mental health – Creative Meanderings

Life is…

Jul 262024

Life is complicated and a roller coaster at times. Is it this way for everyone, or do other people have stable mental states and day-to-days? Would I want that even if I could? – Probably not.

Nothing is wrong, per se. All is well physically, financially, etc. Yet, my mental state is jumbled.

I’m a combination of bored and lonely, more with a sense of isolation than being on my own or without friends. I lack intellectual stimulation and outlets. Sure, I would say a lot of this is of my own creation due to being introverted or less tolerant of people. However, some of it is also just not having enough to engage my mind on a daily basis.

This is proven in the fact that I’ve read three books in a week. I also have two Italian books, and three more books on the go from audio, digital and paper. On top of that, I write blog posts, poems daily, and a smattering here and there. So, it’s not a lack of input or activity, just that it’s not enough overall.

There’s a vibe that comes from life in a city. Even if I don’t engage with other people directly, I can thrive on the energy of others in the space of a cafe, a shop, the streets. In the countryside, I hide from the heat, the bugs, the allergies, the sounds of the country. It’s just harder for me to find my place, which I’m sure may seem crazy to many.

So, I’ve been working toward changing that. I recently returned to doing pottery and think I can do that regularly again, which makes me SUPER happy. I’ve also joined an online book club and decided to do a training course that will last two years starting in February. Plus, we’ve got trips planned and other activities coming up soon. It’s all on a positive trajectory.

I think I had no idea how hard it would hit me having to sit around doing little in the midst of one of the hottest summers (Julys) in Italy on my own whilst the final stage of my ankle healing happened. I thought it would be easy to endure a few weeks, but I was wrong.

Not being able to jump in cooling waters or shower properly or sleep comfortably definitely takes a toll. Sitting in a cool, dark room many days in a row is not conducive to bright and happy mental health.

The impact of these past few weeks is hitting its peak now. M and I are arguing over things. He thinks I’m just unhappy with life; thus, him. I think he’s being self-centered as my mood has nothing to do with him. We argue, yet nothing positive changes. So, we argue again. It’s just a passing moment, I know.

What I don’t know is how long it will last. I have no idea if I will soon be in a better mood or if it’s a matter of waiting for the season to change. So, while I/we suffer through the unknown, I shall read more books, write, and take it one day at a time.

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Rising Temperatures; Cooling Minds

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 152024

I love this picture so much. It represents the sense of melting that I feel in these really hot and humid days where I feel as if my skin is burning off even in the shade after just 5 minutes outside. It also shows my avatar relaxed and accepting the situation, which is how I feel in my current state as I begin to let go of recent stress and angst. It’s a good image.

It’s 37 degrees Celsius or 98 degrees Fahrenheit as I write this. That’s hot. 🥵

When I was younger, even just a couple of years ago, I chased the sun ☀️ wanting to soak up all the rays to darken a tan, absorb all the Vitamin D I could, and in general, enjoy what a sunny day offers: poolside, cocktails, reading, relaxing.

Since menopause set in and the heat feeling like a furnace 🔥, I find myself less inclined to rush outdoors. Plus, there’s the bugs 🦟😬.

On top of that, we are having pool construction done so there’s nowhere to cool off even if I did convince myself to go outdoors.

Unfortunately, my already likely VitD-deficient self also does not necessarily do well indoors all day every day. So, as I’m in ankle recovery – which is going very well, in case you were wondering, I have been trying to adjust my schedule to remedy this a bit. Also, M is away for a few days and the pups have gone to the kennel giving me quite a bit of freedom to breathe. 🧘🏽‍♀️

The mornings are still cool enough to sit outside for an hour or two, if I get up and moving before 9 am. The evenings are definitely not for sitting outdoors for me just now, but once the sun has gone down, it is cooler to get the watering done for the plants before I flee any mozzie attacks. While this is not the most ideal for getting some sun exposure in, it is working for now.

Mostly, the freedom to move at my own pace, on my own time, in my own way is the key. 😁🎉

Sometimes a little alone time is all one needs to cool down in times of rising temperatures – both physically and mentally. ❤️

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

When a Soul Leaves…

Going Mental No Responses »

Dec 152022

I knew nothing about this person other than what I saw on TV when he was part of The Ellen Show or from his social media account dancing with his wife and family showing nothing but smiles on their faces. As many posts online state, one never truly knows what is going on the inside of someone’s mind and heart.

So, it is with sadness that I read/discovered that this person I recognized as “tWitch” had taken his own life leaving behind his wife and three children.

Many questions come to mind as I put on my true crime/mystery detective hat wondering if they had had a fight, what could have triggered him being in a hotel/motel rather than his home, why have a gun at all – though of course it is LA, how did he come to the final decision to pull the trigger as the better choice than being with his family?

I place no blame or judgement upon him or his decision. As I said, I knew nothing about him.

For many my age, for whatever reason, Mr. Boss’s suicide hits differently upon us. He was a quiet, smiling, seemingly positive energy in the shadows of the limelight. Since he was not really in center stage much, he was someone that provided a kind of touch-ability to the layperson for someone in the LA Hollywood scene, I suppose.

It is interesting to me how many are mourning online with the same statements of “you never know what is going on with someone” and then posting about suicide awareness. Of course, I am doing the same here. That’s not what is interesting. It’s that we are all suddenly inclined to do so because of someone very much unknown to us. Yet, I wonder, how often have people shared, or would share, the same kind of post about someone they actually know and tried to raise awareness of mental health and suicide prevention?

We are often overcome with a sense of loneliness in this world. Social media does not help us to feel less isolated, but rather can highlight just the opposite. Although we might be amongst loved ones, no one can fill a sense of void, sadness, frustration, depression, anxiety, etc. that can arise in us. While it helps to have an open ear, comforting shoulder, or offers of support, the fact is they are often proffered without substance or expectation to be taken up on. Many times, people just spew out words they think are desired to be sputtered in the hopes that they seem/sound caring, concerned, and present. Granted, there are a handful that are truly going to be there if they say they are; however, even the most optimistic of us knows the cynical, realistic truth that this is rare.

So, I write this in a personal sadness that even someone so seen in the world can still have felt so alone that the only way to cope with whatever he was going through was by leaving this world …. ❤️

OR, be that rare person someone can count on when needing help.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Oversaturation

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Oct 132022

One of my favorite items to use in analogies is the sponge. It works on many levels – kids at about age eight are little sponges soaking up everything new with curiosity; pain can be absorbed like a sponge, but it doesn’t mean that it has left the body until you squeeze it out, but there will always be a little bit left; and, when we are oversaturated with something it is like a sponge that can no longer absorb any more liquid.

While I am very proud of the platform space that I envisioned and partnered with my lifelong adoptee friend to build in what it is now – The Universal Asian – I became oversaturated; and despite nearly four months being 95% away from it, I still find it doesn’t take much before my absorption capacity is full again.

There are plans for a leadership shift and the space will surely transform into its next version under the new leadership. I feel good about this move knowing that I will still get to benefit from its future success.

In the midst of my excitement to be a bit more free from the space, I eagerly brainstormed and put into motion the building of a writing program under the TUA umbrella. There has been some interest already and I am about 90% ready to start advertising, taking money (this time, my efforts will be paid for), and putting things into place. However, despite my keenness to get things going by this month, or at the latest, in November, I drug my feet.

Upon some reflection and reviewing of my actions, I realized that I am just not yet ready to dive back into regular contact with fellow adoptees and Asian-Americans. I’m not yet ready to be confronted with the struggles, anxieties, stresses, angsts, and all the other bits that have surrounded the uplifting of the Asian voice. It is most definitely NOT that I feel they shouldn’t be shared, expressed, and made public so that others can better understand the state of the Asian-American and adoptee psyche. It IS most definitely that I feel myself absorbing all of those energies to the point that I lose myself and become oversaturated by energies that are not mine.

So, I have compromised with pushing the start date to the new year. In the meantime, I will advertise and do the admin work to get people registered, paid, and ready to go with excitement as the new year begins. It also gives me more time and something to look forward to as I know that once I am in it, I will be loving it.

In the same vein, I recently had a really nice chat with a fellow adoptee. She’s a domestic US adoptee who is having her own awakening of her experience as an adoptee and in reunion. Thanks to her awakening, she has a fire kindling up to provide more education/information about the adoption system and how it affects everyone involved, but while keeping the adoptee as the central importance. I think it is a beautiful initiative and will do my best to support her.

Still, I found myself post-conversation wondering if my gut reflective reaction was because of my current precarious position of not wanting to absorb too much or because of already having absorbed too much. I realized that I had to talk myself out of an urge to step away from everything also related to adoption, even though I had already offered to help proofread, which I would do anyway as that’s my thing!

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it’s just me reminding myself to be aware and be careful. I’m in charge of myself, my emotions, my well-being. So, with that, watch this space for me to see if I can avoid reaching the point of oversaturation.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Just a Dip…

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jun 142022

There can be such loneliness in togetherness. I imagine that those couples who decide to get divorced after 20+ years together best understand this sentiment. When there is no one and nothing left to justify the lack of communication, lack of interest in trying to be heard, lack of trying to be a unit, then it seems logical that one might prefer to be on their own and, possibly, reopen the door for someone else to fit into the space of companionship. For, at the end of the day, it’s not just about fulfilling physical needs that keeps a couple together after the initial newness in animalistic satisfaction wears off.

Despite my own partner’s claims that men are easily contented if their sexual urges are satisfied, and the need for intellectual stimulation is less important, I argue that this is a naive and overly simplistic way of defining what it means to be a life partner.

Obviously, this is a generalization on his part because intellectual stimulation is a do or die requirement for both of us.

Still, the way that we go about making an effort with one another can often feel unsatisfying from my perspective. As one approaching menopause, sex is of less frequent interest and a desire to be seen, heard and appreciated is on the increase. Thus, my intellectual stimulation threshold is much higher, but I have recently felt that has gone unnoticed, unacknowledged, and most definitely unaddressed.

Perhaps, it is more about the isolated lifestyle that we have undertaken than about our relationship. After all, we are indeed very much in love and have a generally enviable partnership (so don’t fret!). Still, I often feel isolated and alone.

There is no one to whom I can complain about our financial situation, his decision-making as it affects me/us, or the general challenge of being with someone whose work is a constant roller coaster. Actually, to be fair, there are people with whom I can share, but no one really wants or needs to hear my complaints as it can sound spoiled or too “first-world” problem-y to be taken seriously.

Thus, I am alone in my thoughts and angst much of the time.

One might wonder why or how I can be this way, but that’s not really the point, is it? It is how I feel. It is my reality. Ultimately, it is also up to me to sort it out, cope, and get to the other side.

Still, it doesn’t make it easier nor less isolating.

So, I am sliding into this dip in my mood and taking the moments to nap, read as an escape, and wait for the next high wave 💪🏽 to ride on back into a “life is wonderful and grand” mentality. Wish me luck! 🤪

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Burn Out

Going Mental No Responses »

May 242022

Two years ago I was excitedly preparing to launch The Universal Asian 🙌🏽. Since then, there have been a few variations, twists and turns, ups and downs, but it has become something I am proud of – overall.

Still, for two years it has taken up a large part of my mental space. Is it my passion project? Am I obsessed with it? Could I walk away from it without much pain?

Yes 👍🏽 and No 👎🏽.

I am not a person of passion. I get animated about certain topics. I feel strongly about a lot of things. But, am I passionate about anything? Not really. At an early age, I removed the ability to care too much or to allow myself to become overly invested in anyone or anything so that if it were taken from me or I somehow lost it, I could still survive without any personal injury to me. Therefore, the idea of becoming passion-driven is far removed and a locked away concept for me. So, NO, the platform was not a passion project and I am not passionate about it.

Without passion, then, the short answer is YES to being able to walk away from it without much pain. I could shut it down, close it out, and walk away with only a concern for the team who helps make it run as smoothly as it has been, but no pain in the loss of the space itself.

Mostly, though, YES, I am obsessed with it – to the detriment of myself mentally and emotionally. Also, this causes friction when self-funding such a venture. While there are many pieces of advice and traditional business models that suggest various ways to generate some income, none of them are with the vision that I created for the platform or showing enough potential to generate a significant amount of money to keep things independently afloat due to the current numbers in followings. It takes time to get to the tipping point and we only started two years ago.

When I started, I spoke to someone who had shut down her online magazine asking why it didn’t work. She warned me that the two-year mark would be when we would either make it or break it. She wasn’t wrong. 💡

It’s the burn out 🕯 that I had not quite anticipated. I consider myself fairly resilient, but with rejections, losses, fights, and struggles just within the space itself added to life challenges that we all face – well, it’s become a bit much for me.

While I know this project has meaning, value, and purpose, I am tired. I need to step away to see and appreciate where my efforts have gone. I need to look at the space as a user to find the value in what was created. So, that is what I am doing.

It is not a good-bye or shut down. As a wise person I had just met encouraged, the space can still exist and be open/available while I take a breath away. At the end of the day, money motivates. I mean, without pay, the rest of the team is also taking a break – which tells me that we still need finances 💵 to encourage meaning, value and purpose…. Therefore, as someone who isn’t getting paid either, I think it is even more reasonable that a break is needed.

So, June will be a winding down month with announcements and actions put in place to let everyone know that July and August are going to be quiet as we all, especially I, take a pause to recoup, refresh, and re-evaluate future steps.

At least, I realized I was on a ‘burn out’ before it became a full ‘blow out’, right?! 😅

~T 🔥🐉♋️

AAPI, AANHPI, or MH Month?!

Going Mental No Responses »

May 032022

America is viewed as a country that will celebrate anything. A common observance shared with me by non-North Americans is the exuberance of Americans at amusement parks, conferences, sporting events, and our observances of different months, holidays, etc.

Having not lived in the US for some time now, I am not as well-versed in the norms of my adoptive country nor its people. However, running The Universal Asian has forced me to get back into touch with various cultural elements, which includes celebrating/sharing focused content in certain months.

So, May has been declared as Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) awareness month, now also referred to as Asian American, Native Hawaiian and Pacific islander (AANHPI) month or some remove American and use “Awareness” as part of the acronym – Awareness of Asians and…. It’s all very confusing! On top of that, I have seen that May is also “Mental Health” awareness month – so what do we focus on or support?

The truth is that I find it all a bit bizarre and mostly a capitalist mentality. I mean, the Easter bunny came to be so that chocolate companies could benefit, after all. The problem is that with the ‘woke’ and ‘cancel culture’ mentality, one can no longer ignore these trends when trying to survive and thrive in a social media-based/influenced world.

All of it really makes me want to take a step back from anything connected to social media. I really just want to write, then turn off my computer to soak up the sun ☀️, read a book 📖, and listen to the birds 🐦whittle on in the background.

Last night, M and I had heated discussion about the continuation of The Universal Asian (more on that later), and for a long moment, I decided to shut it down – after sleep, I have since temporarily reconsidered. The thing is that I do not NEED to do it. I do not NEED to make it successful. I do not NEED to care or provide the space. I, personally, do not NEED nor MUST nor WANT to make it my life’s worth or work. I do it because I believe it has value and I believe the space is needed – plus it gives me something to do that focuses externally rather than in my own headspace. However, if another space/organization/group/entity wanted or started a similar space with more success, money, etc. then I would be content.

M retorted with a confused look as to how I do not have passion for something that he thinks is a great concept. I explained that my existence has never been fueled by passion or driving forces. I have ambition and I have motivation to do or create a lot of things from the many ideas that fill my head. I have a good instinct for things that work or do not make sense. However, there is no burning fire in my belly to achieve anything in particular in life. So, if nothing ever comes to fruition from my ideas, I’m totally and completely OK with it. Life, mine and others, will go on – that’s an absolute.

Fact is, if I were to die tomorrow or learn that I was dying, I would welcome it with relief. My father and M have said that they would be pissed off if they were in that position because they feel they still have things to do in this life. I do not. I never have. I have lived and experienced life fully, in my opinion, but I do not treasure it nor want to hold on to it.

It is with this outlook that I do not understand the role of awareness months or focused observances of days like International Pancake Day or Siblings Day, etc. If we want to appreciate something, then just do it – do it every day or do it when the mood strikes. Why do we need to be forced to give credence to a particular day or a particular month? To me, that shows less passion, drive and commitment than those who make it their life’s mission to raise awareness on whatever topic they feel inclined to take on.

Anyway, maybe my passion is in trying to expand the awareness of others to look beyond the trends and so-called norms, to live life so that one can be satisfied if they found out they were dying tomorrow…. 🤔

Whatever the case may be, I think I have brought AAPI/AANHPI and MH awareness to you reader now, haven’t it?! 😜

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Physical Purging to Reset

Going Mental 1 Response »

Apr 282022

There’s nothing quite like a physical purge to reset the mind.

**TMI Warning**⚠️

Yesterday I was continuing my inner rage, which I’m sure was reflected in my somewhat negative energy being emitted to others. M decided to fuel the rage with little comments. One in particular sparked a confused response of anger, frustration, and truth – ‘you’re so negative about everything, maybe you need to reflect more on that’! 🤬😳🤯

First of all, telling someone like me that I need to reflect more is never a good place to start as reflection and introspection is like breathing for me. That was the anger. The frustration and truth was in the fact that I have been negative about many things (not quite everything), but I also couldn’t see a way out of it.

So, instead, I raged a little back at him, hid myself away under the excuse of taking a nap and tried to escape the moment.

After I woke up, I decided a bit of alcohol and shisha with CBD would be a good way to ignite my positivity.

Well, it worked for a while until a headache turned into makings of a migraine began to trickle in. It went from a trickle to an invasion of the mind. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom losing control of my movements and my stomach contents – at the same time. (I did warn you!)

It felt reminiscent of the times I’ve had food poisoning and the last time last year when I got really sick purging my stomach then as well. However, the addition of my screaming headache made me realize that I had no control over anything that was happening to me. After two bathroom sessions, I crawled into bed shivering and crying from a complete lack of control over my physical situation. With hands pressed to my eyeballs in hopes of pushing out the pain and a concentrated effort to just breathe while reminding myself that pain is only temporary, my brain finally shut off releasing me into the dark sleep world.

Mercifully, I got to sleep through most of the night thanks to M taking over nighttime puppy duty. Generally, any position changes in my body were met with pain in my stomach or a threat of a visit to the restroom. So, I willed myself to keep sleeping.

By the time the sun rose this morning I felt that the worst had passed.

After gingerly testing out the state of my stomach, I think I am OK now. However, I have realized that the loss of physical control also released the mental cloud that was lingering. Even though it seems that long C19 is holding on, I haven’t felt this light and motivated for a couple of weeks now. So, with fingers crossed🤞🏽, a little prayer 🙏🏽 to the Universe, and renewed sense of purpose 💪🏽, I think that I have possibly climbed up over that last hill back into the light. 💡

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Protecting My Energetic Space

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jan 312022

It is trendy these days to talk about setting and keeping boundaries, which to many may seem either a luxury or an impossibility. There are some who may even consider it to be utter nonsense.

Before we celebrated navel gazing and the sharing – or oversharing – of our feelings, people just got on with life; and if one came across someone who set strong/firm boundaries, that person was most likely considered to be ‘eccentric’.

Growing up, I always dreamed of reaching the age when I did not have to follow social norms, play nicely with others, or care whether or not someone liked me. To be fair, the latter was always of least concern to me anyway as I had grown a tough exterior early on. When I was in my teens and early 20s, I thought that this age of bliss would be in my 60s or later. However, thanks to the onset of ‘touchy feely’ sharing, I discovered that I would not have to wait so long.

It was probably in my late 30s that I acquired the language around ‘setting boundaries’ and found it was freeing giving me an edge on the trending curve of self-help, self-awareness, and self-care. Although some may have wanted to wrap it all up in being self-ish, I found a sense of peace, order, and calm around the fact that I was being true to myself and my own mental health by knowing who I am, who I want to be, and what I needed to do to make that happen.

True freedom came with the entry into my fourth decade.

While the deep work began years before, the fruition of yoga, meditation, self awareness, and confidence building revealed itself in powerful bursts so that I no longer felt any sense of obligation to ‘fit in’ or maintain social norms just for the sake of it. I suppose this is also more easily done as a transient expat where reinventing oneself has fewer consequences than if I were in a static neighborhood with the same friends, social circles, and the like. So, it was not many years ago that I began to allow myself to read others’ energies and see how they could affect my own.

In the past, the negative effects would be met and processed with frustration, anger, and further negativity. However, over time, I realized that creating a boundary to protect my energy served as a repellant not only for myself, but also those near me. Now, setting boundaries brings to mind creating a force field that protects everything inside of it – recall Star Wars or any sci-fi film/series. By protecting my energetic space, I can be more self-less and provide support, love, and care to others around me rather than being an enabler of negative energy.

Although it is still not an easy task, I do find that when I focus on protecting my energetic space I am better at being supportive to others. Therefore, I will continue to be unapologetic in setting and keeping my boundaries as a way of protecting my energy from being affected by others’ negativity – should they arise. If it makes me appear selfish or even eccentric, then bring it on! 🤪

~T 😀

Looking for the Silence in the Noise

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 182021

Well, we are in Italy 🇮🇹 again. I am not yet ready to update on the settling process; it will be coming soon as there has been some progress, but the art of learning to be patient continues to be the school of life. Either way, I will soon be graduating 👩‍🎓 or dropping out 👎. So, stay tuned for that. 😉

Recently, I have been waking up to the sound of videos and going to bed to the sound of videos 🎥. Even as I tried to write early, I was forced to listen to the sound of a video only occasionally interrupted by a one-sided phone conversation.

My other half likes noise. A common phrase expressed by me throughout moments of the day is, “It’s a bit loud…”. 😛

Last night, we had a disagreement that miraculously was not an argument 😇 despite the nature of the topic and our state of minds. The heat wave 🥵, lack of A/C 😓, lack of consistent wifi 😡, and ongoing unsettled way of life 😝 are contributing factors to my less than cheery temperament since we arrived again in the land of pizza 🍕 and pasta 🍝 .

Rest assured that M and I are indeed on the same page overall. I have enough awareness that while we go about life differently, we are still partner’s enjoying an adventure together. We love each other 💗 without a doubt. We have managed to grow closer even through these past couple of crazy years so far; and so, in that area, there is nothing to worry about nor to complain about (generally).

This does not deny the fact that he frustrates me to no end and vice versa – though obviously me less so to him…! 😛

There is a darkness that fills the space we live in here – not just literally from limited windows and stone walls, but also figuratively in its energy. There is a darkness that surrounds the people we are heavily relying on for our peace of mind, stability, and future. There is a darkness that does not belong in an otherwise beautiful and bright place/expereince.

It’s no secret that Italy was never our first choice of destinations. Once we arrived, though, we both agreed to follow the path that we are on. While I have had hesitations from the start, I have continued on whilst keeping the prize in full view. However, it has not been the smooth and straight path that I was led to believe it would be when I jumped on board.

Like the windy roads that we drive on everyday, it is unknown what is around the bend. When a car drives slowly in front of us, it is not clear if it is better to follow it slowly, or speed on by.

Similarly, I feel that we sometimes speed up only to slow right down, and then not know if we should pass or just enjoy the slower scenery passing by.

While M enjoys the speed and blurring sights, it seems to have become white noise to him along with the sounds of the mindless videos he watches as a distraction from our current reality. For me, I just want to stop 🛑, breathe 🧘🏽‍♀️, and enjoy a bit of quiet/calm. Unfortunately, this tends to come out in expressions of impatience and annoyance at all that is not these things (totally my bad!). Unfortunately, the craving to walk in the light gets overshadowed by the darkness that swirls around this Italian path. Unfortunately, my determination to keep following this path is quickly waning with each dismissive comment, eye roll 🙄, and command to trust a gut that I know from experience and anecdotes cannot always be trusted….

At what point does it become my gut that gets trusted? At what point does my vote get taken as importantly as his? At what point do we agree to call it a day with this path we are on?

He says that we will know.

How? When?

We don’t know.

So, my curious logical brain understands the desire to see where the road ends – whether positively or negatively. If we change course now, we will never know if it was worth it or not.

The good thing is that either way, we will be okay. We will just choose another path if it doesn’t end up as we hoped. Or, we will reflect back looking at the hill we climbed and feel satisfaction that we stayed the course despite the winding road.

In the meantime, I just want a bit of silence. So, I write in the late hours when the house is dark, the man slumbers, and it’s just me with the fans as white noise over the pounding of the keys as my fingers try to keep up with my thoughts to find the silence within the noise.

~T 😀

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