Step One – Awareness

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jul 052024
 

I’m back on a routine and feeling both happily productive yet somewhat lackluster in my sense of accomplishment each day. It’s not like I don’t have plenty to do or to keep me busy. Still, sometimes it does feel as if it is just busy work that I am doing to pass the time.

Of course, it is meaningful to keep a clean house, do laundry, and such. I don’t really do anything outdoors these days as it is hot 🥵 and the mozzies 🦟 are out, but the mornings are nice for enjoying a cup of coffee. Yet, I haven’t even been doing that until this morning when M asked what I was doing after I had come directly to my dark, cool office to sit at the computer to get work done. It really didn’t occur to me to go outside for a bit.

So, perhaps I’m vitamin D deficient, and it is affecting my mood. I will try to work on that and go outside a bit more now that I’m aware.

Equally, I need to return to prioritizing writing. I’ve allowed myself to get out of the habit of journaling every single day. Partially because my journal is crammed with cards and papers that it is hard to write on one side of it, but really I just allow it to be an excuse to not write. When I don’t write, it’s like being constipated. The build up becomes too much. I need an outlet for my thoughts and inner emotions since I’m not an outwardly emotional person.

Furthermore, since deciding to publish a poetry book, I have come to a full realization that I have always been a poet. From the time I started writing journals at eight-years-old, I also started writing poems. My first coloring, writing books were filled with my naive poems. Poems have always been a constant along with my journals. Because I can often scribble out a poem quickly, I forget that it is a craft, an art, a creativity that needs an outlet.

Then, there is the craft of writing a story. My fiction novel has been pushed aside again in my mind and priorities. Perhaps, I am afraid of the need to dig into my memories and feelings to write some parts. Perhaps, I am afraid it really isn’t that good. Perhaps, I am just afraid. I need to ponder and see what my mental obstacle might be on it. In the meantime, I have a new idea to work on some short stories along with my poetry.

The fact is that as long as I’m writing and producing something regularly, I’m happier than when I just manage to get tick off the items on my todo list. More than likely, my sense of accomplishment and contentment is when I have written something meaningful (to me, at least) in a day. So, why am I not ensuring I do this every day? 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

I have no acceptable answer. 🤪

They say awareness is the first step. So, step one ✔️! Now, to do something about it. I shall ponder today on what that looks like and revert back on Monday. Stay tuned!

Have a great weekend y’all!

~ T 🔥🐉♋️

How IKEA Promotes Personal Growth…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 292024
 

Don’t let the cute image fool you. It was a weekend of labor and not necessarily a labor of love.

Part of our nesting activities has been planning what kind of wardrobe situation would work best for us as our current one is included in the ensuite bathroom. Since we are planning on remodeling the bathroom to a more open and spa-like relaxing space, we had to figure out alternative options for the clothes.

We considered knocking down a wall and creating a full walk-in wardrobe out of one of the bedrooms, which I am using as my office. However, that seemed a bit much given I don’t want to live nor lounge in the wardrobe. We also looked at building a walk-in version within our bedroom since we have the space, but after laying out the measurements it became clear that it would crowd the bedroom which is not what we wanted.

So, in the end, we went with a personalized IKEA project where we could design all the insides to our/my heart’s desire and make use of the wall space without sacrificing the room space.

We also agreed that we would pay someone(s) to put it all together. Instead of hiring through the IKEA service, we offered the task to a friend – paid, of course…. Now, let me say that what I am about to rant about is not 100% the fault of this person since it is indeed a complicated project that requires knowledge of the design and understanding that IKEA has this business of building things down to a science; therefore, one must know to trust the process/system. Still, the moral of this story is to not mix friendship with business of any kind – even if one thinks “It’s just IKEA.”

The pieces were delivered the week before last with the exception of some of the internal pieces. The construction started on Monday last week. I cannot upload videos for some reason here, but by Thursday midday of last week, only the outside pieces were finished (like the first image below). One or two bars were in place, but that was it. The explanation given for the lack of further progress was that not more could be done without the remaining internal pieces that we had planned to pick up on Friday. I called B.S. 😣

It surely does not take 3.5 days to put together 9 “boxes” and three bars. The doors were not on. The inserts were not in. The wardrobes were stuck into the wall for no reason as that is the last thing that should be done. The “boxes” were mostly attached to each other, but again did not yet need to be done especially since we discovered that they were pieced together incorrectly in the corner which required us to take apart all the attachments to fix it.

Over the weekend in less than eight combined hours, M and I managed to do more than what was done over three days of five hours per day and probably two hours the last day. That’s crap 😡 – sorry, but not sorry.

Again, it did help to know what everything should look like even though I also still needed to consult the IKEA design page, but ultimately I realized: 1. Just because one is paid to do a job does not mean that they care about doing a good job. 2. Hiring friends to work for you leaves room for too much leniency when it comes to professionalism. 3. There is a reason for the addage “If you want a job done right, do it yourself.” and 4. It takes a certain mindset to get over your own ego and accept that if there are extra pieces or something doesn’t fit, it isn’t because the producer messed up in their parts or instructions – it’s actually YOU.

Furthermore, I discovered that personality traits are extracted in full when it comes to these kinds of projects. Some people are impatient, throw tantrums, and yell at everything or everyone creating a heightened sense of stress. Other people remain calm, put their heads down to fix a problem if it arises and moves on to the next piece in peace. I’ll let you, reader, figure out whose personalities fit with which description here. 🤪🤪😅

So, we had a busy and bumpy weekend emotionally, but it is getting there. Ultimately, I remind myself that there is no real rush, these kinds of things are insignificant in the grand scheme of life and relationships, and there is always something to learn from experiences like this. Thus, I take it as a chance to grow within myself and adjust for the future. 😜❤️

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Bonjour de France! 🇫🇷

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Jul 172023
 

We are officially on our summer holidays! ☀️🎉

Although, to be fair, it doesn’t look or feel that much different from our regular days since neither of us “work” all day long. Plus, M is always “working”, so even when on holiday he is messaging, fielding calls, etc.

Still, the environment has changed and we have plans to explore a bit more of France and some islands over the next couple of months.

Yet…it has a sort of odd feeling to it as well.

This week, M is in the UK on his own doing a mix of work and pleasure traveling. This means I am on my own in our place in Lorgues, but without the puppies. 🐶 🥺 It’s best for them that we were able to find a nice couple, we think, to house- and pet-sit for us. Despite that, I had this weird sense of anxiety yesterday when I dropped of M at the airport.

Perhaps, it was a little bit of residue from the last time he left me on my own as it resulted in my ankle-break. Perhaps, it is some premonition yet to be known. Or, perhaps, it is just a jumble of emotions that are brewing inside of me in quietly coping with different levels of stress as we prepared to leave for about a month.

This is the first time that we have left the dogs for such a long period of time. This is the first time we have strangers in our house for such a long period of time. This is the first time that we have started to live the life that we want in having a home-base, but still be free to come and go in our travels around.

So, I suppose it is natural that we/I have this anxiety. Possibly, M manifested his anxiety through work-stress while I have buried it within until now.

Yesterday, when I got back, I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep without any disruptions or distractions. Although I had a dinner invite, I could not summon the energy to be sociable, try to speak French, stay awake. Even with a short afternoon nap that usually refreshes me for the late Mediterranean evening culture, I still could not find motivation. So, I stayed in – because I could! 🤪 I was in bed by 9 and probably asleep not that much later.

My sleep wasn’t great, but I was not awakened by anything other than my own alertness.

Thus, this week, I have planned to detox my body, reboot my physical health, and refresh my mind. I started this morning with an early walk and attempted a light job, which would be more aptly referred to as a fast-walk, but that’s OK. I prepped some lemon water, relaxed with my cup of coffee on the balcony, did some work, and am now already at the end of my to-do list for the day. Tonight will be my last solid food night for the week as I had already agreed to go out for unlimited tacos and rosé with music. Then, tomorrow, I go on my liquid detox of lemon water and smoothies to try to give my body a break from the booze and overeating.

To encourage myself, I have booked a couple of massages that also allow for a couple of hours at the spa as a way of mini-retreat treatments mixed in with a means of distraction from wanting to eat and of refreshing – one of my goals for the week.

So, I’ll be back towards the end of the week to let you know how it goes! 🙏🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Reflections: Into 2023 We Go

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Dec 232022
 

I wrote this as a draft for another article I was going to submit, but realized it was a bit too personal to share on a non-affiliated space. 🤷🏽‍♀️ There is some repeat from an earlier post last week, but in any case, I thought I’d put it here for record-keeping and, well, this IS an affiliated space for my personal musings. 😝 Also, as this is the sum of my reflections for my regular new year’s planning as I’ll take a wee break from writing for a week or so, consider it my 2023 resolutions post. ❤️

To be perfectly honest, my reflective behavior is usually focused on myself and only myself. 😜 Although this might sound enviable (or extremely self-centered) to many who struggle to embrace self-care, self-awareness, positive self-talk, etc., it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

For me, my introspective nature is an attempt to better myself as a member of society, a participant in my community of friends, a wife to my husband, a daughter to my parents, a sister to my brother, a writer to my unknown readers, and a representative to my fellow humans. In this attempt at self-improvement, as defined by the transcendentalists of 19th century America, comes a sense of exhaustion – quite the opposite to the goal our 21st century idea of “self -” promotes. 

So, as I reflect on the past year or so with the return of an adjusted-way-of-life post-COVID19, I am setting new goals for the next year – to be more SELFish. WHAT?! (a collective gasp might be heard).

I know – controversial, right? 

Let me clarify from the start, I will never be selfish to the point that it hurts another individual or at the expense of another human being (or animal, for that matter). It is not in my nature to be intentionally harmful to others; thus, it would not actually be selfish for me to behave in such a manner. Rather, what I mean is that my actions and activities this year are going to be focused on what benefits me as a person. Instead of reflecting on how my actions, thoughts, or words might be perceived or affected by others, I am going to consider how they affect me first and foremost.

An example of how this will play out is in my writing. For years, I have been writing for my own private audience of one – me! Although I do have public spaces like social media or a blog (or two or three), I do not advertise them outside of a subtle link on a profile page. In general, I prefer to work quietly from behind the scenes such as on The Universal Asian or my Medium page. However, this year, I will be focusing on building up my own space as OSH, where I’ll be sharing my own writing, services for Book Coaching and Editing, plus a subscription-based newsletter called OSH’s Letters where I will write to subscribers and share my worldview on the day-to-day experiences discovered on my journey through living on this planet. Much of the latter is still in the works, but do feel free to check the spaces often or go ahead and subscribe on the form provided to stay updated. See how my selfish act(s) work here – a shameless plug for my site(s), but no harm done, right?!

Other ways that this selfishness will play out for me is going to be in spending more time doing yoga and meditating regularly. Although this falls into a ‘self-care’ category, I also treat it as a self-ish time out for only me. It may be at the expense of others in terms of my available time to them, but rather than seeing it as harmful, I consider it helpful that there will be boundaries and by me taking this time for myself, I can be more present and purposeful when I do give others my time.

Also, I’m taking a page out of Tim Ferriss’s Four-Hour Workweek:  Life is now and I can live the lifestyle of a millionaire without having to actually be one – though I wouldn’t complain if that happened! Basically, after a summer as a revolving door of visitors to our new home in Italy, I am closing our open-door policy so that we can have time to travel ourselves. Although I fully enjoyed our visits, it was draining and we did not get to do our own exploring of places. Therefore, doors will still be open, just on a more structured timeline.

So, you see, it’s not that self is to be hyphenated this year, but rather it just is itSELF.

Here’s to an amazing year to the SELF. 

~T 🔥🐉♋️

2020: Pausing to Breathe

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Sep 072020
 

It is becoming popular to say “2020” sucks because of COVID-19. It is becoming acceptable to complain and then blame it on the year that so many claim has not happened nor looks like it will before 2021 arrives.

I am curious to know if there is a common introverted vs extroverted response to the evolution of this year, or if optimists react differently than pessimists.

As a realist, here is my take.

The abnormality of this year has been like hitting the pause button on a movie. As someone who actually gets overwhelmed by all the motion and noise of the world, this pause has been like going figuratively out into the woods to take a long deep breath of fresh, clean, pure air.

So, when I hear all the moaning of the noisy minority I think I feel a kind of personal affront to who I am because to be perfectly honest, this has been an amazing year for me. I will be remember 2020 as the year that the world stopped long enough for some of us to take a long deep breath.

In a way, we have seen a division in personalities.

There are those who have told me that all the negative realities of the world are overwhelming them mentally and physically that they are struggling to face the days. There are those who have told me that they feel trapped by the lack of travel or free movement. There are those who have told me that they are bored with their lives because they cannot “do” anything.

My response to those who are overwhelmed by the negative realities because they tend to spend the majority of their time on social media or watching mass media feeding their brains with all the negativity: turn off the noise!

My response to those who are feel trapped: exercise, plan an amazing trip for next time and save up all the money you can now so that when the freedom is returned you don’t look back and wonder why you didn’t prepare for travel and moving again. Be proactive and prepare!

My response to those who are bored: get over yourself and DO something for others. So many restaurants, organizations, programs are struggling. Look them up and offer to DO something or donate if you’re one of the lucky few who has the income to do so. There are a million things to DO in a day that there is really no excuse for this statement.

Now, before my reader says, but: Do you follow your own responses? I preemptively respond with a YEP. And, though it may mean I have to toot my own horn, here is what I have been doing that addresses these perspectives.

1. I have screen time set to turn off every day from 7pm to 5am and it’s off all day on Sundays with the exception of one or two apps that I might use or that I use with my family in case something comes up. I also look at social media twice a day for a max of about 30 minutes or I look for the sole purpose of the magazine to get more followers or contributors. None of it is allowed to be processed too deeply on a regular basis. I do not watch or read the news, so most information comes via word of mouth or an occasional headline that I might see.

2. I admit that this is a little unfair in that we are preparing to move countries and so I have this to look forward to sooner than most. However, as someone who is used to traveling every few months, it has been a challenge. Instead, I have focused on building up our savings account and ensuring that we have a fund to splurge out – plus that fund is allowing us to not stress over the big move.

3. Aside from starting the magazine, I have donated to a homeless organization, used smile.amazon.com to support a ‘charity’ organization every time we purchase something online, bought from local venues, sent random gifts to others, made gifts for others, and more. So, despite not being an overly charitable person, I have made an effort to push myself to be more generous.

I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I am trying to say that I am no one special and there are numerous times in my life when I could have said that I prefer the path of darkness, self-pity, anger, bitterness, and wallow in the murky waters. I could have found a number of people to support that way of thinking and to tell me that I deserve to feel that way. However, as Robert Frost wrote: I chose the road less traveled by.

To me, it’s the easy and lazy way to go with the belief that life sucks. It’s simple-minded to say 2020 is the worst year ever or to blame a year – which has no personified qualities whatsoever. Instead, it takes character, integrity and strength to find a path forward that inspires and leads to the best version of who I can be. I want to look in the mirror every day and be satisfied with the person looking back at me instead of dodging the mirror altogether or playing a negative tune at the reflection.

We all have the ability to be and do more. Just do it – one step at a time.

The Walls We Build

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 082020
 

I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse that the world has become more open to reflection, self-awareness, and mental health.

It’s interesting to listen to younger people dismiss the current talk of mental health in the same way that the older generations ignored it. At the root is the common belief that we can fix ourselves or that it’s something for others – who are weak; who are lacking in some way – never for us.

This is the very way of thinking that brought us to where we are now in the conversation and why those of my generation are drawing so much attention to the topic. And yet, it seems unique to the 20-somethings to respond with feigned annoyance to the seemingly over-emphasis on mental health that frequents advertisements, podcasts, and other social media platforms.

Over the past few months, I have found myself silent and slowly becoming opaque. In groups, I chose not to talk much. In writing, I chose to avoid.

With these main avenues of expression blocked due to my own fear, frustration, and futility I created a dam that inevitably would burst at some unknown and unexpected point of time.

And it did.

My poor unsuspecting husband received the trauma of my explosion. At the time, I could not pinpoint the source of the mighty geyser bursting through my tears and crazy tantrum. With a rawness from the emotion, I could not process sensibly where or why a small poke became grounds for defcon five.

Yet, as I reflect in the still tender parts of my heart and mind, I begin to unknot the threads that have unraveled in my sanity.

There is no specific starting point, but rather various bumps and pushes that build up like the tectonic plates of the earth that if rubbed too much in the wrong way result in a massive earthquake.

Because I chose to build up walls preventing any release of these feelings and emotions, believing they weren’t that important or that no one would really care, I created a preventable “disaster”.

Although, on one hand, I can justify the outburst with various rationales, finger-pointing, and the like, I’d rather reflect and understand so that a repeat offense is avoided.

While I am proud to be able to say, generally, that I know myself quite well, I am also more than aware of the sad reality that I can completely forget who I am; just as if I have had no previous knowledge or wisdom in the self-awareness category.

For example, sometimes as in introvert, I try to pretend that I’m not. I buy into the voices that tell me I don’t really need ‘me-time’ or that I am fine being amongst others 24/7. Or, I allow myself to struggle with the fact that I’m an adult and can take time out for myself if I want to, but fall into an unwarranted sense of pressure to not be ‘anti-social’. Yet, every time I listen to these voices or forget who I really I am, there is a downward spiral.

Eventually, I hit bottom, and like a grenade, can wound anyone around me from the shrapnel that flies with the explosive landing. Then, I have to climb my way back to even ground by rebuilding the scaffolds I destroyed on the way down, but are necessary to support my existence in the ‘balanced’ world.

To many, it is boring and horribly predictable to be so-called balanced. In every day terms, this means going to bed around the same time, getting up around the same time, eating a healthy diet, avoiding toxins whether liquid or human, etc. As many who know me are aware, I achieve this by setting alarms for these regular activities. I also plan, organize, make lists, etc. That’s not to say I don’t plan for spontaneity! 😛

For those who enjoy a more “chaotic” way of life, (and I imagine are extroverts) this may seem like a ridiculous way to live. Yet, for me, it is comforting. When I step out of the soft boundaries I have created, the unstable waves of the never-ending ocean begin to make me dizzy. If I pretend to be fine or ignore the symptoms, I eventually end up sick and tired (literally – I fall asleep when motion sick). Like when sick, I lose my voice and ability to stand to be seen.

Therefore, my mental health and sanity depend on reflecting and being self-aware. I think it’s important to share and know that we are not alone in how we feel or make our way through the world we live. While our experiences may be unique, we are never truly alone (much to an introvert’s dismay! 😉 )

My takeaway is, that no matter how much I might try to protect myself by building walls for whatever reason, in the end no one really benefits. Thus, with that, I am releasing my voice and bringing myself back into color and focus!

Watch out! 😛

~T 😀

The World of Binging….

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 042017
 

Meditation has taught me to control my mind, to sit no matter if my feet are falling asleep or a thought is not desired, to have patience with myself and to understand that all things pass.

In our teched up world of instant gratification, desire for immediate feedback and sense of self-importance, we can see how our actions every day represent a lack of self-control.

When a driver speeds by me to be able to stop at the next stop light first, I am enraged at the audacity of a person’s ability to threaten my life for his/her impatience. When a person pushes by me without saying “Excuse me” or noting my existence, I am beyond irritated at the lack of awareness of another human being. When someone calls me without using their brain first, I am indeed very impatient at their inability to use their time to save mine.

Yet, despite all of these negative irritations in life, I also take advantage of what our hyped-up world offers.

In the past week I estimate I watched at least 40 hours of TV from binge-watching Season 5 of House of Cards (13 hours); completing Anne with an E (6 hours – this week); catching up on Hawaii Five-O (5 hours); binge-watching Season 1 of GirlBoss (6 hours – 12 episodes); plus various other shows here and there that would make up the rest.

If I have enough time to watch all of this TV, surely I have enough time to complete the free Coursera Psychology course I am attempting to finish for the second time. Or, indeed I would have time to write more or do more online work. I could even finish at least one of the three books I am reading at the moment. So, no more excuses, really….

After our weekend of overdosing on TV, I am self-regulating by ensuring there will be no TV on in my presence until after 5pm. I used to say until 2pm, but I think 5pm is better for a while until we get a handle on ourselves again. 😉 After all, Game of Thrones is coming soon and so I need to save up my hours for then!!!

~T 😀

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