With our settling in to the new “forever” home, I have been having some internal struggles.
A home represents who one is both as individuals and as the whole unit of those who live in the shared space. Therefore, expressing my own style while combining that of M’s has challenges. To be fair, we do not drastically differ; and for the most part we are in agreement with the general ideal look of each room.
One major challenge is that our few belongings are still waiting to find space on a ship from Japan to Italy. Therefore, we cannot completely nest into the space because we do not want to completely duplicate or clash with what we already have. So, there’s a balancing act of being patient and also trying to fill the massive space that we want to leave our mark in.
However, there are two matters with which I am, particularly, struggling.
First, in our attempt to furnish the house, I am finding that I do not exactly like the Italian-style π , and yet do not want to look like an Ikea showroom, even though I do like most of their products. So, I am considering how I can possibly paint or personalize pieces that we need (we have very few large pieces of furniture coming in our shipment). What I have to constantly remind myself is that this is our space for the foreseeable future, so there is no rush. Patience must be applied. π
The bigger issue that I am facing is accepting this is a long-term abode.
My first eight years of life had me moving around creating a sense of normal out of being somewhat nomadic. Despite being fairly stable in my family home from eight to 18, when I left for college, I always knew that I would not have a conventional life living nearby in a suburb or fulfilling my father’s dream of family dinners every Sunday.
While being an English language educator was not my dream profession, it did afford me the kind of lifestyle that I wanted. In my adult life, I have moved to a new living space every three or four years, even if I stayed in one country for lengthy periods of time.
By moving frequently, I was able to justify why I never nested. Many of my expat friends would be sure to put up pictures on the walls or do various small things to mark their new space as theirs. This was never me. It felt too permanent, too attached, too settled – too scary.
When M and I moved to Japan, we decided to break the cycle.
So, in our house, we half-heartedly put up pictures on the walls with thumbtacks. We never used anything that would make it feel permanent. Of course, we knew that we weren’t going to stay there for more than a few years; we always had a foot out of the door, so to speak. Still, we were temporarily content with our efforts. I felt that I was starting to take a step toward adulthood, stability and creating a ‘home’.
The past year has returned us to a very nomadic way of life as we moved about six times within a year trying to determine where we were going to put away our suitcases.
In that time, I found that I was ready for a more permanent space. However, I did make M promise that this didn’t mean that we were going to never travel again nor that we would stop having adventures together. He has promised and I’m holding him to it.
Still, at the moment, neither of us are overly eager to leave the space. There is a brightness to it. The energy vibrates with positivity and love. So, we both soak it up everyday. M went to Milan for a few days last week and said that he missed the house and land. I have yet to leave it for very long, but imagine I will feel similarly when I do. But, I have no problem with missing the space knowing that I can come back to it.
Although I always knew that I could go home to my family (and still can), it’s never felt like my space. Rather, I tend to feel like a visitor and focus on spending time with the people I cherish rather than reconnecting with the space itself. Part of that is probably because my parents must have a shared spirit in that they are on their fourth house since I left home 20-some years ago. π
So, all this is to say that I am enjoying the nesting process, but am working through some inner challenges in defining what is our home’s style and accepting this is our launching pad for, well in our minds right now, forever.
~T π
