Creative Meanderings

A common and fair question when we first meet people is to ask what one does – for work, for life, for whatever. For years, that was a safe and easy question to answer with no unintended nuances like ‘where are you from’ can hold. I knew how to answer it directly and, though, I rarely got more than an ‘I see’ when stating that I taught English as a second/foreign language, at least it was clear-cut and obvious.

These days, it is harder to give a plain response to this same question. Part of it is that we live in Italy on basically a retirement visa that means we cannot legally work nor earn income outside of a passive source like investments or pensions. Part of it is that I do a number of things.

Recently, I found myself saying first “Not much of anything”, but then upon a quick reflection I realized that was a lie. I actually do a lot of things. I just don’t know how to sum it up into an uncomplicated answer that most want to hear.

Up until recently, I was running an online platform – The Universal Asian -, which wasn’t breaking visa rules since it really made no income. It still wasn’t easy to explain what it was I did, but at least it had a tangible output that one could get their head around, i.e. I ran a website. I also do some paid freelance work that is perhaps technically breaking visa rules, but it cannot be directly tracked, so there’s that. However, what I mostly do is write.

So, I corrected my response to “I write.”

To that, I get a head nod; and then like when I used to claim teaching as my profession, the inquisitor moves on.

With others, when I have tested out such a response but with more detail like “I am writing a couple of books”, I get more interested expected return inquiries like “Oh, what are they about?”

Still, I suppose the real point is that I am not always certain as to what I DO.

It is a strange place in life these days as I feel far too young to be considered ‘retired’ and far too old to be in the peak of my profession – though I suppose I could have been had I stayed in education. Although many, including myself, would say it is not too late to reinvent oneself, I am still working on what that invention is meant to be.

I do appreciate that it is a kind of luxury to have such a challenge. However, I also acknowledge that it probably is not so uncommon for one, especially women, to ponder how to sum up what one does in life into a few comprehensible words.

It used to boggle my mind what a person does when they no longer commute to and from work, spend their days in the professional space, come home to family and dinner in the evenings, and spend weekends catching up on errands, house maintenance, and occasionally socializing with friends. I mean, that is what we consider a conventional, normal life, right? What else would we expect one to do, really?

Yet, I find that not only unsatisfactory, but also boring AF! I know – I apologize if that offends.

Now that my life is on more slow motion, I can reflect back. The truth is THAT was exactly the kind of life I did have – just in a different country. These days, my commute consists of bed to kitchen to desk via my slippered feet. My time spent in a ‘professional space’ is only determined by my mood, the length of my self-imposed todo list and motivation. My evenings are generally quiet with an early dinner usually made by my husband. Socializing, errands, and all the rest are done depending on my day, my mood, my motivation, and the like but never limited to weekends or holidays. In short, only a semi-tweaked version of the conventional and normal.

Yet, that little tweak makes me pause and question.

Perhaps, it is the off-handed statement directed at me by a certain someone – “I probably don’t respect or take seriously what you do.” Now, I know that sounds harsh. In his defense, he was somewhat joking and he wasn’t trying to be offensive towards me. It was just a thinking aloud comment that held truth. I personally was not upset by the words. Instead, I realized I probably felt the same.

As a holder of a master’s degree in teaching from a well-respected higher education institution, I felt purposeful in my explanation of how I pass my days. However, now as one who works on occasion, writes all the time but makes no income from it, I question my value. Society, and therefore most people, value our activities in life dependent upon the amount of money we make from time spent on something. Thus, there is less respect and seriousness surrounding the idea that one can spend time doing meaningful things that does not earn much income let alone no income at all.

Furthermore, it is not exactly as if we have no money woes (as you will know if you’ve been reading here for a while) nor that we have suddenly become filthy rich and thus the idea of making money is moot. However, it is exactly that we really don’t have much money woes and once our house is paid off, or at least a solution for paying it is sorted (nearly there), “we” make enough money to enjoy life fully. Therefore, my own income stream is for me alone.

So, if I choose to do those things that do not generate monetary value, does it mean that I actually do nothing?

Obviously, we want to say, “Of course not!” Angel voices might even raise fists of support to happily encourage a beating of the system shouting, “You go girl! Live your best life. Do what you’re passionate about.” Meanwhile devil voices might whisper the words of Emile Calvet, Megan Draper’s father in Mad Men, “…I see you skipped the struggle and went right to the end…it is not because someone else deserves it, but because it is bad for your soul…I hate that you gave up….”

So, I wonder, did I give up? Did I skip the struggle?

Or, was it that the struggle and process was just slightly tweaked from the conventional and normal?

Maybe, what I DO now is what I have always wanted to be doing and I’m just struggling to accept it as my new reality…?

~T