relationships – Creative Meanderings

Small Town Regrets

Nov 042024

I keep meaning to sit down to write, but catching up on “normal” life and trying to see local friends has made it more challenging than I had anticipated in settling into routine. I feel as if I’m running on fumes. Perhaps, that is also because I might have the tinge of a cold threatening my head and body…but anyway…

Since I’m already behind with updates on travels, let me push it off a bit longer. I’ll get to it eventually, not to worry.

For the moment, I got hit with a rude awakening of what small town life is like and a reminder to renew my previously held vow to never do anything that will cause me to be the center of the town gossip. Unfortunately, I actually have no recollection of doing as reported, but since it was confirmed by the person who received the harsh, unkind, and unintended words during a night of too much tequila, I cannot get away with denying it as I did when it was initially reported back to me that I had said such a thing.

What was it, I said?

Apparently, I said someone’s book was sh*t. Even worse than that I said it to the author herself in a belligerent drunken state. Of course, it was unintended. Yes, it was really harsh and unkind. Furthermore, it was probably embarrassing to her as I did it in front of other people. Worse of all is that in my sober mind, I would never ever say such a thing to anyone who has written something, put it out into the world, and made themselves vulnerable to critique. Yet, it happened.

I have apologized. I definitely regret that it was said by me, and that I cannot even remember doing it.

With the attitude of taking responsibility, I also renew my vow to never get drunk or do anything “interesting” in front of people who live in our proximity. I knew that I didn’t trust them to not find a way to create a gossip chain, spread stories, and revel in the ignominy of another person. On top of that, I haven’t even been around to explain or defend myself, even if I wanted to do so.

For a while, I had been trying to figure out why I prefer my friends in France over the ones we have made in Italy. This situation clearly illuminates what I couldn’t before explain.

My friends in France never spread stories about each other. What happens at a party stays at a party. What is said at a party stays at a party, or is discussed privately between the speakers should there have been a possible issue. No one tries to create a rift, shine someone in a negative light, nor put themselves in the center to garner sympathy or attention. It’s never about tearing someone else down, but always about focusing on the fun. With that sense of security, there is freedom to be ourselves, enjoy each other’s company in a safe space, and bond in those moments.

Instead, I have mostly spent three years on guard when we have get-togethers – even in my own home. I have said many times that I never want to be the source of the gossip that goes around town. Yet, here I am finding myself in the middle of one unintentionally because I made the mistake of getting really drunk at a party that we hosted and opened our home to over a hundred guests to….

Again, I do not shirk my ownership of saying the words I said nor that those words caused negative results. I own it. I regret it and have apologized for it. So, it’s time to move on with lesson learned and gut understanding reaffirmed.

In the future, no opinions will be shared unless it’s on the mundane, no judgments will be spoken, and trust will not be given to anyone outside of my inner inner circle. It’s sad to not have a safe zone, but alas it is what it has proven to be.

~T🔥🐉♋️

It’s Me…Not You/Them

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 222024

Being independent in thinking, persona, and image can leave one (me) with a sense of loneliness, even when I am surrounded by others, most especially by those I actually like.

I have always been a trend balker. If something becomes trendy, I actively go the other way to avoid being considered a follower or a joiner. In Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken, he ends with the statement that taking the less traveled path has made all the difference. While there may be many a discussion on whether or not he is expressing this in a positive or negative tone, I have always taken it as a positive.

So, it is to my own dismay that when I hear of others, whom I like, getting together without a mention or invite directed toward us I get a tinge of jealousy/envy. It sparks questions that I normally do not allow to enter my thought processes. However, for a few hours or a day, they take over the forefront of my ponderings.

Why wasn’t I/we invited? Are we not really friends? Is it me? Is it him? Is it them? Did I do something? Am I not likable? Was I even here and able to go if I had been invited? Why do I care, really?

The answers aren’t actually that important, nor are they going to change my behavior – unless it really is a disliking of me kind of situation.

It’s more a curiosity as to why I might take it personally at all. I am not a FOMO kind of person. I don’t like large groups anyway. Yet….

Perhaps, it is because when I do reach out for a quiet coffee with some, I get lukewarm replies. Not straight out cold ones, but enough of a ‘no’ to make me feel okay about it. Then, I find out she/he/they have been hanging out with others I have made similar offers to, but not been included in. A less confident, self-assured person might take that as a true personal slight.

Then, I remind myself–I don’t like groups or doing things in such a way. It’s not my nature to join sporting activities, especially in groups or teams. It’s not my nature to do things just because others are. Therefore, there is nothing to feel upset about or to take personally. It is what it is and who I am.

So, after a short reflective semi-pity/perturbed party, I’m OK. I’m looking forward. I have plenty that I enjoy doing and much happening in the coming days. I’ll enjoy our moments together, but continue to not be dependent on having an active social life here; for now.

It’s a good, busy week ahead, so better get to it!

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Here We Go – 2024!

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 152024

Well, it is exactly halfway through the first month of the year and I feel good still about the last bit of last year along with the start of this one, so far. Unlike some years, I do not feel a sense of starting slow or that I need to rush forward. In a way, I feel for once I am perfectly placed and in the prime state of life on every aspect of my life.

Health

Usually, around this time of year, I feel far too overweight and slightly depressed about the state of my body. This year, I feel fabulously 47.5 and fairly fit. That’s not to say I don’t have some health goals this year, but it’s so nice to have a sense of starting off ahead rather than catching up.

So, in terms of physical health, I have a couple more kilos to drop for my target weight which is going to take a little bit of tweaking since we have been unsustainably been eating one meal a day around 2 or 3pm. When we are home and antisocial this is a fine way to be, but living in a Mediterranean culture means late dinners and social drinking. Therefore, finding a balance or rather counter-weight to the lateness of eating and drinking is necessary. This will probably be more of a trial and error method for a few months to see what works and what is sustainable.

Along with the eating habits, I’ll be focusing on getting in my steps, time in the gym for maintaining muscle mass – rather than bulking up -, and, of course, stretching through yoga for flexibility and movement.

Plus, I’ll be staying on top of our doctor checkups and all that good stuff. I plan to be able to say “Don’t hate at 48” with my healthy next winter bikini-bod! hahahaha

Relationships

Constantly, I am reflecting on my relationships and the nature of humans when it comes to connections. While I cherish all of my interactions with others, whether good or bad, I do not need to maintain or force the ones that are not purposeful or positively contributing to my life. Therefore, this year, I have decided to only make an effort great or small with those who fit the bill exactly.

This means that those who do not reach out to me or do not reciprocate invites, conversations, interactions will not be on my list at all to contact. Obviously, if they do make an effort I shall return the effort, but I don’t want to expend any energy considering my schedule, time, and the like. I imagine most people are already like this, but I have a tendency to expect, wait, and accommodate. No more, no sir.

A benefit of this is that I feel as if I have a lot more time and space now to organize and prioritize being with those whom I truly sense are “worth” it.

This includes time with family and dear close friends.

Work/Writing

This year, I have very big plans for my writing pursuits.

Publishing/Personal Writing

So, soon I will be working on advertising that I finished and published Volume 2: Healthcare of the Umbria On A Whim series. It is available on Amazon, but I will be upping my social media and online information with this. It is not meant to take over my life or other writing, but a slow and steady build into something sustainable and passive. Plus, I’ll begin working on Volume 3 and possibly 4 on Housing.

Also, I will finish my fiction novel this year. If all goes well, I hope to have a first draft finished by May to then have beta reads for edits/feedback, and then go on from there. I want to have a completed final submission draft by the end of November so I am ready to submit to some fellowships/grants for 2025.

Plus, in other personal writing areas, I hope to start publishing some articles about travels, writing, adoption, life or whatever in some online spaces. So, stay tuned!

Work

Work is defined as anything that makes money. So, technically, my personal published books are now considered “work” since they are making money, albeit small amounts. Still, I do actually work for other paying entities. I plan to maintain the level of work I am doing for one online company since it is easy enough and gives me enough to pad a trip here and there. The other “job” has always been organically developed, so I shall continue with that as it seems that my role might be growing and work will come in as and when.

So, basically, I plan to prioritize my days with writing first and work second. I am aiming to treat my writing as a kind of job and starting out my days on those tasks before the “paid” ones. We shall see how I get on with that.

Well, that about wraps up my 2024 goals 💪🏽. We have quite a bit of travel planned or to plan this year so it has been important to align my personal goals with a more nomadic lifestyle. I’m really looking forward to our travels! Everything feels aligned this year so far. Maybe there is something to it being the Asian calendar “Year of the Dragon 🐉”, which is my zodiac animal – though they say that Dragons should be cautious this year, so who knows?! 🤷🏽‍♀️

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Unbalanced Conversations

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jul 212022

I remember yelling at my ex-husband once that not all stories were about him and that he didn’t always need to revert the conversation back to himself. He looked at me in confusion and said, “But, that’s how people relate and talk.” At the time, I just attributed his style of conversing with me, and others, as his ego and arrogance making him the center of EVERY conversation. 😡

Sadly, social interactions over the years have proven that he was right. 😳

Unfortunately, for me, I still hate it and want to scream when it happens! 🤬

Fortunately, I generally keep these thoughts/reactions to myself (this being one of the exceptions) and accept it’s more common than I would like. 🫤

However, I still believe it is about the ego. But, instead of arrogance I now attribute it to a lack of self-awareness and a need to prove one’s value, worth, and importance.

The truth is that I am on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to talking about myself, my opinions, and my experiences. Rather, I write these things, which is a kind of one-sidedness, but then the reader (you) can choose to walk away without hurting my feelings. 😅 I’m not saying it is better – just, that is me and how I relate and talk to others. I do not have a need to prove myself on any level to others – a different form of arrogance. 😬

There is probably a bit of cause-effect happening if I do not talk about myself much, then others may feel the need to overcompensate by talking about themselves more. However, I challenge that logic with a question – why not just ask a question instead of making it about the self? 🤔

When the focus becomes constantly about the self, then the interaction no longer has a balance to it resulting in one (usually me) getting bored or frustrated with a conversation because one of a few things tends to happen: 1) stories get repeated, which is SUPER annoying to one who remembers they have already heard the story before, especially if a polite “Oh yeah, you told me that” does not deter the repetition; 🙄 2) the dialogue is no longer such, instead it becomes a monologue, which is only interesting in a play or scene of a film/show; 🥱 3) some kind of negative feeling and energy starts to seep in and settle whenever any further engagement is required making it somewhat challenging to deepen or further a relationship of any kind. 😵‍💫

If I really am interested in someone I tend to ask them questions. If that person asks me questions back and listens without waiting for me to pause so they can jump in with their own story, then I feel seen and heard. 😍 This rarely happens, to be honest.

Often, I tell people that I don’t like people. 🙅🏽‍♀️ It always makes them laugh with surprise at my bluntness and no one actually believes it. They assume it means that I don’t like to socialize or that I am quiet and shy – a common misnomer of an introvert. Recently, I said maybe I should reword it to something like “I don’t trust people”, but upon thinking about that, it isn’t sufficient enough.

It is true that I do not trust most people, but it is more true that I don’t like people.

On the whole, I do NOT like people. People – as in the mass, a group of individuals, and all the social norms that are associated with people.

However, I DO like persons or individuals.

I cherish those I call friends – my definition is probably a bit different than most, but will save that for another pondering session. I enjoy socializing and time around individuals in groups.

Still, it is a fine line.

Not only do I get exhausted from being around others as an introvert, but my energy is drained even faster when I am around people. I do not thrive on monologic conversations. I do not thrive on the egocentric need to prove oneself through repetitive stories or always having to validate by listening to the rattling of their words. I find it on the same level as talking to children….

So, now that I’ve probably offended you as a reader, I will stop here. I do not mean offense. I just would like to implore 🙏🏽 all individuals to consider that conversations should be like a well-played tennis 🎾 match. At the end of it, both should walk away feeling challenged yet satisfied.

Is that really too much to ask? 😜

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Just a Dip…

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jun 142022

There can be such loneliness in togetherness. I imagine that those couples who decide to get divorced after 20+ years together best understand this sentiment. When there is no one and nothing left to justify the lack of communication, lack of interest in trying to be heard, lack of trying to be a unit, then it seems logical that one might prefer to be on their own and, possibly, reopen the door for someone else to fit into the space of companionship. For, at the end of the day, it’s not just about fulfilling physical needs that keeps a couple together after the initial newness in animalistic satisfaction wears off.

Despite my own partner’s claims that men are easily contented if their sexual urges are satisfied, and the need for intellectual stimulation is less important, I argue that this is a naive and overly simplistic way of defining what it means to be a life partner.

Obviously, this is a generalization on his part because intellectual stimulation is a do or die requirement for both of us.

Still, the way that we go about making an effort with one another can often feel unsatisfying from my perspective. As one approaching menopause, sex is of less frequent interest and a desire to be seen, heard and appreciated is on the increase. Thus, my intellectual stimulation threshold is much higher, but I have recently felt that has gone unnoticed, unacknowledged, and most definitely unaddressed.

Perhaps, it is more about the isolated lifestyle that we have undertaken than about our relationship. After all, we are indeed very much in love and have a generally enviable partnership (so don’t fret!). Still, I often feel isolated and alone.

There is no one to whom I can complain about our financial situation, his decision-making as it affects me/us, or the general challenge of being with someone whose work is a constant roller coaster. Actually, to be fair, there are people with whom I can share, but no one really wants or needs to hear my complaints as it can sound spoiled or too “first-world” problem-y to be taken seriously.

Thus, I am alone in my thoughts and angst much of the time.

One might wonder why or how I can be this way, but that’s not really the point, is it? It is how I feel. It is my reality. Ultimately, it is also up to me to sort it out, cope, and get to the other side.

Still, it doesn’t make it easier nor less isolating.

So, I am sliding into this dip in my mood and taking the moments to nap, read as an escape, and wait for the next high wave 💪🏽 to ride on back into a “life is wonderful and grand” mentality. Wish me luck! 🤪

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

Bringing Light and Leaving the Dark

Going Mental 1 Response »

Apr 212022

There are few things that trigger my negative psyche these days. Thanks to meditation, reading a lot of books for reflection, and general maturity in life through experiences, I always look inward before letting myself get absorbed by other’s actions or words. Introspection is a daily habit rather than a passing whim for me.

So, when I feel injured by others, I really feel it. It has been a long time since I have let myself invest in a space or be amongst others enough that I could potentially be personally injured, but after months of Zoom sessions, chats online, and what seemed like a good connection, I lowered my wall of protection. Unfortunately, due to money – of all things – wounds that I thought were healed proved to be merely scabbed over and when picked only a little, bled.

Regarding the money, I am responsible and I fully acknowledge it. While I do not have actual control over our finances nor much of a say as to my bank balance these days, I agreed to pay for a service and admit to falling short of that agreement.

However, the problem for me lies in the blurred lines of when service melds into relationships. Was I actually paying for readership of my writing? Was I paying for accountability partners? Was I paying for a support group? These are questions I am still processing answers to as I am not quite sure, or perhaps I am just not ready to accept the answers.

If I had stayed with my wall up and looked at the service as simply a service, I imagine I would not have entered that dark space of my mind so eagerly. However, the loss by being removed abruptly, by being shut out completely, by not having a chance for closure was an unexpected and unprepared for moment because I did let that wall down.

Possibly, if I had not gotten excited over the idea of having writing friends, I would have more thoroughly thought about what I was paying for; therefore, making my protective decisions more carefully. Still, hindsight is 20:20, right?

After wallowing for a couple of weeks, opening the dark space that consequently allowed in C19, and reorganizing my mental processes, I am slowly coming back up out of the abyss with a renewed vision and, admittedly, a reinforcement of protection. This is not to say that I am hardened nor closed off, but rather that I know now that I don’t want any aspect of money to determine the answers to my earlier questions. There is a time and place to pay for certain elements in the writing process – no matter how great or small the sum -, but my values are not respected if I allow myself to be in a place where money is more important than relationships, especially when it comes to writing, especially when there is a common understanding that rejection and abandonment are triggers, especially when compassion and empathy are meant to be at the forefront of the ties that bind.

So, without placing any blame on anyone or in any place other than myself and in my mind, I am pulling up my big girl pants and appreciating the experience and lessons learned as I move forward. My writing will get back on track and I am looking at how to create my own space and support networks that may still involve money, but will value the relationships more so that no one else will be forced to visit those dark recesses of their minds when all they want to do is to bring light through their writing. Stay tuned as the ideas develop!

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Reflections: Week of Reflections 2

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 062022

If reading my blog posts hasn’t taught you anything else about me, I hope that it has been abundantly clear that I LOVE a plan 💜. Part of my planning process is – appreciating – what has worked and what has not.

Over a two-year-period, I used a bullet journal 📖 style of organizing, tracking, and recording various aspects of my life. In general, I’m a use fan of this method, but it was slightly challenging for me to separate areas as everything was clumped together in one big book. Therefore, this year, I have decided to start fresh with a new journal 📝 only for recording my thoughts or doing my warm-up writing before a full writing session. I also have a separate calendar 🗓 book to hold my to-do lists and track my activities. These combined with my online Google calendar and tasks system should be effective in helping me stay on track each day. So, this is my literal appreciation and planning.

In other areas of appreciation, I touched on them a bit in my previous post. First and foremost is that we have a house 🏡! It truly is the dream house that we manifested together with our list of wishes. Although we now have to focus on paying it off, we know that this is meant to be our home.

Furthermore, my efforts to find, build, and maintain friendships when we moved to France has paid off as I have a small but solid tribe to call my/our own even in a short time. Though they are all based in France, I am so appreciative of their open arms, generosity of spirit, and love of rosé 🍷🥂! I will try to work on finding Italy-based friends as well this year.

Obviously, The Universal Asian has seen great growth and despite a bit of end-of-the-year drama, I am proud of what it is today and excited about what it will become in the upcoming year.

So, these are the main highlights of my appreciation in the last year.

On to my planning for 2022!

As usual, I focused on six areas: health, finances, career/work, relationships, personal growth, and spiritual growth. I’ll just give a quick overview of where I hope to be in these areas by the end of the year.

Health:

Although my weight is not crazy and I eat fairly healthily, there is always room for improvement. Middle-age changes to my metabolism and body shape as well as ability to maintain has been challenging to get a solid hold on. Therefore, I am aiming to drop to my ideal weight of 56kg (currently around 64kg – did I just share that?!). Once I hit it, I hope to maintain it.

Also, I had a goal of being able to do pull ups, which didn’t quite ever come to fruition. However, now that we have a fully functioning gym in the house, I am going to work on training to be able to do pull ups!

Since I think that a six-pack is not likely to ever happen and I actually don’t think it looks that good on a middle-aged woman, I am aiming for a toned four-pack by the time my bikini body is exposed (around April/May). With a bit of weight loss around the middle and concentrated exercises, I think this is feasible.

Finally, my goal is to help support M in his own weight loss and fitness journey with healthy eating and regular fasting – which will likely coincide with my regular writing retreats. 😆

Finances:

Without giving too much public information regarding our finances, I just want to say that the focus this year is to be 100% debt-free. Given the improved conditions of our finances from just a year ago, I firmly believe this is possible and will strive to ensure that we can happily report that all our income is ours by the end of the year. **This is easier said than done as my other half hates paying bills…** 🤪

Career/Work:

As I no longer really “work” or have a formal career, all of these goals relate to building up The Universal Asian. I’d like to get to the point that we are generating at least $5K 💵 per month to cover current costs and increase other budgets. It really doesn’t seem like much, but it is a slow process as we need to increase our engagement numbers through social media and the site itself. I’m also hoping to increase our team members and writers/contributors. So, again, nothing impossible, just need to stay focused on the prize 🏆!

Relationships:

This is somewhat COVID pending as the world of travel as we once knew it seems to be gone. However, I want to, at least, see my parents and family sometime this year. It may not be until the end of the year, but that is a priority for sure.

Also, I’ve already put a new time limit on my social media apps from 2hrs to 1hr and my goal is to get to 30mins per day. No more than that! Whenever I feel the urge to pick up my phone or iPad to mindlessly scroll, I am going to try to make myself read instead. This way I can also meet my goal of reading more. 🤓

Finally, I sort of gave up on trying to stay connected with old friends last year and perhaps before as I felt that it was too one-way. However, for the people of whom I think on a regular basis, I will aim to make more of an effort to be the first to reach out to them every so often rather than wait as there is no gain in a one-sided battle of wills. 😛

Personal Growth:

This is my year of writing. Everything related to my personal growth goals this year are connected to what I want to achieve in my writing with the help of my writing tribe – Adoptee Writer’s Experience (AWE) led by Ann Peck.

Therefore, I have already scheduled in my weekly writing dates at a cafe ☕️💻 in Orvieto. Also, I have let M know and scheduled regular writing retreats every six weeks or so. This means I will book a hotel in Rome or somewhere else to escape distractions that might take me away from writing. The cost of this will be less than a short writing retreat and gives my introverted nature a break from social interactions as well. 😅

With all of this, my goal is to submit two short stories to pre-determined submissions and have a draft of my first novel by November. 🙏🏽🤞🏽

Spiritual Growth:

This area went up and down over the past year as I taught a few yoga classes and then didn’t, but managed to maintain my own practice regularly so that it is rare for a day to go by that I don’t do yoga.

Still, I have realized that I am missing the massive benefits that daily meditation brings me. I pushed it aside a bit, but am now trying to reprogram it in each day. I’ve started with pre-sleep meditation and eventually want to put back in a morning sit as well.

Furthermore, I am hoping to read at least seven “spiritual”/philosophy/self-help books:

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi – I’ve already started this as an audiobook
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield – Already on my bookshelf waiting to be opened
Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
Yoga of the Subtle Body by Tias Little
Bhagavad Gita by Eknath Easwaran
The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
Letters from a Stoic by Seneca

These are not in any specific order and when I say ‘read’, I also mean audiobooks as I tend to absorb nonfiction better aurally.

So, there you have it. My – planning – for 2022 is written in the end of my bullet journal book to round off the book and the year; and now it is here as a sort of accountability space.

Here we go!!! 💪🏽

~T 😀

Reflections: Making Life Meaningful

Going Mental 1 Response »

Dec 142021

Relationships always have ups and downs, whether romantic or platonic. I value my relationships as treasures and gifts that can never be replaced, because – well – they can’t.

Whether or not one believes in God or a higher being, it shouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination nor acceptance to acknowledge that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Sometimes these reasons are to teach us something, sometimes it is to teach them something, sometimes it is out of convenience, sometimes it is for forever; always it has meaning.

M and I have observed/are observing a few marriages/romantic relationships struggling and it is a sad process to watch.

Having had our own relationship demises, we discuss how and why connections seem to go wrong. I love this aspect of M because he reflects, processes, and adjusts himself to ensure that mistakes aren’t repeated to jeopardize the strength of his relationships.

Likewise, I do the same.

Also, I stand fast to the belief that we need to communicate more. So many people want to poo-poo the fact that feelings are talked about or dismiss the need to get things off our chests. However, I maintain that, aside from the outrageous consumption of sugar and other chemicals, the reason cancer runs rampant is because we hold on to the darkness of thoughts, energy, and feelings. While we may not be able to control environmental impacts on our health and quality of life, we can most definitely control our consumption, exposure, and expression.

M, being British, sometimes justifies that culturally English people do not speak so much of feelings and that therapy is an American concept.

I argue that while that may be true, and generationally it doesn’t matter the country/culture, it doesn’t make it right or healthy. I’m not saying that we should talk about every single emotion or thought that passes through our minds/hearts. I AM saying that we should talk about what we hold onto that doesn’t serve us in creating lightness in our lives. Holding grudges, becoming bitter, mumbling and grumbling are not necessary to life. They are indeed a fact of life, but we are not required to hold on to them or let them perpetuate until they grow into dark cancerous bits that take hold of our souls.

This is not to say, either, that we should run away from the problems that come up including another human being – especially one that we are committed to (legally or not). This is the modern-day response to “removing negative influences” in our lives. Nothing is gained from running away either. Working on the relationship and then agreeing to walk away or one realizing that it is detrimental to their life to stay is not considered running way, but being wise in severing that connection for their well-being.

For me, my greatest learning in life has been communicating what is in my heart and mind. I do not have verbal diarrhea, and I do not walk around with my heart on my sleeve. However, I think I can proudly claim that I do speak my mind when I feel that it is important to do so.

M and I have a fairly healthy way of sharing with each other moments of annoyances (before it escalates to a fight), requests to avoid projecting our own issues on each other, or a need for some temporary space to process what we need before sharing or discussing it with each other. When we fight, which is not that often, we do it fiercely but we come back later to rationally explain and listen to each other’s points of views. We may choose to agree to disagree, but we respectfully acknowledge the other’s side. We also agreed very early on in our marriage that we would never ever throw out the “D” word in arguments nor even joke on it as an option because it begins to fray the binds that connect us and we do not want to do that – ever.

So often after we discuss with people who are struggling and we share with each other what was said – we do tell each other EVERYTHING – it almost always boils down to the fact that they don’t communicate nor listen to their partners. Imagine what healing and positivity could arise if they were able to communicate, listen, and be heard?

Life drives meaning and purpose from these two simple actions: listening and speaking. These can be done aurally or in writing. Still, they must be done. In doing them, we learn about each other, we gain respect for one another, and most importantly, we come to understand others and ourselves better.

Thereby, making our lives even more meaningful!

~T 😀

Love is not war

Going Mental No Responses »

Aug 112021

Summer heat and being on guard for the potential blood-sucking fire starters on my skin keeps me from my usual blissful eight hours of subconscious escape these days.

In the early morning hours when my mind is not quite exhausted, yet not fully present, I find my thoughts drift in and out of relived conversations.

My husband strangely threw out that he didn’t take me as reflective or aware, which made me question just how well he knows me and recalculate his own seemingly self-absorbed arrogance to think so little of my consideration of others while holding himself in perfect esteem. My more rational self presumes that perhaps he was kidding or just trying to be inappropriately funny as is sometimes his wont, but in a tired fog my mind still whirls around with numerous possible, and probably incorrect, reasons.

There are times when I see just how much he takes for granted and wonder what other ways he finds himself inaccurately superior to me and my ways. I think that he confuses my sharing out loud the thought processes of my mind as the same kind of personal judgment and actual beliefs in my core. It is in these circular meanderings that I can easily find myself uncomfortably aware of our differences.

Fortunately, I know that none of this is that significant and once I’ve had a chance to let my mind refresh all will be just fine.

Unfortunately, many of our married friends and various stories that we read have centered around the actual inability to refresh their relationships. The past year and a half have put extra stress on all partnerships, but even more so for those that may not have been totally solid in the first place.

The fact is that all relationships constantly require work whether in marriages or friendships or businesses. It is a balance of give and take, which ultimately means compromise – not competition. It may seem as if it is easier to give up, but one must truly determine if the grass is going to be really greener or not without rose-colored glasses 👓.

For me, life with M is worth any and every compromise I have to make. Before, with L, it was not and so I was willing to walk away. Although the consequences of a decision are not always easy to experience, the decision itself should be easy. Will life truly be better without the person in question in it? If the answer is yes, then by all means work toward making as clean a cut as possible.

However, if the answer is no, then consider what compromises you are willing to make to ensure that you do not lose him/her.

Often, we can get stuck in being stubborn and trying to prove a point. But, the truth is that it might be worth the so-called ‘win’ in digging our heels in.

Many marriages suffer as a result of lack of money 💰 or sex. Most partners will say that they still love each other, but one of the above causes stress or does not interest them. Usually, it is also a misled romantic idea that having both or either one will solve problems. Actually, not having either one (and both) can be the cause of problems.

Lack of sex

I’ve written about Japan before and how almost 100% of marriages end up with the woman no longer wanting to carry on their sexual relationship with their partners. In the same post, I think, I wrote about Matthew McConaughey’s statement about the need to continue to maintain a sexual connection in a marriage.

As a woman, I completely understand why women might stop making an effort and reject advances regularly. Our hormones go crazy and affect our sex drive. We are tired from playing multiple roles throughout the day. We may even not really ever enjoy the experience anyway. So, of course, we want to say NO, especially if we aren’t even going to benefit from the effort in the end.

Unfortunately, men can only take rejection so many times before they hit step one – get mad, then step two – get pushy, and finally step three – give up, which often leads to looking elsewhere. While they do not have to follow this trajectory, it is a little bit understandable that many do. (By the way, I’m not at all condoning affairs, etc.) Therefore, women do have some responsibility in this to figure out how to avoid this pushing away, but hoping they don’t go pattern. To put it bluntly, sometimes we just need to spread our legs and take it (obviously, only within a loving relationship)! It is but a few minutes (at most) in our day – every few days at most – and it gives our man relief and acknowledgment / appreciation of their manhood in our lives.

I realize this may sound somewhat barbaric or conservative, but I look at it as meeting basic human need and a necessary “giving” in the give and take balance of a partnership.

Lack of money

In most cases that I come across, it is the woman who worries about the financial stability of the household. Many men barely know how much things cost and so they just focus on the making of it.

Men trust themselves to be able to make money, survive, and/or take care of their families. They also “trust” us women to keep everything else moving along so that they can do their part.

Unfortunately, what I see in marriages/relationships that are struggling financially is a lack of trust for one or both sides to “do their part”. I’m not saying that it has to be the man who makes the money, but this tends to be the more common dynamic in the circles I live in. I imagine it is the same no matter who is the so-called breadwinner.

Trust has to be there in the agreement of the partnership. At some point, whether through discussion or default, a conversation/understanding has to be reached in who is going to be the higher earner. Therefore, when money becomes tight, there needs to be trust that both parties are working for the good of the household and trust must be there that indeed ‘everything is going to be fine’.

As a far too young couple, L and I had our struggles not just as married 20-somethings, but my trust in him was lost and consistently chipped away in every area to the point that it made my belief that life would most definitely be better without him an easy decision for walking away. However, with M and I, we had our struggles very early on in our relationship, but have continually built trust with each other in all areas – especially sex and money – so that every compromise is worth it for both of us.

To me, life has often been in clear shades of black and white. Sometimes, I acknowledge grey areas. However, in love and marriage, I truly believe that even in the foggy morning hours, choosing to take actions that satisfy my desire to be with my life partner is simple.

~T 😀

Communication – Open and Honest

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 012021

Communication is the thread that connects all of us together. It is when we cut the lines or allow them to get tangled up that almost every problem arises.

These days, I am one hundred percent convinced that too much is shared with the general public. We have confused the concept of “open communication” with “transparency”.

The truth is that no one really wants transparency as a two-way street ↔️. If we did, we would all live in glass houses and be content for everyone to be all up in our business. When people cry for transparency, it is almost always a one-way street ➡️.

Instead, I suggest that we have open communication.

Through a dialogue, we can work through our differences and come to an understanding, even if it is to respectfully “agree to disagree” 🤝.

With that said, I do draw the line in the sand when it comes to certain topics with people I barely know or when there is drink involved or when it is clear that the other party’s mind is sealed around their own point of view. It is in these instances that I tend to not take my own suggestion.

A few weeks ago, I watched and listened in awe as M had a lively discussion with someone regarding her vote for Brexit and conservative, patriotic view of the English empire and influence in the world. It was a respectful and open communication in every way.

On the other side of the table was her partner and another friend of theirs, who were mumbling their own drunken opinions that were more assumptive and presumptive of M as the debater against her views and further wanting to interject unhelpful comments. The man then turned to me asking why I was not participating in the discussion or engaging with them on the topic. I politely explained my steadfast rule of not talking about politics, money, or religion with people I don’t know very well especially when alcohol is involved.

He expressed frustration by saying, “Surely, you must have an opinion though on these topics.” To which I replied, “Of course, I do”. Then came the main point –

Him: “You might be able to change someone’s mind if you share your opinion.”

Me: “I do not need to change anyone’s mind and it really does not matter.”

Him: “But, why not?”

Me inside my head: “Because I do not care if you agree with me or not.” Instead, I just smiled and said, “I am happy to listen and respect the opinions that others want to share.”

He was not pleased with my answer and proceeded to stare at me in frustration and confusion that I would not engage with him or the discussion. Granted, he had had a few drinks 🍷 and I was completely drunk on water 💧. 😜

This exchange has given me a lot of contemplation, 🤔 though. Because, while I am absolutely an advocate for open and honest communication, I realized that I definitely have requirements on the conditions in which I feel this can happen.

As someone who doesn’t particularly like people in groups or en masse, I find that I struggle with allowing opportunities to connect with others if I do not see any future interaction or engagement with them. My jaded past and nomadic lifestyle has taught me to filter out the passing of people in and out of my life. Therefore, I have an inhospitable tendency to dismiss a chance to communicate openly and honestly with those I think it not worth the time and effort to have said open and honest discussions.

However, there have been a number of instances (especially of late) proving that the world has become smaller and the chances of never seeing that person, or someone who knows that person, again are much less than they used to be. So, perhaps I do indeed need to recalibrate my tendency and give people more of a chance and be more open to the opportunities to have deep, thoughtful, and possibly mind-changing discussions.

It will likely take me some time to get the balance right, but that is the joy of life – continuing to learn how to grow as a person and keeping the threads aligned through open and honest communication.

~T 😀

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