relationships – Creative Meanderings

On the Edge…

Mar 202025

The other day, I messaged with a writing adoptee friend as part of our regular check-ins with each other. She replied back that my list of goals and activities for the next two weeks made her exhausted reading it, to which I laughed. For me, it didn’t feel like much.

When one lives with a high-octane, super-charged speeding bullet train partner, anything else that anyone who is not him does may be considered as “not much”. While this can be very motivating to stay productive and active, it also has its downsides when it comes to more personal matters — especially for an introvert who needs time to process, recharge, and take action. There are times when the one-tracked fast train feels the need to play chicken with the multiple-stop slow-paced one.

It is in the game that I struggle. I dislike being pushed. I hate being made to feel stupid, wrong, or disrespected for my method, my way of thinking, my way of behaving. Furthermore, I feel hurt when things I share about myself are immediately turned against me in a joke, and then told that it is “what we do” when we banter.

We do banter. We don’t use the same tactics.

When the game is presented on his terms, there is no doubt as to who the victor will be — exactly as he wants it. It’s a power game.

Unfortunately, the power game also includes presenting himself as a victim so that it seems that I am the one not playing fairly, not playing according to his rules, not playing correctly. In the victim role, he claims I take things out of context. He suggests I am overly sensitive. He laments that he cannot say anything, we cannot discuss anything, or I get upset. He claims his reactions are my reactions because he only wants to see them in me.

Never in this “game” is it suggested that HE has a role as well or that HE is the contributor to and source of the response.

So, I find myself tired. I find myself a little depressed. I find myself on the edge.

I know it is not a malicious pattern. I understand that the best course of action is to “let him” be the way he wants or needs to be and focus on my own reaction, well-being, etc. I am trying to focus on all of the positive and healthy ways of responding. However, it is not an easy task.

There’s a concern that one day we will find ourselves like I see my parents sometimes. Neither speak of their inner thoughts and feelings to the other. Both lonely in their souls as they live with the one to whom they’ve committed their souls whilst in this life cycle. Together, they are great administratively. It’s a safe space for them. Separately, they both crave connection in the heart. So, it is with this in mind that I try to maintain awareness and conscientiously react so as not to pave a worn path in this behavior. Yet, patterns seem to repeat against my will.

Do I just not engage at all? How does that, then, play out?

Do I engage with caution? Does it, then, seem as if I am playing a power game against my wish?

You can see how this is a complicated road to take.

So, for now, we avoid the unspoken. Naively, we probably both hope that it is just a phase that will pass and we will be able to tell each other everything about anything, behave as we always have, and bygones will be bygones.

At the moment, though, I crave growth and change in a positive, upward and forward direction. Fingers crossed, we will head that way together.

Poor Men? Or, Go Ladies?!

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 182025

I feel as if I have written about this topic before, but it has come up again and so I shall comment on it based on recent conversations with friends and M. It started with the recent news of a celebrity figure announcing his split from his wife with whom he had been married for a number of years.

The reason for the split, as reported, was that he was a child and the subtext is that she had had enough.

Although social media and presentations given by men, no matter the platform, suggest that women let themselves go as they get older, or that women are the ones who are not “enough”, reality provides the complete opposite side.

In my circle of friends, there are a number of ladies who have beautiful hearts, are intelligent, successful in what they do, and have so much love to give. Yet, these ladies struggle to find a man who meets them where they are; basically, so many men fall short of expectations, hopes, and desires.

Why is this?

The fact of the matter is that most women find peace and calm in not having a man in the house. Couples who split after the children are gone, are likely – according to my observations – because the woman is tired and not willing to continue both mothering and wife-ing for just their husbands. Women need and want men to step up to the task of being more than just a financial earner, if that is the traditional role they have settled upon, or the “fun-parent” who can offset the parent dynamics when raising children.

While all people can behave at the emotional level of an eight-year-old, most women are also able to run a house and hold down jobs at the same time. Indeed, most men can as well. The difference is that, sadly, many men do not see that there is (or should be) a partnership in the home. Even if the woman does not “work” outside of the home in a traditional job, there is a lot of work that gets done inside the house. Many regular jobs have clearly defined tasks that are often limited to the role that one is paid to fulfill. However, in the home, the tasks are endless without limits.

Now, of course, there are “man” jobs (blue jobs) and “woman” jobs (pink jobs) in many homes. For example, tradition has determined that a man takes out the garbage, does DIY fix-ups, maintains the cars, etc. Meanwhile, the woman does the cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc.

What I’d like to point out in just this short list of tasks above is that when a mess is made, or there are more mouths to feed, the size of the task increases for the woman. Yet, the tasks for the men are consistent in size, even if there are more of them at times. This increase of load for a woman can be exhausting. So, now imagine the unstated relief of a semi-retirement phase when the children finally leave home since the load will ideally decrease, but the man carries on leaving his clothes around or dirty dishes out, or not appreciating the food made. It is sort of no wonder that a woman might get fed up.

I’m not saying either is right or wrong. I’m just saying that I can sympathize with women who say they have had enough after many years.

At the same time, I can also feel sorry for the men who may be bewildered by the change since for them life seemed to just go on an usual. Unfortunately, without an awareness or communication about the new phase of life between the couples, it can lead to a preference to have one’s own life.

Yet, going back to the circle of single lady friends I mentioned before, many women do want to be with men. They just want them to be considerate, capable, and well, trained!

As for me, I feel lucky every day that M and I have a balanced division of roles and that they do not necessarily always follow the traditional ones. We also communicate regularly and openly about how we feel about tasks or where we are with each other. Conversations may not always be kind or happy, but by having them we give each other space and respect to voice our views openly. Then, it is up to each person to decide how to help or worsen the situation.

Sadly, for the couples who decide they cannot find a path forward together, it can be too late. Happily for me, we both never want it to ever become too late.

Small Town Regrets

Going Mental No Responses »

Nov 042024

I keep meaning to sit down to write, but catching up on “normal” life and trying to see local friends has made it more challenging than I had anticipated in settling into routine. I feel as if I’m running on fumes. Perhaps, that is also because I might have the tinge of a cold threatening my head and body…but anyway…

Since I’m already behind with updates on travels, let me push it off a bit longer. I’ll get to it eventually, not to worry.

For the moment, I got hit with a rude awakening of what small town life is like and a reminder to renew my previously held vow to never do anything that will cause me to be the center of the town gossip. Unfortunately, I actually have no recollection of doing as reported, but since it was confirmed by the person who received the harsh, unkind, and unintended words during a night of too much tequila, I cannot get away with denying it as I did when it was initially reported back to me that I had said such a thing.

What was it, I said?

Apparently, I said someone’s book was sh*t. Even worse than that I said it to the author herself in a belligerent drunken state. Of course, it was unintended. Yes, it was really harsh and unkind. Furthermore, it was probably embarrassing to her as I did it in front of other people. Worse of all is that in my sober mind, I would never ever say such a thing to anyone who has written something, put it out into the world, and made themselves vulnerable to critique. Yet, it happened.

I have apologized. I definitely regret that it was said by me, and that I cannot even remember doing it.

With the attitude of taking responsibility, I also renew my vow to never get drunk or do anything “interesting” in front of people who live in our proximity. I knew that I didn’t trust them to not find a way to create a gossip chain, spread stories, and revel in the ignominy of another person. On top of that, I haven’t even been around to explain or defend myself, even if I wanted to do so.

For a while, I had been trying to figure out why I prefer my friends in France over the ones we have made in Italy. This situation clearly illuminates what I couldn’t before explain.

My friends in France never spread stories about each other. What happens at a party stays at a party. What is said at a party stays at a party, or is discussed privately between the speakers should there have been a possible issue. No one tries to create a rift, shine someone in a negative light, nor put themselves in the center to garner sympathy or attention. It’s never about tearing someone else down, but always about focusing on the fun. With that sense of security, there is freedom to be ourselves, enjoy each other’s company in a safe space, and bond in those moments.

Instead, I have mostly spent three years on guard when we have get-togethers – even in my own home. I have said many times that I never want to be the source of the gossip that goes around town. Yet, here I am finding myself in the middle of one unintentionally because I made the mistake of getting really drunk at a party that we hosted and opened our home to over a hundred guests to….

Again, I do not shirk my ownership of saying the words I said nor that those words caused negative results. I own it. I regret it and have apologized for it. So, it’s time to move on with lesson learned and gut understanding reaffirmed.

In the future, no opinions will be shared unless it’s on the mundane, no judgments will be spoken, and trust will not be given to anyone outside of my inner inner circle. It’s sad to not have a safe zone, but alas it is what it has proven to be.

It’s Me…Not You/Them

Going Mental No Responses »

Jul 222024

Being independent in thinking, persona, and image can leave one (me) with a sense of loneliness, even when I am surrounded by others, most especially by those I actually like.

I have always been a trend balker. If something becomes trendy, I actively go the other way to avoid being considered a follower or a joiner. In Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken, he ends with the statement that taking the less traveled path has made all the difference. While there may be many a discussion on whether or not he is expressing this in a positive or negative tone, I have always taken it as a positive.

So, it is to my own dismay that when I hear of others, whom I like, getting together without a mention or invite directed toward us I get a tinge of jealousy/envy. It sparks questions that I normally do not allow to enter my thought processes. However, for a few hours or a day, they take over the forefront of my ponderings.

Why wasn’t I/we invited? Are we not really friends? Is it me? Is it him? Is it them? Did I do something? Am I not likable? Was I even here and able to go if I had been invited? Why do I care, really?

The answers aren’t actually that important, nor are they going to change my behavior – unless it really is a disliking of me kind of situation.

It’s more a curiosity as to why I might take it personally at all. I am not a FOMO kind of person. I don’t like large groups anyway. Yet….

Perhaps, it is because when I do reach out for a quiet coffee with some, I get lukewarm replies. Not straight out cold ones, but enough of a ‘no’ to make me feel okay about it. Then, I find out she/he/they have been hanging out with others I have made similar offers to, but not been included in. A less confident, self-assured person might take that as a true personal slight.

Then, I remind myself–I don’t like groups or doing things in such a way. It’s not my nature to join sporting activities, especially in groups or teams. It’s not my nature to do things just because others are. Therefore, there is nothing to feel upset about or to take personally. It is what it is and who I am.

So, after a short reflective semi-pity/perturbed party, I’m OK. I’m looking forward. I have plenty that I enjoy doing and much happening in the coming days. I’ll enjoy our moments together, but continue to not be dependent on having an active social life here; for now.

It’s a good, busy week ahead, so better get to it!

~ T

Here We Go – 2024!

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 152024

Well, it is exactly halfway through the first month of the year and I feel good still about the last bit of last year along with the start of this one, so far. Unlike some years, I do not feel a sense of starting slow or that I need to rush forward. In a way, I feel for once I am perfectly placed and in the prime state of life on every aspect of my life.

Health

Usually, around this time of year, I feel far too overweight and slightly depressed about the state of my body. This year, I feel fabulously 47.5 and fairly fit. That’s not to say I don’t have some health goals this year, but it’s so nice to have a sense of starting off ahead rather than catching up.

So, in terms of physical health, I have a couple more kilos to drop for my target weight which is going to take a little bit of tweaking since we have been unsustainably been eating one meal a day around 2 or 3pm. When we are home and antisocial this is a fine way to be, but living in a Mediterranean culture means late dinners and social drinking. Therefore, finding a balance or rather counter-weight to the lateness of eating and drinking is necessary. This will probably be more of a trial and error method for a few months to see what works and what is sustainable.

Along with the eating habits, I’ll be focusing on getting in my steps, time in the gym for maintaining muscle mass – rather than bulking up -, and, of course, stretching through yoga for flexibility and movement.

Plus, I’ll be staying on top of our doctor checkups and all that good stuff. I plan to be able to say “Don’t hate at 48” with my healthy next winter bikini-bod! hahahaha

Relationships

Constantly, I am reflecting on my relationships and the nature of humans when it comes to connections. While I cherish all of my interactions with others, whether good or bad, I do not need to maintain or force the ones that are not purposeful or positively contributing to my life. Therefore, this year, I have decided to only make an effort great or small with those who fit the bill exactly.

This means that those who do not reach out to me or do not reciprocate invites, conversations, interactions will not be on my list at all to contact. Obviously, if they do make an effort I shall return the effort, but I don’t want to expend any energy considering my schedule, time, and the like. I imagine most people are already like this, but I have a tendency to expect, wait, and accommodate. No more, no sir.

A benefit of this is that I feel as if I have a lot more time and space now to organize and prioritize being with those whom I truly sense are “worth” it.

This includes time with family and dear close friends.

Work/Writing

This year, I have very big plans for my writing pursuits.

Publishing/Personal Writing

So, soon I will be working on advertising that I finished and published Volume 2: Healthcare of the Umbria On A Whim series. It is available on Amazon, but I will be upping my social media and online information with this. It is not meant to take over my life or other writing, but a slow and steady build into something sustainable and passive. Plus, I’ll begin working on Volume 3 and possibly 4 on Housing.

Also, I will finish my fiction novel this year. If all goes well, I hope to have a first draft finished by May to then have beta reads for edits/feedback, and then go on from there. I want to have a completed final submission draft by the end of November so I am ready to submit to some fellowships/grants for 2025.

Plus, in other personal writing areas, I hope to start publishing some articles about travels, writing, adoption, life or whatever in some online spaces. So, stay tuned!

Work

Work is defined as anything that makes money. So, technically, my personal published books are now considered “work” since they are making money, albeit small amounts. Still, I do actually work for other paying entities. I plan to maintain the level of work I am doing for one online company since it is easy enough and gives me enough to pad a trip here and there. The other “job” has always been organically developed, so I shall continue with that as it seems that my role might be growing and work will come in as and when.

So, basically, I plan to prioritize my days with writing first and work second. I am aiming to treat my writing as a kind of job and starting out my days on those tasks before the “paid” ones. We shall see how I get on with that.

Well, that about wraps up my 2024 goals . We have quite a bit of travel planned or to plan this year so it has been important to align my personal goals with a more nomadic lifestyle. I’m really looking forward to our travels! Everything feels aligned this year so far. Maybe there is something to it being the Asian calendar “Year of the Dragon ”, which is my zodiac animal – though they say that Dragons should be cautious this year, so who knows?!

Unbalanced Conversations

Going Mental 1 Response »

Jul 212022

I remember yelling at my ex-husband once that not all stories were about him and that he didn’t always need to revert the conversation back to himself. He looked at me in confusion and said, “But, that’s how people relate and talk.” At the time, I just attributed his style of conversing with me, and others, as his ego and arrogance making him the center of EVERY conversation.

Sadly, social interactions over the years have proven that he was right.

Unfortunately, for me, I still hate it and want to scream when it happens!

Fortunately, I generally keep these thoughts/reactions to myself (this being one of the exceptions) and accept it’s more common than I would like.

However, I still believe it is about the ego. But, instead of arrogance I now attribute it to a lack of self-awareness and a need to prove one’s value, worth, and importance.

The truth is that I am on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to talking about myself, my opinions, and my experiences. Rather, I write these things, which is a kind of one-sidedness, but then the reader (you) can choose to walk away without hurting my feelings. I’m not saying it is better – just, that is me and how I relate and talk to others. I do not have a need to prove myself on any level to others – a different form of arrogance.

There is probably a bit of cause-effect happening if I do not talk about myself much, then others may feel the need to overcompensate by talking about themselves more. However, I challenge that logic with a question – why not just ask a question instead of making it about the self?

When the focus becomes constantly about the self, then the interaction no longer has a balance to it resulting in one (usually me) getting bored or frustrated with a conversation because one of a few things tends to happen: 1) stories get repeated, which is SUPER annoying to one who remembers they have already heard the story before, especially if a polite “Oh yeah, you told me that” does not deter the repetition; 2) the dialogue is no longer such, instead it becomes a monologue, which is only interesting in a play or scene of a film/show; 3) some kind of negative feeling and energy starts to seep in and settle whenever any further engagement is required making it somewhat challenging to deepen or further a relationship of any kind.

If I really am interested in someone I tend to ask them questions. If that person asks me questions back and listens without waiting for me to pause so they can jump in with their own story, then I feel seen and heard. This rarely happens, to be honest.

Often, I tell people that I don’t like people. It always makes them laugh with surprise at my bluntness and no one actually believes it. They assume it means that I don’t like to socialize or that I am quiet and shy – a common misnomer of an introvert. Recently, I said maybe I should reword it to something like “I don’t trust people”, but upon thinking about that, it isn’t sufficient enough.

It is true that I do not trust most people, but it is more true that I don’t like people.

On the whole, I do NOT like people. People – as in the mass, a group of individuals, and all the social norms that are associated with people.

However, I DO like persons or individuals.

I cherish those I call friends – my definition is probably a bit different than most, but will save that for another pondering session. I enjoy socializing and time around individuals in groups.

Still, it is a fine line.

Not only do I get exhausted from being around others as an introvert, but my energy is drained even faster when I am around people. I do not thrive on monologic conversations. I do not thrive on the egocentric need to prove oneself through repetitive stories or always having to validate by listening to the rattling of their words. I find it on the same level as talking to children….

So, now that I’ve probably offended you as a reader, I will stop here. I do not mean offense. I just would like to implore all individuals to consider that conversations should be like a well-played tennis match. At the end of it, both should walk away feeling challenged yet satisfied.

Is that really too much to ask?

Just a Dip…

Going Mental 2 Responses »

Jun 142022

There can be such loneliness in togetherness. I imagine that those couples who decide to get divorced after 20+ years together best understand this sentiment. When there is no one and nothing left to justify the lack of communication, lack of interest in trying to be heard, lack of trying to be a unit, then it seems logical that one might prefer to be on their own and, possibly, reopen the door for someone else to fit into the space of companionship. For, at the end of the day, it’s not just about fulfilling physical needs that keeps a couple together after the initial newness in animalistic satisfaction wears off.

Despite my own partner’s claims that men are easily contented if their sexual urges are satisfied, and the need for intellectual stimulation is less important, I argue that this is a naive and overly simplistic way of defining what it means to be a life partner.

Obviously, this is a generalization on his part because intellectual stimulation is a do or die requirement for both of us.

Still, the way that we go about making an effort with one another can often feel unsatisfying from my perspective. As one approaching menopause, sex is of less frequent interest and a desire to be seen, heard and appreciated is on the increase. Thus, my intellectual stimulation threshold is much higher, but I have recently felt that has gone unnoticed, unacknowledged, and most definitely unaddressed.

Perhaps, it is more about the isolated lifestyle that we have undertaken than about our relationship. After all, we are indeed very much in love and have a generally enviable partnership (so don’t fret!). Still, I often feel isolated and alone.

There is no one to whom I can complain about our financial situation, his decision-making as it affects me/us, or the general challenge of being with someone whose work is a constant roller coaster. Actually, to be fair, there are people with whom I can share, but no one really wants or needs to hear my complaints as it can sound spoiled or too “first-world” problem-y to be taken seriously.

Thus, I am alone in my thoughts and angst much of the time.

One might wonder why or how I can be this way, but that’s not really the point, is it? It is how I feel. It is my reality. Ultimately, it is also up to me to sort it out, cope, and get to the other side.

Still, it doesn’t make it easier nor less isolating.

So, I am sliding into this dip in my mood and taking the moments to nap, read as an escape, and wait for the next high wave to ride on back into a “life is wonderful and grand” mentality. Wish me luck!

~ T

Bringing Light and Leaving the Dark

Going Mental 1 Response »

Apr 212022

There are few things that trigger my negative psyche these days. Thanks to meditation, reading a lot of books for reflection, and general maturity in life through experiences, I always look inward before letting myself get absorbed by other’s actions or words. Introspection is a daily habit rather than a passing whim for me.

So, when I feel injured by others, I really feel it. It has been a long time since I have let myself invest in a space or be amongst others enough that I could potentially be personally injured, but after months of Zoom sessions, chats online, and what seemed like a good connection, I lowered my wall of protection. Unfortunately, due to money – of all things – wounds that I thought were healed proved to be merely scabbed over and when picked only a little, bled.

Regarding the money, I am responsible and I fully acknowledge it. While I do not have actual control over our finances nor much of a say as to my bank balance these days, I agreed to pay for a service and admit to falling short of that agreement.

However, the problem for me lies in the blurred lines of when service melds into relationships. Was I actually paying for readership of my writing? Was I paying for accountability partners? Was I paying for a support group? These are questions I am still processing answers to as I am not quite sure, or perhaps I am just not ready to accept the answers.

If I had stayed with my wall up and looked at the service as simply a service, I imagine I would not have entered that dark space of my mind so eagerly. However, the loss by being removed abruptly, by being shut out completely, by not having a chance for closure was an unexpected and unprepared for moment because I did let that wall down.

Possibly, if I had not gotten excited over the idea of having writing friends, I would have more thoroughly thought about what I was paying for; therefore, making my protective decisions more carefully. Still, hindsight is 20:20, right?

After wallowing for a couple of weeks, opening the dark space that consequently allowed in C19, and reorganizing my mental processes, I am slowly coming back up out of the abyss with a renewed vision and, admittedly, a reinforcement of protection. This is not to say that I am hardened nor closed off, but rather that I know now that I don’t want any aspect of money to determine the answers to my earlier questions. There is a time and place to pay for certain elements in the writing process – no matter how great or small the sum -, but my values are not respected if I allow myself to be in a place where money is more important than relationships, especially when it comes to writing, especially when there is a common understanding that rejection and abandonment are triggers, especially when compassion and empathy are meant to be at the forefront of the ties that bind.

So, without placing any blame on anyone or in any place other than myself and in my mind, I am pulling up my big girl pants and appreciating the experience and lessons learned as I move forward. My writing will get back on track and I am looking at how to create my own space and support networks that may still involve money, but will value the relationships more so that no one else will be forced to visit those dark recesses of their minds when all they want to do is to bring light through their writing. Stay tuned as the ideas develop!

Reflections: Week of Reflections 2

Going Mental No Responses »

Jan 062022

If reading my blog posts hasn’t taught you anything else about me, I hope that it has been abundantly clear that I LOVE a plan . Part of my planning process is – appreciating – what has worked and what has not.

Over a two-year-period, I used a bullet journal style of organizing, tracking, and recording various aspects of my life. In general, I’m a use fan of this method, but it was slightly challenging for me to separate areas as everything was clumped together in one big book. Therefore, this year, I have decided to start fresh with a new journal only for recording my thoughts or doing my warm-up writing before a full writing session. I also have a separate calendar book to hold my to-do lists and track my activities. These combined with my online Google calendar and tasks system should be effective in helping me stay on track each day. So, this is my literal appreciation and planning.

In other areas of appreciation, I touched on them a bit in my previous post. First and foremost is that we have a house ! It truly is the dream house that we manifested together with our list of wishes. Although we now have to focus on paying it off, we know that this is meant to be our home.

Furthermore, my efforts to find, build, and maintain friendships when we moved to France has paid off as I have a small but solid tribe to call my/our own even in a short time. Though they are all based in France, I am so appreciative of their open arms, generosity of spirit, and love of rosé ! I will try to work on finding Italy-based friends as well this year.

Obviously, The Universal Asian has seen great growth and despite a bit of end-of-the-year drama, I am proud of what it is today and excited about what it will become in the upcoming year.

So, these are the main highlights of my appreciation in the last year.

On to my planning for 2022!

As usual, I focused on six areas: health, finances, career/work, relationships, personal growth, and spiritual growth. I’ll just give a quick overview of where I hope to be in these areas by the end of the year.

Health:

Although my weight is not crazy and I eat fairly healthily, there is always room for improvement. Middle-age changes to my metabolism and body shape as well as ability to maintain has been challenging to get a solid hold on. Therefore, I am aiming to drop to my ideal weight of 56kg (currently around 64kg – did I just share that?!). Once I hit it, I hope to maintain it.

Also, I had a goal of being able to do pull ups, which didn’t quite ever come to fruition. However, now that we have a fully functioning gym in the house, I am going to work on training to be able to do pull ups!

Since I think that a six-pack is not likely to ever happen and I actually don’t think it looks that good on a middle-aged woman, I am aiming for a toned four-pack by the time my bikini body is exposed (around April/May). With a bit of weight loss around the middle and concentrated exercises, I think this is feasible.

Finally, my goal is to help support M in his own weight loss and fitness journey with healthy eating and regular fasting – which will likely coincide with my regular writing retreats.

Finances:

Without giving too much public information regarding our finances, I just want to say that the focus this year is to be 100% debt-free. Given the improved conditions of our finances from just a year ago, I firmly believe this is possible and will strive to ensure that we can happily report that all our income is ours by the end of the year. **This is easier said than done as my other half hates paying bills…**

Career/Work:

As I no longer really “work” or have a formal career, all of these goals relate to building up The Universal Asian. I’d like to get to the point that we are generating at least $5K per month to cover current costs and increase other budgets. It really doesn’t seem like much, but it is a slow process as we need to increase our engagement numbers through social media and the site itself. I’m also hoping to increase our team members and writers/contributors. So, again, nothing impossible, just need to stay focused on the prize !

Relationships:

This is somewhat COVID pending as the world of travel as we once knew it seems to be gone. However, I want to, at least, see my parents and family sometime this year. It may not be until the end of the year, but that is a priority for sure.

Also, I’ve already put a new time limit on my social media apps from 2hrs to 1hr and my goal is to get to 30mins per day. No more than that! Whenever I feel the urge to pick up my phone or iPad to mindlessly scroll, I am going to try to make myself read instead. This way I can also meet my goal of reading more.

Finally, I sort of gave up on trying to stay connected with old friends last year and perhaps before as I felt that it was too one-way. However, for the people of whom I think on a regular basis, I will aim to make more of an effort to be the first to reach out to them every so often rather than wait as there is no gain in a one-sided battle of wills.

Personal Growth:

This is my year of writing. Everything related to my personal growth goals this year are connected to what I want to achieve in my writing with the help of my writing tribe – Adoptee Writer’s Experience (AWE) led by Ann Peck.

Therefore, I have already scheduled in my weekly writing dates at a cafe in Orvieto. Also, I have let M know and scheduled regular writing retreats every six weeks or so. This means I will book a hotel in Rome or somewhere else to escape distractions that might take me away from writing. The cost of this will be less than a short writing retreat and gives my introverted nature a break from social interactions as well.

With all of this, my goal is to submit two short stories to pre-determined submissions and have a draft of my first novel by November.

Spiritual Growth:

This area went up and down over the past year as I taught a few yoga classes and then didn’t, but managed to maintain my own practice regularly so that it is rare for a day to go by that I don’t do yoga.

Still, I have realized that I am missing the massive benefits that daily meditation brings me. I pushed it aside a bit, but am now trying to reprogram it in each day. I’ve started with pre-sleep meditation and eventually want to put back in a morning sit as well.

Furthermore, I am hoping to read at least seven “spiritual”/philosophy/self-help books:

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi – I’ve already started this as an audiobook
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield – Already on my bookshelf waiting to be opened
Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
Yoga of the Subtle Body by Tias Little
Bhagavad Gita by Eknath Easwaran
The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
Letters from a Stoic by Seneca

These are not in any specific order and when I say ‘read’, I also mean audiobooks as I tend to absorb nonfiction better aurally.

So, there you have it. My – planning – for 2022 is written in the end of my bullet journal book to round off the book and the year; and now it is here as a sort of accountability space.

Here we go!!!

Reflections: Making Life Meaningful

Going Mental 1 Response »

Dec 142021

Relationships always have ups and downs, whether romantic or platonic. I value my relationships as treasures and gifts that can never be replaced, because – well – they can’t.

Whether or not one believes in God or a higher being, it shouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination nor acceptance to acknowledge that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Sometimes these reasons are to teach us something, sometimes it is to teach them something, sometimes it is out of convenience, sometimes it is for forever; always it has meaning.

M and I have observed/are observing a few marriages/romantic relationships struggling and it is a sad process to watch.

Having had our own relationship demises, we discuss how and why connections seem to go wrong. I love this aspect of M because he reflects, processes, and adjusts himself to ensure that mistakes aren’t repeated to jeopardize the strength of his relationships.

Likewise, I do the same.

Also, I stand fast to the belief that we need to communicate more. So many people want to poo-poo the fact that feelings are talked about or dismiss the need to get things off our chests. However, I maintain that, aside from the outrageous consumption of sugar and other chemicals, the reason cancer runs rampant is because we hold on to the darkness of thoughts, energy, and feelings. While we may not be able to control environmental impacts on our health and quality of life, we can most definitely control our consumption, exposure, and expression.

M, being British, sometimes justifies that culturally English people do not speak so much of feelings and that therapy is an American concept.

I argue that while that may be true, and generationally it doesn’t matter the country/culture, it doesn’t make it right or healthy. I’m not saying that we should talk about every single emotion or thought that passes through our minds/hearts. I AM saying that we should talk about what we hold onto that doesn’t serve us in creating lightness in our lives. Holding grudges, becoming bitter, mumbling and grumbling are not necessary to life. They are indeed a fact of life, but we are not required to hold on to them or let them perpetuate until they grow into dark cancerous bits that take hold of our souls.

This is not to say, either, that we should run away from the problems that come up including another human being – especially one that we are committed to (legally or not). This is the modern-day response to “removing negative influences” in our lives. Nothing is gained from running away either. Working on the relationship and then agreeing to walk away or one realizing that it is detrimental to their life to stay is not considered running way, but being wise in severing that connection for their well-being.

For me, my greatest learning in life has been communicating what is in my heart and mind. I do not have verbal diarrhea, and I do not walk around with my heart on my sleeve. However, I think I can proudly claim that I do speak my mind when I feel that it is important to do so.

M and I have a fairly healthy way of sharing with each other moments of annoyances (before it escalates to a fight), requests to avoid projecting our own issues on each other, or a need for some temporary space to process what we need before sharing or discussing it with each other. When we fight, which is not that often, we do it fiercely but we come back later to rationally explain and listen to each other’s points of views. We may choose to agree to disagree, but we respectfully acknowledge the other’s side. We also agreed very early on in our marriage that we would never ever throw out the “D” word in arguments nor even joke on it as an option because it begins to fray the binds that connect us and we do not want to do that – ever.

So often after we discuss with people who are struggling and we share with each other what was said – we do tell each other EVERYTHING – it almost always boils down to the fact that they don’t communicate nor listen to their partners. Imagine what healing and positivity could arise if they were able to communicate, listen, and be heard?

Life drives meaning and purpose from these two simple actions: listening and speaking. These can be done aurally or in writing. Still, they must be done. In doing them, we learn about each other, we gain respect for one another, and most importantly, we come to understand others and ourselves better.

Thereby, making our lives even more meaningful!

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