Well, we are in Italy ๐ฎ๐น again. I am not yet ready to update on the settling process; it will be coming soon as there has been some progress, but the art of learning to be patient continues to be the school of life. Either way, I will soon be graduating ๐ฉโ๐ or dropping out ๐. So, stay tuned for that. ๐
Recently, I have been waking up to the sound of videos and going to bed to the sound of videos ๐ฅ. Even as I tried to write early, I was forced to listen to the sound of a video only occasionally interrupted by a one-sided phone conversation.
My other half likes noise. A common phrase expressed by me throughout moments of the day is, “It’s a bit loud…”. ๐
Last night, we had a disagreement that miraculously was not an argument ๐ despite the nature of the topic and our state of minds. The heat wave ๐ฅต, lack of A/C ๐, lack of consistent wifi ๐ก, and ongoing unsettled way of life ๐ are contributing factors to my less than cheery temperament since we arrived again in the land of pizza ๐ and pasta ๐ .
Rest assured that M and I are indeed on the same page overall. I have enough awareness that while we go about life differently, we are still partner’s enjoying an adventure together. We love each other ๐ without a doubt. We have managed to grow closer even through these past couple of crazy years so far; and so, in that area, there is nothing to worry about nor to complain about (generally).
This does not deny the fact that he frustrates me to no end and vice versa – though obviously me less so to him…! ๐
There is a darkness that fills the space we live in here – not just literally from limited windows and stone walls, but also figuratively in its energy. There is a darkness that surrounds the people we are heavily relying on for our peace of mind, stability, and future. There is a darkness that does not belong in an otherwise beautiful and bright place/expereince.
Itโs no secret that Italy was never our first choice of destinations. Once we arrived, though, we both agreed to follow the path that we are on. While I have had hesitations from the start, I have continued on whilst keeping the prize in full view. However, it has not been the smooth and straight path that I was led to believe it would be when I jumped on board.
Like the windy roads that we drive on everyday, it is unknown what is around the bend. When a car drives slowly in front of us, it is not clear if it is better to follow it slowly, or speed on by.
Similarly, I feel that we sometimes speed up only to slow right down, and then not know if we should pass or just enjoy the slower scenery passing by.
While M enjoys the speed and blurring sights, it seems to have become white noise to him along with the sounds of the mindless videos he watches as a distraction from our current reality. For me, I just want to stop ๐, breathe ๐ง๐ฝโโ๏ธ, and enjoy a bit of quiet/calm. Unfortunately, this tends to come out in expressions of impatience and annoyance at all that is not these things (totally my bad!). Unfortunately, the craving to walk in the light gets overshadowed by the darkness that swirls around this Italian path. Unfortunately, my determination to keep following this path is quickly waning with each dismissive comment, eye roll ๐, and command to trust a gut that I know from experience and anecdotes cannot always be trustedโฆ.
At what point does it become my gut that gets trusted? At what point does my vote get taken as importantly as his? At what point do we agree to call it a day with this path we are on?
He says that we will know.
How? When?
We donโt know.
So, my curious logical brain understands the desire to see where the road ends – whether positively or negatively. If we change course now, we will never know if it was worth it or not.
The good thing is that either way, we will be okay. We will just choose another path if it doesnโt end up as we hoped. Or, we will reflect back looking at the hill we climbed and feel satisfaction that we stayed the course despite the winding road.
In the meantime, I just want a bit of silence. So, I write in the late hours when the house is dark, the man slumbers, and itโs just me with the fans as white noise over the pounding of the keys as my fingers try to keep up with my thoughts to find the silence within the noise.
~T ๐
