First World Problems (FWPs) should seem so trivial and yet I ungratefully linger upon them.
Despite having a roof over my head, extra weight on my body proving I am eating well enough, pets to love, a house full of electronics and so much more, I wallow in self-pity and dark corners.
Recently, I have had a couple of conversations around my desire to live. The honest, deep down truth is that I have very little. The reason I live – at least I think – is for other people. However, perhaps it is not really for them, but my worry, love and sense of responsibility to them.
I live for my husband. For I would feel sad for him to be left on his own again – possibly wandering and searching for another person to love. He has had enough sadness and disappointment in life that I do not feel as if it is up to me to add to that. My love for him is deep; thus, keeping me alive for him.
I live for my family. We still believe in our society today that suicide is a selfish act. People’s responses are generally, “What made someone feel that there was no other choice than to take their life?” Or, “How selfish can someone be to think that they have the right to take their life?” I just never look at it that way, but I know that others do including my family. Therefore, I do not want them to feel that I am ungrateful or unhappy with the life they provided for me.
I live for my friends. There are very few people in my life who are truly my friends. People let each other down all the time with their selfishness (me included!). Still, for the friends I do have, and I am lucky to have them call me as such, I would not want to leave them for what little I can offer them.
So, when I look back at why I would not take the step to end my life, ultimately and ironically, they are all about me! π I do not want to feel guilty, or seen as ungrateful, or deprive others of my existence. π³
Then, I realize it really is just a FWP that I even have the luxury to contemplate whether or not I would – let alone should.
The world is full of so much turmoil, sadness, and potential for either extreme disappointment or greatness. Therefore, it is up to me and other individuals to remember that my FWPs are indeed trivial and there is so much to be grateful for in my life. Using this gratitude and my God-given gifts to better the world and tip the scales to greatness should be my focus. Or, at least, this is what I am going to start to shift my attention towards as I learn to better balance my ups and downs.
πT π
