March – Creative Meanderings

Basking in Spring

Mar 252025

Spring has sprung. The sun is shining with a blue sky that holds big puffy clouds as they float above. Birds of unknown varieties and quantities sing their songs as some, like the swallows, nestle into their homes making room for the coming babies. The lizards and bugs have also come out to play. The brown is turning to green or pockets of color while buds give a hint of more to come.

It’s a beautiful time of year.

For me, it’s the sun. I move myself out into the light to type, write, read, or do just about anything under the warming rays. It’s this period before the heat becomes unbearable, but after the chill has left the air. The cool mornings and nights burn off into comfortable t-shirt (or sports bra only) temperatures. This is perfection.

Also, aside from the sounds of nature – which is never “quiet” despite what people try to romantically tell you, it is peaceful. It is quiet from most modern noises, though I can hear the cars go by or an occasional hunk of metal will fly overhead. Still, there are no people sounds. No energy shifts disrupting my calm or keeping me on edge are present. I can bask in the tranquility of stability.

I was bordering on a proper explosion of frustration. It’s not from a lack of love. It’s just from a lack of peace. My nervous system felt frayed. Today, I feel the beginnings of refreshment and rejuvenation.

While I don’t always consider myself as more self aware than others, it is in moments like this when I wonder how people survive if they aren’t aware of their energetic needs, or the impact of others on them. Then, I realize the state of stress and anxiety in the world. The number of unhappy people. Those who take their lives to escape. Or, even the societal trend to hide away in the online world and avoiding soaking up all that nature has to offer. When you are constantly surrounded by the makings of man and do not have the chance to escape into the truly real world, it must be depressing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We all know I am NOT a lover of nature. You are not going to catch me droning on about wanting to head off on a hike or talk about the million different types of flowers or tell you I’m off to work in my garden. That is still not me – at all. However, there is enough joy to be found in sitting in stillness or in quiet while nature moves around me. I’m content to absorb the goodness.

So, here I sit with my man-made computer writing but listening, smelling, seeing, and feeling all that nature has to offer.

On the Edge…

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 202025

The other day, I messaged with a writing adoptee friend as part of our regular check-ins with each other. She replied back that my list of goals and activities for the next two weeks made her exhausted reading it, to which I laughed. For me, it didn’t feel like much.

When one lives with a high-octane, super-charged speeding bullet train partner, anything else that anyone who is not him does may be considered as “not much”. While this can be very motivating to stay productive and active, it also has its downsides when it comes to more personal matters — especially for an introvert who needs time to process, recharge, and take action. There are times when the one-tracked fast train feels the need to play chicken with the multiple-stop slow-paced one.

It is in the game that I struggle. I dislike being pushed. I hate being made to feel stupid, wrong, or disrespected for my method, my way of thinking, my way of behaving. Furthermore, I feel hurt when things I share about myself are immediately turned against me in a joke, and then told that it is “what we do” when we banter.

We do banter. We don’t use the same tactics.

When the game is presented on his terms, there is no doubt as to who the victor will be — exactly as he wants it. It’s a power game.

Unfortunately, the power game also includes presenting himself as a victim so that it seems that I am the one not playing fairly, not playing according to his rules, not playing correctly. In the victim role, he claims I take things out of context. He suggests I am overly sensitive. He laments that he cannot say anything, we cannot discuss anything, or I get upset. He claims his reactions are my reactions because he only wants to see them in me.

Never in this “game” is it suggested that HE has a role as well or that HE is the contributor to and source of the response.

So, I find myself tired. I find myself a little depressed. I find myself on the edge.

I know it is not a malicious pattern. I understand that the best course of action is to “let him” be the way he wants or needs to be and focus on my own reaction, well-being, etc. I am trying to focus on all of the positive and healthy ways of responding. However, it is not an easy task.

There’s a concern that one day we will find ourselves like I see my parents sometimes. Neither speak of their inner thoughts and feelings to the other. Both lonely in their souls as they live with the one to whom they’ve committed their souls whilst in this life cycle. Together, they are great administratively. It’s a safe space for them. Separately, they both crave connection in the heart. So, it is with this in mind that I try to maintain awareness and conscientiously react so as not to pave a worn path in this behavior. Yet, patterns seem to repeat against my will.

Do I just not engage at all? How does that, then, play out?

Do I engage with caution? Does it, then, seem as if I am playing a power game against my wish?

You can see how this is a complicated road to take.

So, for now, we avoid the unspoken. Naively, we probably both hope that it is just a phase that will pass and we will be able to tell each other everything about anything, behave as we always have, and bygones will be bygones.

At the moment, though, I crave growth and change in a positive, upward and forward direction. Fingers crossed, we will head that way together.

Still Catching Up

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 142025

The week has flown by. I suppose not arriving home until Monday helps with that, but also it’s been a flurry of catching up on things. Now that it is Friday, I feel as if I’m approaching being caught up even though my body is not sure.

Physically, I’m a bit out of whack. My hips are misaligned causing some problems with my back, which also affects my neck and shoulders. My sciatica problem is flared due to the extra travel. I’ve had two sessions with my physio/bodywork guy and it’s helped massively. He’s given me some light exercises and encouraged me to restart my yoga practice gently. So, I am going to focus on that more this weekend into the next week until I see him again. The amount of pain the sciatic nerve causes is something else. I do not wish that or chronic pain on anyone. What a drag!

Also, my weight is a downer at the moment thanks to eating too much and travel. So, this is a definite focus for me as I refuse to gain more weight! I already have concerns about my fibroids and hormones that I cannot also let my weight go now….

Mentally, I’m good, I think. But, the weather has been very spring-like with bouts of rain and glimpses of sunshine which affect my mood. I’m trying to stay on the positive side, though, knowing that the sunny weather will be here soon enough. I mean, the pool guys are coming on Monday to remove the cover and get it ready for the season, so I cannot complain, right?!

Spiritually, I feel pretty great, actually. Life is very good.

In other aspects of life, I’m finally caught up with my writing progress and the PocketMFA course. I am waaaay behind on the start of my Mindfulness Meditation teaching course, but that is going to wait until at least the end of next week. However, I will make sure to add it to my todo list regularly so that it doesn’t get neglected. I’m glad that they do a slow start as I also need to back into the habit of meditating regularly.

So, with that, I’m happy it is Friday with a nice easy weekend ahead! TGIF, right?!

Family Time

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 092025

Family. Such a loaded and complicated word. So much is wrapped up in this two-syllable (or three if you enunciate it fully) word.

When you’re an adopted person, this word has even more implications and nuances. We are told that we are lucky because our family “chose” us. Or, as in my case, I feel privileged to have a family that I call mine.

Still, the subtle subtexts of my relationship with and to this family are shadowed in the reality of my having created a very full life away from them. One of my main explanations is that I never quite felt that I fit in to the family, or the USA, so that becoming an expat felt natural – why not actually be a foreigner when you already feel like one?

Yet, I remember many years ago one of my cousins said to me in a strange moment, “When you make it big, don’t forget your family.” First, who knew that I was going to make it BIG? Second, why would I forget my family? Now, those words have a touch of foreshadowing in them. I haven’t made it “big” per se, but in the words of that very same cousin this past week, I have made a good life for myself.

This is true.

Also, I have not forgotten my family.

I only have two uncles — one on each side of my parents. One is an in-law and the other, my father’s brother. Both have always treated me as family with great kindness, attention, and I believe, love. A few weeks ago now, one of them left us behind on our walk through this life. Everyone around him feels his loss, especially his brother – my father.

Both of my parents hold my heart together, in different ways, of course. My mother keeps my heart strong and practical. My father keeps it firm yet fragile. So, when he cried in his grief my heart cracked while her strength kept it from breaking.

With this sight on the other side of my screen, I determined that I needed to go home and see the family.

That side of the family is complicated, messy, and fractured in the most dysfunctional of ways. I mean, really, whose family isn’t when you peel away the layers? Yet, I always have made an effort to see my aunts and uncle when I visit home in Oregon. My cousins and I have kept a thin thread going over the years, but I think it is safe to say that we all sort of believed our parents and siblings were still long with us. In essence, we got complacent taking each other for granted.

Then, two members of the family passed away in a short period. Suddenly, we are faced with mortality and re-evaluating what is important.

Family.

So, during this visit, I got to see the cousins. I visited with my aunts. I also spent quality time with my parents. Time is limited on this earth, and as we do not know how much time we have left with one another, it seems silly to waste even a moment on the complications, the disagreements, the judgements. For me, once I call you family, there is nothing that can take that title away. Although I missed the deaths of my grandparents, they visited me in my dreams to say good-bye. Even still, I felt sad that I wasn’t old enough, or rather mature enough, to hold them in better esteem to have prioritized time with them and upon their passing.

Thankfully, time teaches us and we grow (sometimes).

While making a return trip to the States was not an ideal, I am so so thankful that we had the time and means to make sure I could do it. The time spent this past week with family has been more than meaningful, but impactful of the fullest kind.

So, hold on tightly to those whom you call family – whether or not they are related by blood. They may not be there tomorrow, so make the most of today.

Happy Easter 2024

Going Mental 1 Response »

Mar 292024

Well, I have been a little delinquent here. There’s no real reason other than being busy with a visit to France and spring fever distractions – more happening to me rather than by me.

So, this is a just a brief Hello to check in and wish any readers here a very Happy Easter! Will write again soon, I promise.

Moody

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 182024

The mood swings are real today and it’s not yet 10 am. I didn’t post on Friday either because I couldn’t quite figure out what to write about or how to formulate my thoughts. So, this may just be a random post of ups and downs, ins and outs.

A friend is going in to surgery today for his prostate. Yesterday, we saw another friend who just had prostate surgery and is still recovering even after a month.

Although I was in for a very different reason, I find myself heavily empathizing with these folks who have to spend any time in a hospital, worry about surgery, and cope with recovery. It’s been just over a year now since I had my ankle drama and yet I still suffer from stiffness and a little fear of breaking it again. I can remember the days in the hospital, the near tears over the thought of another hospital meal, and the creeping despair that one day I might die alone in a room with no one knowing. Of course, the latter sounds overly dramatic, but the thoughts do run the gambit when stuck in unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and unsatisfying circumstances.

In any case, some of my thoughts and energies are going towards them in hopes of swiftness and ease.

Then, there is the grey of today. The weekend was actually quite lovely with sun shining and warmth in the air. Yet, I still had little clouds lingering over me. One reason was the need to get out and away from the house.

Lately, M has been content to potter around the garden, planting vegetables and flowers, mowing the lawn and doing all things domestic outside. He did get me to plant a few things in pots that we moved around the patio, so that was my brief outdoor activity. However, I also pushed for getting into town for garden center shopping on Saturday and lunch in town on Sunday. We took the pups in for lunch for the first time in almost a year and they were little stars – no major barking or even pulling on the leads. Phew was that a relief!

Another reason was lasting triggers from childhood. My dad always wanted me to be outside. If it was sunny, it was expected that I would want to be outside. Yet, I never really did. I mean, I love the sunshine and being warm, but in the spring when it seems most get the fever, I just want to hide indoors. My nose itches, my eyes water, and so being out on a “beautiful spring day” equals misery unless it is in town with a cup of coffee or over a delicious meal – ha!

Of course, I shouldn’t let these things cast shadows. I am an adult now fully in control of my own actions and moods. Still, the mind is a mysterious control center that can surreptitiously push the spirit off balance. Then, before we are aware, our moods have fallen into a valley with only one way out – through it.

So, that is perhaps where I am. Fortunately, I have plenty to distract myself with in terms of work and other activities. I have managed to find some outlets for myself to get involved in, but more on that later.

With that, I feel better now. Thanks for reading me through the process!

Until next time,

Kindness and Respect

Going Mental 1 Response »

Mar 112024

I’m in a bit of a post-travels slump. The weather isn’t helping as it is pouring rain as I type this now. It has been a little chilly, though not overly so, but the rain and thunderstorms and wind have not been inspiring.

Although it is likely to sound spoiled of me to complain about the weather after having been away on travels for three weeks, I am doing it anyway! We had thought that by now we would have escaped most of the bad weather as we are indeed “fair-weather” people. Apparently, this is the tail end of spring’s entrance and we are hoping for sunnier skies soon.

So, keeping with the doom and gloom theme – today’s post is about the use of words and tone.

There are any number of quotes or song lyrics about how words can be weapons. While some people use them freely without thought or care, others take so much time to consider each one before speaking or sharing. Somewhere in the middle, as is the case for most things in life, is the balance of expressing ourselves adequately yet with consideration on how they might be received.

In this day and age of being told that it is not for us to worry about how others respond to what we say or do, the need for taking responsibility in affecting the response has been shirked away as “not my problem”. However, imagine how just the simple tone of statements can be received in such different ways. Then, add on all the nuances of meanings behind words that vary person to person and see the complication of communication. So, why make it even harder or worse by being unkind from the beginning?

Kindness in heart. Kindness in intention. Kindness in gestures. Kindness in words.

This should be our starting point for all conversations. Follow this with the feeling of respect and I can guarantee that even the most contentious of discussions can be had without belittling, dismissing, or hurting the other person’s feelings or sense of identity.

It is really no wonder that our world is in a constant state of tension, anger, and frustration. Humans have lost the art of kindness and respect yet crave it to the point that it is commanded rather than demanded through presence and etiquette. These days, I feel very old or of another world. Social and personal standards are dropping, but if I express my lamentations of it I am seen as the odd-ball. So, I have started to withdraw from society and others.

Unfortunately, this is not working for me either. Now that we are back home and returning to our regular lives, I am finding that I need to adjust my strategy in building a lifestyle that is fulfilling. I’ve let myself carry on limiting beliefs; thus limiting my chances at experiences, friendships, and who knows what else.

Therefore, I am determined to break out of my self-created box. With my own words of kindness and respect, I hope that I can create a bit of sunshine in the rainy and stormy lives of others as well as my own.

Remaining Australia and Home

Meanderings Abroad 2 Responses »

Mar 082024

Well, the remaining six days of Australia were full of more adventure. I’ll try to do a short sum up here and then later prepare another post on the whole trip.

Adelaide
We were mostly here to see P!NK in concert. During the planning of our trip, we knew that we wanted to see the city, if for no other reason than it is the capital of South Australia and we were about seeing the highlights of the country. So, we adjusted our route to hit the concert.

The concert was great! Funnily enough, though, that wasn’t the real highlight of the trip! While we were on the Uluru and Kata Tjuta tour, we had a chat with some other ladies in the group over dinner. They mentioned seeing koalas in the “wild” on a hike outside of town. Well, that decided it for us.

After seeing six in various stages of sleep or walking, we were content with our visit to the south. There was other wildlife as well to make it fun. We also did a wine tour in the Barossa Valley on one of the days along with meeting an old friend of M’s from his hometown. So, it was an excellent stop that might have been just mediocre.

Cairns
What is a tour of Australia without a visit to the Cairns? It’s the more common place to go to see the Great Barrier Reef. While the town itself is a little run down, no thanks to COVID, it has the usual beachside charm expected of such places.

Of course, it did not disappoint with sea life views and sea sickness! I’m very glad that we did the snorkel boat tour, though I fully appreciated land again upon our return.

Sydney
Our trip ended back in Sydney where we did a bit of shopping and relaxing before our long journey home.

Oh yeah, and I added to my tattoo with a little commemoration of our trip.

So, we are now home. It’s a bit of recovery mode around here, but it was an amazing time and now it is nice to be home again.

Ankle Recovery: Week Two @Home

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 232023

As someone who likes consistency, it has been an interesting process to accept that each day is different from the one before. Some days I awaken with a lot of energy and focus while others I find myself extra tired and unmotivated to do much. However, this week I did decide to create a kind of schedule for myself to tentatively follow each day to start to rebuild my stamina and productivity levels as I am about halfway through my non-weight-bearing period of post-surgery recovery.

When friends heard of my situation, many have advocated the intake of protein and collagen to help the healing process. In the sunnier seasons, I have been a big fan of smoothies as a way of increasing my protein intake since we try not to eat too much red meat these days. As part of the smoothie ingredients, I do usually add in plant-based protein powder, green juice powder, collagen, homemade peanut butter, fruit, banana, yogurt, and other goodies as I find them. I’ve started adding in some orange juice to ensure my vitamin C intake is good and then include coconut water for the extra electrolytes. All blended into a delicious concoction that I hope is contributing to my overall health and now healing process.

This week, I did get myself out to a cafe on the day of my physiotherapy session. It wasn’t the most comfortable to sit with my leg on a chair, but it felt good to do something “normal” out of the house. Also, this evening, we are looking forward to having some friends over for the first visit of the spring and since my return home. So, I am very much looking forward to that.

Our fingers are crossed for my doctor’s visit tomorrow in that they will hopefully start removing stitches and staples as everything feels like it is closing up – though I haven’t checked as I’m not brave enough to take off the bandages at home. If that all goes well, then…we should be able to get the go-ahead to spend a few days in France where we want to get our rental apartment there set up for visits and visitors/guests who might want to use it since holiday season is fast-approaching.

So, little by little, life is slowly returning to a more hopeful normal. We are starting to make plans again for socializing, entertaining, and activities especially with the weather improving. I am fairly confident that once I can put some weight back on the leg, the road to full recovery will be smooth. Here’s hoping!

Happy Spring Equinox 2023

Going Mental No Responses »

Mar 212023

For many years, I had no real interest in the cycles of the seasons. When Japanese people and Japanophiles would say “I love that Japan has four seasons”, I would roll my eyes with disdain at such a cliché and trivial statement.

With the forced time to sit still with my thoughts, I have discovered that perhaps I was being a bit too dismissive, or dare I say immature and arrogant , about what these people may have meant in their words. To be fair, I may be attributing too much credit to them now in my moment of softness.

Still, today, during my brief meditation (trying to build myself back into the routine of it), I listened to the birds singing, our pups squealing and barking as they ran in the playground of our woodlands, and felt the warmth of the spring sun warm my face as I centered on my breath and the healing of my ankle. In the listening, I heard a whisper of appreciation in the consistency of the seasons.

Often, I can control my pain tolerance by impressing upon my mind that all things are temporary. Pain cannot last forever if we maintain a strong and healthy body. Illnesses come and go. Even people can be passing through our lives. In accepting the fleeting reality of life, we learn to appreciate the current moment. This is one of the main teachings of mindfulness meditation. It is also somehow one of the most difficult concepts to embrace with regularity and efficacy.

It was in this awareness of the coming of spring that I acknowledged the passing of winter. The past two days were chilly and grey, which affected my mood. Being aware of its effect, I did my best to stay upbeat, but it was difficult. Luckily, I could hide away in my room, take naps and escape with my crime TV shows. Then, today, the sun returned lifting my mood in celebration for the Spring Equinox.

In Japan, today is a national holiday. It is one of the few countries that celebrates “nature” as a reason to break up the regular routine of life. While other places might have a period of spring fairs or celebrations, they are not days off.

So, perhaps there is something to appreciating four distinct seasons. Or, perhaps, the main point is to appreciate that somewhere like Japan takes time to notice and celebrate them. Most importantly, though, we can learn to appreciate, notice, and celebrate as individuals no matter where we are.

Therefore, today, I feel positive with warmth as the spring season begins.

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