It’s been a number of years since I noticed that I was suffering from numbness and tingling in my extremities. It was always more noticeable after I had imbibed too much, so I chalked it up to my body’s way of telling me to lay off on the vice.
However, as time went on, I’d feel numbing now and then even when I hadn’t drank anything. Still, rather than think anything of it, I just ignored it.
For most of my life, I have been fairly healthy. I’ve gotten a few bugs here and there, but other than a case of ‘whooping cough’ when I was a preteen, I don’t remember much physically keeping me down.
When I started doing yoga, I became aware of my weak shoulders and neck. With regular practice for my teacher training, they gained strength and if I think back, I had less pain or tingling and numbness.
After moving to Japan and decompressing from the desert life, I have done less yoga due to work and adjusting to a new lifestyle. Also, my body has been slowly making it clear to me that I have hit my 40s. However, the truth is that I don’t really know what that phrase means.
My girl friends and I have recently lamented (commiserated) together that the topics of peri menopause, menopause, aging, etc. are not topics of discussion amongst ourselves or with other women in our lives. We all know our mothers went through tough phases around this age, but none of us know why or what exactly they were going through.
I remember very clearly wondering if my parents were going to last as it seemed my mom was always angry and my dad was either confused as to why or trying to ‘mansplain’ her out of it – neither of which had positive results. π However, as I enter the same decade that this was starting for my mother, I think maybe now I can partially understand what was going on.
Recently, there are times when I have deep rage towards the world ranging from why I stubbed my toe on a stool to the dominance of the white people to the unadopted to climate change and beyond. If you ask me to explain myself, I would likely look at you with disdain for the question – just ask my husband. In the end, I would probably not have an answer for you because I cannot explain or justify or understand the rage myself. Yet, it is there – not to be denied. And, generally-speaking I am not an angry person. Short of patience or a bit of a whiner (wine-o?) maybe, but not raging angry.
Most of the time, my husband and I chalk it up to accepting that I have hit an early peri-menopause period of life. The random rage cannot be helped (much). The constant unknown of my Aunt Flo visits (or never-ending stay) is the new reality.
Then, if that weren’t bad enough, I have been told that my body has started the degenerative process.
After visiting a neurologist to see if my tingling and numbness was related to nerve damage and taking a series of random medications, I gave that up to try a sports chiropractor. He was great giving me massages to loosen the obviously tight muscles in my neck and cracking my spine back into alignment. Truthfully, this seemed to really be working, but not so much for my wallet since he wasn’t covered by my health insurance. When the tingling and numbness returned along with a twist of my back that knocked me out of commission for almost two weeks, I visited an orthopedic.
My first visit was for my back, so I did not mention the numbing. One thing at a time, right?
However, as it seemed the problem had worsened, I went in again this week to be told:
*I have a frozen shoulder. This means my shoulder ligaments are stiffening and reducing free movement. This affects not only my movement but also my trapezius muscles, which explains why my upper back is always tight and sore. Some exercises and water injections seem to be the course of action for now. I’ll be doing some targeted yoga poses and weights to address this on my own.
*More concerning in the future, is that I have a bone spur coming out of my C2 cervical spine, which is pushing on my spinal cord. This is likely the cause of my migraines and the source of my right arm numbness. It may have worsened over the years; thus, I notice it more now. The only treatment at the moment seems to be electro-treatment and light massages.
These two issues boil down to the fact that I am aging – or at least my body is. It seems to be common among women and there isn’t much to be done. Apparently, there is nothing really to worry about as long as I’m aware and deal with it. Still, no one likes to be told they are ‘old’. π
Ultimately, though, I actually wonder how it hadn’t worsened faster considering that I look at my phone with my head down during most of my train rides, which can be a minimum of 40 minutes to two hours (one-way) depending on the day. As I walk around, I tend to drop my head as a way of greeting those I pass by. Through most of the day, my head is forward and down as I carry on my own thoughts and conversations in my private world. If I’m not doing that, then I am on the computer with my neck strained forward and slightly down to look at the monitor or to read materials on my desk. If I try to put a number to how much time I spend with my head down, I’d say it is likely to be 90% of my waking hours. This is crazy!
So, I’ve been trying to keep my head up. If I use my phone on the train, I try to hold it at eye level – muscle training as well, so double bonus. I try not to use my phone at all while walking. Instead of keeping my head down as a greeting, I simply nod and smile making eye contact. This feels somehow a lot more personable, though it may slightly freak out those who pass me by. π There’s not too much I can do at work, but I have been lifting my papers to read and taking more breaks away from the desk throughout the day.
Although I may not be able to stop the conversations in my private little world, I can at least try to see the world around me to merge the dreamland into the real one. π
Still, it is a rather hard pill to swallow and accept – aging cannot be defied. If my mind doesn’t accept it, my body will make sure I know. Of course, the world will not end and the door to death is not so close yet that I should have any concerns. However, mortality has finally entered my consciousness causing me to re-evaluate – Am I prepared for this middle-aged truth?
The answer still evades me, but in the meantime, I’ll just keep holding my head up!
~T π
