I have just written my second attempt to request information from my first adoptive father. This time, I hand-wrote a letter to send in the regular post. I tried an email address that I found online since post is a bit delayed and sporadic these days; however, after no response and no idea if it is even the right email address, I thought I would go old-school.
Let me provide an update on how this has come about:
Thanks to TUA, I came across someone who offered to look at my Korean paperwork after I told her my story. In her review of them, she found that it seemed I had a somewhat private adoption and that my first adoptive family had been in Korea at the time of my adoption. Initially, it seemed that my first-adoptive-father (FAF) worked for or with the embassy, but recent information suggests that was not actually the case. Anyway, what is clear is that FAF was in-country for some of the official procedures as he is noted on papers relinquishing me from my birth mother directly to him rather than an orphanage or foster home.
This revelation put my mom’s researching/stalking skills into motion in tracking down FAF and others in the family.
As my mom has got major skillz, it didn’t take long for her to reach out to a few people in the original family and to confirm that she had found the right persons-in-question. After a conversation, she asked that FAF reach out to answer my questions on the process of preparing me for immigration to the US and if he did actually have contact with my B-mother.
While it seems that there was some family drama and struggles in the period of time that I was in the family, I do not care as I have little-to-no memories of my time with them. I realize it is probably harsh to say that “I do not care”, but it is the truth. How can I care about people or a time that I cannot remember?
Still, as much as I try to remain unemotional or detached from the situation, I have to admit that I find myself fighting a sensation of irritation and possibly anger. It is not anger for the fact that they brought me to the US nor that they relinquished me back into a system that temporarily did not treat me well. It is not even anger for a promise that was not kept.
It is anger, frustration, irritation that once again they/he is choosing to be selfish at my expense. He has answers that would make my search easier or possibly lead me on the right path toward discovering my origins. In a way, I feel that it is the least that he can do to make up for the consequences of his actions that I was required to experience. I feel that he should be mature enough and man enough to get over his own emotions or issues surrounding what happened to simply provide me with the facts that he knows and can share.
At the same time, I struggle with a niggling feeling of guilt that I should feel entitled, frustrated/angry, or even the desire to pursue such answers. Often, I question what are my intentions or desired outcomes with my search. I mean, I don’t necessarily want a familial relationship with anyone I find connected by DNA. I also do not feel there is a piece of me missing or empty that I am trying to fill in. So, then it is fair to ask, ‘what is it all for?’.
Honestly, I do not know.
Part of it is curiosity. I love a good mystery story. Part of it is for the story. I’m writing my book after all and always need more sources of storyline. Part of it is purely selfish. I just want to know. Part of it is just natural. Doesn’t every person want to or deserve the right to know where they came from?
So, while I truly and honestly believe that it is not about defining me or finding myself, I acknowledge that the answer to the WHY is complex and a rainbow of colored reasons – possibly with some yet to surface.
In any case, I have warned him that the email and my letter are not the last he will hear of me now that the search is on. It is not a threat so much as a promise that I will not so easily be removed, forgotten, or pushed aside this time….
~T 🔥🐉♋️
