Someone said to me the other day that I am very self-aware. I felt quite pleased with this assessment and generally consider this to be true about myself. There is nothing like a little reality check now and then to remind me that there is always room to improve! π
Change is the only constant in this world – so the saying goes. Or, we can always count on change. Phrases like this make me laugh because of their truths and also because of my continual dismissal that they might apply to me. I prefer to believe that I can prevent change from happening and yet, it continues to happen day by day proving to me that only the universe can be in control of anything.
It should be fairly clear by now that I need loads of structure in my life. It is the secret to my success, so to speak, as well as the source of my sanity – if I truly can claim that! π By having structure, I give myself a false sense of control. In the audiobook I am listening to, the author promotes the use of structures to reduce the amount of depletion that occurs from worry or stress in not knowing what should happen next. <YES!!!> I realize, though, that I might take this to the other extreme.
Every day I have a schedule. For the most part, I stick to it as I plan my days at least a week, if not more, in advance. The night before, I prepare mentally for the upcoming day setting my alarms to guide me through the day and thinking about where I have some flexibility in case things come up.
Well, this only works to a point. So, when my husband suggested that I may have to make a special trip to Reem to drop off an originally signed document for my visa processing, I am disappointed to admit that I did not respond very elegantly. π
While I can give a number of excuses like I feel stress about my visa, or I think I have been patient enough, or I had a busy schedule already, etc., none would be appropriate enough to justify my snappy, pissy attitude that I gave in response. The truth is that I just have not yet figured out a good response pattern to suggestions of change.
I have been notorious to go into a rage when a small change in a planned restaurant was suggested…. It is just that I need time to process. In most cases, I will agree to the suggested change or even see it as a better option; however, when sudden changes occur it triggers physical and emotional memories of being taken suddenly to a new home or out of my comfort zone which usually resulted in a negative event. My fight-or-flight instinct kicks in causing me to have a sort of ‘tantrum’ rather than taking a deep breath and asking for a moment to process the suggestion.
Intellectually, I understand this. I am self-aware enough to know that there is something not right with my response as well as the reason I respond in such away. However, my very imperfect self needs work and help in developing the correct behavioral patterns to respond more gracefully. π
Eventually, my aversion to change may just be welcomed rather than defended – or one can hope! π
~T π
