Hello There, It’s Me!

 Going Mental, Writing  2 Responses »
May 272021
 

Below is a piece that I wrote in a short three-week “Adoption Writing Experience” class that I have been taking. Today is sadly the last of the series, but it has made me fall in love with writing again. So, thank you, 🙏🏽AP! 💞

“Within two days on my own, I feel as if I’ve let out my breath from holding it for the past 16 months. My husband is lovely. He’s a cheerful labrador, but I prefer to liken him to a poodle on crack. His energy consumes while mine diffuses. As I exhale, he inhales, but I inhale his exhale.

As a couple, the teeter-totter balancing act is what keeps the adventure of life going; sometimes one is up, others times it’s down. However, like being at the bottom while trying to carry something up a flight of stairs, the weight can become heavier and heavier. 

I think now, this was me over the last couple of months.

Perhaps Lady Universe heard my sighs and heavily whispered pleas for a break, because I finally have found a way out of the heavy load. My breath can be my own again.

Solitude and quiet recharge me. It’s in the quiet that I can filter the noise and find my own voice. Like sifting through the cereal box to find the special toy, I need space to pour out the box and move the marshmallows and bits that distract from the prize.

When I can write and hear my own voice, I can be what I need to be for others. When this is overridden, I struggle and all the other voices in my head start to make me feel like I’m going crazy.

So, it is nice to say Hello to me again and to let myself know that I’m not losing my mind, but rather finding it again.

My resolution for when my lovely bouncing ball of energy returns is to gently let him know that I need the space and time daily to hear myself so that we can continue to teeter-totter together with joy rather than let the burden get heavy again.”

———————

I wrote this last week and then M came home. It was a strange feeling having him back as four days was just enough for me to get into my own rhythm and settle into my ways. There was an inner turmoil in me that I had to observe as I think that I had an increased load on my sympathetic nervous system. 💪🏽🏃🏽‍♀️

Inside, I felt unjustifiably bitter that I was letting go of my newfound routine just because M was back. However, logic and reasoning returned to remind me, “Tara, you’re an adult, nothing is stopping you from doing what you want. Just be reasonable.”

So, I did.

My yoga and meditation time returned easily. My writing time, though, still needs some work to compromise on the head/energy space. We both like to be outside in the sun when we can, but he likes/needs to talk or have noise and I do not. Therefore, a schedule is probably needed on my part so that I can find that quiet space, whether in the sun or not, and still have time to enjoy the extroverted lifestyle each day.

In any case, I’ve been given another couple of days of quiet to keep working on the balance and defining the priorities. So, thank you Universe! 😇☀️🙏🏽

~T 😀

16 Months of Togetherness

 Going Mental  1 Response »
May 202021
 

Yes, pictures are coming, but saving that post for when I have fewer words to share. 😅

M went on a trip for mostly business, but a little pleasure (for both of us) this week. He left on Tuesday afternoon and returns on Saturday evening.

His original plans were to combine a stop in Spain and Brussels, but the Spain portion got moved, so rather than cancel or limit the Brussels portion, he extended it. Plus, then he’ll still go to Spain next week. 🙌🏽

Now, I’m not going to lie. When the trips were planned initially, I was not for it as the timing was less than ideal. Panic and PTSD rose in me so that my poor husband thought that I wouldn’t let him go at all – ever. He had forgotten that I have been dying for some solitude, quiet, and independence for months – 16 in fact.

However, the timing coincided with having to move out of our rental and head to Italy thereafter along with the fact that I still do not have more than a number to legitimize my being in a foreign country. I think I had a fair point on why he shouldn’t be traipsing off. Though, I probably could have expressed with less drama and emotion, but well… it’s done. 🤪

So, when we found out that we had to return to France 🇫🇷 anyway, I was more open to the idea of him going off for a few days – more like ecstatic! 🤣 Even though it meant coming back a bit earlier and paying more money for a place, it has been more than worth it!

While we have ridden out the past year plus quite well and our love remains fully intact, there is a lot to be said for a bit of time apart. Before, I could enjoy quiet moments at home most days with M off to work at his office. Then, we started sharing workspace. Our styles greatly differ by the nature of our work, but also by who we are as individuals. Although he, as an extrovert, wasn’t able to see others and charge up in that way, he could still refill his batteries by venting on the phone, Zoom, etc. Unfortunately, this does not work for an introvert, who needs silence and alone time to recharge. My batteries have been running on low for 16 months…. 16 …

It’s only been two days, but already I can feel a sense of myself again. I have made sure that I see friends each day so that I don’t completely close up into my shell, but my batteries are charging reminding me of who I am when full.

With about two more days to go, I will continue to recharge but also take the opportunity to think about how to bring back the balance for myself once M is back. It’s not like he can go away every week – nor do I really want him to -, but the importance of making sure I can recharge better has been noted. 😇

~T 😀

The Neutral Zone

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 242019
 

I feel anxious.

I feel happy.

I feel old.

I feel in love.

I feel tired.

I feel loved.

I feel alone.

I feel content.

I feel stressed.

I feel vibrant.

I feel worried.

I feel joyful.

I feel bored.

I feel peaceful.

How can I feel all these things at once?

The minimizing answer is that I am a woman.

The avoidance response is that I am human.

The truth… there does not need to be an answer.

These days, I have been in what I call the ‘neutral zone’. There is nothing to report about what is good or bad because everything is somehow strangely in balance. Nothing is extreme; thus nothing needs to be shared.

It’s a bit of a strange feeling because I don’t know how to respond to people’s question of “How are things?”. I feel unsure how to respond because, well, it’s good and it’s bad.

We get used to glossing over life and neutralizing everything into “it’s fine” or “not bad”. However, I think I really am in the state where these responses are truth.

How surreal….

~T 😀

Purpose

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 022018
 

Sunny days in Japan means that it’s a laundry day. One can see clothes hanging on balconies outside throughout the city. The decision on when to do laundry is not really left to one’s own schedule or choice, but is instead determined by the whims of nature.

In this, I ponder a parallel in wondering how much free choice we truly have, or are we already fulfilling what the universe has determined that we should be doing?

Perhaps our freedom of choice lies is in deciding when to stop refusing to take the path meant for us? Perhaps, then, our unhappiness and discontent is in our stubbornness in believing we know a better way….

Sometimes (OK, most of the time!), it is easier to see what other people should or should not be doing with their  lives than in our own. So, lately, I have been trying to remove the judging instinct and reflect….

I question regularly if I am avoiding a path before me? Am I refusing to see a way that is meant to be? Am I afraid to take a road less traveled?

My instinct says, “No!”

But, the truth is, I really don’t know.

My ego wants to believe that I am slightly more aware and in tune with myself than most and yet… perhaps I am deluded.

Maybe I just don’t know what I don’t know, or don’t want to know it.

The best way I do know how to judge myself objectively (if it’s even possible) is by my mental state. Given the fact that I have tendencies for extreme ups and downs, if I am fairly even keeled mentally, then I tend to think I am on the right path. When my mental state gets unbalanced, then perhaps it is because I have started to meander off the best trajectory.

With that as a working gauge, these days, I’m definitely feeling more and more on an even keel. My wheel of life actually feels like it is starting to even out so that all spokes of the wheel are moving forward smoothly.

My job is good. My finances are improving. My health is stable. My friendships are strong (at least from my perspective 😛 ). My love life is fabulous. My free time is spent pleasurably.

All in all, I am more content with life than I have been for a long time. I generally feel at peace in my heart and mind. While I may complain about various aspects of life here and there about decisions to be made – as any normal person does -, I do feel quite satisfied with where I am.

With all that said, I do have a sense that there is more I should/could be doing. I’m never one to just be content with life – even when all is good! 😉

So, while I have renewed my own practice in yoga and meditation, I am not teaching it again (yet). While I have settled into a job and made the circumstances as ideal as I can, I’m not fulfilled or satisfied enough with just that. Therefore, maybe it’s time to start taking steps towards doing more….

As I contemplate this, I also come to a revised understanding of knowing whether or not I’m on the right track. When everything in my life is aligned, then opportunities seem to open up serendipitously. The idea that those who have get more chances to have more seems to be true in a way. This is not a boast in any way, but I am aware that when my life is in balance I am able to see more than when my focus is on particular aspects of life. A bit like ‘seeing the forest for the trees’ rather than ‘the trees for the forest’.

In my next post, I’ll share with you what I think is an example of what I’m trying to say here….

~T 😀

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