bipolar disorder I – Creative Meanderings

Ups and Downs Check-in

Jan 222021

It has been ages since I have written about my ‘ups and downs’ as I think that they have been much less extreme since the “new norm” involved being at home more than out.

If there ever was a doubt that I am an introvert, I think that the past nine months have wiped away any inkling of that as truth.

So, there really haven’t been any ‘downs’ lately. It’s not that I don’t fight the urge some days to sleep all day or spend a day on the couch, but thanks to a new environment and plenty to keep me busy I have been able to channel any darker energies into something productive.

More than the ‘downs’, I notice my ‘ups’ more because they are slightly extreme in that the amount that I get done in a day seems a bit outrageous. Being a list-lover, I can easily see how much I do and even shock myself – no brag.

Still, being around someone who is naturally high energy, or really ADHD, I tend not to think of my ‘ups’ as all that abnormal. However, there are times when I start to feel a bit exhausted or my sleep gets interrupted that I realize that it might be time to slow down a bit more.

Thanks to meditation and exercise, I know how to handle myself, but it’s important for me to check-in and regulate. Thus, all is well, but will note if there is a ‘down’ on the way any time soon or not. 😛

~T 😀

A Bit of a Funk

Going Mental 1 Response »

Oct 252019

I know it’s been a while since I have written. I kept thinking about sitting down to write a post and then I didn’t.

Time passes by quickly whether I am happy or whether I am sad. Time stops for no one. It’s really just a matter of how we spend the time.

People go through phases. Regular patterns reveal themselves throughout the year if we take the time to note them.

For me, the end of summer always brings a busy period and so it seems quite consistent that I write less in the early fall due to external factors. Probably, it is also the time when a low period hits after having to return to a normal schedule after being on holidays.

While this year wasn’t this case, I suppose that it was still a quiet period in terms of me pondering ‘out loud’ the meanderings of my mind.

On top of all that, I have realized that I have been in a bit of a funk. I was keeping busy to avoid acknowledging it or processing the source. My ups and downs are less obvious these days because overall life is fairly chill.

However, there has been quite a lot whirling in my mind.

During our recent holiday (post on that coming eventually), I 95% went off-grid. The remaining 5% was for a few minutes of mindless scrolling on social media, watching a video here and there, and keeping up with my French studies on Duolingo.

In any case, I read a book in a day (pictured above – nice when the cover matches the scenery, huh?!), watched the changing cloud patterns, drank tea and wine in our outdoor bathtub, swam in the sea, contemplated whether or not a school of fish could actually eat my body, enjoyed the rugby 🏉 matches, savored our nightly 8-course meals, laughed with my husband about nonsense, absorbed the ‘real purty’ scenery on our drives, and basically let my mind process what it needed.

While I’m not necessarily out of the funk, I definitely have a clearer idea of where my mind has been. The cogs of the wheel have been cleaned and oiled a bit, so I imagine I will finally be back to posting again. 😀

More to come….

~T 😀

Flexible Inflexibility

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Jan 182019

It has been a while since I have checked in about my ups and downs. Somehow, they seem to be less frequent or, at least, less obvious to me. Perhaps, I should ask my husband, though! 😛

Actually, with my middle-aged body changes, I really don’t know if my moods and energy levels are related to hormones or the bipolar tendencies.

What I do know is that I need to maintain balance and calm to avoid being tired or feeling stressed.

One method that works well for me is following a set schedule every day, and that mostly includes the weekends and holidays too.

It may not work for everyone (though most self-help books back me up) and my schedule doesn’t always work for others in my life, but it is necessary for me to stay focused and contributes to my overall satisfaction with myself.

My husband would probably say that it is a bit dramatic, but my sensitivity levels to the world are high causing me more stress than it does for others – like him. Being around people (that really means ALL people) drains my energy and when living in a place like Tokyo, it drains faster like my iPhone battery when connected to too many bluetooth devices. The more connections or interactions I have, the more tired I get.

At the moment, I’m listening to Trevor Noah’s autobiography, Born A Crime, on Audible when I run out of podcasts for the week. I’m trying to fill my mind with a bit less true crime and more about the world or stories in general, especially inspiring ones (that’s not to say I’m not still completely obsessed, just dialing it down a bit 😛 ). Also, I find that with running, I can stay away from wondering when my run is finished while listening to a book more than if it is a short-timed podcast or even songs that end and allow me to get distracted. Anyway, I digress. He has a line that says,

“I was good at being alone. I’d read books, play with the toy that I had, make up imaginary worlds. I lived inside my head. I still live inside my head. To this day you can leave me alone for hours and I’m perfectly happy entertaining myself. I have to remember to be with people.”
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

This fits me to a ‘T’ as well.

So, this might be the year that I travel and do more for myself and my family, but see other people less. And, I’m okay with that.

Life has its phases and perhaps this is just one where the Cancerian side of me draws back in to my shell to refresh and revive for future phases.

Also, to keep a handle on my ups and downs, sticking to a schedule and planning ahead maintains an even keel for me and for others around me. It allows my mind, body, and soul to maintain a sense of freedom and control that keeps the pendulum ticking at an even pace. To me, this is balance and perfection for life.

Therefore, for my friends who read this blog and wonder why I might cancel (though I am a notorious serial canceler 😐 ) or not reach out as much as I normally would/do, it’s nothing personal to you – it’s me, not you 😀 .

Seriously, though, I do still appreciate the need for flexibility in life. So, as long as it does not affect my inflexibility with schedules to stay on target with my goals, I promise to be flexible with what remains. 😉

~T 😀

Zip Zapping Away

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Oct 212017

It’s the middle of the night as I write this. Despite falling asleep around 10ish, which is our usual weekend bedtime, I jolted awake feeling overheated and paranoid about the mosquito loose somewhere in the room even though M “locked it” in the closet. If I know there is a mosquito, I will not sleep as I could swear that I also heard buzzing in my ear. With no way to turn on the light or possibly kill it, I gave up on sleeping for now….

My fingers are crossed that the buzzing in my head will stop by the end of the weekend or early next week. It is hard to explain what it feels like, but sometimes I wonder if this is how patients feel after an electrical shock treatment. It occasionally makes me dizzy and definitely challenges any desire to walk around or move my head at all. If I really thought about it long enough, I am sure there are some yoga poses I could do to help the situation, but it is hard enough for me to focus my mind on one thing long enough to remember what it is I am doing….

I have noticed a massive mood disruption. My people tolerance has gone down – I didn’t even know that was possible…! M and I have had small quibbles and one big one of late. Old response are hard to break…. Although I am aware of these things after some thought, in the moment I am suddenly unable to pause and control what comes out of my mouth. The fuse is shorter at the moment.

Hopefully, this is just part of the stabilizing process and reconnection with my own control over my responses to others. Clearly I need to do more serious meditation and exercise to counteract whatever is currently going on with my mental faculties.

Anyway, step 1 is knowing. Step 2 is accepting. Step 3 is action….

~T 😀

Walking on Sunshine

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Oct 182017

Day 4 – chemical free with the help of a break from the grey and falling spit from the sky.

Yesterday was foggy both in my mind and in the weather. It continues to get colder day-by-day, but with the sun in the sky my heart warms today. It is not clear whether it is the lifting of the fog in my head or the fall climate that is affecting me, but really it does not matter – my own mind is returning.

I can definitely feel the difference. It actually makes me happy to know that my mood is no longer being controlled by chemical aid. While I sense the ups and downs happening much more acutely than before, I am actually reveling in the ‘crazy’. 😛

Actually, it gives me a chance to reflect on myself again and to get a new handle on how to control my impulses. The good news is that the fog is lifting inside even if it only worsens outside. 😀

~T 😀

De-Press-Ants-Anti

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Jul 282017

Two days before the darkest days of my life started I began a new round of anti-depressants because as I had written, I was considering it based on my up and down moods.

Luckily, they kicked in on the day that I had to cope to distract me from the reality of our situation. It has now been just over a month and I definitely notice the change this time around.

While others around me are extremely emotional or responsive to things, I am not so affected.

In yoga philosophy, we often discuss a state of “detachment” which is described as not having emotion one way or the other as a reaction to life happening around us. Some who are not ready for such a thing imagine being a robot without emotion and despise the idea of it. Others, like me, crave it because I am a bit desensitized, which is good being a fairly sensitive person to my surroundings.

I truly sense my detachment toward results, other people’s behavior, etc. It does not mean that I am emotion-less, but just that I am not taken into extreme moods so easily. I also recognize when I need to keep my mouth shut because the emotional response I might get is not really worth it.

When I took these anti-depressants before, I did not know what to expect or what to look out for. However, this time I am definitely more aware of the effects on me.

Some side effects, though, are that I am much more tired than usual. So, now like an old lady I need an afternoon nap and I sleep a great deal more at night than usual. Of course, this might be stress as well since it is not yet over. However, I can also feel my head zapping now and then…. Thankfully, my headaches are no more.

So…although I do not plan to stay on them for too long, I am glad I decided to go back on them again especially during our crisis. No doubt I might have gone to some other extreme had I not started them. 😀

~T 😀

When the World Spirals

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Jun 192017

When my husband makes a point of telling me that I am constantly seeming grumpy or on edge and then have these bouts of “weirdness” where I am overly silly and happy, then I take a step back to consider the validity of his comments.

Although never formally diagnosed as depressed or bipolar according to labels, my therapist some years back allowed us to call my moments as ups and downs. While I appreciate the lack of labels and freedom from a box, it does also make it difficult to explain to others what happens to me in these up and down cycles.

I came across this website yesterday when I was contemplating whether or not to go back onto medication temporarily given that I have no control over our current situation and that maybe it would help to take the meds just until life is a bit more settled…. What I found was this list of red flags for the author and thought to myself…hm…this just might be me!! 😛

In fact, I think it has been me for some time and perhaps I should have seen it coming a while ago…?

Even though my husband does not quite appreciate the label and tries to minimize what I am experiencing by saying “I think we are all a bit bipolar” or “I get this way too”, I try to take it as his way of empathizing with the fact that this may be a reality.

Looking at our current or recent circumstances, it is no wonder that I have not really gone to the extremes since everything suggested on this website is how I try to live life in the best of circumstances. Factor in the chaos that has surrounded us and now I can stop wondering why I prefer to binge watch The Keepers (just one episode left!) all day yesterday rather than try to go out or see anyone….

So, I have not yet made a decision about the meds. I do have them already and know what to do – just not sure I am ready to go that route again…though it wasn’t a bad thing before and sometimes just having a little extra help can make a big difference…. We shall see…I should probably seek counseling, but that would require funds that we do not have and thus continues the spiral that spins me around up and down and around and around….

~T 😀

Bad Days Happen…

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May 292017

We often focus on being happy all the time. It is now considered a sort of tragedy if a bad day happens or you somehow are ‘letting it happen’ to you.

The truth is that bad days happen! It is a part of life. There is no good or bad about it, they just pass through.

Yesterday was one of those days.

There are a number of reasons why it was not the best of days. There are a number of source points from previous days, months and years that contributed to the day of more arguments than discussion.

However, knowing that it shall pass makes it bearable. Sometimes bad days happen in succession, but they too pass – just as the good days do.

Often in yoga philosophy we discuss that fact that we should strive to be neither happy nor sad. So many people respond with “What? So, are we just supposed to be robots? I’d rather not be a yogi then….” How sad this response makes me. Why are emotions so celebrated? Why do we have to aspire to being happy all the time?

If we look at social media, everyone takes a snap of themselves happy. No one ever takes a photo of themselves crying or in a rage. Therefore, we perpetuate this image of life being always happy. Why?

As someone with strong bipolar tendencies, I aim for the neutral point. I want to be neither happy nor sad. I do not feel like a robot when I get there, but instead I feel content. When I spend a day that has no drama whether positive or negative, I feel it is a great day. This is contentment.

So, sure good days are nice and bad days do happen, but I’m hoping today is neither one – just a day.

~T 😀

These Episodes

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Apr 242017

So…the memory is so often unreliable. We tend to easily remember the bad things that happen to us or the moments when others have let us down in some way or another, no matter how little or a lot. However, we have the amazing ability to forget all the good things or the status quo elements of life.

I have been in some kind of a mood lately. While I could blame it on my monthly cycle or others around me or the moon or whatever else I can find to pass it on to something or someone other than myself, if I am to learn anything (eventually), I should be paying more attention to my bipolar tendencies.

Because the extremes and swings have not been so noticeable lately, I had nearly forgotten that they even exist as a reality in my life. Since I am not manic up or down, it is more difficult to take notice or to remember to take notice when these episodes might be happening.

However, when M said to me the other day that suddenly I seemed to have released some tension (this was after selling his car), I thought that perhaps it was more of a trigger that snapped me out of the downward trend. Of course, selling the car is a HUGE relief in so many ways, but is it THAT much of a trigger to push me back up into an upward spiral? Probably not…and yet, I am now suddenly full of energy, happy, playful, etc. – to a minor extreme.

Therefore, logic kicks in and memory recall pinpoints that perhaps I am having a more obvious bipolar episode and have forgotten or chosen to ignore the signs again.

A couple of changes are being made to address this.

First, I am starting to take the Vitamin B (stress tabs) again as I imagine that having been off of them now for about three months has probably affected the chemistry of my brain enough to now be noticeable again. It was an experiment to see how the Juice Plus pills would work without the other, but I think that for now I need to do both.

Second, I got myself back to the gym this morning. Stepping on the scale the other day and also having some people notice that as a regular I have been absent, motivated me to take the first step to get back to it. This should also help the chemistry of the body to give me boosts through a healthy lifestyle and regulate the moods again.

I am still working on one other change, which I discussed last week or the week before in getting myself back onto a regular meditating schedule. This has been a bit slow on the take, but I will get there as I need to step up my game in this area now that I have more clients and classes going during the week. 😀

All in all, I cannot complain as the high in my brain is pointing toward life getting better and better. For now, I shall ride the waves and do what I can to prevent a crashing downward. 😛

~T 😀

Mindfulness Summit 2015

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Oct 012015

My friend, T posted this on her FB page as an event she was planning on attending. I had seen it before on another friend’s post, but had only glanced at it then. So, this time I took a closer look at it.

In the past, people have suggested the idea of meditation and tried to explain what it is; however, I have generally chalked it up to a Buddhist idea or some exotic activity that those who wander into a ‘hippy-like’ spiritual journey undertake. Of course, I thought this about yoga as well – until I tried it. Calling this ‘mindfulness’ seemed to work better to pique my interest.

So, I decided to take the challenge. It’s 31 days – how can it hurt? Becoming more aware of my mind is a path I have undertaken since I first admitted to having bipolar tendencies. Since doing so, I have gotten a much better handle on how my mind works and what I need to do to ensure a stable mindset. Therefore, learning mindfulness or meditation is just another way of helping me along this path – I think. 😉

At the end of every yoga session, we generally take a few moments to focus on our breath and to bring focus to our bodies. This isn’t a traumatizing or funky spiritual activity, but it has calmed me and brought me “zen”. Therefore, I’m really looking forward to doing 31 days of training on this for a regular part of my day. Some might consider prayer time the same – for I used to commune with God regularly each night when I was more of a church-going spiritual person. Now, I’m more of a yoga and ‘humanist’ spiritual person and looking into mindfulness for communing. 😀

Today was the first day and I gotta say…NICE!

-T 😀

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