life’s lessons – Creative Meanderings

Enough is Enough!

Feb 042025

*Trigger Warning – if you’re weak or easily offended, don’t bother reading this post. It won’t help you.*

Life on a schedule may seem too constricting to most, but I challenge anyone who says that to a comparison on productivity, satisfaction, and contentment levels. If you, reader, say to yourself, “Well, of course, if you’re on a schedule you’re going to get more done, but it’s not for me.” My reply back, is “Explain yourself.”

In this modern world where it is acceptable to moan and groan over our dissatisfaction with every aspect of our lives, we have become complacent accepting mediocrity, and in some cases even less than that, – even to the point of celebrating it hiding behind words of martyr, busy or phrases like it’s OK for you, but not for me. Well, I’m calling you out and saying BS, if this is you.

Unapologetically, I am no longer going to smile, nod or be silent towards those who moan and groan.

First, it’s selfish and tiring of the “poor me”s of the world. You’re basically living on the sails of those who create the wind to reach destinations. You’re definitely benefiting from others’ efforts while sitting back and acting as if you’re a victim of circumstance. So, as loud as you can imagine me screaming this STOP IT! Enough is enough.

Second, check your ego. Your ego is telling you that you’re too important or too good, or even too unimportant, or too worthless to achieve your goals. The ego feeds on being right. The brain enjoys being lazy. So, if your brain and ego work in tandem then the path of least resistance is the one in which you do nothing and prove your ego right whether it is a positive or negative message. Unfortunately, the heart/mind (not the same as the brain) is the most important component to our state of satisfaction and contentment.

What’s the difference between satisfaction and contentment?

Satisfaction is the happy feeling you get from working hard at something. Perhaps, it is finishing a 10-minute walk. Perhaps, it is not eating that last piece of cake. Perhaps, it is allowing yourself time to just sit and breathe. The sigh of “ah” that your mind and body say, whether outloud or in silence, is satisfaction.

Contentment is the constant feeling you have about your life situation. It is not wanting any more or any less than what you have. It is not keeping up with the Joneses or Smiths. It is being in the zone.

So, when we set goals, create a schedule that allows us to achieve in small chunks of time, we increase our sense of satisfaction. When we do that on a regular basis, we gain a sense of contentment. Over time, all of that goes up.

Even better is that our egos and brains start to get onboard so that you get even more motivated to achieve because they always want to be right and self-important. Honestly, it’s a win-win-win situation.

Now, I return to how I started. Explain yourself. Why wouldn’t you want to create a schedule, set up a routine, and ensure success? Why would you want to continue to be a victim, martyr and complacent?

P.S. More of these posts might start to take on a confrontational tone because given the state of the nation, you know which one, I am percolating with frustration and so every little bit I can do to fire up people in a productive and positive way, I am going to do that.

The Drama Train

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 282025

As I attempt to work on my fiction novel, I feel supported by my new mentor through the PocketMFA program that I decided to join to help me move forward with my writing on this manuscript. She has also written non-fiction first, then moved toward writing her fiction novels. As I spoke with her at the end of last week, I more clearly understood my challenges in being able to stick with the fiction.

Non-fiction is fact-based, hence its name. It is clear and indisputable for the most part. Emotions are also left out of the writing except for perhaps some minor commentary here and there. It is much easier to write about the facts. There is basically little-to-no emotional drama in this style of writing.

Part of me wonders if being with a highly dramatic individual causes me to lean more towards the logical, practical, and less emotional writing.

Have I always been fairly unemotional? Yes, I think so. Was I naturally this way? Perhaps, but I can’t say for sure.

My earliest baby pictures suggest that I was not the cheeriest of babies, but perhaps I was content to be quiet in my own little world. As I got older and life happened to me, I learned that it did not serve me to be an emotional child. Either I was reprimanded for it, or I got too much attention for it. Neither result was what I wanted.

In general, I’m a serious person. I no longer take life as seriously as I used, which caused me a lot of worry and anxiety. However, I still prefer a philosophical and thought-provoking conversation over light-hearted jesting. Mostly, though, I dislike drama for the sake of it. Unfortunately, this cannot be said to be true for the one with whom I share my life.

One way that I have learned to control my emotional urges is through meditation. This, with some therapy, reading of personal growth/development books, and listening to advice in the form of podcasts or other people, has given me new perspectives on the effect of a dramatic or overly emotional response to things. The biggest takeaway being the negative impact that it has on my own state of being as well as its ripple effect onto others.

The challenge now is not how my emotions affect others, but how I am affected by theirs.

When we listened to Will Smith’s memoir/autobiography, we laughed at his self-proclaimed demand to get on the “Will Smith Train” at all costs. However, we also saw the cost with the downfall or derailing of this train on screens around the world. Often, M takes on this mentality to get on the “Matthew Footner Train” or else. I try to reign him in a bit by pulling the brakes to slow him down. It’s not that I want to hold him back, but I have my own train going at its own speed. I do not want to be pulled or dragged to a speed that does not suit me or my own priorities.

Lately, I have prioritizing my own writing pursuits and activities. At the same time, M has increased his focus on his projects. On the surface, all is good and balanced.

Underneath is the bubbling of the drama as he revs up his emotional outburst engines.

To write well, I need a calm mind. I need the space to be free to let my thoughts roam. Sometimes that means that I am reading a book or walking on the treadmill. Sometimes it looks as if I am doing nothing to those who do not understand how creativity works. There is rarely a time in which I am actually doing nothing, even when I watch TV I want to crochet or do something creative.

Therefore, it can be frustrating when the Drama Train tries to speed through. At times, the conductor of the train feels emboldened to suggest that what I am doing in the creative space is not important because it isn’t what HE is doing or because it doesn’t make the money that HIS does. Or, more commonly, that I am not responding or doing at the speed in which his train wants to go. The self-importance of the Drama Train is a dangerous blind spot that could derail if not careful.

Luckily, for all of us, I have the confidence and the ability to adapt or stop the drama altogether if need be. Sometimes, the ego balloon needs a little air let out of it so that equilibrium is restored for all. And, sometimes, it just means that a little time is spent apart with a short trip away here or a day out is spent there.

Also, now that I have a support system to help me focus my attention on the fiction writing, I feel stronger to ignore the ups and downs of the emotional tornado. It doesn’t mean that I don’t often vent my own emotions or jump on for a quick ride. However, I know that I can hop off it and redirect its tracks so that I can get my own goals met, which is a HUGE relief!

A Calling? A Purpose?

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 212025

In my post about goals/resolutions for this year, I said that I was about focus, stillness and simplifying. I also add – building. This year is about honing myself and my skills.

For years, I was an English language educator. It was a profession that I reluctantly embraced as a means to an end. The end being that it afforded me the luxury and salary to travel, which had, surprisingly, become a passion. I say surprisingly because, believe it or not, I had never intended to live or work outside of the USA when I was in high school. The thought of being away from family and out of my comfort zone was extremely frightening to me then. However, I got the travel bug and wanderlust took over my reason for breathing throughout most of my first career.

Then, I moved out of language education into yoga and meditation. Whenever I decide to do something, I always want to make sure that I am paper qualified as my traditionally-trained academic brain considers this a reasonable (and easy to me) way to let people know that I have some idea of what I’m talking about. Probably, my own cynical and skeptical brain wants to avoid the questions I challenge towards others – Why should I listen to you?.

Unfortunately, just as I was getting some traction in the yoga space, we moved countries and I returned to the language education field as it was easier to find stable work in it. I maintained my own practice and stayed up on the space, but remained dormant. Meanwhile, my desire to teach waned. I felt a burnout and disappointment of people who say they want to learn or improve themselves, yet don’t – through whatever excuses they create.

So, when we moved to Italy and began to settle in our home, I waved off any suggestions that I should teach yoga or meditation. Although I did a little teaching for friends in France during COVID, because it was something for all of us to do, I was not interested in giving out my energy in this way.

In fact, I felt like I just didn’t have the capacity or energy to spare for it.

However, I remembered the words quoted during my yoga teaching:

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

This quote is attributed to Buddha, Tao Te Ching or other philosophers. Whomever it was that said it, doesn’t matter to me. Mostly, I’m concerned with its accuracy.

When some friends suggested that I teach, I honestly (perhaps too much so, as is my tendency) replied that if they organized it, I would show up. Apparently, it sounded harsh. Perhaps, my tone was not as intended; or perhaps it was exactly as I preferred. Who knows?

Then, something happened.

I believe in the rule of three. If someone says something along the same vein as someone else and this occurs three times, I feel as if it should be taken to heart. Often, unfortunate events occur in threes – usually minor things that cause annoyances. Sometimes, the death of famous people run in threes as well. So, with this belief in my head, I got the third nudge that perhaps I should teach yoga and mindfulness.

To add even more emphasis, I decided to start a two-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification program as well, which requires me to do some teaching.

After my first yoga and breath workshop, feedback came with words of encouragement. Included in this was a statement that someone felt it was as if I was called or meant to be a teacher of this topic. Even if it is just one person saying it, I consider the words. As I contemplate whether or not to continue after the initial two months is up, I wonder if it is part of my purpose in life.

I am a beacon of light that shines as inspiration for others to ignite their own lights to guide others.

This is my purpose statement that I have refined lately. Whether or not I am “called” to be a teacher does not really concern me. Whether or not I am serving as a beacon of light for others to raise their vibrations and find their own sparks as a way of becoming their greatest selves, well, that matters to me.

So, I don’t know yet if all of this teaching will continue into March or April and beyond. If it does, I’ll be happy. If it doesn’t, I’ll be happy, too. We shall just see how my cup drains and fills through the experience, then assessment will follow.

Stay tuned!

Welcome Home…

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 062025

We are home at last. Despite our goals to stay put for a while, it’s not to be so steady until the end of February, but at least we are around the area and at home for longer periods. M should be actually at home more than me, which is good for both of us!

Since I am not one to leave unpacking or cleaning up until later, we spent the first afternoon dividing and conquering. Christmas decorations needed to be put away, suitcases unpacked, and, unfortunately, kitchen cleaned and reorganized, along with the mounds of laundry – not just from us but sheets and towels left by our guests.

While I cannot reasonably complain about the difference in cleanliness and houseguest standards, I feel this is a necessary vent since it is my space here to do whatever I want, right?!

We had two lots of guests over the Christmas and post-Christmas into the new year period. They took care of our pets in exchange for a free stay in our home. In general, we are pretty free-minded and open with our things for, after all, they are just things. However, I forget that my expectation that the house will be left as it was when they arrived – clean, objects in the same space, etc. – is always a set up for disappointment….

Now, I admit that I am rather stubborn, and possibly obsessive, about my organization and level of cleanliness. However, I am also very conscientious about other people’s possessions. I respect the fact that they had to work to get the money to buy the things they have. Therefore, I treat their things and space as I would my own. The difference is that people treat their own things at different levels than I, and this carries over in how they treat mine/ours. Furthermore, because I have a reason for why things are located where they are in my own home, I try to remember where I get items from in someone else’s house. Strangely, or not, this doesn’t seem to apply for others.

In the grand scheme of things, it is not important nor worth this much thought even in a blog post. Yet, I am a deep-thinker, philosopher, observer of society, and participant in this world. So, I cannot help myself from pondering on the theoretical and social norms, especially when I feel as if I am the only one who is then considered “abnormal”.

Is it a matter of respect? Is it a matter of just not being aware? Is it a lack of caring? What is it…?

I imagine that if I were to ask these people directly, I would get an answer something like We just felt so comfortable that we made it like our home. Or, You’re always so kind that we didn’t think it would matter. Or, You should have just told us. So sorry. While these would all be valid comments, they aren’t enough for me because I believe that it stems from something deeper.

Probably, I’m just pondering over nothing. Probably, it’s not that important. Probably, no harm no foul is the way to go. Probably.

Still, my point to anyone who reads this is that just because things aren’t important to you, being in someone else’s home isn’t about YOU. While you may be someone who doesn’t mind unpacking slowly over a week or some unknown period of time, or perhaps you don’t notice or mind a bit of unclean spaces, it is valuable to understand who your host is – especially if you’re friends and/or have visited multiple times before.

Truly, there is nothing more frustrating than having to spend hours cleaning and reorganizing along with days of laundry when returning from travels. It’s not important that the trip was one of luxury and relaxation. It IS important that this is not your home and would you really want to have to come home from traveling and spend days trying to get things back to how you would like it to be?

I think not probably, but rather definitely!

So, the next time you’re a guest in someone’s home. Leave it as clean, or even cleaner than when you arrived! Make sure you have enough time to do the sheets and towels before you leave (find a nearby laundromat if you have to!). Make sure that if you moved things around, you return it to where you found it (take a picture before you move it!). Theses are my wishes.

And, if you read this and are visiting me, take notes!

Changing Life Seasons

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 192024

It’s a cool 24 degrees (C) / 76F today and I’m loving it. It’ll return back up to the low 30s/high 80s tomorrow onwards, but the little reprieve from the heat is definitely doing this lady some good.

While I may sometimes casually wish for more traditional ways of life, especially when it comes to social normals, there are some aspects of the modern age that I feel are better. One of the improvements on a social level is the more open discussion and sharing about what happens to women as we age. For far too long the female gender has allowed the males to define, label, and treat us as crazy, all-in-the-head, weaker sex. Well, the tables are finally starting to turn, but it’s by no means balanced yet.

When I was younger, I learned about sex from being abused by adult male figures or from films or from books. By the time I reached the age for sex education at school, I was already informed. So, when I was the first amongst most in my age group to become sexually active, it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise. Not that it was right, but it was the way it was. My parents did their best to broach the subject with me, but it wasn’t necessarily a comfortable conversation with my friends let alone with adults.

Also, when my body matured and I needed feminine products, there wasn’t much of a discussion – it just became part of the shopping list. Later, when I lived abroad, I learned to navigate birth control and other matters on my own since check ups and doctors differed by the country. Still, very few of my female friends and I discussed our cycles or body issues.

These days, my peers and I are hitting the menopause phase of life and so there is a lot of confusion, questions, and bewilderment. Thankfully, more ladies who are already in this phase or out of it are starting to share about their experiences, learnings, and advice to help us out!

One of the common pieces of advice I have received is “just do HRT, it will make everything better”! While I’m definitely for making everything better, I’m not a fan of synthetic drugs unless absolutely necessary. Fortunately, I have people around who are like-minded and have given me some more natural options and literature to read up on what might be best.

My first place to start is through a book called It Must be My Hormones by Marion Gluck and Vicki Edgson. The combination of medical information, nutritional awareness, and the case studies is very helpful so far.

Based on this information and advice from someone, I’ve got a recommendation for a clinic that focuses on bio-identical hormone therapy in Rome. My next step will be to make an appointment there for next steps, so stay tuned as I update here on that when it happens.

In the meantime, I have become more and more aware of how little we know and understand in our youth about how poorly we treat our bodies with no concern about the longevity of them. Since we cannot see inside our bodies and never learn about how to use blood tests to regularly monitor our health, we abuse them without a thought. By the time we experience pain or discomfort, the damage is mostly done with either a significant amount of effort required to repair or an acceptance of the decline as the only solution.

I’ve been pretty lucky to have a healthy body inside and out most of my life. Although I do know a good amount about nutrition and health, I definitely have not always been fully aware of my body. These days, I have some aches and pains. My spine has been called old already at just 48 years old. This is despite doing yoga and eating relatively well. Some things you cannot do anything about.

Of course, I am getting physio for different parts of my back, posture, and such. I am eating even better – or trying. I take my vitamins that are organically/naturally sourced. I drink kombucha brewed at home. I have lions mane coffee with collagen and mushroom elixir. I have green juice filled with tons of vitamins and minerals.

Plus, I do yoga stretches, walk on the treadmill at least 20 minutes each day, and stay active-ish.

Seems like everything should be grand and yet, I still am not 100%. More like 95%, which is still good, but I notice that 5%.

This brings me back to the beginning. Heat is no longer my friend. Thankfully, I think my vitamins have helped curb my hot flushes a bit, the heat triggers an overheated devil in me. I’m definitely happiest these days with partially cloudy skies and a cool breeze. Now, I just need to find the perfect place to live in that kind of climate!

~ T

Kindness and Respect

Going Mental 1 Response »

Mar 112024

I’m in a bit of a post-travels slump. The weather isn’t helping as it is pouring rain as I type this now. It has been a little chilly, though not overly so, but the rain and thunderstorms and wind have not been inspiring.

Although it is likely to sound spoiled of me to complain about the weather after having been away on travels for three weeks, I am doing it anyway! We had thought that by now we would have escaped most of the bad weather as we are indeed “fair-weather” people. Apparently, this is the tail end of spring’s entrance and we are hoping for sunnier skies soon.

So, keeping with the doom and gloom theme – today’s post is about the use of words and tone.

There are any number of quotes or song lyrics about how words can be weapons. While some people use them freely without thought or care, others take so much time to consider each one before speaking or sharing. Somewhere in the middle, as is the case for most things in life, is the balance of expressing ourselves adequately yet with consideration on how they might be received.

In this day and age of being told that it is not for us to worry about how others respond to what we say or do, the need for taking responsibility in affecting the response has been shirked away as “not my problem”. However, imagine how just the simple tone of statements can be received in such different ways. Then, add on all the nuances of meanings behind words that vary person to person and see the complication of communication. So, why make it even harder or worse by being unkind from the beginning?

Kindness in heart. Kindness in intention. Kindness in gestures. Kindness in words.

This should be our starting point for all conversations. Follow this with the feeling of respect and I can guarantee that even the most contentious of discussions can be had without belittling, dismissing, or hurting the other person’s feelings or sense of identity.

It is really no wonder that our world is in a constant state of tension, anger, and frustration. Humans have lost the art of kindness and respect yet crave it to the point that it is commanded rather than demanded through presence and etiquette. These days, I feel very old or of another world. Social and personal standards are dropping, but if I express my lamentations of it I am seen as the odd-ball. So, I have started to withdraw from society and others.

Unfortunately, this is not working for me either. Now that we are back home and returning to our regular lives, I am finding that I need to adjust my strategy in building a lifestyle that is fulfilling. I’ve let myself carry on limiting beliefs; thus limiting my chances at experiences, friendships, and who knows what else.

Therefore, I am determined to break out of my self-created box. With my own words of kindness and respect, I hope that I can create a bit of sunshine in the rainy and stormy lives of others as well as my own.

Remembering My Rules

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 262024

Another week almost finished and it’s had some bumps, but overall I have no reason to complain – though I do. (I know…).

First, an update on Motion from last post. I decided to give it a try for the year. There are a few kinks that I don’t love about it, but they seem to be updating the program regularly. So, I’ll keep going on it and probably send them suggestions as I get used to it. I am still running my Todoist list alongside for now as I’m not quite ready to completely transfer over.

Anywho, last night, M convinced me to sit outside under the full moon by our outside fire pit with a lovely glass of Cotes du Rhone in my hand. I started out with a begrudging acquiescence to the activity. I had felt cold much of the day so being outside didn’t sound appealing. Plus, I was allowing my internal irritation with a house project to slowly bubble into a boiling flame. So, I had to take a deep breath when M compromised in helping me complete part of it and I realized it really wasn’t worth ruining an evening over. There isn’t necessarily a rush to get it done; it’s more the principle of the course of the project and external factors that are people-dependent that were the source of my angst over it.

This made me reflect.

In finding a piece of me again, I forgot that not everyone else has had self-growth spurts. Thus, my expectations and general guardedness of/with others both rose and lowered, respectively. Well, this is never a good thing in my experience. Keep expectations low and make room to be surprised. Keep guard up and have flexibility to lower it later. I know these rules of mine, but I had a lapse – as I am wont to do on occasion. This lapse created my own bumps this week.

Somehow M knows how to snap me out of these moments whether it is a conscience action or just an orchestration of Lady Universe to bring me back to reality. So, as we sat staring at the fire after he listened to my light rant, he reminded me – “Look at our lives, babe. We are very lucky.” To which I corrected because neither of us believe in “luck” when it comes to life, “We live luxuriously because we made it happen.” With a smile, we cheers-ed to that.

It was in that space of time when I shifted the wording and our clinking of glasses that I understood the creation of my own bumps this week. I expected too much. I let my guard down. I was giving over power and control of things to others when it is me/we who make things happen for us. We often lament to each other how we see or hear of other people who continue in their own ruts, blame others for their situations, or just simply shut down to any action or responsibility for their destinies. That’s just not us or me.

Now, I know a counterargument can be made that makes my statements seem pessimistic or fatalistic or some other negative connotation, but I would need a proper conversation on why one interprets them in a greyer light. In any case, I’m just acknowledging there is another side, but for me this week I am reminded of the more positive side to the “rules” I tend to live by.

So, in taking back my own power and returning to the rules of my life, I am feeling better.

The Chaos Pendulum

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 212023

Life is very good. People who do not know us or our history have told us that they can never imagine being able to live as we do. People who do not know us or our history think that what we have now was easy to obtain–for us. People who do not know us or our history think that I am a “princess” and M is a “saint”.

Let me emphasize, these are people who do not know us or our history.

Just six years ago, we arrived in Japan nearly penniless having borrowed money from M’s daughter to pay for our plane tickets out of the UAE with only a faint hope that starting over would be how we were going to rebuild our finances and our lives. Thanks to our dear friends and the blessings of the Universe, we were able to find a place to live, and survived on about 15USD a day. For a month, we made the best of it until M’s first paycheck. Slowly, we made progress–moving into a house, increasing our daily spending, I finally started working, and then little by little life became easier.

Then, the pandemic happened. We willingly and consciously decided to uproot ourselves and move continents–again.

Although we were not in the same position as when we arrived in Japan, we were not in the best of positions when we left. Still, life is short and we are eternal optimists (well, me less so than M ).

So, we arrived in Europe with a few more pennies in our pocket (and we paid for our own flights ), and smarter about how we went about our days. M’s business was taking off so much so that he could quit his other work. I was only working freelance, but for a lot less money. Still, we were on the upside again.

We moved to Italy and found our dream home. Feeling on top of the world, we agreed to a crazy plan to buy the house.

Then, the markets crashed.

Another year of stress came to us as we considered how to ensure we weren’t homeless and penniless–again. Yet, we made it through.

What people see now is the results of all of the above. Keep in mind that’s just the abbreviated version! The fact is that life is full of ups and downs. I consider my husband to be like a walking energy tornado who has a knack of creating chaos. Yet, somehow he makes magic with it. Plus, to give myself some credit, he has me to bring balance to the pendulum. I make sure the pendulum swings are not so extreme anymore–or at least, that is the goal.

The point is that no one’s life is easy no matter how it may look on the outside. Seeing a slice of the pie doesn’t mean that the other side is still intact or pretty. While we naturally will judge what we can see or want to see, I remind myself and us that we have no idea what’s on the inside of a person or a relationship or a situation. Also, the seemingly perfect can become less than so in a blink of eye so nothing should ever be taken for granted.

In any case, I am enjoying the upswing of the pendulum and am thankful every day that this is my life.

Synchronicity

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Mar 032023

Upon returning from Venice, we woke the next morning preparing for M to go to the UK for a week to see family and do some business activities. I was looking forward to a week of my own schedule, time, activities. We soon were signaled that things might not go quite as smoothly, when we realized there was no hot water and assumed it was a boiler problem since there had been work on it and we had had trouble before.

First thing was first, M headed to the airport and would coordinate on the way.

The plumber/boiler guy came early in response to M’s request, but said, “Boiler is fine. You are out of gas.”

Oops!

The gas guy said he wouldn’t be able to arrive until Tuesday – it was Monday, but fine. I could wait to have a shower until Tuesday afternoon and I don’t particularly care about cooking anyway – all I need is a microwave and kettle most of the time, especially when I’m on my own.

Tuesday morning, I felt good. I was getting into my own groove. I ran some errands in the morning expecting the gas guy to come around noon and I had a call at 5pm, before which I wanted to get some work done, walk the dogs, and then I could enjoy a relaxing evening with a hot bath.

Gas guy didn’t arrive until later in the afternoon, work took longer than usual so I was delayed walking the dogs, 5pm call got cancelled around 4pm. So, with everything finally done by 4:30 and faced with an extra hour to luxuriate sooner in a hot bath, I decided to just take the pups for a little walk in the fields and hills nearby rather than get in the car and drive down to the riverside paths 20 minutes, each way.

All of these little events and decisions led up to the moment when all other plans were thwarted for the hereafter.

While I do not sit – rather lay – blaming any one event nor lament “if this or that had or hadn’t happened, then…”, it is interesting to ponder how a series of actions can culminate at a particular moment. I’ve long been fascinated by stories like Magnolia, Crash – both film and series, and the like that point out how our lives intersect and events can have ripple effects on ourselves and others.

What if I had been on the call instead? I wouldn’t have fallen.

What if I had not been lazy in taking the dogs down to the river for a walk – I mean, I had the time? I wouldn’t have fallen.

What if we had not run out of gas, or the gas guy had arrived earlier, or I had not had focused on work for so long, etc. etc.? I wouldn’t have fallen.

But, I did fall.

So, rather than lament, I ponder. I wonder what the learning is in this new “plan” for my days and future few months. I wonder if the learning is solely for me. Or, if the learning is for M at my expense, as I sometimes have felt about other things gone wrong for me in my/our life. Or, as my dad said, “Sometimes sh*t just happens!”

In any case, it doesn’t matter really. I mean, I am learning about patience, regaining appreciation for the discipline of meditation, M’s capacity to be a caregiver, my capacity to be a receiver of care, the capacity of my friends (near and far) to care and express compassion, etc. etc. Much is being observed and processed. I’ve got lots of time to do so.

At least, I still have my fingers to type and my laptop to get some words out. My writing by hand is lagging, but when I can sit up again, I’ll get back to it. For now, I’m adapting. I’m accepting. I’m acknowledging the limits of what I can vs what I want to do.

One day, I’ll see how all of this does have meaning even if there is no obvious cause – synchronicity.

Bucket Lists

Going Mental 1 Response »

Feb 232023

Since our trip to Venice, I have been pondering the idea of “bucket lists” and contemplating the reason I don’t have one – or so I think.

For a while, it was all the rage to have a bucket list and people would do something on their list, share it, and feel satisfied that they could tick something off their list. Sadly, the desire to tick/check it off the list became more important than enjoying the experience that might have been the real reason someone wanted to do that thing in the first place. These days, it’s as if we are just collecting stars like on a childhood sticker chart for having done something rather than feeling content with living in the moment. I’m sure this is a blanket statement and many people may not behave this way, but you get what I mean.

For me, I always felt the idea of a bucket list to be just another way for most people to lament about how they haven’t done the things they’ve wanted in their lives. So, instead of seeing it as a “want to do” list, I see it as a “wish I could” list. To a language nerd, these do not hold the same meaning.

A “want to do” is with a plan that leaves room for error, but it will get done.

A “wish I could” is an idea that leaves room for excuses, sighs, lamentations, and belief that they can/will not happen.

These terms could be argued, but the main point is that I do not see life as a list of things I wish I could do. I see it as a plan to do the things I want.

So, if I want to see China, I have a plan to do it. I’m not going to wait until “someday”, but I do have a real plan in the next few years to get on a tour and see it. In contrast, I can be heard saying I wish I could skydive. While I know that it is fully within my capability to go find a way to jump out of an airplane and scream into the vast atmosphere until a parachute (hopefully) opens up to quiet the space around me as I float, I know that I will not actually do this – or at least the probability is less than 50%. First, the wish is not strong enough to make it happen; and well, I’ve got a lot of other things I want to do so that it is not a priority. That’s not say I wouldn’t do it if the chance presented itself easily, though.

Also, I see a bucket list as a bit morbid. People always use it in phrases like, “I want to tick this off my bucket list before I die.” Death is always connected with it. It’s the same idea as “I’ll do that when I retire.”

Although I fully appreciate that people have limits financially, time-wise, work-wise, or family and social obligations, I do not believe that we must wait until a so-called “perfect” situation arises to make the things we really want happen. It’s true that some things take time to save up money, to rearrange schedules, to prepare others if we are away. However, nothing but our egos and fears stop us from taking the steps required to do the things that we want.

As my life mantra is “NO is just a suggestion to find another way to YES”, I live without worry about how or when I can do the things I want.

Still, I have moments of doubt when my “little B with an itch” voice threatens to convince me that I’m just fooling myself or that I’m in some sort of alternate reality where life is some kind of fantasy. I suppose all that might be true.

However, I choose to make lists of action not ones of sitting and wistfully sighing about someday ticking something off a my bucket list…. I believe everyone can and should do this too!

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