Last night I finally came to an understanding about my mood since I returned from Japan. M had been gently complaining about my ‘tude a bit, but I had been ignoring him since he was annoying me with Mr Gropey. 😛
However, as I was telling him a story – a not very interesting one to be fair – he was falling asleep. Similarly, a few days ago, I was also telling him a story – again probably not that interesting – when he interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me his unrelated thought and then again later that same day completely ignored me whilst on his phone.
So, as I got a bit annoyed last night because I asked if he had fallen asleep while I was talking, he laughed and said now he was awake, could I tell him another “interesting” story…. Although I was good-natured about it, I said to him no wonder I have a mood when the only person I talk to in a day is him and he ignores me or interrupts me – ie. is disrespectful and rude to me. In his mind, he does not see himself as being rude and somehow justifies his behavior because of disinterest. As if I am always interested in the dribble he shares about work, clients, etc. That is not the point. I listen because he wants to share with me. It should not have to engage me or draw my attention as I appreciate that he wants to release his thoughts, frustrations, etc. with me. However, this is not being reciprocated.
On the other side, I also need friends to relieve some of the pressure off of him as my only sounding board in a day. After a week with my BFF with whom I can ramble on with about anything and everything, I came back to a solitary world – which I do enjoy -, but acknowledge may not be the healthiest of worlds for me.
The problem is that my circle of friends has diminished and changed. My closest friends are caught up in the world of mommyhood and being working mothers. In fact, that just seems to be the general world in which I am in – no matter what circle I try to enter. The MRTTAD ladies are all moms – hence the name. The golf ladies are mostly moms. Then, if the ladies are not moms, they are ladies/wives of leisure who may have jobs, but do not freelance like I do. Therefore, when they are free I am working or I am free when they are working. Plus, there is an age gap and a mind gap.
Ultimately, then, there is this – my view of the world that does not match others. First, I do not have money to spend freely as we continue to live day-by-day or week-by-week when things are good. Second, I do not get off on being a PWA who flaunts her money or privilege to those around me who have not or can not. Finally, I am a cynic who spends a lot of time on introspection. Therefore, I really do need an intimate circle of philosophers. Am I being too picky???? 😉
So, after being spoiled for two weeks, spending time with one of the few people in the world with whom I can weave in and out of my societal critiques, laugh about nothing, and spend time with when we are both able it is no wonder that I am struggling to readjust to depending on only one person to stimulate my mind. Thus, Ms B***h has been present. However, now that I know I can work on this somehow – either I gotta make more of an effort to make some friends or I need to adjust my ‘tude. 😉 😛
~T 😀
