Small Town Regrets

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 042024
 

I keep meaning to sit down to write, but catching up on “normal” life and trying to see local friends has made it more challenging than I had anticipated in settling into routine. I feel as if I’m running on fumes. Perhaps, that is also because I might have the tinge of a cold threatening my head and body…but anyway…

Since I’m already behind with updates on travels, let me push it off a bit longer. I’ll get to it eventually, not to worry.

For the moment, I got hit with a rude awakening of what small town life is like and a reminder to renew my previously held vow to never do anything that will cause me to be the center of the town gossip. Unfortunately, I actually have no recollection of doing as reported, but since it was confirmed by the person who received the harsh, unkind, and unintended words during a night of too much tequila, I cannot get away with denying it as I did when it was initially reported back to me that I had said such a thing.

What was it, I said?

Apparently, I said someone’s book was sh*t. Even worse than that I said it to the author herself in a belligerent drunken state. Of course, it was unintended. Yes, it was really harsh and unkind. Furthermore, it was probably embarrassing to her as I did it in front of other people. Worse of all is that in my sober mind, I would never ever say such a thing to anyone who has written something, put it out into the world, and made themselves vulnerable to critique. Yet, it happened.

I have apologized. I definitely regret that it was said by me, and that I cannot even remember doing it.

With the attitude of taking responsibility, I also renew my vow to never get drunk or do anything “interesting” in front of people who live in our proximity. I knew that I didn’t trust them to not find a way to create a gossip chain, spread stories, and revel in the ignominy of another person. On top of that, I haven’t even been around to explain or defend myself, even if I wanted to do so.

For a while, I had been trying to figure out why I prefer my friends in France over the ones we have made in Italy. This situation clearly illuminates what I couldn’t before explain.

My friends in France never spread stories about each other. What happens at a party stays at a party. What is said at a party stays at a party, or is discussed privately between the speakers should there have been a possible issue. No one tries to create a rift, shine someone in a negative light, nor put themselves in the center to garner sympathy or attention. It’s never about tearing someone else down, but always about focusing on the fun. With that sense of security, there is freedom to be ourselves, enjoy each other’s company in a safe space, and bond in those moments.

Instead, I have mostly spent three years on guard when we have get-togethers – even in my own home. I have said many times that I never want to be the source of the gossip that goes around town. Yet, here I am finding myself in the middle of one unintentionally because I made the mistake of getting really drunk at a party that we hosted and opened our home to over a hundred guests to….

Again, I do not shirk my ownership of saying the words I said nor that those words caused negative results. I own it. I regret it and have apologized for it. So, it’s time to move on with lesson learned and gut understanding reaffirmed.

In the future, no opinions will be shared unless it’s on the mundane, no judgments will be spoken, and trust will not be given to anyone outside of my inner inner circle. It’s sad to not have a safe zone, but alas it is what it has proven to be.

~TπŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Compromises

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Oct 062022
 

Life is a constant up and down like a seesaw.

When I first saw the Korean version of this weird balancing device, I was confused as to why they would consider it play to ask kids/players to stand on the balancing board rather than sit as is the US way of play. I mean, talk about accidents waiting to happen! Over time, I came to appreciate the fact that play is really the teaching of real-life in a more protected, light-hearted, and experiential way. How much more directly can you find a way to learn that you need to find balance to stay up and you have to trust your partner not to knock you off the small little board. If either of you wavers, both are prone to a potential accident.

Also, I found that once one learned the art of the balance between two players, there was a lot more freedom in how one “flies” when the skill is mastered – just do a Google search for images and videos of how these players fly, somersault, and jump in the air.

Unfortunately, I never was brave enough to let anyone jump so much on the board that my feet left it, and am a little sad to admit that I really don’t like the idea of free-flying through the air without all kinds of safety equipment attached to me and below me. My risk-taking approval has a lot of qualifying requirements.

Still, the art of balance is often found in the ability to compromise. This compromise often requires a step forward and out rather than digging heels in with stubborn selfishness.

This week I was meant to go to Florence for another Writing Mini-Retreat on my own. I had booked everything, researched where to go, and was preparing myself mentally when I noticed M had a greyness floating over him for a couple of days. He has a constant state of stress around him anyway related to house financing, so I initially attributed his aura to that. However, when nothing was lifting it I asked directly to which he poured out his frustration on spending money always going out.

A regular point of contention between us is that life requires this outflow of funds. We cannot leave the house without spending money as that is the nature of experiencing life – no matter where we go or what we do. Things cost money. We cannot stay isolated in our home any more than we already do and my own ability to make an income is limited. Since this is the reality, I do not want to feel as if I am a captive in the house or a kept woman when it comes to living life – even if it is somewhat true.

So, when he openly confessed that he felt frustrated that it was going to cost money for me to go to Florence or for him to travel or for us to buy things that we need aside from food, I initially felt irritated. However, with some time and space, I admitted to myself that I didn’t necessarily need to go to Florence as I could try to do my writing locally to save our funds so that he could use the money to take his own break. Since I knew that asking him if he preferred me to do this would result in circular conversation, I made an executive decision to cancel everything for the trip. Luckily, I have long-learned that everything I book should have easy cancellation even if it costs a bit more.

In doing so, M initially tried to deflect and push back his sense of guilt for my action. However, I simply told him to just accept it, but not rub my face in it. I made the decision. I was OK with that decision. I also did not want to be reminded that I could have made a different one.

Through this decision, something magical happened. He reflected. Although he may not say so or realize it consciously, I know that me “sacrificing” the trip caused him to re-evaluate his view on our spending money. Taking our house payment issues out of the equation, we have more than enough money to save and spend reasonably. There is no need for us to feel like captives in our own (almost) house. There is no need for us to begrudge each other the desire to spend or go away for a few days to do the things that we want to do. We can afford it and we need – to some degree – to do it for both of our sanities.

So, like with a seesaw, we have to learn to trust each other and take turns as we allow the other to fly, jump, somersault, and soar in the air with the belief that the board will always be strong below to let us land safely.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

One to One

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 192020
 

If you look at my Facebook friends numbers, it says 914 as of today. One might think that I am a social butterfly with numbers like that.

However, it just goes to show how much numbers can be used to express, or give the perception of, something that is quite far from the truth.

Initially, I was going to write this post regarding my preference for just a few friends rather than many, but as I sat to write my mind drifted to the more current matter of how numbers are being used to try to convince people to “fall in line” with societal pressures to stay at home and socially distance themselves from others.

This morning, I read that to create prosperity we have to study about money (Rules of Wealth). In doing so, we learn the lingo and language, lifestyle and way of thinking that people with money, or who understand money, use to be wealthy.

The academic in me wholeheartedly embraces this advice. The anti-news consumer in me wholeheartedly rejects this advice. Somewhere in the middle is the skeptic who says that maybe it is true that if I don’t follow this advice I will limit my prosperity, but perhaps it also doesn’t hurt to learn a little bit and expand my knowledge base.

Most strongly, though, is my issue with numbers. Every day, we read about the latest numbers for the newly infected, deaths, and those hospitalized due to COVID-19. Now, these numbers can only reflect one piece of the bigger picture. Our attention has been trained to focus solely on the illness itself. Only this week have I started to hear discussion in the media regarding people’s livelihoods. Suddenly, with unemployment benefit applications rising to nearly a quarter of the US population there is interest in numbers related to the economy, households, etc.

The media is now going to force people to apply their emotional responses to the sad stories of those who are struggling because of the global shutdown. However, my issue is why wasn’t there some forethought applied before when decisions were made to blow numbers out of proportion scaring people into believing that it was a social responsibility to stay at home and close down the world? Where was the sense of social responsibility when it came to ensuring that people could pay bills, put food on their tables, and feel secure in being able to provide basic needs for themselves and their families?

I know I already ranted about this before, but when thinking about numbers again, I am amazed at the lack of desirability for the powers that be to make one to one correlations. I am amazed at how little skepticism is applied to what high numbers represent.

Just because my Facebook says I have 914 friends, does not make a one to one reality that they are all actually my friends.

It doesn’t seem like we need basic math(s) for that….

~T πŸ˜€

Day 2: #whyshewrites

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 022019
 

While I’m in the flow….

Favorite motivational quote.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~Aristotle

I do not know if this counts as a motivational quote, but it has been one of my favorite quotes since I was in college and fell in love with Aristotle’s teachings.

Although in college I really disliked my friends’ elitist attitude as I found it a way of puffing themselves up more than an expression of standards, I have perhaps come around to what they may have really meant.

I believe that anyone can be whatever version of greatness they want to be – according to their own definition of it. I also believe that everyone should strive to be better than who they currently are as there is always improvement to be made within ourselves. This is achieved through discipline and repeated behavior towards this betterment of the self.

For me, this quote has motivated me to do my best to maintain a high self-standard, which does often overflow to those with whom I surround myself – unfortunately for them? πŸ˜›

I do not apologize nor do I consider another option. As my father likes to say, “It’s hard to soar with eagles when you walk with turkeys.” This sounds a bit harsh, and I believe I have a bit more compassion and empathy for others than the quote might suggest. However, I do hold people to a very high standard.

Admittedly, I probably hide my elitist attitude (even from myself at times) as I’ve learned that it does not always serve me in relationships. In fact, I lost a friendship because of my lack of compassion and empathy since I had overestimated the understanding that I thought we had in how I view the world. While I am deeply saddened by the loss, I do not regret it in full.

In a recent conversation about this, it was suggested that perhaps I should be more flexible in my attitude knowing that my standards are impossible. However, I disagree. Instead, I consider it a challenge to continue to hold myself to excellence and encourage others around me to do the same.

My circle of friends is small, but it is not non-existent and I’m happy with it. There might be times when I’m lonely for my inflexibility, but I would much rather be lonely than constantly disappointed in myself or those whom I might call friends.

This way of thinking is also why I write. Through my written word, I can better explain my mind and view of the world. Time can be taken to process the words rather than the instant repelling of what I am saying.

For truly, who does not want to achieve and be excellent? To achieve and be, how else should it be done? As habit.

‘Nuff said.

~T πŸ˜€

Money Turns Green or Mean

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 302016
 

Some topics are generally shied away from – politics, religion, sex, and money.

Mostly I touch on these subjects freely, but lightly, even though I do not really know the breadth of my audience since this space is primarily for my own entertainment. Still, with the Internet the way it is and knowing that my digital footprint is rather huge, I try not to offend or be too obvious about my personal life. I even generally only use initials for names rather than reveal full identities of those in my life – though if you know me or see me regularly, you would probably know whom I refer to in my posts.

So, I hesitate a bit to write this knowing that there is a chance someone will read it fully aware of all the details. This is a chance I shall take as I feel the need to write, but will also attempt to stay as vague as possible on certain aspects. πŸ™‚

As may or may not have been clear from my posts over the past few months, we have struggled financially. This is something that I knew about fully going into my relationship with M. It was also an area of concern in early conversations with my friends about the future with M. However, love can conquer all and it can be fairly easy to ignore to such things when there is a steady income to allow for life to proceed superficially as normal. πŸ˜›

Once I quit my job we knew that life would be a bit of a struggle for us initially, but needing to learn a lesson in trust and letting go, we went ahead with the decision to give it a go so that I could be happier and pursue my business. I do not regret this decision by any means as I listen to my friends talk about their return to work. πŸ˜›

Still, it has not been an easy road and we have had to borrow a large sum of money from a very generous friend. We have also been blessed by the generosity of our other friends who have kindly covered meals for us, offered their homes and laundry facilities, or just laughed with us through the surreality of our situation at the moment.

To be a little bit fair to us, ifΒ a few circumstances, such as getting our visas sooner or not having my bank account frozen with my money in it, had gone another way we would be in a much better place right now. However, that is not the case, thus we are where we are.

As I said, our friends have indeed been more on the green side – meaning that they have just been above and beyond in their generosity. I can only hope that we will be able to adequately repay them or at least express our gratitude to them once we find a return to ‘normal’. Still, some can be mean or have a limit to their green generosity.

While I have learned to let go of my ego throughout all of this – there’s just no way to have anything other than humility when money is tight or non-existent -, it is still not an easy thing to ask for money or to even allow others to pay for things. Therefore, the last thing that I want to receive is a lecture or expressions of judgment regarding our financial decisions. Perhaps once we are through the sh*t, I can sit back to laugh and discuss the stupidity of what has led us to our current situation; but now is definitely NOTΒ the time. Instead of being willing to listen or push beyond the limits of my humility, I feel as if the other party is just being mean in a time when all I really need is love and support…. I do not deny that a lecture is probably needed or that a re-evaluation of how we are going to move forward financially is required; however, what is important at the moment is that we get ourselves to the point where such a conversation will have full effect rather than forcing a wall to go up and even challenge the value of a friendship….

To avoid sounding ungrateful or rude, I reiterate that indeed we are very thankful and blessed to have such friends in our lives who have been more green than mean. I hope to be able to write again soon that we are rolling with the homies in the monies!!! πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

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