Words & Their Expressions

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Aug 232022
 

The art of expressing through the weaving of nuances and piecing together of words has always been a skill that I appreciate. One reason that I prefer reading or writing over speaking is that time can be spent on the creation and appreciation of the work. Don’t get me wrong, though, if I hear an orator who can wax rhythm and lyric together on the spot, I am in awe.

I just recently finished listening to Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. She outlines the different pieces of language that we should use to describe our emotions. It was both surprising, and not, to learn that most people only use three or four words to express how they feel – happy, sad, or mad. Yet, we have 87 (known) different emotions and actual words to describe them. After all, if we didn’t have the words, how do we know that we have them?

One of my favorite classes in graduate school was one on semantics. We would chart out the different nuances of words that are similar in meaning, but why we choose one over another in a particular expression. Words are important.

When learning languages through DuoLingo, I am fascinated by which words are taught first. One might assume that the first vocabulary is the same, but some thought has gone into the fact that in French I learned how to ask for croissants and baguettes before knowing how to talk about my family. However, in Italian, I learned about family and mealtimes before the actual dishes or items to eat. Words are important.

Words express culture. Words express the norms of a society, group, tribe, etc. Words are important.

I always know a non-lover of words when the phrase, “it’s just semantics!” is thrown out during a disagreement. This usually signals that the person has no more excuses left to justify why they are ‘wrong’, and so when backed into a corner, the only thing left is to accuse the other person of focusing on the wrong thing. Ironically, the accused may actually be trying to understand the person better through the seeming ‘nit-picking’ on the meaning of the words being used.

For me, I prefer that the most accurate words are used for expression. In this way, less room is allowed for misunderstanding or confusion. It is hard enough to communicate well without having to parse out what someone really is trying to say with the wrong words. Since we all come from different groups/families, words are used differently for various meanings; thus, it is all the more important that we create a common understanding of the words that we are using.

In other words, expanding our vocabularies is meaningful and necessary to express ourselves clearly and openly so that peace and order can reign. Or, at least, this is what I believe. 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Self-Awareness vs Maturity

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 072022
 

My introversion has been fully challenged the past week or so. I can hardly believe we are already a week into June and I’ve had no time for introspection or a moment to pause and replenish. Well, to be fair, I’ve escaped our house full of guests periodically with morning pool dips or afternoon naps. However, an introvert does not so easily recover with brief moments of solitude. So, today, I’ve taken the majority of the morning and early afternoon to escape to my happy place under the auspice of having a meeting with a friend to discuss a new venture in Orvieto town center – more on that in a later post.

It was actually great to catch up with my friend, but now that our meeting is finished, I’m taking the opportunity to give myself time and space to reflect on the interactions of the past week or so being forced to be amongst others full-time.

Long-time readers, friends, and acquaintances will know that I’m no lover of people. It goes beyond my introversion into a full cynicism of individuals. While I believe in the absolute amazing power of mankind to achieve greatness and be inspirational humans, I doubt most individuals’ ambition, interest, and intention to work toward this. So, my general belief in people as arseholes at the start keeps me from too much disappointment when they prove me right, and allows for pleasant surprise when I am wrong.

A common revelation of a person is in their communications and interactions when amongst new people.

There are the deflectors – those who answer a question with a question because they don’t really want to talk about themselves. This is either from a lack of confidence or a sense of humility presented in not wanting to focus attention on them.

There are the inquisitors – similar to the deflectors, but just start off asking questions of others to keep the conversation away from them, but seeming to be good listeners or showing keen interest in others. Their motives may be sincere interest, or like those above.

There are the ideal conversationalists, who equally ask and answer questions like one might see in the best Wimbledon finale allowing conversation to grow and the art of getting to know others is like watching a beautiful dance performance.

Then, there are the one-man shows – those who share absolutely everything they possibly can whether or not anyone asks them to reveal their opinions or tell tales of their experiences. Not to be a gender-ist, but this is more often than not done by men. No matter the gender identity, the fact is that this kind of person tends to be more common than not.

What is even more interesting to me is when a deflecting inquisitor, like my husband, questions or challenges the one-man show performer. Their response is often what chips away the facade to show who they really are as a person. No matter how old the person is, which we would normally expect to be a sign of maturity, they cannot help but reveal their true colors and level of self-awareness.

We recently had an older individual stay with us. Our judgement of this person had already been slightly colored by a mutual friend providing us with some prior knowledge and information. Still, I did try -somewhat schizophrenically – to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, time and time again it became obvious that this human was not self-aware even though they had 20+ years more of life on me and others. Therefore, responses were often overly embellished or arrogantly hidden with retorts eventually at the level of a high schooler or young 20-something.

This really surprised me, to be honest.

It proved that age does not matter. It is not necessarily the length of time that we walk this earth that helps us to grow and understand the world, but rather the depth in which we allow ourselves to be challenged to learn and improve our quality of lives.

Confirming this doesn’t help my cynicism, admittedly. However, it does add to my understanding of the complex dimensions that make up a human being. While I will still endeavor to respect my elders in the same way I try to respect other people, I also feel as if a new scale of judgment has come into the forefront – how self aware are they?

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Reflections: Making Life Meaningful

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Dec 142021
 

Relationships always have ups and downs, whether romantic or platonic. I value my relationships as treasures and gifts that can never be replaced, because – well – they can’t.

Whether or not one believes in God or a higher being, it shouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination nor acceptance to acknowledge that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Sometimes these reasons are to teach us something, sometimes it is to teach them something, sometimes it is out of convenience, sometimes it is for forever; always it has meaning.

M and I have observed/are observing a few marriages/romantic relationships struggling and it is a sad process to watch.

Having had our own relationship demises, we discuss how and why connections seem to go wrong. I love this aspect of M because he reflects, processes, and adjusts himself to ensure that mistakes aren’t repeated to jeopardize the strength of his relationships.

Likewise, I do the same.

Also, I stand fast to the belief that we need to communicate more. So many people want to poo-poo the fact that feelings are talked about or dismiss the need to get things off our chests. However, I maintain that, aside from the outrageous consumption of sugar and other chemicals, the reason cancer runs rampant is because we hold on to the darkness of thoughts, energy, and feelings. While we may not be able to control environmental impacts on our health and quality of life, we can most definitely control our consumption, exposure, and expression.

M, being British, sometimes justifies that culturally English people do not speak so much of feelings and that therapy is an American concept.

I argue that while that may be true, and generationally it doesn’t matter the country/culture, it doesn’t make it right or healthy. I’m not saying that we should talk about every single emotion or thought that passes through our minds/hearts. I AM saying that we should talk about what we hold onto that doesn’t serve us in creating lightness in our lives. Holding grudges, becoming bitter, mumbling and grumbling are not necessary to life. They are indeed a fact of life, but we are not required to hold on to them or let them perpetuate until they grow into dark cancerous bits that take hold of our souls.

This is not to say, either, that we should run away from the problems that come up including another human being – especially one that we are committed to (legally or not). This is the modern-day response to “removing negative influences” in our lives. Nothing is gained from running away either. Working on the relationship and then agreeing to walk away or one realizing that it is detrimental to their life to stay is not considered running way, but being wise in severing that connection for their well-being.

For me, my greatest learning in life has been communicating what is in my heart and mind. I do not have verbal diarrhea, and I do not walk around with my heart on my sleeve. However, I think I can proudly claim that I do speak my mind when I feel that it is important to do so.

M and I have a fairly healthy way of sharing with each other moments of annoyances (before it escalates to a fight), requests to avoid projecting our own issues on each other, or a need for some temporary space to process what we need before sharing or discussing it with each other. When we fight, which is not that often, we do it fiercely but we come back later to rationally explain and listen to each other’s points of views. We may choose to agree to disagree, but we respectfully acknowledge the other’s side. We also agreed very early on in our marriage that we would never ever throw out the “D” word in arguments nor even joke on it as an option because it begins to fray the binds that connect us and we do not want to do that – ever.

So often after we discuss with people who are struggling and we share with each other what was said – we do tell each other EVERYTHING – it almost always boils down to the fact that they don’t communicate nor listen to their partners. Imagine what healing and positivity could arise if they were able to communicate, listen, and be heard?

Life drives meaning and purpose from these two simple actions: listening and speaking. These can be done aurally or in writing. Still, they must be done. In doing them, we learn about each other, we gain respect for one another, and most importantly, we come to understand others and ourselves better.

Thereby, making our lives even more meaningful!

~T 😀

The things we don’t talk about…

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jul 052021
 

One of the things that always made me look forward to aging is that I would be able to openly talk about a number of topics that most consider to be off-limits or somewhat taboo. For me, I always saw the benefit of being “old” as no longer needing to care so much about what might offend, embarrass, or put off someone, because the fact that we have had more experiences and longevity in life gives us that freedom/right. As a younger person, I never understood why we weren’t supposed to talk about things like sex, the body’s functions from periods to menopause to bowel movements, and the like. Some cultures, groups, or persons arbitrarily decided that it was uncouth to have conversation around the most natural and common of topics.

Thus, as part of my middle-aging process, I have decided – let’s talk about these things!

Sex

If there is ever any tension between me and M, that is not related to my fluctuating hormones or the effects of being together nearly 24/7 for the past year plus, it is usually over sex. He wants it more than I.

When I got married the first time, my dad told me that sex, money, and love (maybe – can’t remember the third thing, actually) are what can make or break a marriage. Without money and/or without sex, the love goes.

While we lived in Japan, the ongoing theme that came up frequently especially for foreign men married to Japanese women was that the sex had gone out of the marriage once kids entered the picture. So many couples stay unhappily married, even Japanese couples, because one partner has decided to no longer maintain their sexual connection. Upon further discussions, it seems that it isn’t necessarily just a Japanese female pattern, but that of many women (in particular) as we age. While Japanese culture has evolved to accept this natural deterioration and accepting that affairs or satisfaction may be achieved elsewhere, it is not so accepted in the Christianized West.

Recently, M and I listened to Matthew McConaughey’s book Greenlights (so good with his dreamy voice reading it aloud). McConaughey writes about ensuring that he makes time to physically connect with his partner not just because he likes sex, but also because it makes you feel closer to each other, because it makes you feel amazing, because it is what makes a marriage rather than a friendship – or words to this effect.

For whatever reason, we tend not to talk about sex unless it is with innuendos or the help of an inhibitor relaxer like alcohol 🍷. We tend to roll our eyes🙄 at the boyish remarks made about flirtatious behavior or sexual attraction to another. We tend to get embarrassed 🙈 by the talk unless it is in a joking manner. But, why?

In my view, I don’t particularly like the comedic factor because I used to take it as a personal attack on my lack of desire for the activity. It wasn’t from a lack of attraction, but mostly due to a number of excuses (yes, I mean excuses) for why I said “no” 🙅🏽‍♀️ to any advances made.

However, recently, I have increased my magnesium and Vitamin B intake, which has altered my responses to such advances and even has me making my own. While there is no hard scientific evidence to prove that this increase has contributed to my response, I can only anecdotally assume that it has had an effect. This leads me to the other topic that we don’t often talk about especially as women.

Our cycles

When I was of age to begin my journey into womanhood, I was taught about the physical reproductive systems in school and then left to my own discoveries without discussion from the women in my life. My mother’s surprised expression was a disappointment to my young self when I put “tampons” on the grocery list after having used hers for months.

As I now face that joyful peri-menopause and menopausal phase of life, I am again reminded of my disappointment that my mother, or any female older than me, had not shared about their experiences. Looking back on a period of time when my parents were not on the same wavelength, I later pinpointed a major contributing factor was my mom’s transitioning into the third phase of a woman’s cycle.

Once I did ask, or perhaps more realistically – accused -, my mother as to why she didn’t warn/tell me of these physical shifts that only a woman can relate to. The response must have been either avoided or unsatisfactory as I have no recollection of what she said. It’s possible that, like many reasons of her generation, it’s just not something that was/is talked about.

However, as I find myself spending time with more women and young girls, who are just starting out with their monthly cycles, I want to encourage us all to talk about it. It’s not like it’s a secret that we bleed 🩸 out of our vaginas once a month or that someday we will stop doing so. Therefore, why not share and commiserate as we transition in and out of these phases? 🤷🏽‍♀️

As you can probably tell, a running theme in my ponderings of late relate to the things we do and don’t talk about. While I may not talk to just anyone about everything, I still think that everything should be talked about to at least someone. 🤪

~ T 😀

Communication – Open and Honest

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jul 012021
 

Communication is the thread that connects all of us together. It is when we cut the lines or allow them to get tangled up that almost every problem arises.

These days, I am one hundred percent convinced that too much is shared with the general public. We have confused the concept of “open communication” with “transparency”.

The truth is that no one really wants transparency as a two-way street ↔️. If we did, we would all live in glass houses and be content for everyone to be all up in our business. When people cry for transparency, it is almost always a one-way street ➡️.

Instead, I suggest that we have open communication.

Through a dialogue, we can work through our differences and come to an understanding, even if it is to respectfully “agree to disagree” 🤝.

With that said, I do draw the line in the sand when it comes to certain topics with people I barely know or when there is drink involved or when it is clear that the other party’s mind is sealed around their own point of view. It is in these instances that I tend to not take my own suggestion.

A few weeks ago, I watched and listened in awe as M had a lively discussion with someone regarding her vote for Brexit and conservative, patriotic view of the English empire and influence in the world. It was a respectful and open communication in every way.

On the other side of the table was her partner and another friend of theirs, who were mumbling their own drunken opinions that were more assumptive and presumptive of M as the debater against her views and further wanting to interject unhelpful comments. The man then turned to me asking why I was not participating in the discussion or engaging with them on the topic. I politely explained my steadfast rule of not talking about politics, money, or religion with people I don’t know very well especially when alcohol is involved.

He expressed frustration by saying, “Surely, you must have an opinion though on these topics.” To which I replied, “Of course, I do”. Then came the main point –

Him: “You might be able to change someone’s mind if you share your opinion.”

Me: “I do not need to change anyone’s mind and it really does not matter.”

Him: “But, why not?”

Me inside my head: “Because I do not care if you agree with me or not.” Instead, I just smiled and said, “I am happy to listen and respect the opinions that others want to share.”

He was not pleased with my answer and proceeded to stare at me in frustration and confusion that I would not engage with him or the discussion. Granted, he had had a few drinks 🍷 and I was completely drunk on water 💧. 😜

This exchange has given me a lot of contemplation, 🤔 though. Because, while I am absolutely an advocate for open and honest communication, I realized that I definitely have requirements on the conditions in which I feel this can happen.

As someone who doesn’t particularly like people in groups or en masse, I find that I struggle with allowing opportunities to connect with others if I do not see any future interaction or engagement with them. My jaded past and nomadic lifestyle has taught me to filter out the passing of people in and out of my life. Therefore, I have an inhospitable tendency to dismiss a chance to communicate openly and honestly with those I think it not worth the time and effort to have said open and honest discussions.

However, there have been a number of instances (especially of late) proving that the world has become smaller and the chances of never seeing that person, or someone who knows that person, again are much less than they used to be. So, perhaps I do indeed need to recalibrate my tendency and give people more of a chance and be more open to the opportunities to have deep, thoughtful, and possibly mind-changing discussions.

It will likely take me some time to get the balance right, but that is the joy of life – continuing to learn how to grow as a person and keeping the threads aligned through open and honest communication.

~T 😀

Nuances

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Nov 042020
 

Gosh, it has been ages since I’ve had a moment to stop and go deep into the vortex known as my grey matter. Not that I have anything overly profound to say, but I do feel a bit as if I have been in another universe and suddenly landed myself in an unknown time called – now.

Since I was young, I have known that I think differently and view the world differently than many, or even most. Learning early on in life to adapt with those around me has given me the skills of a chameleon to hide the truth of the way that I might think or feel.

For many years, I did not ever express an opinion of my own nor take part in conversations, even ones where I might have agreed. Shy was not the adjective to use to describe me as I was not afraid to speak up. I was more reticent to be noticed or to make it obvious that I did not necessarily agree with the norms going on around me. I can hear, you as the reader saying to yourself, “Okay, like what?”

Here’s an example, I have started an online magazine – The Universal Asian. The title by itself is a unifying one and expresses the actual fact that I believe in balance and open-mindedness in its truest form. However, the tagline of the magazine is: ‘the voices of the #importedAsians and #hyphenatedAsians’.

Obviously, #hyphenatedAsians has no nuanced meaning to cause the balance to go off-kilter. However, an early conversation and some following have made me see that #importedAsians carries a negative tone for some in reference to adoptees from international countries.

While I can appreciate the negative nuance that one might get from it, I absolutely do not look at it that way. When I was considering a more unique way to refer to adoptees that were not necessarily Caucasian or domestically adopted, but whose origins started in another country, the best way to express it was by the methods taken to bring that child to another country, which is like a product. We pay the seller to send over the product and import it to the country in which we want to keep the product. Although it might not be considered politically-correct or kosher to talk about people in this way, the fact is that people paid money for a child and took them from a country of origin to their own country to stay.

The judgement that might connect to the reason why families took this action or how they then treated the young person they brought over is a whole different matter to place pluses or minuses on.

So, in this way, I felt I was being neutral in my words, but some disagreed. Now, obviously, it hasn’t been a major issue as we are still getting readers and contributors – thank goodness!

However, it is this challenge with nuances and words that is also playing into the current state of politics and the pandemic surrounding us.

Last night, we were walking and I was thinking about the story of the Tower of Babel. I said that if this story is truth, as many accept the Bible to be, then why don’t more people call God out as responsible for the wars and suffering people have today? I mean, surely others must think that this was a dickish move on His part?! No offense to the believers reading this, but c’mon you gotta wonder…. I mean I have my own mixed relationship with the Higher Being, which previous writings have clarified so that I now refer to Him as the Universe or Universal Lord. But, I digress….

If this sudden disruption in communication had never occurred and mankind had been allowed to continue to build their tower, how would the world be different?

I always say that communication is the key to successful relationships on any level. When there are frustrations amongst individuals, it is usually due to a lack of speaking and LISTENING. So often we forget that communication doesn’t just refer to talking, but also to openly listening to others.

If we don’t understand the nuance of the words one uses, why are we so afraid to just ask a simple question – “I’m sorry, but what do you mean by that?” Think how much more you could learn about someone and their lives just by asking that question rather than taking it personally, or responding with fear of the unknown (response, perception, etc.).

Twice in the last day I have had people ask me if I ever chat with my voice. One was through Whatsapp voice recording. The other was through Facebook Messenger. To both, I responded “Of course I do.” Neither offended me in any way.

As a writer, I prefer the written word. I communicate more clearly and thoroughly in writing. I use emojis more than most to lighten any tone that might be taken too seriously. I like the written form.

However, I also understand that sometimes hearing the voice can make a huge difference in how we connect and interpret the nuances of the words that we use with each other. So, I’m flexible as my early understanding of not thinking like most people has given me enough awareness and ability to be flexible with the ways in which I communicate.

The problem is that this is not often a reciprocal flexibility…, but perhaps that is for another posting.

Anyway, on the day of Elections 2020, I am hoping that we can avoid any negative nuances and join together in clear communications as we await the direction of the US and the world in these truly uncertain times.

~T 😀

Comfort in Isolated Community

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Apr 092020
 

These days, my parents and I seem to be Skyping about every two weeks. Although they are still young at heart and generally fit, I do remind them that they aren’t getting any younger – much to their chagrin. (It’s my duty as a daughter to keep it real! ) Therefore, our regular catch ups serve multiple purposes. 😉

There were periods of time in the past when it would be months in between our chats. It was partially life, partially technology, partially me, and partially them. There was never a major reason for it – it just happened. Still, I knew I could always call them anytime.

Despite my fairly blase (or anti-drama/extremism/it’s a conspiracy somewhere) attitude toward our current global situation, I realize that it is probably getting more radical as time passes. Therefore, it makes it even more comforting being able to talk with people who think like I do.

Of course, my beliefs are heavily influenced on how I was raised, so it’s natural that my family and I have similar outlooks and responses to the world. But, we have had quite varied life experiences. Also, not everyone who is family thinks the same way – nor should it be expected. Yet, talking with my parents this week made me really appreciate our commonality.

Or, maybe, what I appreciate is that we have always had the ability to share freely how we think about life without judgement or fear of upsetting the other. Thinking back, this has always been the case. Our immediate family has no secrets – that I know of! – from each other; of course, it wouldn’t be a secret if I knew. 😛 Perhaps, it is that I have no secrets from my family; therefore, I feel completely at ease discussing any topic with them whether it is in person, via Skype, or through writing.

It is a reminder to me how perfect of a match my parents are to me.

Once, my brother shared his opinion of our parents, which drastically differed from my own. This is absolutely not to say that he doesn’t love them to pieces, but he experienced growing up with them in a different way than I did.

It’s one of those great psychological wonders: how do the same parents end up with two completely different children in personality? We’ve all read about, seen, or even know examples of this dichotomy. It’s always a mystery. If we consider that the parents treated each child basically the same, then how can the children grow up to be so different?

Well, we are individuals, of course. We all experience the same events in a myriad of ways that are unique to our psychological and chemical make-up. Of course, we are influenced by our environment, and obviously even the best of parents cannot treat their children exactly the same (no matter how much they try to convince us otherwise).

Still, some siblings are shown to think exactly the same. Some families are shown to be a complete entity of their own.

For most of my young life, I believed this kind of similarity could only happened to blood families. If you shared DNA, then it was no mystery as why or how they were similar.

However, with age comes some wisdom and with reflection comes knowledge. It is not always about blood, but it is always about spirit. The Universe deemed it right and completely logical that I would be raised by two people that I call ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’. I didn’t at first as it took me years to convince myself that they were mine to keep forever. But, now, there’s no doubt that we are cut from the same cloth – just with different designs.

So, during this time of self-isolation and quarantine, I find that it is not that hard to be away from others. It’s like my best dream come true, really – though not so great as to the way it came about.

I don’t have to communicate with others to absorb their reactions to the situation and vice versa. I don’t have to worry about offending others if I disagree or stress myself out in keeping my thoughts to myself. I don’t have to be influenced by other’s energies other than my husband’s.

It’s bliss.

Just a final disclaimer – I’m not an advocate of surrounding oneself with those who always think the same or mutually agree on everything. OMG, would that be boring! I do love a good debate and discussion on different perspectives. I’m just saying that in this time of high anxiety and stress for most, it is comforting to know that I have an isolated community who gets me. 😉

~T 😀

Open Communication

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 202016
 

Today’s world allows us to be “connected” at all times. Yet, what is it that we are connected to?

We have the ability to message friends and loved ones around the world 24/7 and yet communication is still difficult for many of us.

To me, it does not matter how much technology we have or instant methods of communicating, if we do not actually communicate none of it really matters.

It seems that despite all our ways to ‘connect’ with one another, people are so over-saturated that when true, deep and meaningful connections are attempted to be made through open communication, it is received with so much more impact than when we merely had telephones and letters.

I recently lost a friendship because I was too honest and too open. Of course, I have already written about the form of communication not being desired; thus, exacerbating the problem. However, the truth is that being open about how I felt was what was really not desired. People no longer want to hear truths if they are negative. We only want to hear the happy stories, the feel-good stories, the ones that always have a “happily ever after” ending.

Because there is so much negativity in our virtual lives, we do not know how to handle it in our real lives. We no longer possess the skills to communicate openly with one another so that problems can be worked through and growth can be allowed on both sides. It has somehow become too scary or too overwhelming to be allowed to express ourselves in any form other than “see how amazing my life is” or “look at how happy I am”.

If we were all actually so amazing and happy, then why do we fight and often feel alone in the world? Perhaps it is time to disconnect a bit more often and learn how to openly communicate to those who are actually around us in our lives….

~T 😀

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