Looking for the Silence in the Noise

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 182021
 

Well, we are in Italy 🇮🇹 again. I am not yet ready to update on the settling process; it will be coming soon as there has been some progress, but the art of learning to be patient continues to be the school of life. Either way, I will soon be graduating 👩‍🎓 or dropping out 👎. So, stay tuned for that. 😉

Recently, I have been waking up to the sound of videos and going to bed to the sound of videos 🎥. Even as I tried to write early, I was forced to listen to the sound of a video only occasionally interrupted by a one-sided phone conversation.

My other half likes noise. A common phrase expressed by me throughout moments of the day is, “It’s a bit loud…”. 😛

Last night, we had a disagreement that miraculously was not an argument 😇 despite the nature of the topic and our state of minds. The heat wave 🥵, lack of A/C 😓, lack of consistent wifi 😡, and ongoing unsettled way of life 😝 are contributing factors to my less than cheery temperament since we arrived again in the land of pizza 🍕 and pasta 🍝 .

Rest assured that M and I are indeed on the same page overall. I have enough awareness that while we go about life differently, we are still partner’s enjoying an adventure together. We love each other 💗 without a doubt. We have managed to grow closer even through these past couple of crazy years so far; and so, in that area, there is nothing to worry about nor to complain about (generally).

This does not deny the fact that he frustrates me to no end and vice versa – though obviously me less so to him…! 😛

There is a darkness that fills the space we live in here – not just literally from limited windows and stone walls, but also figuratively in its energy. There is a darkness that surrounds the people we are heavily relying on for our peace of mind, stability, and future. There is a darkness that does not belong in an otherwise beautiful and bright place/expereince.

It’s no secret that Italy was never our first choice of destinations. Once we arrived, though, we both agreed to follow the path that we are on. While I have had hesitations from the start, I have continued on whilst keeping the prize in full view. However, it has not been the smooth and straight path that I was led to believe it would be when I jumped on board.

Like the windy roads that we drive on everyday, it is unknown what is around the bend. When a car drives slowly in front of us, it is not clear if it is better to follow it slowly, or speed on by.

Similarly, I feel that we sometimes speed up only to slow right down, and then not know if we should pass or just enjoy the slower scenery passing by.

While M enjoys the speed and blurring sights, it seems to have become white noise to him along with the sounds of the mindless videos he watches as a distraction from our current reality. For me, I just want to stop 🛑, breathe 🧘🏽‍♀️, and enjoy a bit of quiet/calm. Unfortunately, this tends to come out in expressions of impatience and annoyance at all that is not these things (totally my bad!). Unfortunately, the craving to walk in the light gets overshadowed by the darkness that swirls around this Italian path. Unfortunately, my determination to keep following this path is quickly waning with each dismissive comment, eye roll 🙄, and command to trust a gut that I know from experience and anecdotes cannot always be trusted….

At what point does it become my gut that gets trusted? At what point does my vote get taken as importantly as his? At what point do we agree to call it a day with this path we are on?

He says that we will know.

How? When?

We don’t know.

So, my curious logical brain understands the desire to see where the road ends – whether positively or negatively. If we change course now, we will never know if it was worth it or not.

The good thing is that either way, we will be okay. We will just choose another path if it doesn’t end up as we hoped. Or, we will reflect back looking at the hill we climbed and feel satisfaction that we stayed the course despite the winding road.

In the meantime, I just want a bit of silence. So, I write in the late hours when the house is dark, the man slumbers, and it’s just me with the fans as white noise over the pounding of the keys as my fingers try to keep up with my thoughts to find the silence within the noise.

~T 😀

Happy 45th!

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jun 272021
 

With the average lifespan of a woman being about 81.1 years according to 2020 stats, I’m more than halfway through my walk on earth. However, I consider myself good to at least 90 or so; therefore, I shall call this year mid-life.

There’s no crisis in thought like there was around my 40th when M mentioned that I had another 40 years to go. The past five years have given me perspective with the last two or so really providing me the ability to appreciate my life so far.

Someone told me recently that I must feel so wise and experienced compared to others after I had given her a brief on how I’ve spent my adult life so far and the choices, either made for me or by me, that led me to where I am today. I replied that it is not a hierarchy or about comparing. We are all handed a certain deck and it’s all about how we play them, which can be somewhat based on luck of circumstances as well as how we create our own realities.

For me, I’m certain I was born with my stubborn streak. My baby “resting bitch face” pretty much makes that clear. 😬

My “luck” was that I was provided with influences early on in life that weren’t what one would consider to be the most positive, so my stubborn streak guided me toward being “good”. After all, I have been told my Korean name “Sun Hui” means “good girl”. However, the truth is that I could have just as easily gone the other way had I not been naturally inclined to contrariness. 🤪

In any case, I sit today in pure contentment with my life. As I write, there is a soft breeze blowing in the perfectly tempered sunny afternoon of southern France. I spent the day by the pool in the company of my love 😍 at the easy pace of zero expectation. After a week full of activity and birthday celebrations that started early due to plans that remain fluid, as always, it has been an amazing day of quiet 🤫.

The thing is, upon reflection, it has not been an easy journey to get to this place of peace and calm (and continues to be a daily balancing act). While I am very grateful for the ability to lead the life we lead, I do not underestimate or devalue my own participation in creating the lifestyle of my dreams.

It hasn’t been all sunshine ☀️ and champagne 🍾 .

When I hear others talk about the things they want in life or envy the life I have, but are in the next breath unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or persist in the activities and mindset required to make their hopes and dreams a reality, I am dismayed and disappointed. We are all fully capable of creating the kind of world we want to live in. It is easy to complain or give excuses or blame others for the reasons why we aren’t living the life that we want, but an honest look at ourselves will probably reveal the unwanted truth of our own responsibility, fear, and laziness in why we are discontent. We need to own that truth and decide what we want to do about it.

One thing I have never fully been able to understand is the mentality that many I have come across in my life hold of the world owing us something. Sometimes, that ‘world’ is attributed to parents or friends or people of our past. Although we are beholden to others when we are children, as adults all of that responsibility becomes our own. Dwelling in the what-ifs or finger-pointing is a complete cop-out to me. Every one of us (in the fairly privileged first and second worlds at least) have the ability to change our lives.

If we want to have more money, then we have two choices – change our jobs or work more jobs. If we want to have more free time, then we have two choices – accept having less money or make more money to provide the ability to work less. Whatever it is we want, there are basically two choices – do something about it so that we can have it or accept that we don’t/can’t have it.

No one else is responsible for those choices or wants. Once we have our basic needs met, everything else is on us.

This is how I have led my life.

I didn’t want to stay in Oregon after finishing university because I realized there was a whole world out there I knew nothing about. I hated Japan when I visited, but my options at the time were to go back to Japan or stay in Oregon. I didn’t want to continue being married to the man I had committed to after realizing that he wasn’t going to be husband I deserved. I hated the thought of divorce, but I hated the thought of living life being miserable even more. I didn’t want to become an English language educator because I had imagined a different career. However, I wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to spend more than a couple of years training or working my way up to be able to travel and see the world as I have. I didn’t necessarily want to get married again because a legal document does not make a committed relationship. Yet, upon finding the person I could see myself growing old happily with, I preferred to compromise than be alone or in less contented relationships in the future.

Life could easily have been different. It is not hard to justify an argument that I entered life with a rough start. It would have been easy enough to blame my birth mother, my temporary families that abused and traumatized me, my seemingly unlucky start to life. I could have taken a different road and view of the world. However, thanks to my stubbornness and a bit of lucky elements I have survived and worked very hard for this 45th birthday of contentment.

No sad piggy tears for me!

~T 😀

2020: Pausing to Breathe

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Sep 072020
 

It is becoming popular to say “2020” sucks because of COVID-19. It is becoming acceptable to complain and then blame it on the year that so many claim has not happened nor looks like it will before 2021 arrives.

I am curious to know if there is a common introverted vs extroverted response to the evolution of this year, or if optimists react differently than pessimists.

As a realist, here is my take.

The abnormality of this year has been like hitting the pause button on a movie. As someone who actually gets overwhelmed by all the motion and noise of the world, this pause has been like going figuratively out into the woods to take a long deep breath of fresh, clean, pure air.

So, when I hear all the moaning of the noisy minority I think I feel a kind of personal affront to who I am because to be perfectly honest, this has been an amazing year for me. I will be remember 2020 as the year that the world stopped long enough for some of us to take a long deep breath.

In a way, we have seen a division in personalities.

There are those who have told me that all the negative realities of the world are overwhelming them mentally and physically that they are struggling to face the days. There are those who have told me that they feel trapped by the lack of travel or free movement. There are those who have told me that they are bored with their lives because they cannot “do” anything.

My response to those who are overwhelmed by the negative realities because they tend to spend the majority of their time on social media or watching mass media feeding their brains with all the negativity: turn off the noise!

My response to those who are feel trapped: exercise, plan an amazing trip for next time and save up all the money you can now so that when the freedom is returned you don’t look back and wonder why you didn’t prepare for travel and moving again. Be proactive and prepare!

My response to those who are bored: get over yourself and DO something for others. So many restaurants, organizations, programs are struggling. Look them up and offer to DO something or donate if you’re one of the lucky few who has the income to do so. There are a million things to DO in a day that there is really no excuse for this statement.

Now, before my reader says, but: Do you follow your own responses? I preemptively respond with a YEP. And, though it may mean I have to toot my own horn, here is what I have been doing that addresses these perspectives.

1. I have screen time set to turn off every day from 7pm to 5am and it’s off all day on Sundays with the exception of one or two apps that I might use or that I use with my family in case something comes up. I also look at social media twice a day for a max of about 30 minutes or I look for the sole purpose of the magazine to get more followers or contributors. None of it is allowed to be processed too deeply on a regular basis. I do not watch or read the news, so most information comes via word of mouth or an occasional headline that I might see.

2. I admit that this is a little unfair in that we are preparing to move countries and so I have this to look forward to sooner than most. However, as someone who is used to traveling every few months, it has been a challenge. Instead, I have focused on building up our savings account and ensuring that we have a fund to splurge out – plus that fund is allowing us to not stress over the big move.

3. Aside from starting the magazine, I have donated to a homeless organization, used smile.amazon.com to support a ‘charity’ organization every time we purchase something online, bought from local venues, sent random gifts to others, made gifts for others, and more. So, despite not being an overly charitable person, I have made an effort to push myself to be more generous.

I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I am trying to say that I am no one special and there are numerous times in my life when I could have said that I prefer the path of darkness, self-pity, anger, bitterness, and wallow in the murky waters. I could have found a number of people to support that way of thinking and to tell me that I deserve to feel that way. However, as Robert Frost wrote: I chose the road less traveled by.

To me, it’s the easy and lazy way to go with the belief that life sucks. It’s simple-minded to say 2020 is the worst year ever or to blame a year – which has no personified qualities whatsoever. Instead, it takes character, integrity and strength to find a path forward that inspires and leads to the best version of who I can be. I want to look in the mirror every day and be satisfied with the person looking back at me instead of dodging the mirror altogether or playing a negative tune at the reflection.

We all have the ability to be and do more. Just do it – one step at a time.

30 Days of Gratitude

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jul 252016
 

Day 30:  What talent or skill do you have that you are grateful for?

When I first thought about the answer to this question, my mind came up with my ability to problem solve. Generally, I am the one who brainstorms ways to get out of a pickle and then takes action to make it happen once deemed the best choice in the moment. This is indeed a great skill to have especially during the past couple of months. However, when I consider the very moment what I am actually grateful for in my skills is that I can speak, read and write (sometimes) in Japanese. Why? Well, for some reason that I shall not question nor complain at all about, I have found tutoring opportunities in Japanese. That’s right, not English, but my second (err third?) language. It will be fairly lucrative if the lessons hold and the fact that I have experience learning the language, speak English well and can teach are highly in my favor to maintain these chances. So, while with all tutoring, nothing is ever for sure nor consistent, I can still say that I am grateful that I have this skill to give us a chance to make a few extra dirhams in our time of ‘need’. 😛

——

Well, today is the last day of the 30-day Gratitude challenge and I must say that the days went quickly. It was excellent for me to focus a bit each day on finding something to be thankful for as there were/are some days when I can easily choose to go the other way in my thinking.

However, the light is drawing closer at the end of our tunnel. We are starting to really see and feel hope for our lives to return to a sense of normal. It has not quite been the summer that we had planned on, but the truth is that if we needed to go through this period of our lives and marriage, now is definitely the time to have done it. There is much to be grateful for each and every day. The more that we focus on these positives the more it comes our way – it seems.

I have realized the importance of the words, tone and attitude I use as well. While I may say something positive, if my tone and attitude are a bit cynical or even a little sarcastic, then it diminishes the uplifting value of the good that is happening. Instead, I want to grow into the ideally graceful, generous and inspirational woman who emits love, compassion and happiness to those around me.

While I, like everyone, have many talents and skills to offer the world, what I truly desire is to offer an example of what it means to live life full of joy, love and contentment with the world doing my part to making it and others better. It may have taken me a while to get to this point of my life, I am here now. My new aspirations in life are to really live fully with these elements emanating from me wherever I go and with whomever I meet. 😀

~T 😀

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