gratitude – Creative Meanderings

Basking in Spring

Mar 252025

Spring has sprung. The sun is shining with a blue sky that holds big puffy clouds as they float above. Birds of unknown varieties and quantities sing their songs as some, like the swallows, nestle into their homes making room for the coming babies. The lizards and bugs have also come out to play. The brown is turning to green or pockets of color while buds give a hint of more to come.

It’s a beautiful time of year.

For me, it’s the sun. I move myself out into the light to type, write, read, or do just about anything under the warming rays. It’s this period before the heat becomes unbearable, but after the chill has left the air. The cool mornings and nights burn off into comfortable t-shirt (or sports bra only) temperatures. This is perfection.

Also, aside from the sounds of nature – which is never “quiet” despite what people try to romantically tell you, it is peaceful. It is quiet from most modern noises, though I can hear the cars go by or an occasional hunk of metal will fly overhead. Still, there are no people sounds. No energy shifts disrupting my calm or keeping me on edge are present. I can bask in the tranquility of stability.

I was bordering on a proper explosion of frustration. It’s not from a lack of love. It’s just from a lack of peace. My nervous system felt frayed. Today, I feel the beginnings of refreshment and rejuvenation.

While I don’t always consider myself as more self aware than others, it is in moments like this when I wonder how people survive if they aren’t aware of their energetic needs, or the impact of others on them. Then, I realize the state of stress and anxiety in the world. The number of unhappy people. Those who take their lives to escape. Or, even the societal trend to hide away in the online world and avoiding soaking up all that nature has to offer. When you are constantly surrounded by the makings of man and do not have the chance to escape into the truly real world, it must be depressing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We all know I am NOT a lover of nature. You are not going to catch me droning on about wanting to head off on a hike or talk about the million different types of flowers or tell you I’m off to work in my garden. That is still not me – at all. However, there is enough joy to be found in sitting in stillness or in quiet while nature moves around me. I’m content to absorb the goodness.

So, here I sit with my man-made computer writing but listening, smelling, seeing, and feeling all that nature has to offer.

Family Time

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Mar 092025

Family. Such a loaded and complicated word. So much is wrapped up in this two-syllable (or three if you enunciate it fully) word.

When you’re an adopted person, this word has even more implications and nuances. We are told that we are lucky because our family “chose” us. Or, as in my case, I feel privileged to have a family that I call mine.

Still, the subtle subtexts of my relationship with and to this family are shadowed in the reality of my having created a very full life away from them. One of my main explanations is that I never quite felt that I fit in to the family, or the USA, so that becoming an expat felt natural – why not actually be a foreigner when you already feel like one?

Yet, I remember many years ago one of my cousins said to me in a strange moment, “When you make it big, don’t forget your family.” First, who knew that I was going to make it BIG? Second, why would I forget my family? Now, those words have a touch of foreshadowing in them. I haven’t made it “big” per se, but in the words of that very same cousin this past week, I have made a good life for myself.

This is true.

Also, I have not forgotten my family.

I only have two uncles — one on each side of my parents. One is an in-law and the other, my father’s brother. Both have always treated me as family with great kindness, attention, and I believe, love. A few weeks ago now, one of them left us behind on our walk through this life. Everyone around him feels his loss, especially his brother – my father.

Both of my parents hold my heart together, in different ways, of course. My mother keeps my heart strong and practical. My father keeps it firm yet fragile. So, when he cried in his grief my heart cracked while her strength kept it from breaking.

With this sight on the other side of my screen, I determined that I needed to go home and see the family.

That side of the family is complicated, messy, and fractured in the most dysfunctional of ways. I mean, really, whose family isn’t when you peel away the layers? Yet, I always have made an effort to see my aunts and uncle when I visit home in Oregon. My cousins and I have kept a thin thread going over the years, but I think it is safe to say that we all sort of believed our parents and siblings were still long with us. In essence, we got complacent taking each other for granted.

Then, two members of the family passed away in a short period. Suddenly, we are faced with mortality and re-evaluating what is important.

Family.

So, during this visit, I got to see the cousins. I visited with my aunts. I also spent quality time with my parents. Time is limited on this earth, and as we do not know how much time we have left with one another, it seems silly to waste even a moment on the complications, the disagreements, the judgements. For me, once I call you family, there is nothing that can take that title away. Although I missed the deaths of my grandparents, they visited me in my dreams to say good-bye. Even still, I felt sad that I wasn’t old enough, or rather mature enough, to hold them in better esteem to have prioritized time with them and upon their passing.

Thankfully, time teaches us and we grow (sometimes).

While making a return trip to the States was not an ideal, I am so so thankful that we had the time and means to make sure I could do it. The time spent this past week with family has been more than meaningful, but impactful of the fullest kind.

So, hold on tightly to those whom you call family – whether or not they are related by blood. They may not be there tomorrow, so make the most of today.

Rising Temperatures; Cooling Minds

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Jul 152024

I love this picture so much. It represents the sense of melting that I feel in these really hot and humid days where I feel as if my skin is burning off even in the shade after just 5 minutes outside. It also shows my avatar relaxed and accepting the situation, which is how I feel in my current state as I begin to let go of recent stress and angst. It’s a good image.

It’s 37 degrees Celsius or 98 degrees Fahrenheit as I write this. That’s hot.

When I was younger, even just a couple of years ago, I chased the sun wanting to soak up all the rays to darken a tan, absorb all the Vitamin D I could, and in general, enjoy what a sunny day offers: poolside, cocktails, reading, relaxing.

Since menopause set in and the heat feeling like a furnace , I find myself less inclined to rush outdoors. Plus, there’s the bugs .

On top of that, we are having pool construction done so there’s nowhere to cool off even if I did convince myself to go outdoors.

Unfortunately, my already likely VitD-deficient self also does not necessarily do well indoors all day every day. So, as I’m in ankle recovery – which is going very well, in case you were wondering, I have been trying to adjust my schedule to remedy this a bit. Also, M is away for a few days and the pups have gone to the kennel giving me quite a bit of freedom to breathe.

The mornings are still cool enough to sit outside for an hour or two, if I get up and moving before 9 am. The evenings are definitely not for sitting outdoors for me just now, but once the sun has gone down, it is cooler to get the watering done for the plants before I flee any mozzie attacks. While this is not the most ideal for getting some sun exposure in, it is working for now.

Mostly, the freedom to move at my own pace, on my own time, in my own way is the key.

Sometimes a little alone time is all one needs to cool down in times of rising temperatures – both physically and mentally.

~ T

Moody

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Mar 182024

The mood swings are real today and it’s not yet 10 am. I didn’t post on Friday either because I couldn’t quite figure out what to write about or how to formulate my thoughts. So, this may just be a random post of ups and downs, ins and outs.

A friend is going in to surgery today for his prostate. Yesterday, we saw another friend who just had prostate surgery and is still recovering even after a month.

Although I was in for a very different reason, I find myself heavily empathizing with these folks who have to spend any time in a hospital, worry about surgery, and cope with recovery. It’s been just over a year now since I had my ankle drama and yet I still suffer from stiffness and a little fear of breaking it again. I can remember the days in the hospital, the near tears over the thought of another hospital meal, and the creeping despair that one day I might die alone in a room with no one knowing. Of course, the latter sounds overly dramatic, but the thoughts do run the gambit when stuck in unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and unsatisfying circumstances.

In any case, some of my thoughts and energies are going towards them in hopes of swiftness and ease.

Then, there is the grey of today. The weekend was actually quite lovely with sun shining and warmth in the air. Yet, I still had little clouds lingering over me. One reason was the need to get out and away from the house.

Lately, M has been content to potter around the garden, planting vegetables and flowers, mowing the lawn and doing all things domestic outside. He did get me to plant a few things in pots that we moved around the patio, so that was my brief outdoor activity. However, I also pushed for getting into town for garden center shopping on Saturday and lunch in town on Sunday. We took the pups in for lunch for the first time in almost a year and they were little stars – no major barking or even pulling on the leads. Phew was that a relief!

Another reason was lasting triggers from childhood. My dad always wanted me to be outside. If it was sunny, it was expected that I would want to be outside. Yet, I never really did. I mean, I love the sunshine and being warm, but in the spring when it seems most get the fever, I just want to hide indoors. My nose itches, my eyes water, and so being out on a “beautiful spring day” equals misery unless it is in town with a cup of coffee or over a delicious meal – ha!

Of course, I shouldn’t let these things cast shadows. I am an adult now fully in control of my own actions and moods. Still, the mind is a mysterious control center that can surreptitiously push the spirit off balance. Then, before we are aware, our moods have fallen into a valley with only one way out – through it.

So, that is perhaps where I am. Fortunately, I have plenty to distract myself with in terms of work and other activities. I have managed to find some outlets for myself to get involved in, but more on that later.

With that, I feel better now. Thanks for reading me through the process!

Until next time,

That’s A Wrap on January!

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Feb 022024

It went so quickly, this past month. We were relatively busy with settling back into home life whilst also preparing for our upcoming trip to Australia and planning the rest of the year. I have a feeling 2024 is going to go fast and I’ll start sounding like a broken record about the speed of passing time.

So, to counter that, I am going to give myself a February challenge of sitting in meditation once a day. The sits have no parameters on length of time or when in the day it is done. Rather, I just want to re-train the brain to pause, not get caught up in the energetic chaos that can come from others, and to find the small things in which I can find contentment and/or gratitude. Thus, my posts in this next month will include some particular moments in which I felt present and aware of life’s blessings.

1st – catching up friends for the first time this year and since we have been back. The conversation flowed naturally and it was a nice, chilled time.

2nd (today) – after nearly two years of taking yoga classes with the same people, I finally sat with them and began to learn who they are as individuals with whom I share space with in not just yoga, but this world and community.

It is in this vein that I leave January behind and look forward to what February brings.

These are the days…

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Oct 132023

…that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in them.

When I was young, spring and fall were my least favorite seasons because it meant rain and allergies while summer and winter were the days of vacation. Now, I barely tolerate summer as the heat is no longer my friend, winter is OK for a month or so until it gets boring being cold and having days of grey. So, now, I accept I must simply pop some antihistamines once or twice a day and turn my attention to feeling gratitude toward the still warm days (but not dreadful heat) that mark the autumn season. Of course, wait until I write next week after a week of the rain that is coming…

Overall, though, I have been making a point of rejoicing and being glad in my days.

Although I am not overly religious, and have long since moved away from the life of Church-going, fellowship gatherings, and the like, I still believe in a bigger entity that I have previously shared that I call both Father God and Lady Universe – I think acknowledging the masculine and feminine powers is important.

Lately, I have developed an irrational (probably hormonal) sense of anxiety about driving, socializing, and various other everyday activities. While I am pretty good at talking myself out of and through it, I have found that one way I feel calm and at peace is through listening to Christian music. I know, weird-ish, right?!

Music has always been something that has soothed me. I remember humming as a child whenever I felt a little stressed and it would lighten my mood. For whatever reason, I can remember many lyrics and often sing along to songs (which tortured my brother for years) as I love how the mix of words and music tell a story.

So, it has been with joy that I have rediscovered the role of it in my life – especially as a soother to my anxiousness.

With that, Happy Friday the 13th! May you be rejoicing and being glad these days!

On the way to 108

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Aug 282023

So, today I finished 70 sun salutations for Day 16 of my 28-day challenge to build up to 108 in one go. I wrote when I was starting it two weeks ago.

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling keen. I thought to myself that it’s only another 38 rounds to the full amount and so I could surely get them done and I’d have fulfilled my challenge. Well, by the time I got to the mat and had done about 10, I was rethinking my eager self. At round 45, I began to consider whether or not I would even reach the 70 for the day. By round 60, I felt content that I was nearly done and had stuck to my schedule feeling good about the next session tomorrow.

It was interesting to observe my thoughts as I went from eager beaver to doubting Thomas to happy pappy modes.

What I have observed so far in this process is that there is a discipline required and I am building that skill.

The discipline to get on the mat every day, except the rest days, and to keep to the somewhat arbitrary schedule is a test of fortitude and mental strength. Of course, there is also the physical well-being. My ankle is benefiting for the most part as long as I don’t go too fast or hard. I have to respect the motions. My back is less pleased with the movements so that I have to modify on some rounds or for a set of them to give it a bit of a break. However, this gives me a beginner’s mind in considering how to teach these poses for someone who is not able to do them. The rest of my body is going just fine. I see my shoulders and arms toning back up. I see my bum lifting. I am waiting for my stomach to join the party, but there’s still time.

Most importantly, though, I feel good. It has become a nice routine to get up and spend an hour in my own headspace moving my body. Six months ago, this would have been considered a luxury, so I am thankful to my body for its healing and my mind for its strength.

So, only another 12 days to go with two rest days in there to go!!! I’ve totally got this!

The Chaos Pendulum

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Aug 212023

Life is very good. People who do not know us or our history have told us that they can never imagine being able to live as we do. People who do not know us or our history think that what we have now was easy to obtain–for us. People who do not know us or our history think that I am a “princess” and M is a “saint”.

Let me emphasize, these are people who do not know us or our history.

Just six years ago, we arrived in Japan nearly penniless having borrowed money from M’s daughter to pay for our plane tickets out of the UAE with only a faint hope that starting over would be how we were going to rebuild our finances and our lives. Thanks to our dear friends and the blessings of the Universe, we were able to find a place to live, and survived on about 15USD a day. For a month, we made the best of it until M’s first paycheck. Slowly, we made progress–moving into a house, increasing our daily spending, I finally started working, and then little by little life became easier.

Then, the pandemic happened. We willingly and consciously decided to uproot ourselves and move continents–again.

Although we were not in the same position as when we arrived in Japan, we were not in the best of positions when we left. Still, life is short and we are eternal optimists (well, me less so than M ).

So, we arrived in Europe with a few more pennies in our pocket (and we paid for our own flights ), and smarter about how we went about our days. M’s business was taking off so much so that he could quit his other work. I was only working freelance, but for a lot less money. Still, we were on the upside again.

We moved to Italy and found our dream home. Feeling on top of the world, we agreed to a crazy plan to buy the house.

Then, the markets crashed.

Another year of stress came to us as we considered how to ensure we weren’t homeless and penniless–again. Yet, we made it through.

What people see now is the results of all of the above. Keep in mind that’s just the abbreviated version! The fact is that life is full of ups and downs. I consider my husband to be like a walking energy tornado who has a knack of creating chaos. Yet, somehow he makes magic with it. Plus, to give myself some credit, he has me to bring balance to the pendulum. I make sure the pendulum swings are not so extreme anymore–or at least, that is the goal.

The point is that no one’s life is easy no matter how it may look on the outside. Seeing a slice of the pie doesn’t mean that the other side is still intact or pretty. While we naturally will judge what we can see or want to see, I remind myself and us that we have no idea what’s on the inside of a person or a relationship or a situation. Also, the seemingly perfect can become less than so in a blink of eye so nothing should ever be taken for granted.

In any case, I am enjoying the upswing of the pendulum and am thankful every day that this is my life.

Bonjour de France!

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jul 172023

We are officially on our summer holidays!

Although, to be fair, it doesn’t look or feel that much different from our regular days since neither of us “work” all day long. Plus, M is always “working”, so even when on holiday he is messaging, fielding calls, etc.

Still, the environment has changed and we have plans to explore a bit more of France and some islands over the next couple of months.

Yet…it has a sort of odd feeling to it as well.

This week, M is in the UK on his own doing a mix of work and pleasure traveling. This means I am on my own in our place in Lorgues, but without the puppies. It’s best for them that we were able to find a nice couple, we think, to house- and pet-sit for us. Despite that, I had this weird sense of anxiety yesterday when I dropped of M at the airport.

Perhaps, it was a little bit of residue from the last time he left me on my own as it resulted in my ankle-break. Perhaps, it is some premonition yet to be known. Or, perhaps, it is just a jumble of emotions that are brewing inside of me in quietly coping with different levels of stress as we prepared to leave for about a month.

This is the first time that we have left the dogs for such a long period of time. This is the first time we have strangers in our house for such a long period of time. This is the first time that we have started to live the life that we want in having a home-base, but still be free to come and go in our travels around.

So, I suppose it is natural that we/I have this anxiety. Possibly, M manifested his anxiety through work-stress while I have buried it within until now.

Yesterday, when I got back, I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep without any disruptions or distractions. Although I had a dinner invite, I could not summon the energy to be sociable, try to speak French, stay awake. Even with a short afternoon nap that usually refreshes me for the late Mediterranean evening culture, I still could not find motivation. So, I stayed in – because I could! I was in bed by 9 and probably asleep not that much later.

My sleep wasn’t great, but I was not awakened by anything other than my own alertness.

Thus, this week, I have planned to detox my body, reboot my physical health, and refresh my mind. I started this morning with an early walk and attempted a light job, which would be more aptly referred to as a fast-walk, but that’s OK. I prepped some lemon water, relaxed with my cup of coffee on the balcony, did some work, and am now already at the end of my to-do list for the day. Tonight will be my last solid food night for the week as I had already agreed to go out for unlimited tacos and rosé with music. Then, tomorrow, I go on my liquid detox of lemon water and smoothies to try to give my body a break from the booze and overeating.

To encourage myself, I have booked a couple of massages that also allow for a couple of hours at the spa as a way of mini-retreat treatments mixed in with a means of distraction from wanting to eat and of refreshing – one of my goals for the week.

So, I’ll be back towards the end of the week to let you know how it goes!

Reflections: Into 2023 We Go

Going Mental 1 Response »

Dec 232022

I wrote this as a draft for another article I was going to submit, but realized it was a bit too personal to share on a non-affiliated space. There is some repeat from an earlier post last week, but in any case, I thought I’d put it here for record-keeping and, well, this IS an affiliated space for my personal musings. Also, as this is the sum of my reflections for my regular new year’s planning as I’ll take a wee break from writing for a week or so, consider it my 2023 resolutions post.

To be perfectly honest, my reflective behavior is usually focused on myself and only myself. Although this might sound enviable (or extremely self-centered) to many who struggle to embrace self-care, self-awareness, positive self-talk, etc., it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

For me, my introspective nature is an attempt to better myself as a member of society, a participant in my community of friends, a wife to my husband, a daughter to my parents, a sister to my brother, a writer to my unknown readers, and a representative to my fellow humans. In this attempt at self-improvement, as defined by the transcendentalists of 19th century America, comes a sense of exhaustion – quite the opposite to the goal our 21st century idea of “self -” promotes.

So, as I reflect on the past year or so with the return of an adjusted-way-of-life post-COVID19, I am setting new goals for the next year – to be more SELFish. WHAT?! (a collective gasp might be heard).

I know – controversial, right?

Let me clarify from the start, I will never be selfish to the point that it hurts another individual or at the expense of another human being (or animal, for that matter). It is not in my nature to be intentionally harmful to others; thus, it would not actually be selfish for me to behave in such a manner. Rather, what I mean is that my actions and activities this year are going to be focused on what benefits me as a person. Instead of reflecting on how my actions, thoughts, or words might be perceived or affected by others, I am going to consider how they affect me first and foremost.

An example of how this will play out is in my writing. For years, I have been writing for my own private audience of one – me! Although I do have public spaces like social media or a blog (or two or three), I do not advertise them outside of a subtle link on a profile page. In general, I prefer to work quietly from behind the scenes such as on The Universal Asian or my Medium page. However, this year, I will be focusing on building up my own space as OSH, where I’ll be sharing my own writing, services for Book Coaching and Editing, plus a subscription-based newsletter called OSH’s Letters where I will write to subscribers and share my worldview on the day-to-day experiences discovered on my journey through living on this planet. Much of the latter is still in the works, but do feel free to check the spaces often or go ahead and subscribe on the form provided to stay updated. See how my selfish act(s) work here – a shameless plug for my site(s), but no harm done, right?!

Other ways that this selfishness will play out for me is going to be in spending more time doing yoga and meditating regularly. Although this falls into a ‘self-care’ category, I also treat it as a self-ish time out for only me. It may be at the expense of others in terms of my available time to them, but rather than seeing it as harmful, I consider it helpful that there will be boundaries and by me taking this time for myself, I can be more present and purposeful when I do give others my time.

Also, I’m taking a page out of Tim Ferriss’s Four-Hour Workweek: Life is now and I can live the lifestyle of a millionaire without having to actually be one – though I wouldn’t complain if that happened! Basically, after a summer as a revolving door of visitors to our new home in Italy, I am closing our open-door policy so that we can have time to travel ourselves. Although I fully enjoyed our visits, it was draining and we did not get to do our own exploring of places. Therefore, doors will still be open, just on a more structured timeline.

So, you see, it’s not that self is to be hyphenated this year, but rather it just is itSELF.

Here’s to an amazing year to the SELF.

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