bipolar disorder – Creative Meanderings

Moody

Mar 182024

The mood swings are real today and it’s not yet 10 am. 🫤 I didn’t post on Friday either because I couldn’t quite figure out what to write about or how to formulate my thoughts. So, this may just be a random post of ups and downs, ins and outs.

A friend is going in to surgery today for his prostate. Yesterday, we saw another friend who just had prostate surgery and is still recovering even after a month.

Although I was in for a very different reason, I find myself heavily empathizing with these folks who have to spend any time in a hospital, worry about surgery, and cope with recovery. It’s been just over a year now since I had my ankle drama and yet I still suffer from stiffness and a little fear of breaking it again. I can remember the days in the hospital, the near tears over the thought of another hospital meal, and the creeping despair that one day I might die alone in a room with no one knowing. Of course, the latter sounds overly dramatic, but the thoughts do run the gambit when stuck in unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and unsatisfying circumstances. 😬

In any case, some of my thoughts and energies are going towards them in hopes of swiftness and ease.

Then, there is the grey of today. The weekend was actually quite lovely with sun shining and warmth in the air. Yet, I still had little clouds lingering over me. 😟 One reason was the need to get out and away from the house.

Lately, M has been content to potter around the garden, planting vegetables and flowers, mowing the lawn and doing all things domestic outside. He did get me to plant a few things in pots that we moved around the patio, so that was my brief outdoor activity. However, I also pushed for getting into town for garden center shopping on Saturday and lunch in town on Sunday. We took the pups in for lunch for the first time in almost a year and they were little stars – no major barking or even pulling on the leads. Phew was that a relief! 😁

Another reason was lasting triggers from childhood. My dad always wanted me to be outside. If it was sunny, it was expected that I would want to be outside. Yet, I never really did. I mean, I love the sunshine and being warm, but in the spring when it seems most get the fever, I just want to hide indoors. My nose itches, my eyes water, and so being out on a “beautiful spring day” equals misery unless it is in town with a cup of coffee or over a delicious meal – ha! 😅

Of course, I shouldn’t let these things cast shadows. I am an adult now fully in control of my own actions and moods. Still, the mind is a mysterious control center that can surreptitiously push the spirit off balance. Then, before we are aware, our moods have fallen into a valley with only one way out – through it. 💪🏽

So, that is perhaps where I am. Fortunately, I have plenty to distract myself with in terms of work and other activities. I have managed to find some outlets for myself to get involved in, but more on that later.

With that, I feel better now. Thanks for reading me through the process! 🤪

Until next time,

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Ups and Downs Check-in

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 222021

It has been ages since I have written about my ‘ups and downs’ as I think that they have been much less extreme since the “new norm” involved being at home more than out.

If there ever was a doubt that I am an introvert, I think that the past nine months have wiped away any inkling of that as truth.

So, there really haven’t been any ‘downs’ lately. It’s not that I don’t fight the urge some days to sleep all day or spend a day on the couch, but thanks to a new environment and plenty to keep me busy I have been able to channel any darker energies into something productive.

More than the ‘downs’, I notice my ‘ups’ more because they are slightly extreme in that the amount that I get done in a day seems a bit outrageous. Being a list-lover, I can easily see how much I do and even shock myself – no brag.

Still, being around someone who is naturally high energy, or really ADHD, I tend not to think of my ‘ups’ as all that abnormal. However, there are times when I start to feel a bit exhausted or my sleep gets interrupted that I realize that it might be time to slow down a bit more.

Thanks to meditation and exercise, I know how to handle myself, but it’s important for me to check-in and regulate. Thus, all is well, but will note if there is a ‘down’ on the way any time soon or not. 😛

~T 😀

A Bit of a Funk

Going Mental 1 Response »

Oct 252019

I know it’s been a while since I have written. I kept thinking about sitting down to write a post and then I didn’t.

Time passes by quickly whether I am happy or whether I am sad. Time stops for no one. It’s really just a matter of how we spend the time.

People go through phases. Regular patterns reveal themselves throughout the year if we take the time to note them.

For me, the end of summer always brings a busy period and so it seems quite consistent that I write less in the early fall due to external factors. Probably, it is also the time when a low period hits after having to return to a normal schedule after being on holidays.

While this year wasn’t this case, I suppose that it was still a quiet period in terms of me pondering ‘out loud’ the meanderings of my mind.

On top of all that, I have realized that I have been in a bit of a funk. I was keeping busy to avoid acknowledging it or processing the source. My ups and downs are less obvious these days because overall life is fairly chill.

However, there has been quite a lot whirling in my mind.

During our recent holiday (post on that coming eventually), I 95% went off-grid. The remaining 5% was for a few minutes of mindless scrolling on social media, watching a video here and there, and keeping up with my French studies on Duolingo.

In any case, I read a book in a day (pictured above – nice when the cover matches the scenery, huh?!), watched the changing cloud patterns, drank tea and wine in our outdoor bathtub, swam in the sea, contemplated whether or not a school of fish could actually eat my body, enjoyed the rugby 🏉 matches, savored our nightly 8-course meals, laughed with my husband about nonsense, absorbed the ‘real purty’ scenery on our drives, and basically let my mind process what it needed.

While I’m not necessarily out of the funk, I definitely have a clearer idea of where my mind has been. The cogs of the wheel have been cleaned and oiled a bit, so I imagine I will finally be back to posting again. 😀

More to come….

~T 😀

Flexible Inflexibility

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 182019

It has been a while since I have checked in about my ups and downs. Somehow, they seem to be less frequent or, at least, less obvious to me. Perhaps, I should ask my husband, though! 😛

Actually, with my middle-aged body changes, I really don’t know if my moods and energy levels are related to hormones or the bipolar tendencies.

What I do know is that I need to maintain balance and calm to avoid being tired or feeling stressed.

One method that works well for me is following a set schedule every day, and that mostly includes the weekends and holidays too.

It may not work for everyone (though most self-help books back me up) and my schedule doesn’t always work for others in my life, but it is necessary for me to stay focused and contributes to my overall satisfaction with myself.

My husband would probably say that it is a bit dramatic, but my sensitivity levels to the world are high causing me more stress than it does for others – like him. Being around people (that really means ALL people) drains my energy and when living in a place like Tokyo, it drains faster like my iPhone battery when connected to too many bluetooth devices. The more connections or interactions I have, the more tired I get.

At the moment, I’m listening to Trevor Noah’s autobiography, Born A Crime, on Audible when I run out of podcasts for the week. I’m trying to fill my mind with a bit less true crime and more about the world or stories in general, especially inspiring ones (that’s not to say I’m not still completely obsessed, just dialing it down a bit 😛 ). Also, I find that with running, I can stay away from wondering when my run is finished while listening to a book more than if it is a short-timed podcast or even songs that end and allow me to get distracted. Anyway, I digress. He has a line that says,

“I was good at being alone. I’d read books, play with the toy that I had, make up imaginary worlds. I lived inside my head. I still live inside my head. To this day you can leave me alone for hours and I’m perfectly happy entertaining myself. I have to remember to be with people.”
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

This fits me to a ‘T’ as well.

So, this might be the year that I travel and do more for myself and my family, but see other people less. And, I’m okay with that.

Life has its phases and perhaps this is just one where the Cancerian side of me draws back in to my shell to refresh and revive for future phases.

Also, to keep a handle on my ups and downs, sticking to a schedule and planning ahead maintains an even keel for me and for others around me. It allows my mind, body, and soul to maintain a sense of freedom and control that keeps the pendulum ticking at an even pace. To me, this is balance and perfection for life.

Therefore, for my friends who read this blog and wonder why I might cancel (though I am a notorious serial canceler 😐 ) or not reach out as much as I normally would/do, it’s nothing personal to you – it’s me, not you 😀 .

Seriously, though, I do still appreciate the need for flexibility in life. So, as long as it does not affect my inflexibility with schedules to stay on target with my goals, I promise to be flexible with what remains. 😉

~T 😀

Days of Rest

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 302017

These days we are so into being ‘busy’ and complain about how we must surely be more ‘tired’ and ‘stressed’ than everyone else. In competing for the worst life situation, we create personalities that never learn how to relax and rest.

As an introvert, this is nearly impossible to maintain.

Luckily, being regularly considered odd and somewhat ‘eccentric’ provides me the luxury of using it to my advantage. This means that I work a little bit hard most of the time, now and then I also work extremely hard at resting.

Yesterday was one of those days. Although I still did some housework, I basically rested in bed all day watching TV shows on my iPad. I slept as I felt necessary. I ate when I felt hungry. I drank what I wanted as the mood moved me. By the end of the day I was refreshed and ready to rejoin the world.

On the outside, the time looks completely unproductive and worthless. However, on the inside, it was an amazing time spent in my company according to my own desires.

One thought that did come to me are some decisions regarding my mental health, so starting next week, I will be putting myself onto a regular yoga and meditation schedule with the goal of starting to come off my meds. Although I thought that I would wait until the end of the year, there is a nagging voice in my head saying that if I have good mental health and practice, I do not need chemical help. So, I feel it is time to walk the talk. 😀

So, these days of rest are extremely vital and I shall regularly schedule them in from now on!

~T 😀

FWPs

Going Mental No Responses »

Jun 012017

First World Problems (FWPs) should seem so trivial and yet I ungratefully linger upon them.

Despite having a roof over my head, extra weight on my body proving I am eating well enough, pets to love, a house full of electronics and so much more, I wallow in self-pity and dark corners.

Recently, I have had a couple of conversations around my desire to live. The honest, deep down truth is that I have very little. The reason I live – at least I think – is for other people. However, perhaps it is not really for them, but my worry, love and sense of responsibility to them.

I live for my husband. For I would feel sad for him to be left on his own again – possibly wandering and searching for another person to love. He has had enough sadness and disappointment in life that I do not feel as if it is up to me to add to that. My love for him is deep; thus, keeping me alive for him.

I live for my family. We still believe in our society today that suicide is a selfish act. People’s responses are generally, “What made someone feel that there was no other choice than to take their life?” Or, “How selfish can someone be to think that they have the right to take their life?” I just never look at it that way, but I know that others do including my family. Therefore, I do not want them to feel that I am ungrateful or unhappy with the life they provided for me.

I live for my friends. There are very few people in my life who are truly my friends. People let each other down all the time with their selfishness (me included!). Still, for the friends I do have, and I am lucky to have them call me as such, I would not want to leave them for what little I can offer them.

So, when I look back at why I would not take the step to end my life, ultimately and ironically, they are all about me! 😔 I do not want to feel guilty, or seen as ungrateful, or deprive others of my existence. 😳

Then, I realize it really is just a FWP that I even have the luxury to contemplate whether or not I would – let alone should.

The world is full of so much turmoil, sadness, and potential for either extreme disappointment or greatness. Therefore, it is up to me and other individuals to remember that my FWPs are indeed trivial and there is so much to be grateful for in my life. Using this gratitude and my God-given gifts to better the world and tip the scales to greatness should be my focus. Or, at least, this is what I am going to start to shift my attention towards as I learn to better balance my ups and downs.

💞T 😁

Dark to Light

Going Mental No Responses »

Dec 222016

Getting myself out of the house and remembering where I live is my first step to getting myself away from the threat of the dark state that wants to settle back in to my psyche disturbing my way of life.

Yesterday morning or maybe during the day I read this article on Facebook about the 6 Secret Signs of Hidden Depression. As I read it I said to myself, this is me every day and describes me on a regular basis even on my good days! 😳😬 I think that it kind of worried M a bit when I shared this reality because it is true that I have been a bit on the downward spiral with some days better than others, but in general lately I have felt especially tired and less motivated each morning to get up. 😔

Even this morning, I wondered to myself, what will motivate me to get out of the bed let alone out of the house? 🤔

First, the promise of getting to the pool for a swim (if the water was warm enough) was one step as our short trip the other day reminded both of us of the benefits of getting out in the sun and enjoy what this region has to offer with the wonderful weather this time of year. ☀️

Second, the cleaner was there and we both hate to be in the house when she is there. So, after getting her started, it was a good reason for me to not be in the house.

Ultimately, I also knew that I needed to make use of my time since M is away until afternoon for work and I have not been keeping up with my writing and planning time to get things done online. I do have quite a few things to do on the computer with some project ideas for ways to boost income online. This requires wifi, which is why I can sometimes justify staying inside all day; however, I am writing this now offline and know that I can later go in to paste into a post. Usually, I do save my online work for when M is not at home so that I can spend my time with him, but the truth is that I need to alter this thinking a bit since our time ‘together’ tends to revolve around watching TV, which is not really the best use of my time nor really quality time for us. Therefore, I am going to be re-working this since he is going to be around more the next week or so due to the holidays and people being away keeping his schedule light.

In any case, I am being a bit slow and lazy in adjusting my way of thinking about life these days. It is probably due to depression which has also affected my diet which I do know affects every other aspect of my life. Therefore, I am taking the first step needed to take action against letting it win over my life as it has done in the past. It is good to know that I am learning from the past even if I am not yet good at preventing it from happening.

One massive realization this week is that I need to constantly stay on top of this depression issue. There is absolutely no room for complacency. Any letting of the guard down in keeping up routines, working out, etc allows room for me to stumble into the dark state. Before I had work as a way of distraction or more constant contact with friends which kept me busy, which helps to fend off the penetration of the darkness; however, I no longer have external or passive ways of distraction. Therefore, I need to actively structure my life around a healthy way no matter what our circumstances are to ensure that I keep on going towards the light!

~T 😀

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