When I decided to get married again, I determined that there was absolutely no way that I would consider divorce again. When I set my mind to decisions of such extraordinary importance there is generally nothing to make me waiver from it – no matter how tough things get.
In my first marriage, I never considered divorce as an option, but then I believed that he would love and protect me above all other things. That turned out to have conditions on it – to which I rebelled and ensured that the ties would be cut completely. Yet, the painful truth in that case was that I did not really love him enough to endure it to the end. Plus, I could not see that he would ever change to become the person who would actually love and protect me above all other things – unconditionally.
In M, I saw the immensity of his love and commitment to bring happiness into my life no matter what. I knew that he came from a similar experience in losing his first marriage and believed in his ability to learn from his mistakes – like me – to make our marriage work above all other things.
As a strong-willed, strong-minded, and independent woman, it is difficult to find a balance between being a loving, supportive and periodically submissive as a wife and staying true to my nature as an individual.
The individual me is a problem-solver and looks for actionables that will result in fixing a given situation. I am not afraid to do what it takes to ensure that basic needs and stability can be brought into our lives – even if it means short-term sacrifices as a wife.
The wife me is supportive and loving trying to give her husband the space and faith that he will do and does everything in his power to ensure that basic needs and stability are brought into our lives – even if it means short-term sacrifices as an individual.
How do I stay true to my nature and also be the kind of wife that has absolutely no intention of divorcing her husband, when the only viable solution known to us at the moment is for me to leave him for a short-term? How do I know what is the best choice for us? Or, even at the moment, how do I become okay with not having a choice? Is it my arrogance, entitlement and short-fuse that is blinding me from having the humility, patience and compassion to believe that truly everything will work itself out?
So, in the name of love, I wait patiently and faithfully hope that this conflict within me will be a passing moment in our lives and soon I’ll read back on this post wondering how I could have possibly felt this way….
~T π
