Love is not war

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 112021
 

Summer heat and being on guard for the potential blood-sucking fire starters on my skin keeps me from my usual blissful eight hours of subconscious escape these days.

In the early morning hours when my mind is not quite exhausted, yet not fully present, I find my thoughts drift in and out of relived conversations.

My husband strangely threw out that he didn’t take me as reflective or aware, which made me question just how well he knows me and recalculate his own seemingly self-absorbed arrogance to think so little of my consideration of others while holding himself in perfect esteem. My more rational self presumes that perhaps he was kidding or just trying to be inappropriately funny as is sometimes his wont, but in a tired fog my mind still whirls around with numerous possible, and probably incorrect, reasons.

There are times when I see just how much he takes for granted and wonder what other ways he finds himself inaccurately superior to me and my ways. I think that he confuses my sharing out loud the thought processes of my mind as the same kind of personal judgment and actual beliefs in my core. It is in these circular meanderings that I can easily find myself uncomfortably aware of our differences.

Fortunately, I know that none of this is that significant and once I’ve had a chance to let my mind refresh all will be just fine.

Unfortunately, many of our married friends and various stories that we read have centered around the actual inability to refresh their relationships. The past year and a half have put extra stress on all partnerships, but even more so for those that may not have been totally solid in the first place.

The fact is that all relationships constantly require work whether in marriages or friendships or businesses. It is a balance of give and take, which ultimately means compromise – not competition. It may seem as if it is easier to give up, but one must truly determine if the grass is going to be really greener or not without rose-colored glasses 👓.

For me, life with M is worth any and every compromise I have to make. Before, with L, it was not and so I was willing to walk away. Although the consequences of a decision are not always easy to experience, the decision itself should be easy. Will life truly be better without the person in question in it? If the answer is yes, then by all means work toward making as clean a cut as possible.

However, if the answer is no, then consider what compromises you are willing to make to ensure that you do not lose him/her.

Often, we can get stuck in being stubborn and trying to prove a point. But, the truth is that it might be worth the so-called ‘win’ in digging our heels in.

Many marriages suffer as a result of lack of money 💰 or sex. Most partners will say that they still love each other, but one of the above causes stress or does not interest them. Usually, it is also a misled romantic idea that having both or either one will solve problems. Actually, not having either one (and both) can be the cause of problems.

Lack of sex

I’ve written about Japan before and how almost 100% of marriages end up with the woman no longer wanting to carry on their sexual relationship with their partners. In the same post, I think, I wrote about Matthew McConaughey’s statement about the need to continue to maintain a sexual connection in a marriage.

As a woman, I completely understand why women might stop making an effort and reject advances regularly. Our hormones go crazy and affect our sex drive. We are tired from playing multiple roles throughout the day. We may even not really ever enjoy the experience anyway. So, of course, we want to say NO, especially if we aren’t even going to benefit from the effort in the end.

Unfortunately, men can only take rejection so many times before they hit step one – get mad, then step two – get pushy, and finally step three – give up, which often leads to looking elsewhere. While they do not have to follow this trajectory, it is a little bit understandable that many do. (By the way, I’m not at all condoning affairs, etc.) Therefore, women do have some responsibility in this to figure out how to avoid this pushing away, but hoping they don’t go pattern. To put it bluntly, sometimes we just need to spread our legs and take it (obviously, only within a loving relationship)! It is but a few minutes (at most) in our day – every few days at most – and it gives our man relief and acknowledgment / appreciation of their manhood in our lives.

I realize this may sound somewhat barbaric or conservative, but I look at it as meeting basic human need and a necessary “giving” in the give and take balance of a partnership.

Lack of money

In most cases that I come across, it is the woman who worries about the financial stability of the household. Many men barely know how much things cost and so they just focus on the making of it.

Men trust themselves to be able to make money, survive, and/or take care of their families. They also “trust” us women to keep everything else moving along so that they can do their part.

Unfortunately, what I see in marriages/relationships that are struggling financially is a lack of trust for one or both sides to “do their part”. I’m not saying that it has to be the man who makes the money, but this tends to be the more common dynamic in the circles I live in. I imagine it is the same no matter who is the so-called breadwinner.

Trust has to be there in the agreement of the partnership. At some point, whether through discussion or default, a conversation/understanding has to be reached in who is going to be the higher earner. Therefore, when money becomes tight, there needs to be trust that both parties are working for the good of the household and trust must be there that indeed ‘everything is going to be fine’.

As a far too young couple, L and I had our struggles not just as married 20-somethings, but my trust in him was lost and consistently chipped away in every area to the point that it made my belief that life would most definitely be better without him an easy decision for walking away. However, with M and I, we had our struggles very early on in our relationship, but have continually built trust with each other in all areas – especially sex and money – so that every compromise is worth it for both of us.

To me, life has often been in clear shades of black and white. Sometimes, I acknowledge grey areas. However, in love and marriage, I truly believe that even in the foggy morning hours, choosing to take actions that satisfy my desire to be with my life partner is simple.

~T 😀

The things we don’t talk about…

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Jul 052021
 

One of the things that always made me look forward to aging is that I would be able to openly talk about a number of topics that most consider to be off-limits or somewhat taboo. For me, I always saw the benefit of being “old” as no longer needing to care so much about what might offend, embarrass, or put off someone, because the fact that we have had more experiences and longevity in life gives us that freedom/right. As a younger person, I never understood why we weren’t supposed to talk about things like sex, the body’s functions from periods to menopause to bowel movements, and the like. Some cultures, groups, or persons arbitrarily decided that it was uncouth to have conversation around the most natural and common of topics.

Thus, as part of my middle-aging process, I have decided – let’s talk about these things!

Sex

If there is ever any tension between me and M, that is not related to my fluctuating hormones or the effects of being together nearly 24/7 for the past year plus, it is usually over sex. He wants it more than I.

When I got married the first time, my dad told me that sex, money, and love (maybe – can’t remember the third thing, actually) are what can make or break a marriage. Without money and/or without sex, the love goes.

While we lived in Japan, the ongoing theme that came up frequently especially for foreign men married to Japanese women was that the sex had gone out of the marriage once kids entered the picture. So many couples stay unhappily married, even Japanese couples, because one partner has decided to no longer maintain their sexual connection. Upon further discussions, it seems that it isn’t necessarily just a Japanese female pattern, but that of many women (in particular) as we age. While Japanese culture has evolved to accept this natural deterioration and accepting that affairs or satisfaction may be achieved elsewhere, it is not so accepted in the Christianized West.

Recently, M and I listened to Matthew McConaughey’s book Greenlights (so good with his dreamy voice reading it aloud). McConaughey writes about ensuring that he makes time to physically connect with his partner not just because he likes sex, but also because it makes you feel closer to each other, because it makes you feel amazing, because it is what makes a marriage rather than a friendship – or words to this effect.

For whatever reason, we tend not to talk about sex unless it is with innuendos or the help of an inhibitor relaxer like alcohol 🍷. We tend to roll our eyes🙄 at the boyish remarks made about flirtatious behavior or sexual attraction to another. We tend to get embarrassed 🙈 by the talk unless it is in a joking manner. But, why?

In my view, I don’t particularly like the comedic factor because I used to take it as a personal attack on my lack of desire for the activity. It wasn’t from a lack of attraction, but mostly due to a number of excuses (yes, I mean excuses) for why I said “no” 🙅🏽‍♀️ to any advances made.

However, recently, I have increased my magnesium and Vitamin B intake, which has altered my responses to such advances and even has me making my own. While there is no hard scientific evidence to prove that this increase has contributed to my response, I can only anecdotally assume that it has had an effect. This leads me to the other topic that we don’t often talk about especially as women.

Our cycles

When I was of age to begin my journey into womanhood, I was taught about the physical reproductive systems in school and then left to my own discoveries without discussion from the women in my life. My mother’s surprised expression was a disappointment to my young self when I put “tampons” on the grocery list after having used hers for months.

As I now face that joyful peri-menopause and menopausal phase of life, I am again reminded of my disappointment that my mother, or any female older than me, had not shared about their experiences. Looking back on a period of time when my parents were not on the same wavelength, I later pinpointed a major contributing factor was my mom’s transitioning into the third phase of a woman’s cycle.

Once I did ask, or perhaps more realistically – accused -, my mother as to why she didn’t warn/tell me of these physical shifts that only a woman can relate to. The response must have been either avoided or unsatisfactory as I have no recollection of what she said. It’s possible that, like many reasons of her generation, it’s just not something that was/is talked about.

However, as I find myself spending time with more women and young girls, who are just starting out with their monthly cycles, I want to encourage us all to talk about it. It’s not like it’s a secret that we bleed 🩸 out of our vaginas once a month or that someday we will stop doing so. Therefore, why not share and commiserate as we transition in and out of these phases? 🤷🏽‍♀️

As you can probably tell, a running theme in my ponderings of late relate to the things we do and don’t talk about. While I may not talk to just anyone about everything, I still think that everything should be talked about to at least someone. 🤪

~ T 😀

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