What Doesn’t Kill Us…

Yesterday, I was busy and out from 7:30am until 7pm. You can imagine how exhausted I was after doing 6 hours of Apple Training with a short hour in between, then straight to a Japanese lesson in the evening.😓 I did not have a moment to myself aside from a bathroom break until I got into the bath once home. Thank goodness I had stored up some energy and properly planned my week to allow me some serious quiet time this morning. 😜

So the weekend did not turn out quite as I had imagined. There were some ups and downs. 

The ups were that we went to the HSBC Golf Championship and enjoyed a day out in the nice weather despite being fairly low on funds, the entry was free and we had enough to splurge on some food and drink. 

The other up was that I got to hang out with my honey quite a bit, which in small weekend doses makes me happy. I also had a brief moment of cheer eating a very large and unhealthy breakfast at Denny’s. Food does truly make me happy even if it can be temporary! 

Unfortunately, there were a lot of downs to add to my stress levels. ☹️ To start off with, I headed early on Friday morning to my car to find it not starting. I had a yoga session to go to, but after giving it a few goes and recalling that this had happened before last month, I gave up – cancelling my session even though I probably could have hopped into a taxi. Thankfully, my client is a sweetheart and more than happily adjusted her schedule.

We decided to ignore it for the day since we were going to the golf anyway, but during the day my lessons for the next day cancelled due to illness and whatever other reasons. This is our weekly budget…. So, that put another damper on my mood😫…. However, deciding to just go with it was the only way forward. 🙃

On Saturday morning, we decided to have our breakfast before tackling the joy of the car, which was a nice reprieve. We returned to call the tow truck company, but upon arrival they could not take the car as it was parked in the garage, which is not easy for a truck to get into. I left M to sort it out, but knew when he came back yelling on the phone that it had not gone well….😬 Therefore, I took action convincing him we could push the car out of the garage as it is all downhill and then call the company again to come get it off the street. Somehow we managed to do that without completely screaming at each other 🤐 and I emptied out my car with determination to never see it again! 😕

Thankfully, the repair center was open and had a look at it. The fuel pump was fried, which he had mentioned before but we were sure that when I first bought the car two years ago they had replaced the entire fuel system. Seems they missed the pump bit….So, that is going to cost another 3K that we do not have. The ironic thing is that we took it in to be valued just a few days ago with the idea that we would sell it if we got a decent price. Convinced that we could get more, we declined the offer made – but it was still working then! 🙀 So, of course, now we are kicking ourselves for not just getting rid of it when we could….😿

So, upon hearing that news, M had stepped out of the house for a call and I lost it. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Honestly, I have had enough of the 💩that we have been facing. How much more am I supposed to endure? My head swam with self-pitying questions:  What have I done so wrong to deserve this? Where did I go wrong in my choices? Is someone cursing me and why? 👿 Why? Why? Why? 🤧Normally, if I have a meltdown I do it when alone as I know that M is coping in his own way working hard each day to improve our situation. I do not want him to feel as if I blame him. Yet, I really struggled with the questions as everything had been on the up for me in many areas other than work before I met him, before we got married, etc. However, I made my own choices and sometimes a snowball effect happens. Sometimes a breakdown is also needed….

I never liked the phrase What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger as it is just a placating phrase for acceptance which I associate with complacency. I rarely accept my situation or admit that something cannot be improved. Yet, on Saturday I felt my mind and resolve break a little. I feel as if I have done as much as I can to fight or help us to get by. I have nothing left – no energy, no answers, no suggestions, nothing….😳 All I can do now is see what happens. 😞

While I try to stay optimistic that life will improve or that somehow we will get out of the whirlpool of increasing misery, honestly, I feel myself heading towards that black hole of I don’t care anymore. 😣 Perhaps life will kill me after all because I am often moments away from thinking death has got to be better than this. Yet the seesaw of:  life is good – look at all I have and all that is going for us;  with life is crap – look at our problems is constant….Unfortunately, the motion of up and down is really making me sick….🤢
So, hanging by threads the days continue. I focus on what I can do hoping and waiting for some magical fairy godmother 👵🏽to wave her wand and disappear our troubles.😜👸🏽