Days of Drifting

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Nov 172020
 

You know those days when it seems that no matter what you do, or how perfectly set up you are, you are just not going to get any work done? Today was one of those days.

Nothing has gone wrong, but two trips to the car rental agency to try to trade to an automatic and a husband who thrives on chaos which is highly strung today, seems to be just the way things are aligned for the day.

Luckily, my required work got done early, so if I don’t get my other work done it will not be the end of the world; and I can find solace in the fact that I am inspired to write instead. There’s always a silver lining if we just leave ourselves open to being shown it.

Another version of myself would be sitting in frustration looking for somewhere to place blame while fretting about best laid plans and waylaid courses. However, this version of me just smiles and shakes her head at the naivety of still believing I have any control or say over how my day is to go – even with my continued love (and dependence) on routine and schedules.

So, I’m going with my inspiration and the mood fighting a rather strong desire to plop down on the couch, turn on some crime TV and let my mind drift into oblivion.

A friend of mine encouragingly reminded me to not write for others or work in creative spaces for anyone other than myself. Much truth lies in these words. Yet, there is also a part of me that struggles with that idea as I have, to be honest, spent most of my life for myself.

But, as I was doing some studying/learning today, I came across a question to ask writers: Why do you want to tell THIS story?

The heart of any writing I do is buried in a desire to help others. When I was eight, I felt alone and strange in the world I had ended up in. It was just being adopted or having a unique international then domestic experience. It was that I became aware of a consciousness that was not the same as those around me whether my own age or older.

So, somehow I knew that my view of the world needed to be shared because surely I could not be alone in the way that I see it. It’s taken me years to find my voice or to have the confidence (thank god for aging) to speak out and to let myself be heard. It’s still a process, but my voice is becoming stronger and louder.

Thus, on days like today when I thought my usual routine would be what makes me feel satisfied at the end of it yet takes me a different direction, I am happy to follow where it goes into a zone – twilight or dawn. 😉

~T 😀

Day 2: #whyshewrites

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 022019
 

While I’m in the flow….

Favorite motivational quote.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~Aristotle

I do not know if this counts as a motivational quote, but it has been one of my favorite quotes since I was in college and fell in love with Aristotle’s teachings.

Although in college I really disliked my friends’ elitist attitude as I found it a way of puffing themselves up more than an expression of standards, I have perhaps come around to what they may have really meant.

I believe that anyone can be whatever version of greatness they want to be – according to their own definition of it. I also believe that everyone should strive to be better than who they currently are as there is always improvement to be made within ourselves. This is achieved through discipline and repeated behavior towards this betterment of the self.

For me, this quote has motivated me to do my best to maintain a high self-standard, which does often overflow to those with whom I surround myself – unfortunately for them? 😛

I do not apologize nor do I consider another option. As my father likes to say, “It’s hard to soar with eagles when you walk with turkeys.” This sounds a bit harsh, and I believe I have a bit more compassion and empathy for others than the quote might suggest. However, I do hold people to a very high standard.

Admittedly, I probably hide my elitist attitude (even from myself at times) as I’ve learned that it does not always serve me in relationships. In fact, I lost a friendship because of my lack of compassion and empathy since I had overestimated the understanding that I thought we had in how I view the world. While I am deeply saddened by the loss, I do not regret it in full.

In a recent conversation about this, it was suggested that perhaps I should be more flexible in my attitude knowing that my standards are impossible. However, I disagree. Instead, I consider it a challenge to continue to hold myself to excellence and encourage others around me to do the same.

My circle of friends is small, but it is not non-existent and I’m happy with it. There might be times when I’m lonely for my inflexibility, but I would much rather be lonely than constantly disappointed in myself or those whom I might call friends.

This way of thinking is also why I write. Through my written word, I can better explain my mind and view of the world. Time can be taken to process the words rather than the instant repelling of what I am saying.

For truly, who does not want to achieve and be excellent? To achieve and be, how else should it be done? As habit.

‘Nuff said.

~T 😀

#WhySheWrites

 Going Mental, Writing  No Responses »
May 012019
 

It seems suitable to kick off May and also restart my concerted effort to write regularly again with a challenge by #whyshewrites – as first noticed by a fellow writer @kamsinkaneko from #theslowpath.

I have been meaning to get myself back into the habit, but, well, excuses abound and one thing leads to another so that time passes without me sitting down to the computer and posting.

There are pages written in my journal, but it is not quite the same as processing it enough to post for general consumption.

In any case, here is first of the challenge:

Share the reason why you write.

When I first began writing, it was to remember what was happening in my life. Things were always changing, people were coming and going, but I could not keep it all straight in my eight-year-old mind. My memories were fleeting, which I somehow understood was not normal for my age.

Besides that, I did not have a lot of friends to reminisce with as they would get left behind whenever I had to move. So, writing became a kind of friend for me.

As time went on, I wrote for my sanity. I realized I was an introvert and people did not always understand me when I tried to verbally express myself. So, I took to writing.

In school, I found that my writing connected with people. Thus, it became the way my voice could be heard and a sharing of my personality.

Then, writing became a necessity. Without my journal, I would probably have jumped off the ship of life long ago. Even though no one will likely read all of my words, at least I get them out of my head in some form. It’s a way of processing and organizing my thoughts so that I can try to express the crazy in a way others might be able to comprehend. In this way, I can test out my random thoughts in a more ‘normal’ way.

These days, I write with the intention of building a discipline to eventually write the stories of my life experiences to share with the world. As I talk with more people, I have come to accept that my life has a uniqueness that might have some value in sharing with others.

Although my life is not yet structured in a way to write full-time (or maybe it’s another excuse?), I am trying to create the best structures and patterns (though it’s a constant struggle) to be able to reach my lifelong dream of writing the story of my life.

So, this is why I write.

~T 😀

Seeking My Voice….

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 222016
 

Remember a few days ago I wrote about the Gong Bath Meditation? Well, in my meditation I had some visions that we focused on feeling the manifestations of their truths in our physical bodies. Since then, I have had a hard time meditating for more than 15 minutes at a time as I keep going back to trying to understand what my visions were. It is a little bit like trying to interpret dreams. So, I am going to write in hopes of perhaps coming to some understanding or some reader out there might have an idea…?

In part of the meditation, we were asked to see ourselves in the future. Well, I saw three versions of myself. It was like three faces on one head of my body. None were dominant, but all three faces were moving at the same time in one body.

Furthermore, I saw myself in the future as a published author touring around the world about my books. Yes, not just a book, but bookS! I was meeting people, inspiring people and sharing my stories of life. Any introversion that I may have felt was washed away in warmth of knowing and seeing that I was having a massive impact on others.

The latter of these two visions I can wrap my head around. The former…, well, I am still working on that.

Of course, it is easy to now say I should be writing. I just need to sit down and write – how hard can it be? Well…it is a lot harder than it seems.

First, I have not written properly in a very long time – years now. I have stories in my head, loads of ideas on topics and themes, but each time I sit to write, I lose my voice. Now, if I were giving an oral speech and I lost my voice, I would be not-so-secretly relieved. 😛 However, losing my voice in writing is not exactly ideal. Instead, I sit to write, I look at a blank screen or the few sentences and then…I go blank. Some call this writer’s block. I am reading _The Artist’s Way_ to help me with this, but still I am not finding my voice. One reason I have been trying hard to go this whole month with writing each day is to build up a routine and practice of writing at least something somewhere. However, I have a business website to build as well and yet, nothing is coming to me. I am searching for my voice…. 🙁

It does not help that it is Ramadan here and I cannot sit myself at a café all day sipping coffee or tea, people watching whilst intermittently immersing myself into a world of words. However, that might just be an excuse. Surely, I should be able to delve into the many voices in my head and capture just one long enough to write…. <sigh>

So, for now I find contentment in my blogging here. Random thoughts flow out to my fingertips and I am maintaining my journal daily. However, if anyone out there happens to find my voice, would you be so kind as to let me know? I would really appreciate it. In the meantime, I will keep searching…. 😛

~T 😀

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