Midnight Musings

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Feb 092021
 

It’s the middle of the night.

Despite going to bed at my usual time around 9 pm, and shortly falling asleep well before 10 to settle in for my evening slumber, I awoke briefly around 10:30 upon hearing my husband on the phone.

It’s not uncommon these days for him to stay up a bit later, or to rise early, for a phone call as his work connects him with people on various time zones.

However, nearly an hour later, the bed was still empty. So, I called him to bed in hopes of being able to nestle in for my desired sleep….

Yet, here I am at nearly 1:30 am, while my husband snores away, after attempting for the past two hours to lull myself to sleep through social media surfing and reading, taking in the quiet of the dark night.

Lately, I have been craving silence, and to some extent solitude. The 10-day silent meditation retreat I keep on my ‘to do eventually’ list is becoming less fearful as a daunting experience, and more attractive as a salve to a self-inflicted wound.

There is little to nothing to complain about where we are. I mean, how can one be truly discontent surrounded by vineyards in “mostly” sunny southern France?

It’s not a matter of contentment, but more of a need for nourishment like the soil craving the rainfall after a drought. As an introvert, being constantly bombarded with sound and another’s presence – even when it is the one I dearly love – is draining and overwhelming. Add on to that the daily activities of work and building a media platform.

I need peace and quiet. I need calm and tranquility. I need stability and sanity. I need to recharge, refresh, and replenish my internal fuel cells – alone.

All of these needs are hard to meet in a small, barely two-bedroom cottage where the stone walls are paper thin when a daily bundle of energy storms around filling the air and space until it is almost suffocating that the only escape is often, to escape.

Sometimes it feels like there is not enough air to breathe for two when it is supposed to be shared. Lately, I feel a bit as if I am gasping and grasping into an unknown dark abyss and just barely floating through based solely on trust and faith.

Like all things, this too shall pass. Like all things, the dark of night exacerbates the speckled holes of a sunlit life. Like all things, there is a silver lining.

Perhaps, I should embrace the quiet of the night and make the most of the wee hours to myself. If I cannot find my peace and calm during the day, maybe I can change my own pattern and expectations – until something else presents itself as another option. Maybe, my body and mind are telling me something and I shouldn’t fight the opportunity that is before me….

And, possibly, I should look into that retreat…. 😛

~T 😀

Hoping for the Best!

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Nov 242020
 

We are in the middle of the fourth week of lockdown 2.0 in France 🇫🇷. Tomorrow, there will be another update from the President (Macron), who is rumored to announce an extension of the period with some exceptions. Some have even suggested that the current state will be enforced until the new year.

While our day-to-day lives, especially during the week, have little to no change since we can go out for groceries or drives without any interference (thus far), there is a bit of claustrophobia felt on the weekends and in those moments when we consider escaping our computers for a while.

Mostly, though, it’s the lack of knowing what we can “get away with”. I imagine those who never consider challenging the ‘rules’ are bothered by this conundrum. Rather, their issues might be not being able to do anything even though this would not actually be true. We can do quite a lot depending on where we are. In our area, there seems to be little enforcement of staying at home or concern with people like us going for long drives on the backroads.

Since we are boundary-pushers, we find frustration in the fact that we do not know if we could actually make it to the beach or another town where we want to explore for our future home. We are kept away by not wanting to risk the initial fine of €175 (or thereabouts 💶) since we don’t know if it would be both of us that gets fined, and it’d be a waste of money 💸. On the other hand, we do not know anyone who has been fined, nor have we heard of many who have even been stopped. Still, I’m not willing to spend money on something like that even though we might ‘waste’ money on other things.

So, it is with fingers-crossed 🤞🏽that we hope that tomorrow’s news will be positive in that we can at least explore a bit even if it means we cannot enjoy cafe culture or restaurants for a bit longer. We shall see! 🙏🏽

~T 😀

2020: Pausing to Breathe

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Sep 072020
 

It is becoming popular to say “2020” sucks because of COVID-19. It is becoming acceptable to complain and then blame it on the year that so many claim has not happened nor looks like it will before 2021 arrives.

I am curious to know if there is a common introverted vs extroverted response to the evolution of this year, or if optimists react differently than pessimists.

As a realist, here is my take.

The abnormality of this year has been like hitting the pause button on a movie. As someone who actually gets overwhelmed by all the motion and noise of the world, this pause has been like going figuratively out into the woods to take a long deep breath of fresh, clean, pure air.

So, when I hear all the moaning of the noisy minority I think I feel a kind of personal affront to who I am because to be perfectly honest, this has been an amazing year for me. I will be remember 2020 as the year that the world stopped long enough for some of us to take a long deep breath.

In a way, we have seen a division in personalities.

There are those who have told me that all the negative realities of the world are overwhelming them mentally and physically that they are struggling to face the days. There are those who have told me that they feel trapped by the lack of travel or free movement. There are those who have told me that they are bored with their lives because they cannot “do” anything.

My response to those who are overwhelmed by the negative realities because they tend to spend the majority of their time on social media or watching mass media feeding their brains with all the negativity: turn off the noise!

My response to those who are feel trapped: exercise, plan an amazing trip for next time and save up all the money you can now so that when the freedom is returned you don’t look back and wonder why you didn’t prepare for travel and moving again. Be proactive and prepare!

My response to those who are bored: get over yourself and DO something for others. So many restaurants, organizations, programs are struggling. Look them up and offer to DO something or donate if you’re one of the lucky few who has the income to do so. There are a million things to DO in a day that there is really no excuse for this statement.

Now, before my reader says, but: Do you follow your own responses? I preemptively respond with a YEP. And, though it may mean I have to toot my own horn, here is what I have been doing that addresses these perspectives.

1. I have screen time set to turn off every day from 7pm to 5am and it’s off all day on Sundays with the exception of one or two apps that I might use or that I use with my family in case something comes up. I also look at social media twice a day for a max of about 30 minutes or I look for the sole purpose of the magazine to get more followers or contributors. None of it is allowed to be processed too deeply on a regular basis. I do not watch or read the news, so most information comes via word of mouth or an occasional headline that I might see.

2. I admit that this is a little unfair in that we are preparing to move countries and so I have this to look forward to sooner than most. However, as someone who is used to traveling every few months, it has been a challenge. Instead, I have focused on building up our savings account and ensuring that we have a fund to splurge out – plus that fund is allowing us to not stress over the big move.

3. Aside from starting the magazine, I have donated to a homeless organization, used smile.amazon.com to support a ‘charity’ organization every time we purchase something online, bought from local venues, sent random gifts to others, made gifts for others, and more. So, despite not being an overly charitable person, I have made an effort to push myself to be more generous.

I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I am trying to say that I am no one special and there are numerous times in my life when I could have said that I prefer the path of darkness, self-pity, anger, bitterness, and wallow in the murky waters. I could have found a number of people to support that way of thinking and to tell me that I deserve to feel that way. However, as Robert Frost wrote: I chose the road less traveled by.

To me, it’s the easy and lazy way to go with the belief that life sucks. It’s simple-minded to say 2020 is the worst year ever or to blame a year – which has no personified qualities whatsoever. Instead, it takes character, integrity and strength to find a path forward that inspires and leads to the best version of who I can be. I want to look in the mirror every day and be satisfied with the person looking back at me instead of dodging the mirror altogether or playing a negative tune at the reflection.

We all have the ability to be and do more. Just do it – one step at a time.

Standing in and Sharing the Light

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Aug 102020
 

Generally, I limit my social media interactions. For the longest time, I thought it was just because I do not care so much about what is going on in other people’s lives that I need to be updated regularly. However, just as its use has evolved, so has my reasoning for why I’m bothered by about 90% of what is out there these days.

Some time back someone recommended an author to me who writes about the peri menopausal/menopausal conditions of an aging woman from a rather humorous perspective – Nora Ephron. I read one of her books and it was indeed relatable and entertaining, but there was something that rubbed me wrong as I was reading her book “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”. Initially, I thought it was the experiences she relates as a white, middle class, empty-nesting mother. Or, I thought perhaps I am just not yet old enough to appreciate it.

However, as time passed and I contemplated it more, I have found that the same niggling that bothered me about Ephron’s book is what irritates me about most social media posts (in particular, FB).

Some people are like me who post the various things they do in a day with a more upbeat tone. I try to share things to let those who follow me – particularly my family whom I don’t get to see often – that I’m still alive and enjoying life, for the most part. I do not post to have political discussions or to commiserate about the woes of my life. My outlet for that is this blog and it is one-sided mostly – as in, almost no one comments and even then there isn’t a back and forth dialog that happens on FB.

It is that aspect of commiseration that bothers me. Ephron’s book is one long commiseration for others in the same mindset and phase of life as the author. However, the tone of the pity party isn’t to uplift or to inspire, but to wallow and help others to feel okay about wallowing as well. In other words, the message is “Don’t feel bad about feeling bad, others feel bad too.”

While I understand the need to acknowledge that sometimes we just need to vent and have at least one person out there make us feel accepted and not alone, I do not think that this should be done on social media. Along the same vein, I do not think that social media should be used to present our lives as better than they are to give others a false sense of who we are.

People have sometimes asked me if my life is as good as it seems when I post pictures of my holidays or what I see and do. I always answer, YES my life is THAT good. It is. But, when I do have my down moments, I look to those around me to offer support and love or I call home to connect and address my homesickness. I do not put it up on a platform to make myself feel better by getting words of commiseration from people whom I may or may not really know and continuing a cycle of: not feeling bad that I feel bad because others also feel bad, so let’s all feel bad together….

The fact is that many people out there are truly struggling. Perhaps they can’t find work. Perhaps they can barely put food on the table. With quarantine and pandemic rhetoric, there are probably people suffering from depression, and isolation may not be serving them well. Therefore, posting about our inability to travel or go out regularly or having to cope with the ‘new normal’ – I hate this phrase, by the way -, we are promoting a negative message. For some, they may think, “If this person, who seems to have it all together, is moaning, then how will I ever get out of my own spiraling personal hell?!”

The truth is that many of us are quite privileged – we have the luxury to eat fully, bake regularly, work from home, order food if we don’t want to cook, see friends nearby, video chat with family from afar, and so much more. So, I feel that we should be sharing the little ways that we find joy in our days – a colorful butterfly, a flower blossom, ducklings on the river, the smile of a neighbor, moments to write or start new projects, etc. Spreading moments of joy and happiness provides others with hope and may inspire them to also see light in their version of darkness.

I’m not saying we should pretend that our lives are grand. I’m saying that the old adage of “If you don’t have anything nice to say/post, then don’t say/post it at all (especially on social media)” should be put into place, especially as we navigate our way through the current state of the world. If we all work toward bringing a little bit more light into the world, then even our own clouds of grey can be swept away.

~T 😀

One to One

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 192020
 

If you look at my Facebook friends numbers, it says 914 as of today. One might think that I am a social butterfly with numbers like that.

However, it just goes to show how much numbers can be used to express, or give the perception of, something that is quite far from the truth.

Initially, I was going to write this post regarding my preference for just a few friends rather than many, but as I sat to write my mind drifted to the more current matter of how numbers are being used to try to convince people to “fall in line” with societal pressures to stay at home and socially distance themselves from others.

This morning, I read that to create prosperity we have to study about money (Rules of Wealth). In doing so, we learn the lingo and language, lifestyle and way of thinking that people with money, or who understand money, use to be wealthy.

The academic in me wholeheartedly embraces this advice. The anti-news consumer in me wholeheartedly rejects this advice. Somewhere in the middle is the skeptic who says that maybe it is true that if I don’t follow this advice I will limit my prosperity, but perhaps it also doesn’t hurt to learn a little bit and expand my knowledge base.

Most strongly, though, is my issue with numbers. Every day, we read about the latest numbers for the newly infected, deaths, and those hospitalized due to COVID-19. Now, these numbers can only reflect one piece of the bigger picture. Our attention has been trained to focus solely on the illness itself. Only this week have I started to hear discussion in the media regarding people’s livelihoods. Suddenly, with unemployment benefit applications rising to nearly a quarter of the US population there is interest in numbers related to the economy, households, etc.

The media is now going to force people to apply their emotional responses to the sad stories of those who are struggling because of the global shutdown. However, my issue is why wasn’t there some forethought applied before when decisions were made to blow numbers out of proportion scaring people into believing that it was a social responsibility to stay at home and close down the world? Where was the sense of social responsibility when it came to ensuring that people could pay bills, put food on their tables, and feel secure in being able to provide basic needs for themselves and their families?

I know I already ranted about this before, but when thinking about numbers again, I am amazed at the lack of desirability for the powers that be to make one to one correlations. I am amazed at how little skepticism is applied to what high numbers represent.

Just because my Facebook says I have 914 friends, does not make a one to one reality that they are all actually my friends.

It doesn’t seem like we need basic math(s) for that….

~T 😀

Be Free and Prosper

 Going Mental  1 Response »
May 122020
 

A month has flown by!

The last time I wrote, we were just going into the State of Emergency (SoE) within a few prefectures, then all of Japan was brought under the declaration. Despite the initial plan to return to life as we knew it by May 6th – after the Japanese Golden Week(end) holidays -, we found ourselves with an unsurprising extension until the end of the month.

Even then, there’s no certainty that the SoE will be lifted in Tokyo as the government has set a target of reducing exposure, measured by train use (I think), by 70-80%. Although Golden Week was relabeled as “Stay At Home Week”, it seems that people are getting restless despite the reported numbers.

With the weather warming up and people finding it more and more challenging to stay inside every day, I am not confident that the lofty target will ever be reached.

As the rest of the world starts to reassess, I find myself wondering what it was all for. Some may not want to believe in conspiracy theories, and I’m no lover of them either, but I absolutely do not believe that government actions on a global scale such as we have seen was done over something only slightly worse than SARS.

Now, I’m not a scientist. I’m not even reading up on it. I’m not up-to-date on political actions or economies domestic or abroad. I care very very little for any of these things. In fact, in all honesty, I care very little for the numbers touting millions of cases of infection or 286 thousand plus deaths (7% of those infected).

I’m a big believer in the fact that our planet is massively over-populated and that the Universal Earth is probably letting us know this directly since slowly warming up the planet and highlighting the loss of flora and fauna hasn’t been effective. I’m also a believer in the Darwinian theory of survival of the fittest.

I know it’s not politically correct anymore to think this way. I know it sounds harsh and lacking in compassion. However, my response is, get over your emotions and look at this rationally and with logic.

This virus is not randomly killing people at unimaginable rates. Instead, there are known factors as to who gets infected. There are known factors as to why people die. There are also known factors as to how it can be spread.

Therefore, logically and rationally speaking, global national lock downs preventing people from working to support theirs and their families’ livelihoods is absolutely mind-bogglingly stupid. From my own experience, I know that it takes but a blink of an eye to become financially destitute. Not knowing how you are going to eat or pay rent or any bills is beyond stressful – more stressful than worrying about catching a virus that may or may not kill you. Then, the building back up, paying back debt, and getting back on one’s feet can take years – if at all possible.

In fact, the thought of dying by one’s own hands is a higher risk than getting sick.

So, again, I ask you, what is the reason behind all of this?

How did we become a society where the minority dictates and rules the actions of the majority? When did the majority determine that they should be ruled by illogical and emotional rationalizations?

My guess?

Privilege.

I’m not talking just about white people, though they are the majority. But, there are plenty of privileged people of color spouting the same messages.

“Stay at Home” / “We are in it together” / “It’s not about you, it’s about saving lives” / “Wear a mask because you care about other people”

These are words of the privileged. These are words of those who are still getting paid every week or month in their jobs. These are words of those who have enough money to carry on their everyday lives. These are words of those who are healthy. These are words of those who already live apart from others. These are words of those who do not have to worry.

The privileged are not debating whether or not they have the ability to stay at home away from others and their jobs. The privileged are not in it together with those who are struggling to put food on the table. The privileged are not forced to think about how to save their own lives. The privileged are not caring about other people, but themselves and their loved ones.

Now, I know I am privileged. I am getting paid regularly and I love working from home. I am healthy, though less so from being home all day. I also am lucky that as an introvert, I am living my best life right now.

My husband is not. (Obviously, he’s still privileged because he has me as a wife! 😛 )

However, we both know what it is like to struggle and have to rebuild. That was in “normal” times.

Again, there is no rational reason for the lock downs, shut downs, put downs.

It should be our choice whether or not to expose ourselves just as we do every year when flu season hits. (Yes, I do understand this is NOT the same as the annual flu.) It should be our choice as to whether or not our financial status is good or bad based on our own decisions – not the governments or my neighbors’.

We need to remember that people are whole people. We need to make room to allow people to make their own decisions and to know what is best for them and their families. We need to be free and prosper as we see fit.

This… this is absolutely inexplicably unacceptable….

~T :/

Comfort in Isolated Community

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Apr 092020
 

These days, my parents and I seem to be Skyping about every two weeks. Although they are still young at heart and generally fit, I do remind them that they aren’t getting any younger – much to their chagrin. (It’s my duty as a daughter to keep it real! ) Therefore, our regular catch ups serve multiple purposes. 😉

There were periods of time in the past when it would be months in between our chats. It was partially life, partially technology, partially me, and partially them. There was never a major reason for it – it just happened. Still, I knew I could always call them anytime.

Despite my fairly blase (or anti-drama/extremism/it’s a conspiracy somewhere) attitude toward our current global situation, I realize that it is probably getting more radical as time passes. Therefore, it makes it even more comforting being able to talk with people who think like I do.

Of course, my beliefs are heavily influenced on how I was raised, so it’s natural that my family and I have similar outlooks and responses to the world. But, we have had quite varied life experiences. Also, not everyone who is family thinks the same way – nor should it be expected. Yet, talking with my parents this week made me really appreciate our commonality.

Or, maybe, what I appreciate is that we have always had the ability to share freely how we think about life without judgement or fear of upsetting the other. Thinking back, this has always been the case. Our immediate family has no secrets – that I know of! – from each other; of course, it wouldn’t be a secret if I knew. 😛 Perhaps, it is that I have no secrets from my family; therefore, I feel completely at ease discussing any topic with them whether it is in person, via Skype, or through writing.

It is a reminder to me how perfect of a match my parents are to me.

Once, my brother shared his opinion of our parents, which drastically differed from my own. This is absolutely not to say that he doesn’t love them to pieces, but he experienced growing up with them in a different way than I did.

It’s one of those great psychological wonders: how do the same parents end up with two completely different children in personality? We’ve all read about, seen, or even know examples of this dichotomy. It’s always a mystery. If we consider that the parents treated each child basically the same, then how can the children grow up to be so different?

Well, we are individuals, of course. We all experience the same events in a myriad of ways that are unique to our psychological and chemical make-up. Of course, we are influenced by our environment, and obviously even the best of parents cannot treat their children exactly the same (no matter how much they try to convince us otherwise).

Still, some siblings are shown to think exactly the same. Some families are shown to be a complete entity of their own.

For most of my young life, I believed this kind of similarity could only happened to blood families. If you shared DNA, then it was no mystery as why or how they were similar.

However, with age comes some wisdom and with reflection comes knowledge. It is not always about blood, but it is always about spirit. The Universe deemed it right and completely logical that I would be raised by two people that I call ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’. I didn’t at first as it took me years to convince myself that they were mine to keep forever. But, now, there’s no doubt that we are cut from the same cloth – just with different designs.

So, during this time of self-isolation and quarantine, I find that it is not that hard to be away from others. It’s like my best dream come true, really – though not so great as to the way it came about.

I don’t have to communicate with others to absorb their reactions to the situation and vice versa. I don’t have to worry about offending others if I disagree or stress myself out in keeping my thoughts to myself. I don’t have to be influenced by other’s energies other than my husband’s.

It’s bliss.

Just a final disclaimer – I’m not an advocate of surrounding oneself with those who always think the same or mutually agree on everything. OMG, would that be boring! I do love a good debate and discussion on different perspectives. I’m just saying that in this time of high anxiety and stress for most, it is comforting to know that I have an isolated community who gets me. 😉

~T 😀

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