. I recently returned to doing pottery and think I can do that regularly again, which makes me SUPER happy. I’ve also joined an online book club and decided to do a training course that will last two years starting in February. Plus, we’ve got trips planned and other activities coming up soon. It’s all on a positive trajectory.

I think I had no idea how hard it would hit me having to sit around doing little in the midst of one of the hottest summers (Julys) in Italy on my own whilst the final stage of my ankle healing happened. I thought it would be easy to endure a few weeks, but I was wrong.

Not being able to jump in cooling waters or shower properly or sleep comfortably definitely takes a toll. Sitting in a cool, dark room many days in a row is not conducive to bright and happy mental health.

The impact of these past few weeks is hitting its peak now. M and I are arguing over things. He thinks I’m just unhappy with life; thus, him. I think he’s being self-centered as my mood has nothing to do with him. We argue, yet nothing positive changes. So, we argue again. It’s just a passing moment, I know.

What I don’t know is how long it will last. I have no idea if I will soon be in a better mood or if it’s a matter of waiting for the season to change. So, while I/we suffer through the unknown, I shall read more books, write, and take it one day at a time.

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

May 202021
 

Yes, pictures are coming, but saving that post for when I have fewer words to share. 😅

M went on a trip for mostly business, but a little pleasure (for both of us) this week. He left on Tuesday afternoon and returns on Saturday evening.

His original plans were to combine a stop in Spain and Brussels, but the Spain portion got moved, so rather than cancel or limit the Brussels portion, he extended it. Plus, then he’ll still go to Spain next week. 🙌🏽

Now, I’m not going to lie. When the trips were planned initially, I was not for it as the timing was less than ideal. Panic and PTSD rose in me so that my poor husband thought that I wouldn’t let him go at all – ever. He had forgotten that I have been dying for some solitude, quiet, and independence for months – 16 in fact.

However, the timing coincided with having to move out of our rental and head to Italy thereafter along with the fact that I still do not have more than a number to legitimize my being in a foreign country. I think I had a fair point on why he shouldn’t be traipsing off. Though, I probably could have expressed with less drama and emotion, but well… it’s done. 🤪

So, when we found out that we had to return to France 🇫🇷 anyway, I was more open to the idea of him going off for a few days – more like ecstatic! 🤣 Even though it meant coming back a bit earlier and paying more money for a place, it has been more than worth it!

While we have ridden out the past year plus quite well and our love remains fully intact, there is a lot to be said for a bit of time apart. Before, I could enjoy quiet moments at home most days with M off to work at his office. Then, we started sharing workspace. Our styles greatly differ by the nature of our work, but also by who we are as individuals. Although he, as an extrovert, wasn’t able to see others and charge up in that way, he could still refill his batteries by venting on the phone, Zoom, etc. Unfortunately, this does not work for an introvert, who needs silence and alone time to recharge. My batteries have been running on low for 16 months…. 16 …

It’s only been two days, but already I can feel a sense of myself again. I have made sure that I see friends each day so that I don’t completely close up into my shell, but my batteries are charging reminding me of who I am when full.

With about two more days to go, I will continue to recharge but also take the opportunity to think about how to bring back the balance for myself once M is back. It’s not like he can go away every week – nor do I really want him to -, but the importance of making sure I can recharge better has been noted. 😇

~T 😀

Oct 122018
 

I am not a fan of the underwater. While others seem to have a fascination of life below the land surface, I do not. In fact, I have a great fear of drowning from an attack by the creatures below.

The worst types of water creatures for me are those with snake-like features – especially the Octopus. Although my fear may be irrationally based on images from pop culture, I imagine one swipe of the suction-cup side of a limb will poison me to death as it carries me down into the dark depths of the ocean drowning out my existence. (Dramatic?!) Therefore, I try to avoid situations that might give any such kind of creature an opportunity to darken my world.

Negativity receives a similar response.

I firmly believe people have auras that surround them. Some people see it in color. Some see it in shades from light to dark. Some see it as balls of energy. Or, any combination of readings. (Some may not see them at all ;))

For me, I see shades from light to dark with aspects of energy sparks. Those who carry around dark shades with high sparks of energy are the octopuses of the land-walkers. Not only will their limbs of negativity poison you, their suckers consume the energies of light others carry around. The seeming cliche imagery of dark clouds covering sunlight is not for nothing.

This is not to say that I am always a ray of sunshine to mine or others’ lives. However, I do try my best (perhaps my husband would disagree 😛 ) to stay upbeat and positive.

So, when we are individually struggling with our own balance and maintenance to stay in the light, it is all the more frustrating and irritating to have to deal with the dark limbs of others’ negativity. 

An online search on how to deal with colleagues or others who fit this description provides results with advice that are obvious and yet nearly impossible:  avoid them, tell them, listen with compassion as much as you can, put yourself in their shoes, blah blah blah.

I recently went to a talk called Sacred Self-Care. One of the points the speaker, Nirmal Raj Gyawali pointed out was that we have a finite amount of energy throughout a limited amount of time (our lives). Therefore, why spend energy and time on the things that do us no good? In yoga speak, we say ‘those things which do not serve us’. 

With this in mind, then, rather than just forcing myself to have compassion (which is still needed) or enduring the poisonous sparks of negative energy that threaten to put out the light I try to shine, I feel as if I should just walk away. 

In today’s world and real-life situations, that means putting on my headphones in the office to tune out those who are spewing out dark flames or, at times, it might even mean taking some ‘mental health’ days to stay at home to recoup and store up energy to keep the light shining not only within myself, but hopefully for others in my life as well.

Still, there are days (like today) where the negative poison enters my veins. Without an outlet like posting here, I am sure that the dark clouds would smother the positive light.

Thankfully, I think I have managed to fight off the threatening limbs of negativity as the weekend is about to begin. 😀

~T 😀

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