Phew the week is finally over. One more major item on my list of things to get done and then I may relax a bit more.
Last night I started on the 20mg of Cipralex. This will mark the start of the 4th week and so I should be noticing more the effects. I asked R if he noticed any difference and he said maybe, but probably I’ll feel it more with the 20mg and by the end of this week. So, I suppose that the good thing is that there haven’t been any major side effects and it is possible that I calmer, but not sure.
A cousin of a friend of mine apparently took his own life the other day. He was adopted, talented and suffered an injury along with the news of his parents splitting up. It seemed too much for him at 21-years-old and so, although not confirmed, it seems he decided it was too much for him. My friend said that he felt mostly sad that his cousin had felt no hope at all in life to try continuing because he feels as if there is always something to hope for, but I was not sure that I agreed.
Although my dark thoughts have lessened, they are not gone. In fact, I know that I am still in a dark place as all I imagine doing any more is reading for pleasure or sleeping. Even though I am making more progress on my literature review, I believe it is because I am allowing myself to indulge in more pleasure reading and sleep. However, while before I would get up and exercise, do housework and busily get settled for the day, now I sleep as long as I can, treat myself to a few pages of my book before I have to get ready. The other activities have fallen by the wayside. This may just be a phase, as many things are, and I am not really worrying about it much, it is something to consider.
There are still moments when I wonder why I am taking the meds, or working towards a better career. What is the hope that I am using to keep going? To what end? For what benefit? These are the questions that I try not to dwell upon now, but when there are no answers, it does feel somewhat hopeless….
In any case, on a brighter note – the week long grey skies and rain seem to have let up today. The sky is blue and the sun is out! That is definitely something to smile about.
-T π
